Throwing Away Kids' Stuff

To me that's the same as saying, "Man, I don't want to wash the dinner dishes tonight. I am just going to toss 'em."

What she did was mean. And it was wasteful. And I imagine, in the end, pretty ineffective. They STILL didn't comply. In fact, I imagine she "cleaned" the mess when she tossed everything. Those items had value, sentimental and monetary. It's ridiculous to throw them away.

I wonder if this was her line in the sand. "I've told you a million times to pick up before I throw it away...so now I am tossing it all." Still doesn't seem like a good parenting choice to me. But I know I have had some pretty not-so-stellar parenting moves in my day too, especially in stressful or emotional moment.

Hopefully, this was a case of bravado. Hopefully her retelling of the evenings events, isn't what really happened. And hopefully she will put a little more thought into parenting choices.

I think, once, I told my older two if they didn't keep the family room picked up I would throw their toys away. Granted the little reprobates picked up the important things and put them away leaving a mess. I put it all in a bag and hid it in my closet. They scampered around the house trying to find their toys and when they came to me I asked what their rooms looks like. Never seen them clean so fast. Then I brought them the bag and said find a place for this stuff.

Not so much worried about my kids becoming hoarders. It is just two wrongs don't make a right. The lesson throwing away toys teaches is that mom doesn't value their stuff either. Exactly how is that going to teach them the value of taking care of their stuff?

Oh I like the earning back theory too it is just, I am too lazy to keep track of it.

Pretty much Nervy Girl's statagy. I grew up very poor. I would no sooner throw away toys then I would throw away money. They are tools for kid's imaginations. I have one kid who keeps a terrible room and one that's ok.

I have seen hoarding. My mil grew up very poor also and kept so much stuff. I would come home from visiting and throw stuff of mine away!
She was a clean hoarder, not trash sitting around, but it was like living in a store. There was much more going on there than the throwing away of things or not having things. A neglect of spirit. The kind that comes from being one of 20 kids.

One of my single most painful memories as a child was sitting in the hallway of our home, sobbing uncontrobably as my mother threw everything in my room in black garbage bags and then marched them out to the trashcan. She was screaming at me about my messiness and screaming at my father not to defend me. All I remember is incredible pain. I recall thinking how much she must have hated me and how disappointing I was to her. I felt like the most unloved child to ever draw a breath. Certainly not the message she meant to teach me but all I "heard". I would never ever do that to another human being. No excuses. I agree 100% with Patricia. The lady was being a -itch. Shame on her and good for you for offering an opposing, tempering viewpoint. Children are people too with feelings and meaning and value. They make mistakes and take time to learn how to become full fledged adults. They are not doormats for inept, impatient parents to grind into dust.

At our house, toys can be put in time out and earned back. But not the trash.

About a twice year, I go through stuff and make a donation box of things they don't play with anymore. But that is different from throwing away as a punishment.

My strategy for helping my 6.5 year old?
HELP him.
He's been helping me put toys away since he was little. It was just part of our day. So, when he's having a hard time managing what's in his room, I help him. We do a big clean-out, and I ask him to really think about what he wants to play with, what's important. We look to see how those items fit, and where, and what's workable for him. (Maybe he's using marbles, stones, and small plastic animals together, so we get one box to put them all together for a while instead of expecting him to sort out those items.)

Within this process, he gets to choose, then we store what's left over, what he's not playing with. Toys that get relegated to storage, are offered and repeatedly declined-- after a while, he might choose to sell them at a garage sale or we donate them or pass them along to a friend. This allows him to have more control over what happens to his own belongings and gives him a chance to enjoy giving to his younger friends-- he really likes this.

When toys aren't picked up repeatedly and it IS manageable, then it's "I need you to have your floor picked up and toys put away before we have tv/media time" and then I follow through and check that it's done. Once again, the consequence of it is on him. If he wants to leave his room a mess (the only thing I require is a path to the door) then that's fine, but his other privileges are suspended until it's tidied up.

Throwing away toys seems to be indicative of a parent with a low level of discipline skills or coping resources. Doing it to a two year old? What the hell is wrong with that woman? The fact that she was bragging about it? Yeah, great, you really showed your two year old who's boss?! No, you're just showing the world that even ignorant, mean people can have babies.

@Mira: funny-- I thought the Chipmunks Christmas music and dental drills were the same thing--- shrill and painful.;)

I'm in agreement with you. Your method is one that I used when my kids were younger, and I think it's a healthy way to teach kids to be responsible for their things.

The only things I throw out are broken and battered things that can't be repaired. Most of the time I let the kids know even then that they need to be tossed out unless I know it won't be missed like a junky kids meal toy or party bag trinket they didn't even know they had. I would never throw anything out to teach a lesson!! Especially perfectly good toys that still have life in them. I do like you, things get put on time out and they have to earn them back when needed. Still gets the point across.
I lost a couple special toys as a kid that as an adult I spent collectors prices to replace because they had meant the world to me but I was pressured into donating them out "to make more room" or it was deemed I "outgrew them". I still resent that. My husband grew up doing a lot of international moving because of his dad's job so everything was purged in endless garage sales so they didn't have to pay the cost of movers for all the extras. He's gone back and paid collectors prices for a few cherished items as well.
Donating out the extra is fine. You need to now and again. But always have the kids be involved in the choice and never force your idea of what they have "gotten to big for" etc in to the mix.
I would never in a million year throw out their belongings like that lady did, especially cherished ones! Children deserve respect. You wouldn't take kindly to someone coming and tossing out your belongings because they didn't think your room was clean enough! You can teach a child right from wrong while treating them with respect!

I would never throw toys away for not cleaning up. However I have taken toys away from them and they have to earn them back. Or they get things like Netflix taken away. Or my son gets his tablet taken away. Seems kind of wasteful to throw the toys away, seems like she could have donated them instead to get rid of them. But still I would not permanently take toys away.

I do the whole "time out thing" also

That's horrible. When my kids were little, I would go through and donate things I knew they didn't like or didn't play with any longer and they didn't miss anything. Now that they are older, they have pretty much gotten rid of all their "toys". They have some favorites as well as books and stuffed animals but mostly "play" on their electronics and musical instruments. About once a year I will tell them I'm going to "clean and organize" their rooms when they are at their dads for a weekend. I will ask them specifically what they want to keep and I will keep those items. I will have all the donated items in bags for a week or so and if they "miss" something, I will tell them it's in the garage still and get it out. If they don't miss anything I got rid of, then the bags to go Goodwill. This has worked better for us because me just telling them to "clean their room" or to get rid of stuff doesn't really work. But they generally will keep it picked up if it doesn't get overrun with too much stuff.

I do get mad that my kids have so many toys that they don't care about them and leave them all over for the dog to chew on. When that happens I tell them we are going to give them to children who don't have any toys because we have too many to care about. I have flown off the handle and said im going to throw all their toys out, but have never done that. We donate the toys the don't use anymore. And I wouldn't throw out anything they valued. I think that is cruel. I would take it until they earned it back. There is no reason to be mean to children, even when you tell them to pick up their toys 1000 times.

She sounds like she's overwhelmed by having adopted her sister's 2 children who are much older than her own child. Her expectations for what to expect from a 2 and 10 yr old seem really out of wack. Instead of punishing she should be teaching them on what she wants and showing them what they need to do.

I use to ground until the room was clean. No watching tv, playing games, going out with friends, etc until the room was straightened up.

I was raised by a single father who worked 40+ hours a week, cooked, and cleaned. He was very lenient (rarely made us clean our rooms, we didn't have chores, etc.) however, when he cleaned house he would throw away anything that did not belong. I sometimes was able to salvage things from the trash and put them away, but many times I wouldnt notice things were gone right away. It did not motivate me to clean up after myself, but I did start hoarding or coveting things. (my dad would even throw away my jewelry that I had soaking).
Telling my kids this seems to motivate them, lol. On Pinteret I saw an idea where you put all their stuff they left out in a clear bin and they had to earn it back. I thought that was a good idea-and showed the mom was organized (I hope to get there someday, lol). I take the stuff and put it in my room till they earn it back.

I don't throw my daughters toys away but I do threaten too. My biggest problem with her is leaving underwear on the floor in the chair or wherevre she is when she changes her clothes. She will change her close anywhere in the house. We have been working on this issue for a while. She will leave clothes on the floor too but the underwear really bothers me. I told her since she is 7 there will be no more excuses. If I see clothes on the floor I take a dollar away. She loves money. She has to earn the dollar back by keeping her clothes off the floor. This has been working until last night. I took $2 away this morning and I don't know when she is getting it back.

One of the most effective punishments I received as a child was my mom following through on her threat-if I didn't pick up my room, ALL my toys would be taken away until I could keep it clean. Literally every toy, from old things I hadn't touched in months to my stuffed animal I slept with were taken from my room, and arranged in my parents bedroom so I could see them all. I earned one toy back at a time for every day I picked up my room before bed. It took a long time to earn everything back, and had the added bonus of clearing out the toys I didn't play with anymore to donate. I still remember this vividly, I can't imagine how devastated I would have been if she had thrown them away. I plan on using this method if I every need to, the repercussions of my actions were swift, and taught me long term I needed to pick up after myself. My heart hurts for those poor kids, especially the adopted older ones, who have probably been through a lot and may have lost toys with sentimental value that can't be replaced. Way to tell her calmly what you do, hopefully behind the anger she actually thought about what her actions may have caused.

Every 6 months we go through my kids rooms and weed out the toys. My oldest daughter has issues with getting rid of broken toys etc. I take from the show hoarders and help her work through the issue in her mind on why she can let it go. It is a test in patience, but we do it together.

I make them clean their rooms every week so it does not get overwhelming for them. That is part of being a family and taking ownership of your things. If you want things you need to care for them. If you don't care for them, then we cannot get things because they will not be taken care of.

I also find having them work with the less fortunate even at young ages helps them to understand and care for their belongings because others may not have.

I have threatened the garbage bag before, but I have never had to use it, as she will always clean it up.

My kids are great with this issue. Every now and then we need to have a clean out, and we all go through their toys together. They get to choose what is donated, what is thrown out (broken or too worn), and what they keep. If I have thrown out stuff of theirs, it's never been a beloved toy - usually broken and not played with, and I do it when they're not around. Sometimes when there's been a really big mess, I will give them 15 inutes to put their stuff away, and anything that's left on the floor is going. This sends them into a flurry of activity (I help out if they're too stressed by it). There's never been anything left on the floor!

I would never take all their stuff and just throw it out without their cooperation.

Their room is their business. I don't allow food or drinks in there and they just get toys everywhere. I'm not a dictator so I try to get them to do simple one step actions every day.

Like "Hey, go in your room and pick up all the shoes, match them, then put them back on the shelf in your closet".

Or

"Please go in your room and put all the books back on the book shelf, books are important and get hurt when they're on the floor. You have 10 minutes".

They don't get to have company or go to friends houses to play or spend the night. If they don't have their rooms clean no one outside of our family can see their rooms.

No I do not throw away the kiddos toys, however if I ask them do clean up their rooms and they do not they lose their computer or tv time and that is the end of the world type punishment for them. lol.
We go through their rooms twice a year or so and get rid of things.
I would be upset if people threw away my stuff without asking so I am not going to do it to them.
Many blessings and you did wonderful on your comments back to her.

I'm odd man out, somewhere in the middle. As my kids get older (10 & 11) I have donated things they leave out. However - I set the expectations, lay out the consequences, and give them a chance to earn them back before I donate. I certainly would not have done that when they were 2, or even 6, but as tweens they are fully capable of understanding that I expect their things to be put away and if they're not they will lose them - possible permanently. My house is not their dumping ground. I allow quite a bit of chaos in their rooms because that is their space. The rest of the house is MY space, I keep it clean and I expect them to as well. It's a respect issue. If they don't/won't respect my belongings (house) I don't/won't respect theirs.

ETA - they know it's their house too, they know they are ALWAYS welcome (DD wants to buy the house next door and never move away), but that doesn't mean they get to do whatever they want wherever they want. You let your kids come jump on your bed and play dress up in your closet and leave your clothes all over the floor? Probably not. They have THEIR space, their rooms, and other than making them pick up for the cleaning ladies I stay out of THEIR space. It's not unreasonable to ask that in MY space, and SHARED space they pick up after themselves. I don't think it's awful to call the house I've worked hard for mine. It teaches them to respect it. When they grow up and have their own house I'm sure they'll expect me to respect their house rules - because I have taught them to respect mine.

I knew someone who did this too - would get rid of toys as punishment (not just for not cleaning, but as a punishment for any transgression). I would never be able to do that to my kids. Taking the toy away for a while is one thing, but totally getting rid of something my kid loves is just cruel. I will absolutely admit that my kids rooms are messy because I have done a poor job in teaching them how to keep it clean - children aren't born knowing how to do things, they have to be taught. That doesn't excuse them from cleaning when I tell them to, but it does give me a moment to pause to remember it, and I tend to try different strategies to move them along.

We just all clean up together. I have to keep the kids engaged by saying things like, ok, now put away all your stuffed animals! Ok, now put those books back on the shelf! Now put those nerf guns in the bucket! They do a great job. I think that mom was pretty harsh personally. I have done what you have done with putting certain toys away and having the kids earn them back. But honestly, they are not all that messy. Both my kids now like having their rooms clean and every now and then they see it's getting messy and they want to clean it up. So, every now and then I do go and get certain toys I've noticed they do not play with anymore and put them away in bags or boxes in the garage. I forget about them for a while...6 months or so...and if no one ever asks for them or mentions them then I sell them or give them away. So far that seems to work well. I do ask them once a year what they want to pass on to someone younger and they pick out some things they no longer want anymore.

My kids are terrible at cleaning their rooms. I usually have to go in there about once a month with a trash bag and clean out all the random scrap papers, empty ziploc bags, beads all over the floor, broken crayons and just random stuff they end up collecting. It makes me crazy!! I do not throw away their toys that they play with. If they leave a toy out around the house and I've asked them to clean it up more than 3 times, I will take that toy away and they do have to earn it back by showing me that they can put their toys away that they leave out. It can take anywhere from 1 day to 1 week.

Husband will throw out a toy if they do not listen or follow through with good behavior.

They do get in shape with this.

But I don't do that because stuff costs money, and hey, they play with it. Why shoot myself in the foot? I want the toys around.

So, no real advice. I would not want someone throwing my stuff away.

When my kids rooms used to get bad I would give them X amount of days to fix the issue or I would clean them for them, but when I clean I go through stuff and donate a bunch to charity. I give them some input, they help with the cleaning, but I get the final say on what goes and what stays. But, this is fully in their control since I give them 4 or 5 days to clean up their mess before resorting to this.

I did this 3 or 4 times over the years and got tired of having to deal with it so I made a new house rule that seems to have taken care of the problem. My boys love video games, so I made any screen time contingent on rooms being straight. I no longer harp on them about keeping them clean, I said it is entirely up to them how they want their rooms to look, but if they want to play games, play on the computer, or watch tv, the rooms must be decent first. It has been a great motivator for them.

My kid is a natural neatnick - So far. In our house, everything is tidy and put away. He cleans up and puts things away himself, without prompting. Not sure what strategy we will employ when/ if he gets sloppy/ careless.

Thanks for this discussion, its helped me weigh the merits.
F. B.