Thought I Was Almost Out?

Hello M.

The feelings of loss over what you thought was a forever relationship in normal. Grieving is done at different times and in different ways. I am sure that this feeling is normal and just a part of the process of tieing up loose ends.
Talking about this is like you said very therapeutic and can help you see what it is you want in your life. Maybe there were some aspects of your past life that you miss very much. You must of had some good times since you said you were married for 18 years. Check that out. See if you can recreate with your new partner some of the things that you are missing.

Also, having children with your ex-partner will make you remember some of the good times you had. Don't push that out the door. They are real and valuable feelings and memories. Denying those memories would also deny your children's expereinces as they grew up.

Starting over after a divorce id never easy and does that time. I've been divorced from my first spouse for 21 years and there are times that I feel sad, not because I would like to go backwith him, but sad because I see him alone still today. I once cared enough about him to be with him and have a child. I think it's only normal to still have some feeling towards this person.

I hope this was helpful and useful to you M.. If you would like to talk some more about this, you can email me. I work with stepfamilies and help them work through the transitions in creating a new family. Good Luck

C. C.
Stepfamily Relationship Coach
www.coachingsteps.com

My husband and my marriage turned sour for tooo long and I was over it. It was becoming verbally abusive and we were both totally miserable! My little boy who was 2 at the time was caught the middle of a mess and I didn't want him living that way and I didn't want to live that way, so i bought a place and moved out on my own with him. My husband changed his tune at that point and wanted to be back together and I refused. We were legally seperated and I started to move on with my life, as did he, I started dating a wonderful man and he treated me like I was a princess and he absolutely adored my son. After several months (less than a year) I started realizing that there was something missing in my life and I figured out it was my husband. We sat down and talked and after a couple of weeks, I moved back "home". We both say it was the worst and best thing that ever happened to us. We have a WONDERFUL marriage now and 3 beautiful children. I think my case is similar to yours. I could be wrong, but I would recommend talking to your husband, away from everyone else and seeing if he is willing to work with you to get your family back together. It sucks to possibly hurt other people in the path, but it is a means to put your family back together. And...maybe you need to start talking to your husband and not keeping all your feelings in...that does not help a relationship (not that you have to tell everything-but you have to communicated). Hope it all works out for you and your family.

Dearest M. ~

I am in total agreement with Teresa G. What are you doing? You are married to your sons' father, but sharing a bed with another man in the same house as your boys. Have your sons developed an attachment to the boyfriend? Have you thought about what THEY might have to go through with the loss of ANOTHER man who has been present in their life? It's time to stop thinking about yourself and consider your children. To put it bluntly, either piss or get off the pot.

I still grieve over the loss of my marriage. It was painful to not only me, but my children as well. I would never want to put my kids through that kind of emotional torment again, which is why I did not allow my children to become too close to any other man besides their father until I was 100% sure I was with the man I would remarry.

Does your husband want a reconciliation? If so, you two need to make that decision NOW and get to work! If not, cut the ties and move on. Either marry the man you live with or cut him loose too. Living your life in limbo has got to be confusing for your children. They may be getting the impression that you're not strong enough to function without a man in your life - so much so that you need TWO men in your life! That's pretty weak.

Get STRONG, M. - for yourself and your boys. YOU CAN DO IT!! We all mourn the loss of our past. There's always some regrets. It's what we do in the PRESENT and FUTURE that counts the most in this world. I still love my ex-husband and always will - I just love him in a different way now. Love is a choice. You need to make a choice and then stick with it. I wish you the very best! ~ K.

Hello M.

First and foremost I would like to praise GOD for allowing you to feel his presance this morning. I am a GOD fearing women who stands on the word of GOD. GOD hates divorce. Before you seek and advice from any of us. Seek the wisdom of GOD on this situation. Pray to him day and night and he will see you through this. Do NOT I repeat Do NOT let the devil come in and steal your Husband. I truely believe if you don't get it right the first time the second and/or any other relation will be hauted by the death of this one. Love is a choice not a feeling choose to Love unconditionally and it will work no matter what your reality looks like now. There is always light in the mist of darkness but then too you have to always choose to look toward the light to experience the effects of it. My prayer will be for you and your Husband to reconcile and stand for what so many people of the world are against the convenient of Marriage which GOD considers to be Holy in his precious sight. Keep your Man fight for what's yours

Dear M. ~
The tears may be more about the lost hopes and dreams rather than the man himself.
It is very sad when you have a life with someone, work hard to work together for yourselves and the kids, just to have it evaporate. There are all kinds of feelings that may be under the surface: guilt, fear of other relationships, & doubt about self, among others. All those are normal. It helps to examine some of those feelings, then AFTER remembering the good and the bad, forgive and let go. Let go especially since you said you don't think you could work things out with your ex... and you have a good relationship now... one that hopefully shows how much harder it was with your ex. (If it doesn't- you may be in the same rut)
It is normal to have feelings come up even after some time apart. In many ways, he will be with you always...the good and the bad. After you explore the past with him, hopefully the feelings won't catch you by surprise as much. And, after you contemplate things, you can consider clarifying things with your ex. if that will help you. Hang in there.

Hi M.,

I think it is just a part of grieving for something ending, not that you want anything any different. Perfectly natural, and you don't have to do anything about it. You hadn't really felt the loss of your marriage ending, and you needed to do that. Go ahead and feel it, think your thoughts, and then go on with what you were doing. Maybe this is actually a way you are getting closure for yourself because you are ready to make the moving on permanent (divorce).
Best wishes!

You still need to mourn the loss of the relationship with your ex. It's normal.

I would gander that your tears are not for naught and should not be ignored. Marriage was designed to be a lifetime relationship. Even when we believe we have moved on, the "moving" is often incomplete. Marriage is a relationship composed of three intertwined components (you'll quickly note that I mentioned only a few and all are the positive aspects): emotional/mental (desire/care & concern/respect/ commonalities..., physical (sexual and sensual), and spiritual (commitment/bonding point(s)). The loss of, or damage to any one or more components does not necessarily sever the relationship, but instead causes great agony--whether or not it is acknowledged, and sometimes later rather than sooner.

My best suggestion is to pray (if you are so inclined)and seek wise counsel--especially from those who have relationships you have treasured from up close or afar. Then before making any more decisions, examine closely exactly where your relationships are compared to where you desire them to be and why. This is always a decision that even wise counsel does not provide the correct response but instead, places you on the path to finding the right response for you.

It's also important that you know that severing a marriage is a very painful experience. Truth be told, all involved (especially for the children, regardless of their ages and any disharmony in the marital relationship)--even the person who initiates the process, hurts. So the decision to marry or "unmarry" is not to be taken lightly. My heart goes out to you. I sincerely hope that you pursue wisdom and take your time to make the right decisions.

The man with whom you now live--if he truly loves you--will help you through this pain and challenge without setting unreasonable requirements/demands. Right now you need patience and understanding while you seek truthful and honest answers--something that appears to have been avoided up 'til now. But also know, that decisions cannot be placed on eternal hold and left unmade indefinitely. Lots of lives are hanging in the balance on this one.

P.S. - If you find that your tears are over the loss of your marital relationship, then you should serously consider
"releasing your friend." You're not really "with him" as yet.

I would go to counseling and work it out there. This is probably a normal reaction.
M.

Hi M.,

What you are experiencing is grief over the loss. The second year of a loss is when the memories come back and that is what you are experiencing, grief.

This grief you are experiencing will affect your present relationship if you don't get professional help and work through the loss.

It is not fair to your present relationship to talk about your past one.

You will heal with time. Be patient with yourself.

Good luck. Hope this helps. D.

M.,

I think sometimes we have moments like you had, I think it's ok, I don't think it necessarily means you want to get back with your husband, I think maybe it's just a way we respond to what we might have wished things turned out instead of how they worked out.

If you all really wanted to work things out, you probably should have done it a year 1/2 or so ago. Get some counseling, I wish had when my first husband and I split up. I was too afraid someone was going to try and convince me to do something I didn't want to do, but later realized I really needed it just for me, one way or the other. Who knows what would have taken place with more immediate counseling, in your case and in mine. Maybe just the peace of mind that it was the right thing to do and I didn't have to spend years second guessing myself.

If nothing else, if you and your husband can remain good co-parents to the kids, that would be an great outcome. Being civil to each other in front of the kids is such a great lesson.

Get counseling, move on and have a great 'next stage' part of life!

I think you grieve for the end of a relationship whether you are happy to be out of it or not. I left my husband and there is not doubt in my mind that it was the right thing to do (and he keeps driving that point home!) but I still find myself crying every now and then. It is the loss of a dream or a life you had planned on. Two years is not a lot of time. Maybe you didn't give yourself enough time to go through the emotions of the loss of your marriage before moving on. Have you seen a counselor? It just helps to work things out in the open. Especially if you don't normally talk about things. I know a great counselor in the Reston, VA area if you are interested. It really does help you work through your thoughts and emotions and clear your head.

S.

M.,

It sounds like you are having guilt. Stop holding on to, the "just in case boyfriend" and explore your remorse. Usually when there is guilt, there is a reason. Most people try to stuff it or ignore it. You know in your heart that you have contributed to the demise of the relationship. I suggest you own it. Blame does nothing but keep you a victim.

I do not understand why you are both acting single if you are still married. Especially with kids involved. No wonder you are feeling ambivalence! I think you should get out of the relationship with the boyfriend regardless of the fact your HUSBAND has a "good" girlfriend. Frankly, I do not know your definition of a "good" person. Imo, it is NOT someone the is involved with a married person. Both your boyfriend and his girlfriend are interlopers. You said you and your husband tried once to get back together...Once you obligate your self to children, you should try until, period! In the end, it will be what is best for everyone involved. For me, I try to be the wife I would want my boys to marry. It helps me be better than I FEEL like being.
I know this may not be a popular response, but feel if you heed it, it could make all the difference in your future.

Have you ever listened to Dr Laura? I am a big fan of hers. I would suggest you read her book, Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives. Also, she is on week nights from 7-9 on 850 am radio.

Make better choices, for the best life possible.
T.

Sounds to me like there is a lot more going on than just the seperation from your husband. My advice would be seek a counselor and talk through all that has happened in the past 2 years. How are your sons taking all of this too? I might ask them if they are interested in talking to someone. If nothing else, open up to a girlfriend. Sometimes just talking out loud to someone else will help. Good luck!

hi, there is nothing wrong with having these feelings. you should explore with a therapist. it can help work through some things in a confidential, objective environment. good luck, jennifer

M.,

We ALL have those moments that you are speaking of. Everyone wonders "what if.." Don't let this get you down. You say you are with a wonderful man now and your ex has a girlfriend and you know the two of you couldn't work things out. So, don't look at the 18 years you were with him as a loss. Be thankful for your children that came as a result of being with your ex. Think about the good times but NEVER forget why the two of you seperated. If you continue to find your self crying and being sad - maybe it is hormonal. I started menopause at your age. You may have to consult your doctor.
I tried Hormone Replacement theraphy but had bad results with that. Now I am on Paxil and am much better. I was embarrased at first to mention things to my doctor but I am so glad now that I did.
I hope things go better for you. Take care.
A.

I agree with Megan. You need to move on and accept the situation for what it is. You have mentioned that you've tried to get back together, but it didn't work. So you did what you thought was right at that time, and based on that decision, the other party moved on and made their decisions.

The best way to accept what is and move on is to look at what you can and have gained as a result of your decisions. If you continue to look at what you've lost, that's all you're going to feel... lost.

I have been divorced for many years and I still have those moments. I don't have any desire to go back and I know that we tried, but when your life doesn't go the way you once envisioned it, you grieve for the loss. Just like with the loss of a loved one, you have a lot of pain and grief when it happens and you continue to grieve for years especially if you are someone who holds things in.

I am very happy with my life now. I feel like I am where I'm supposed to be and I know that I did not like the person I had become during my marriage. Still, I have times when I cry for what was lost and what could have been, even though I know it really couldn't have been. Then when you add in the hormonal moments we all have during the month, it can really make you cry for no apparent reason.

So, don't worry because you will have those moments. It doesn't mean that you don't love the man you are with now and it doesn't mean you want to go back. When you have those moments, call a friend and vent and hopefully you will feel better and get past it.

Sometimes grief gets lost in the shuffle of immediate changes; things are stable in your life now, you have the time to lay it all out and mourn. It'll pass, you wouldn't be where you are now if it had been possible to save your marriage, right? So give it the tears it deserves, dry your eyes, and move on with the blessings you have now. The hardest thing I've been learning with my own divorce is open my hands and let it go so I can move forward.

Hi M.,
Perhaps it means that you have reached the need for a decision. 2 years is a long time to be seperated, yet you both are in limbo. You don't necessarily want to be together, but you can't officially be with your new guy (or someone else) either because you are still legally joined to the old one. My suggestion is to ask your husband to move ahead with the divorce. Create a clean break/starting over point. This doesn't mean that you have to marry your current guy, or that he has to marry his girlfriend. It means that you acknowledge that you need a clean break. You've been seperated for a long time, so its not that much will change in your everyday life.
M.

It's interesting,you say otur boyfriend is wonderful but do you love him?And you seem more worried about messing up everyone elses life at the expense of yours.You definitely need to spend some time looking inward and figure out what's best for you.Go to the library and get some self help books.I'm reading "Relationship Rescue" by Dr. Phil.Definitely for the sake of the kids you don't want to do alot of flip flopping back and forth.I wish you the best!