Thinking of Adopting a Second Child

Updated on May 31, 2009
G.M. asks from Watertown, MA
5 answers

Hi all. I would love to hear from adoptive parents.

I have one daughter now who is 18.5 mos old. I had an extremely difficult pregnancy (Symphysis Pubis Disorder and was on crutches starting at 22 weeks), a difficult recovery (excess granulation tissue needed to be removed THREE times), and I had SEVERE post partum depression (I was suicidal).
This put an enormous strain on my marriage, with friends, my job, and just made my family worry excessively.
I just do NOT think I can go through that all again.

There is enormous societal pressure to have a second child, and I often feel like I am doing something wrong by not having a second one. But with my circumstances it is too much for me to go through.

HOWEVER, with that being said, I would like another child. It does not have to be a newborn, and I would love to be able to save a life. I know there are lots of children out there who need a loving home.

I know adopting is not easy. I do not know where to begin.

I would love to hear from others who adopted - maybe from those of you who adopted a second or third child. How did it affect your marriage and other children? How do I start?!

Thanks so much!

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answers from Lewiston on

Hello G.,
First I have not adopted, but have several cousins and friends who have. One cousin adopted a Chinese toddler, and a Mongolian toddler (they were not able to adopt infants, due to foreign regulations). Another cousin adopted twins from the USA. All of the children are doing well, and yes there have been stresses for all- kids and parents. The twins have contact with their birth parents, and see the birth parents once a year. As children get older they may want to know and find their birth parents.

I had the fortunate opportunity to listen to one of my seniors give their senior English presentation this week, and it was in part about adoption. He and his siblings had been in and out of the foster care system in our state, and finally all were put up for adoption. The sisters were adopted by a family in one part of the state, and the boys in another part of the state. My student's comments were he is so happy to have been adopted (at 13) and to have the stability and love of a family. He is happy all of his siblings are in stable homes, and sees adoption as a very necessary option, and wishes it were more readily available for foster kids who will eventually be adopted. One of his comments was it takes time to build trust and relationships.

From an observer's point of view, be sure you are adopting (not to save a life) but because you and your husband want another child, who will be come part of your family, as a child, and as a sibling. One thing my cousins and friends have told their adopted children, that the child was chosen to be part of their new family, and that they are part of the family, loved and respected, and that they are special- likewise their siblings are also special, loved and respected.

As the child gets older the child may need some counseling- due to many issues, including who are my birth parents, why did they abandon me, do I have any biological siblings, cousins, other grandparents etc. My cousin's older child has had some counseling, and some of my high school students who have been adopted have shared some of the above issues, and have also received counseling.

Whatever you and your family decide the adoption process takes a while, and also money. One of my co-workers is a foster parent/ family. That is another suggestion. Go to the classes / meetings that are suggested/ recommended / required.

One further comment my niece is an only child, who is healthy well adjusted successful young adult graduating next week from college. (Her parents decided to have only one child in part due to several miscarriages). A family can be a happy fulfilled family with a single child. You and your husband must decide what is best for your own family.

Best of luck, enjoy your little one.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

I don't have experience with adoption, but I just wanted to say I think it's wonderful that you are considering this! I often tell my husband that if we had more money and time, I'd love to adopt too. I totally agree that there are so many needy kids out there whose lives can be saved by becoming part of the right family. I commend you for having the guts to come out and say that you aren't going to succumb to the pressure out there regarding having a second child - good for you for knowing your limits and knowing yourself so well.

You might just google "adoption centers MA" and see what comes up and what is out there. I think there might be one in Waltham but I'm not sure... anyway, good luck and let us know how it turns out!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Boston on

Lenore Z is talking about Wide Horizons for Children in Waltham MA. I have a beautiful, 5 1/2 year old, adopted daugheter from Guatemala. She came home at 5 months old. Wide Horizons was one of the adoption agencies we used. They hold general adoption information sessions all the time. It's a great place to start getting information even if you don't use them for the adoption. They'll talk about things like open adoption vs. closed, domestic vs. international, costs, different country programs, the dreaded home study, etc.

One thing does concern me a bit about your question though -your reasons for wanting to adopt. Saving a life and because you feel pressured to have a second child are not great reasons for wanting to adopt. Adoption is obviously a huge, life changing, committment and you and your spouse need to be on the same page about your wants and expectations. There are all kinds of tools and resources on the web for exploring if you are ready to adopt. Just google "reasons to adopt".

Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Boston on

We adopted our 4th child through NH DCYF. We are a licensed foster home. Initially our daughter was our "foster daughter" but eventually she was freed up for adoption. You can go through the training to be a foster parent with the intent of going straight to adoption. Every DCYF office has a book of children waiting to be adopted. You have to be willing to accept the children as they are and hopefully make their lives better. This is a cost free option, although it can be an emotional road. Call your local division for children youth and families office, and good luck to you.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Providence on

hi G.,
we are adoptive parents of a now 6 year old girl and are a "waiting family" for another child. you have many options and there is a ton of info out there, all agencies hold informational sessions. we adopted through the foster care system. the process isn't easy, no matter how you do it, but i wouldn't change a thing and it was the best decision we've ever made. i agree with the other mama who commented on the "saving a life" idea, you may want to be careful with that line of thinking, as the child and others in your life may feel that the child "owes you" for "saving" them. just something to think about. anyway, good luck, it's great that you are considering this so carefully..and please feel free to send me a message if you'd like any more info or ideas..

1 mom found this helpful
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