Time to Confess

T., I am glad you decided to reach out to experienced parents.

First of all, please resist the urge to make this "not a big deal" - if you are living under stress, which is understandable, then it's a big deal. You are who you are, and I hope that your parents love you enough to accept you as your true authentic self. There are many people who are serious about the Bible who are very welcoming to gay people in every way, including gay marriage. And it's good that you admit you don't know what their views and beliefs are.

Also, some parents who don't react well to this news aren't necessarily anti-gay. Many don't wish this for their kids because they worry about discrimination, and they don't wish for their kids to have pain or to be in danger from homophobic individuals. There are also parents who have trouble thinking of their kids as having sexual feelings, so they may ask questions like "Are you sure?" or "How do you know?" That doesn't make them anti-gay, it just means they aren't too comfortable with sexuality in kids. And they may have concerns about a 14 year old being sexually active, whether that child is gay, straight, or bisexual.

Is there someone you would be comfortable talking to first? An uncle, a guidance counselor, your pediatrician (you are old enough to call that doctor on your own), a minister or church leader familiar with your parents' beliefs?

Another option is to preface your remarks with your concerns about not knowing their views on something, and your need for their support. You might also say that you have something to share and you hope they will let you finish before they react. Say that something has been on your mind and you want them to be involved/aware, but you are concerned that they will think less of you. Tell them you love them, and you want their love and hope it is unconditional. (They will probably reassure you at this point.) THEN you say that what you want to share is that you are gay. They may well be very relieved that there is nothing wrong with you (you're not sick, you haven't committed a crime, etc. - in those 60 seconds that it takes to tell parents you have something pressing to talk about, that you need them, etc., all kinds of things go through their minds! If you have not be sexually active up to this point, add that in, to reassure them.

You can also consider writing down what you want to say, and reading it to them so you say everything you want to, don't leave anything out. That's up to you. Some teens would rather just talk without the notes - but either way is fine.

If they don't react well, just reiterate that you need them, that you are the same kid they knew and love 5 minutes ago and yesterday and 2 years ago. If they bring up Biblical prohibitions, you can say (truthfully) that you respect their beliefs but you also know that many religious people and religious leaders feel the opposite, that the Bible requires us to be kind to each other.

Is there any reason you would feel unsafe in this setting? Do your parents have a habit of reacting with extreme anger or even violence? Then I would definitely have someone else with you.

Good luck and let us know how you do!

A person can be super serious about the bible and stuff AND still love you, gay and all. If my son or daughter came out as gay, I would be sad. NOT because they are gay but because I think their life might be more difficult. As a Mom, I don't like to see my kids hurting, whether is physical or mental hurt. I would NEVER think less of my child. There isn't ANYTHING my kids could do that would make me love them less. I might get pissed off and angry at them. I might not like their actions, BUT no I would NEVER stop loving my child because they are gay. Nope!

You know your parents best. In your heart do you feel they will accept? If so, I would sit them down and just tell them. They might be upset or shocked. I don't know. It might be a good idea to have some information for them to review. Good luck!

T.- if you thought that you were "wasting our time" because of my last post I'm SO sorry. I understand that you came here for actual advice I'm just a little wary of some of the other posts and mothers who bully other mothers. It's very brave of you to come out of the closet and I hope you have a weight lifted off your shoulders soon. My suggestion would be to come out to a few close friends first that you know will support you and then maybe talk to them about it? They know your parents better than me. If any of my kids came out to me I know I'd want them to be completely straight forward and not beat around the bush. Nervousness is understandable but I know that if they are truly Christian they will still love you as God loves them.

Welcome to mamapedia.

I would hope if my child was gay, he or she would come to me and just tell me straight up.

What bothers me about this post - is that you don't know your parents at all and they don't know you. You don't know your parents values? Why haven't you asked them their view on homosexuality? Does your family even talk about serious things?

If my child came to me and told me they were gay? My love for them would not change. They should already know my love for them is unconditional.

There is nothing wrong with being gay. I'm a mother and I love my children and all I want is for them to be happy. Do not stress or be anxious. We live in a different world. I wish you the best!! Don't forget that God created all of us. Be happy!! I'm pretty sure your parents will understand. Love yourself and do not be ashamed of who you are.😍🙏🏽

Hi T., thanks for sharing with us & trusting us with such a sensitive subject.

My first thought after reading your post, is that tonight is NOT the night to come out to your parents. There appear to be a lot of "unknowns" regarding their religious views, and personal views of homosexuality, and since you don't know what their reaction might be, I think it is important to prepare for such a significant conversation.

I have many connections in the LGBT community, and one thing I know people have fought hard to achieve in the past few decades is to be treated like anyone else. Being gay is part of who you ARE, it is not a choice. To approach this with a "light-hearted" demeanor may give your parents the impression that it is something you are choosing to explore in your sexuality right now, instead of something you have come to realize defines that part of you.

I can appreciate the feeling of stress, wondering if they are aware of a part of yourself that you have not directly made public, uncertain of what direction your relationship with them may take once you do. My suggestion is to channel that stress into preparation for this conversation - Diane B had some very thoughtful ideas below, make sure to read her post.

I also found a resource online that has a wonderful breakdown of how to move forward with this decision, things to expect, things to consider from the other point of view, etc. Please take some time to read through this, & perhaps get advice from someone you trust to help you with this situation. *hugs* T. :)

http://glbtrc.colostate.edu/coming-out-to-your-parents
From the Colorado State University - Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgender Queer Questioning & Ally resource.

if you are too light hearted about it will they take it as a joke? my parents thought i was joking when i informed them the guy i had been communicating with was a different race than we are. i dated the guy for a while but he turned out to be a jerk and we broke up. so be careful about how you do it so you don't come across as joking about it.
i would just tell them straight foreward and remind them that God loves everyone no matter what.

T.,
Why is important to come out to your parents? Do you want to have a boyfriend sit at the dinner table with you all? Do you want to have them stop asking you about girls?
Ask yourself these questions and that may help you determine your goal/reason for coming out to them.

There's A LOT of acceptance now days about being gay. Your not alone. My mom is religious. My brother AND sister told her they were gay. My mom was more than fine with it. I don't know your parents personality but if they are SMART they'll be fine. If they are cool with this it'll bond you guys closer together and you'll be happy and show your personality more. As a parent I would love to see my kids so much happier.The only thing you can do is talk from your heart (or writing a letter from your heart and reading it to them) If they are naive and unhappy then that would suck right!? Most likely they'll come around, and if not their stupid. I don't understand how some religious people can be so judgmental on other people who fall in love with the same gender. That would mean you would have to find a support system. Ask your teachers and or councilor at school to help u get info on that. You do you! Personally I think they will love and accept you no matter what.