Time to Discipline with Distraction

I had a daughter that thought time outs were a game too. At this age they hate to be separated from the fun so we moved her time outs from the room we were in to her room. She hated being in there alone and time outs were no longer a game.

Good luck!

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Don't tell him what Not to do, tell him what to do. Stop saying no, and say "We climb on playgrounds." I also like the word "Stop" instead of No.

When you do say NO, make sure it is for a really good reason. Also, TOs do not work with most 20 month olds, I don't care what people say. I did put my toddler in his room for a TO when he pulled hair or hit hard, and he never did it again, but toddlers rarely understand why they have to do a TO. They just don't have the mental capacity to understand it as a corrective. In fact, I use TOs as time to calm down.

Don't give him attention or react, and he won't do it again. Stay calm, and change the situation. I find changing rooms or going outside really helpful.

I use positive discipline and have a well behaved 6-1/2 year old. He does NOT have tantrums. He knows what no means - and he knows how to ask, how to negotiate for part of what he wants, how to compromise and a whole bunch of skills that hitting him will never teach him. I am oddly enough NOT worried that at 53 he will be in a hospital for the criminally insane having a temper tantrum. Seriously?

The distraction method is appropriate because at his age, children simply do not have the necessary impulse control and reasoning ability they will need later. That just takes time. And over time, you will move away from distraction to other methods. Hopefully not hitting your child, nor strapping him into a punishment chair.

At that age he got a statement 'furniture is not for climbing', followed by removal from the situation (picked him up and removed to another room) and distraction - giving him something appropriate to climb. The boundary is no climbing on furniture - there is no need to hit a child for this reason. There is no reason to punish a toddler for doing his 'job' - exploring his environment and testing boundaries. When you put him in time out and he is screaming - do you think he is considering why he should not climb on tables? No - he is just mad and frustrated. No learning is occurring.

Things that will help are saying yes more. It is not - no we cannot go outside. It is 'we can go outside after we put on shoes/brush teeth/whatever. Giving him words for his feelings and as he gets older - better tools to get what he wants. Tantrums occur because he is frustrated - he doesn't know how to get what he wants. When you empathize with him, then hold the boundary, he learns you are on the same team.

He is too young to expect him to accept no happily. How many adults do you know who accept 'no' graciously from every adult who tells them that? And they have had YEARS to get there.

My first daughter was very strong willed. If she was jumping on the couch, I would pick her up and say that couches are not for jumping. She would throw herself on the floor and tantrum before I was able to say that she could jump in the playrm. If she did it again, I would pick her up if she was in danger of falling. If she was going to sit down, I would let her sit.

If it's not time to go out --- Just tell him "No." Do not overuse the word no, but, it is not used enough !!!

20 months is a tad too young for time out.

Tantrums are part of social and emotional growth!! A strong-willed child is just that==-strong willed ! Tantrums are normal. Some kids go through the tantrum stage a little bit later. It is a phase and the tantrums will ease up !!!

I'm a Parent Educator--- I just read what Dana wrote and it is good info !

I'd like to add that he is still a baby. Discipline means "to teach" and that means alot of repetition of it on your end !

Do not occupy him 24 / 7. While his attention span is short, put out a box of "special" blocks out and let him explore for a few minutes ! A child who can occupy himself when he is a tad older is a great thing. It's also great for social/emotional development !

I totally agree with Dana K and Kristen C. I have never once spanked my 12 and 10 year old children or strapped them in a timeout chair. My son was NOT an easy child by any means, always questioning and always testing, very curious. My daughter was very stubborn. My husband and I redirected, gave brief and firm explanations, and TOOK THE TIME TO BE CONSISTENT no matter how tired or frustrated I was. It was't quick and it wasn't easy and I was not raised in that style of discipline at all, so it did not just come naturally. I have two well-behaved children who are curious, inquisitive, very verbal, and who do well academically and behaviorally. They know how to use critical thinking skills that will help them to and have helped them to resist peer pressure. They are learning how to think for themselves about many decisions, not to just do something automatically because "someone" in a position of authority or influence is telling them or threatening them to. Both of my children have been praised by teachers and their friends' parents for standing up for what is right and not joining in unacceptable behavior when their friends were. THAT is the payoff.

I would remove the table from the room or block it off so he can't get to it. Kids don't hear "no" the way we mean it. Instead, try positive phrasing like, "You will fall off the table and hurt yourself if you climb on it, let's go into the back yard." Don't try to "distract" from a tantrum, that's giving him attention for the attention-seeking behavior. Firmly follow through with the consequences (going inside, even if you have to carry him, etc...) and then let him tantrum. Don't talk to him, but be available if he needs hugs afterwards. He'll bore of it eventually.

I am a pretty strict mom, but the toddler years are different. Unless it's dangerous, don't react to something loudly/strongly, just directly and firmly. I hope that helps.

This is the start of the "terrible" twos. He is going to test his limits every waking minute of every day pretty much from now until he turns 3, and then some. You have to be in charge, or this will not end well. If he craves your attention, then sitting with him in time-out is not going to register with him as something to avoid, right? Let's say he knows he is not to climb on the coffee table. You see him climbing on the coffee table and say, "No, son, get down from there." He looks at you, smiles, and climbs the rest of the way up. This is where you walk over to him, calmly and firmly remove him from the coffee table, and say, "I said no. Now you have to sit out." And then go put him in the pack-n-play in another room for a minute or two. That's all there is to it, really - just make sure that whatever rules you have, you are very consistent when it comes to disciplining. He tests limits because he wants to know if those are REALLY his limits, or if he's going to be allowed to do whatever he wants. (And although he may be acting otherwise, he DOES want you to enforce those limits. He will be so much happier if he knows that he can trust you to mean what you say.) Good luck!

The key with distraction is not only removing him from the situation but providing him with another, more appropriate activity.
When saying "no we don't climb on the coffee table" remove him and distract him with something interesting he CAN do. Simply removing him doesn't really do anything. Not only does he need redirection, he needs to be reengaged. It's a busy time for you as a mom, I know! But I don't think a 20 month old really "gets" the concept of a time out, I think that's just setting yourself up for even more frustration (for both of you.) He's learning, and it takes time. Stay calm and consistent, and if a tantrum ensues, put him in his room and ignore it. Usually the only lessons learned quickly at this age are those having to do with fear (pulling the cat's tail and getting hissed at) or pain (touching a hot stove and getting burned.) Reinforce the positive, and give little to no attention to the negative, he will get there. Kids are remarkably adept at learning how to please their parents if you let them (at least until they hit adolescence!)

Experts advise that distraction works well until about 18 months, then it's time to move on to time outs. Time outs are to remove him from the situation so he sees the consequence of his behavior. Find a designated place or small rug (which you can move from room to room) for him to sit on for the minute and a half, placing him back there (again and again if necessary) if he gets up to leave before it is time.

For tantrums my little guy earned a trip to his room in his crib or bed with the door closed until he calmed down, regardless of how much he screamed, at a few months past 3 I'm happy to say they stopped quite awhile ago.

Don't expect one or two time outs to teach him, with a stubborn child it may take a hundred, literally. Once he makes the connection that certain behavior will earn him a time out, most times all you will need to do is warn, "Getting up on the table will earn a time out" and he will back away.

Whatever discipline method you choose, time outs or something else, the key is consistence on your and your husband's apart, be prepared to stick with it for the duration.

I hate the *distraction* method. I never understood how someone thought that was a form of discipline. A child must learn boundaries, not the "look over here" method.

I prefer the repeat method better. I would repeat my order of action till he understands you mean business.

I also don't believe that you should put him in your lap for TO. Buy one of those high chairs that has a tray & straps down to a chair to keep him contained. But he may be a little too young still.

My friend used the distraction method and her now 15 yr old son never was taught NO. That explains why she cannot handle him and he throws fits, he can't be distracted anymore but doesn't understand NO means NO. Now he lives in a group home and is doing exceptionally well with discipline but when he comes home every other weekend he resorts back to throwing tantrums when she tells him no.

I think kids this age need actual discipline, to set the groundwork for the future. Obviously, distraction may work for the more mellow kids, but it doesn't work for the stubborn ones. I would find a play pen or have put him in his crib for a time out. I do think kids get the gist of it at that age - they're smarter than people give them credit for. He will start associating poor behavior with being isolated & figure it out.

what Julie G said! Take him where he can climb and say You can climb on this. Try to head off tantrums with the Dr. Karp method. This too shall pass.

Well, you are right, he does think it's a game. Especially because he does something he's told not to and THEN he gets your lap and thus, your attention, even if he's upset.

In my opinion, the missing piece is some sort of 'containment' option which is not a lap or a 'naughty chair', where they can pop out and further engage you. Strollers are great for this, if you have a reasonably sized one. Bring it indoors, or if you have a pack-n-play, now is the time to set it up.

I went through the EXACT same thing with my son and I'll tell you what worked for us, step by step.
1. Give a clear choice: "You may keep your feet on the floor or you may sit in your stroller/go in the pack-n-play."

2. If feet stay on the floor, awesome. If he climbs on the coffee table: "I see you need to sit in the stroller/pack-n-play. Let's do that now." Then, put him where you need him to be-- the very FIRST time it happens.

3. Give him a few toys to play with-- this is not a punishment, you are teaching him to be safe, that's all-- and then go about your business and what you need to do. If he's crying, then let him out after a short time (about two minutes) , and if he's playing, let him play happily-- and get him out when he cues that he's ready.

4. When he is out of the stroller/pack-n-play, remind him "Feet stay on the floor now." And try it again. If he climbs again-- "I see you are not ready to keep your feet on the floor." and put him back into stroller/pack-n-play.

Here's the thing to remember-- it is essential to a child's development that they learn how to climb, so this is *why* they do this. That said, we should not allow it to happen in any place that is inappropriate. Be sure he gets lots of time at the park on safe equipment to learn how to climb. Consider getting a small slide for home. (some fold up). Let him know "climbing is for outside/at the park. Our feet stay on the floor."

All that said, keep giving him two choices *you* can live with. "You may do X (desired action-- "be gentle with your hands" "keep the playdough at the table" etc.-- tell him what you *do* want him to do, don't talk about what you don't want him to do) OR you may ("sit in the stroller" "put away the playdough" etc.)" He will tantrum. This is okay-- many kids do this. I myself do not try to talk a child through a tantrum; instead, I will try to give empathy as much as I can *before* the tantrum arises. "I know, you really want to climb. You wish you could climb right now." "I see you really want to X,,, it makes you sad that you can't do that." When he is tantruming, however, find a safe place for him to do it and don't try to fix it. He needs to get that energy and anger out-- he is likely not in a place where reasoning will work.

Keep the distraction in the mix, too. I have a five year old and it still works from time to time.:)

And for what it's worth, the reason I offer a 'containment' option is because we moms have stuff to do. Sometimes, I needed to make dinner or do housework....sometimes, we don't have the time to keep putting them back on the floor.

This isn't about him wanting more attention. It's about him testing boundaries and trying to figure out exactly what he can do.

I'm gonna use your coffee table example. He climbs up, of course he does, it's new and it's fun, why wouldn't he?

So you walk over pick him up and go "Uh oh, we don't climb on the table". Place him on the floor and walk away...or give him something he can climb. Like pillows and blankets thrown on the ground or a few extra couch cushions.

Five minutes later he is climbing the table again. Repeat "Uh oh" and put him back down. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

I honestly do not like time-outs for children that young. I really do not think they grasp the concept. However, he will understand that everytime he climbs the table you will put him back down. That get's old and it get's boring.

Once he has figured that out, he'll find something else to get into. It's the nature of being a toddler.

you have lots of different opinions here, but here is one more to add

first of all Supper Nanny has the best most effective time out ever!!! it worked for me and I use it with other children when they are in my care, even a special needs child that I occasionally care for. it has worked wonders for me. you can catch old episodes on TV or read it in one of her books, or PM me and I'll share the details with you. to restrain a child for time out teaches a child nothing!!! the child must learn to stay in time out on their own or it is not effectively teaching the child to control their behavior. I believe at 20 months time outs can be used appropriately.

Distraction works but doesn't always teach the lesson that needs to be learned, but can be a good first course of action.

I always let my kids throw tantrums at home, they would start the tantrum and I would tell them "let me know when you are done" and I would walk away, thus giving the tantrum no attention, they would scream and cry for a few seconds/minutes then come get me. but they very quickly learned that it was a waist of their time and didn't get them what they wanted.

I'm a big fan of Supper Nanny's methods, I find them very effective, and I used them on all three of my boys, and yes at least one of them is strong willed. :) all of my boys have great behavior now, and are very considerate of others, they are 7, 10, and 12. I always let them know what behavior I expect out of them and they will always be disciplined for unacceptable behavior.