Timeout? - New Britain,CT

I wouldn't put her in her crib because you don't want her to start hating her crib that can lead to sleep issues. My daughter is also 15 months. Time out is difficult because I can't get her to sit still. I do sit her in the corner away from her toys and walk away. She gets upset than quickly gets up. When she does something to me like pinch or hit, I ignore her when she comes to me to play. It seems to work for her. Within less than a minute she is kissing me to get me to pay attention to her. Also she stopped biting and pinching me using this technique.

My son is almost 2 and I thought he was too young for time out's, until a friend of mine babysat for me and said she put him in time out for hitting. I couldn't believe he actually sat there! I know what you mean about not wanting a bratty child. It's so embarrassing! My first son was so easy and never misbehaved and my 2nd is a handful to say the least! I am so confused. I always thought people with bratty kids were just bad parents, until I had one! It's funny how 2 kids can be so different. Anyway, just wanted to tell you that I know what you are going through and hang in there.

Hi H.,

I've been working with toddlers for 16 years and I can tell you I NEVER have had time-outs work. I teach the parents I coach (I'm now a Parent Coach), alternate ways to use time out.

First, avoid no, use words like "Soft touches" and then show your child want a soft touch is.

You can also use Yes statements, "Yes you can have cookies after dinner."

No causes tantrums.

I use a form of time out only when the child is emotionally out of control, even then, the child decides when to come back and talk the issue out. It is not a forced punishment, because they only cause power struggles.

I coach my parents to think about TEACHING a better way to behave rather than PUNISH bad behavior. I tell parents that kids do not know a better way to behave unless you show them.

I hope this helps. I do want to restate that time outs do not work.

R. Magby

If you want a more peaceful and effective approach to child rearing than time outs, I hope you'll read to the end. Though they are often better than some harsher alternatives, time-outs just don't work for quite a few kids. Results vary based partly on the style of time-out employed, and partly on the child's personality. The ideal is not to punish, but to give the child a chance to reset his emotions if he's upset and acting out, or to consider why certain behavior isn't acceptable.

In my experience, and that of several young families I've watched over the years, there's nothing to be gained, and a great deal to lose, by "punitive" time outs. Especially those that turn into extended struggles, with the child repeatedly escaping and the parent repeatedly dragging the child back and starting the clock again. This becomes terribly h*** o* both the child and the parent, and since the idea is to help the child understand self-control and find calming alternatives to his behavior, what's the point? Both parties end up furious, upset, and often crying – about the punishment. The original behavior has been completely lost in the struggle.

Once it degenerates into a battle of wills, the parent thinks she MUST win, and the only way to accomplish that is emotional or physical force. A child who's just beginning to understand himself as a separate being with separate desires and motives is understandably confused and frustrated by a setup that seems to set his parents against his most basic needs.

Two common outcomes, which I have personally experienced in my birth familly:

1. It can gradually convince the child that he will be able to win when he gets big enough or devious enough, and the child works toward or sullenly awaits that end result, with either outwardly expressed disdain and rage or inwardly guarded anger. (This was a younger sister of mine, who has had a seriously dysfunctional life.)

2. It can establish an understanding that parents don't care about his feelings and needs, which can result in a sad and uncommunicative child who believes he's not worthy of respect and care. (This was me and another sister, who have had years of work to overcome painful self-esteem issues.)

Those are outcomes of time-outs (and other forms of punishment) gone wrong. The best time-out is a "safe" time for the child in which he is given a supportive opportunity to deal with frustration, disappointment, anger, or inappropriate behavior. I'd like to mention that while we were kids, my sisters and I were considered "model" children by many admiring onlookers, and my mother did seem to be in complete control. But very painful stuff was going on underneath the glossy surface.

If you want to try the non-punitive time-out, a quiet spot near the parent, on the couch or a chair near where mommy's working in the kitchen, are excellent locations. Quiet conversation may be desirable and completely appropriate. Sending a child to his room may work if it's not a punishment – even if he forgets while he's there and starts playing, that's fine if the point was to get into a better mood. But some kids will find being sent away from the parent to be an unbearable rejection, and the suffering they experience may be totally out of proportion to the misbehavior.

After the time-out, usually about one minute per year of the child's life, you can help him reflect on a more desirable behavior than the one that stopped his play. Help him understand what his alternatives might be; using words instead of hitting or screaming; asking for help if he's frustrated; finding something else to do if he's asking for something he can't have (and parents really would do well to provide those alternatives before the meltdown); etc.

Many parents require the child to apologize after a misdemeanor. I personally think this is teaching the child to tell a convenient lie so he can get back to his play. It is fine, however, to model, early and often, the civilized art of apology. Just as with any other courtesy, children learn best by seeing, hearing, and receiving those kindnesses.

So, what if your child doesn't seem to be one who benefits from time-outs? There are two related approaches that are often referred to as empathetic parenting or emotion coaching, that I find to be much more effective, sane, compassionate, encouraging and positive. For younger children, I'm impressed by the approach used by Dr. Harvey Karp in The Happiest Toddler on the Block. You can find a whole set of videos and interviews on this in youtube if you'd like to see this alternative in action, and you can google the terms to find a whole batch of websites that explain the basics and the benefits.

For more verbal kids, I can't recommend strongly enough the wonderful book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, in a clear, easy-to-read cartoon format. Though it's non-punitive (in the forceful sense), this is not parent-as-pushover stuff. I've watched pretty amazing results when parents have tried these techniques with kids whom they considered willful, stubborn, spoiled, or otherwise hopeless.

I agree with SH, but also want to add that putting her in her crib will make her think that the crib is a punishment and then you will start having issues at night...
She's ok for now. Best thing to do when she pinches or does something is to EXPLAIN to her why we don't do it and what we should do instead:
"We don't pinch faces because it hurts and is not nice, but we can be gentle and give kisses or softly rub cheeks"
Good luck! :)

A good book is: "What To Expect The Toddler Years." You can find it at any bookstore or online.
There you will find what is developmentally expected or not, per the age stages of a baby or child.

Kids this age, do NOT have any impulse control, nor any fully developed impulse control.

Keep "expectations" age appropriate... otherwise, both child and Parent will be c.o.n.t.i.n.u.a.l.l.y frustrated... and then the child will act out... and be frustrated but they can't express that yet.

all the best,
Susan

We didn't do time-outs until our son was about 2.5 years. When he started the stage your DD is going through, we would simply tell him that he hurt mommy/daddy, and we would place him on the floor and walk out of the room for a minute. Most of the time he came after us. We did this for about three weeks, and he stopped hitting and pinching us. Of course, as he gets older he tries new things, like head-butting us, and we do the same thing now. It seems to work for us.

I think that you are doing the right thing, I would just pick a different spot so that she will not associate her crib with punishment. I just use a corner of our living room and put my son back whenever he wanders away. And any other convenient spot when we are out of the house but he is usually an angel in public...go figure! Good luck, Nat

My daughter is also 15 months and my son is 3 years old.
She is too young for time-outs. She is also very strong-willed and stubborn and already rules over her mellow big brother!
We do positive discipline, praising a lot good behavior and ignoring the bad (and trying to have more positive than negative).
When she does something "wrong" but someone in the room notices, laughs or says "she's so cute", she will immediately repeat the behavior to get the attention again. Children crave attention, whether good or bad. They'd rather be punished than ignored.
This technique has worked wonder for our family. For example, if my daughter is pinching me, I would put her down, say "we don't pinch" or "pinch hurts" and stop playing/interacting with her for a minute or so. I don't remove her (except in cases or danger), just show her that this behavior will get her no attention.
As a result, she now can eat a yogurt by herself and nothing goes on the hair/floor... She tried a couple of times and she found it very funny (she was cute but I resisted the urge to take a pic), she got no reaction from me, I only turned my face and stopped eye contact, looking in another direction while still eating.
You wrote that you daughter" will purposely do whatever it is while looking at you and smiling", which indicates to me that what she wants is to grab your attention. If she doesn't get it, the behavior will stop.
When you cannot ignore her (if she runs towards the street or tries to reach for the hot stove), then remove her from danger and say "this xxx hurts..." but don't display emotions. Whether you scream in anger, in fear or in pride, she will try to have you react the same again.
And, as other posts mentioned, we always avoid "no". It's an exceptional word for exceptional circumstances (like life-threatening behaviors) Distraction works better.
All the best!

honestly they say that TO can start at age one and that it is one minute per age. they dont recommend using the crib for TO though, it is an easy spot but they said it should be just used for sleeping nothing negative. I personally do not feel that TO works w/ kids that young: I have a 19 mo old that is very verbal/smart but TO just makes it worst so we dont use it. she is just testing you to see how far she can get w/ u and how high she can rise your BP really! the more you make a big deal out of it, the worst she will get. I have a lot of stuff on discipline bc I was a parent educator and if you would like I can email you the files: i do recommend dr. harvy karps book the happiest toddler on the block...you can skip most of it and get right to business which is great. he will teach you how to talk to toddlers so that they will listen and then they will in turn learn how to deal w/ their feelings and emotions. I would be happy to send you that stuff just let me know. matter of fact you live close to me, LOL, I co-run a moms group on meetup and i would love to have you check us out and join us for a playdate. let me know if you are interested.

Good for you for creating boundaries. I do agree she is too young for timeouts though. When my son was her age, he would do unsafe things like play with outlet sockets. He got shocked twice and it did nothing to stop him. A friend told me that when he does something like grab the plug, tell him "No touch, ouchy" and if he does it anyhow, flick the top of his hand. I'll tell you, in a week he stopped messing with the plugs.

I think she's too young to understand the purpose of timeout. Perhaps you create a challenge by reacting to everything she does. Don't entertain every defiant action, ignore her as much as possible. I found silence always got results with my nieces and nephews.

18mo is the age that I think you really have to start in with correction or disciplining your child. My daughter, like yours was showing willful defiance at about 15 months. I found this 15-17 month to be a grey area and was so timid to punish. Next baby I will know better. I was so timid to punish that the first time she did bite me out of anger until I bleed, I didn't have the wherewithal to do a thing about it, I was so stunned. So yes, be prepared, you need to take action.

We do timeout with our almost 16 month old. I don't use the crib because I was worried about him associating bed with time out and mommy being unhappy. I tell him "we don't _____" or "no, we don't____" and redirect but if that doesn't work the first time, he's sitting by himself on the floor for up to a minute. He's so not happy about being left alone (I move to another part of the room) that he stops the behavior for awhile. I think it's all part of a process. You will figure out what works best for your family. You are doing a good job setting limits which is what she's trying to test right now.

I haven't read all the posts, but I don't think that 15 months is too young, just don't do it in the crib. We only use timeouts for hitting, but I think my son is pretty good in general. We started with mommy getting timeouts. When he hit me, I would turn my back on him and ignore him for 2 minutes, telling him that mommy was in timeout because he hit me. We gradually changed it to him being in timeout. I have only had to bring him in once from outside for not listening, because I asked him to stay with me, and he ran off (to where I was trying to keep him from). When I brought him inside, he hit me, and then was in time out. He hasn't done it since.

As far as the looking at you and smiling while doing something, that is the testing of the boundaries. You say no, they try again. Just be gentle and consistent, the punishment doesn't need to escalate. Just keep saying no, and take her away from whatever it is she is doing. I personally don't believe that is timeout or punishment behavior, just learning what she can do.

We started time out with our daughter at about the same time. When we went for her 2 year old check up the pedi told us we could start using time out and I laughed at him as we had already been doing it for at least 6 months. They do understand what you are doing. My only suggestion is to pick a new spot. You will have to put her back repeatedly the first few times but she will get the point. Now, at 3, we can do time out easily and anywhere - the grocery store, a friend's house, etc. and she understands and goes to sit. People are amazed by how easily she goes into time out in any location. This isn't to say that she is in time out frequently. Often times she doesn't have a time out for several days. It's just something that we were consistant with from a young age so she understands the concept and what is expected of her well.

Hi.First let me just give you my experance-Im a grandmother of nine,and a mother of five,so maybe i can help.(Here goes)First-NEVER use the place the child sleeps as a place of punishment!!Find a time out chair,and be patient these things take time.Your child is reading off of you-EYE contact and less talking!! At 15months they don't take in to much of what you are saying It gets to jumble up if theres to much said all at once!!As far as the pinches go does she play with other kids,Kids pick up from others whatch who she's around-it could be something she picked up from the tv!!Children learn what they live,Remeber that,and your child is not a BRAT,nor will she be one if you stand your ground.She's only been on this EARTH for ONE YEAR and THREE months!!Also time outs at that age is only 5mins. per year(SHORT ATTENTION SPAN) Well good luck, love NINa

You sound like a great mom and I would say go with your gut instinct. If you think your child is being bratty and should understand, then I'd try the time out. I think each child is different. I can't even remember, but I think with my oldest we definitely did time-outs around this age - she was bright and sure could be taught right from wrong. I would recommend you not use the crib though. You want her to associate her crib with peacefulness and sleeping - not anxiety and punishment (and what if she's tired but it's not naptime and you put her in there and she falls asleep - it will ruin your whole schedule - LOL). I use to sit my child on the bottom of the stair landing where there were no toys and it was b-o-r-i-n-g. You also seem to know that at this age it's all about how long they are in the time-out. Just one minute seems enough to get the message across without being cruel. I'd say that go with your mommy instinct - you seem to know what you are doing.

I have a 3 year old and 15 month old daughter and I consider myself a pretty strict parent. My 15 month old is doing the exact same thing. I personally think it is a few months too early for time outs. I am not sure they are doing things for the purpose of being naughty- I think it is curiousity about the environment. I definitely tell my daughter no in a stern voice, but I don't think there is any effective punishments that work, yet.

Happiest Toddler on the Block- check this book out. It has fantastic advice on managing your toddlers behavior. It's worked miracles with my toddler. She is occasionally "defiant" (if you could call it that), and typically she will listen to me. Although- as with any toddler it sometimes takes asking her to do it 10 times. Just keep patient and remember- the whole world is totally new to them and they are still learning how to mediate reality.

Forgive me, but your post sounds emotional about your daughter's behavior. And that in itself could be part of the problem. I would take a look at how strongly you react to her (less than desirable) behavior. Be simple with your words... for example, when she pinches hold her hands firmly, but not harshly and firmly but not harshly say, "Pinching hurts" and place her next to you.

I wonder where she got this playful pinching behavior. Some kids pinch when frustrated because they seek a tactile stimulation to release their frustration. But in your case it sounds like she also does it playfully. I mention this because a friend of mine used to play "pinching games" with her son at an early age. She would squeeze or pinch him gently and actually say " I pinch you or I squeeze you." Later she couldn't figure out why he was pinching her and laughing his head off after she squealed in pain.

I echo what Peg and what Rebecca are saying, so I won't touch on the subjects they covered.

I would try less "no" and more redirection. Set your boundaries clearly and be consistent with her. Talk to your husband too. If there's a conflict of mommy "being too h*** o* her" it could be very confusing for her and not help the behaviors.

Be careful about breaking her "strong will." Personality traits that we label as "stubborn, difficult, persistent, strong-willed" can be assets for our kids as they get older if we help them learn how to use those traits properly.

Bets of luck to you~