I am almost a senior and I hang out with a couple of senior, single women. We go to movies, plays, and out to eat. If the play is a distance away I usually volunteer to pick them up at one of the other women's houses and drive us. But occasionally they have also driven us when we go to a craft fair, for example. When I am picking them up I make that clear and say that I will pick them up at so-and-so's house and they seem genuinely grateful for me driving so often. One of the reasons that I offer to drive so often is that I have a newer, more reliable (in my opinion) vehicle.
But if we are going to a local movie theater, for example, we all just meet there.
This time we went to a local play that was very close to one of my friend's house. One of my friends said that in the past I have picked them up for plays at this place also. I don't remember that as we go there so seldom. I was thinking of it like one of our movie outings, I guess. Anyway, I texted my friend through an online game we play so she is always able to see our entire line of conversation even days later (i.e., it is documented). I thanked her for buying the tickets and said 'I will be there at 15 till. See you then.' A day later she texted 'How about 2:30 to be safe? Parking and all can take time!!' I texted back 'ok sounds good' She responded 'Great!! See ya then!'
I thought it was weird that she wanted to be there so early at a local, small theatre but I tend to want to be places early (though I have improved on that) so I thought I had been a bad influence on her. lol She thought it was weird that I suggested 15 till, because she was expecting me to pick them up. So it was all a miscommunication and I so wish that I had clarified with 'I will meet you at the theatre.'
I got there and they weren't there. I called her at 2:40 and asked if they were on their way. She said they were waiting on me. I still didn't get it and said 'oh, all you already sitting down?' She said they were waiting on me to pick them up. I was surprised and said 'oh, I didn't volunteer. sorry.' That's the first it dawned on me what had happened. They rushed over and made it in plenty of time for us to get seated before the play started, so no problems there.
When they came into the lobby I was smiling and understood it was a miscommunication, no problem and had my cash in hand to pay her for the ticket. The first thing she said was, in what sounded like an angry voice 'see you there could mean here or my house.' The look on her face was angry and she was definitely snapping at me. I was taken aback and said in a normal voice, 'whoa, you're mad.' She said she wasn't angry (but still sounded angry) but that she just wanted me to see it from her point of view.
My daughter knows this person real well and says I should talk to her. I don't know what good that would do as she has already stated that she wasn't mad but that it was, to some extent at least I am surmising, my fault. My 2 non-single friends and my daughter agree that 'see you there' means at the event. My friends say not to talk to her about it and just try to get over it and be clearer in the future. I am trying.
I provided a lot of details, I know, but if you don't it seems like a few people make some wild assumptions and accuse you of things that aren't even true. lol Also, I always get one or two hateful responses sometimes calling me a name. So, if you think I am a baby and can't stand my whining then move on. I don't need your advice. lol
So, in a nice way lol, please tell me how to unsee this hateful vision of my friend snapping at me over something that I don't believe was my fault. I can understand from the stress of the moment maybe snapping at me, but then maybe apologizing later -- but that's not happening. I know, whine, whine, there are much bigger problems in the world. lol
I have season tickets with these 2 women to the plays that I drive them to. I adore the other woman, she was very nice and not angry but she was the other woman's friend first so if I stop hanging out with the one I will not see the other anymore. I need to get over this. I know it is silly. One friend said to make a joke out of it in the future like exaggerating our future plans in detail and joke about the last time. Maybe there is no good advice to offer and it will just take time and it is just still too fresh.
It helps to hear everyone tell me to just move on and the reasons. I found this thread which kind of describes how I feel http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f26/how-do-you-... I don't think I have Social Anxiety disorder, but I was bullied and teased as a kid so I think that may be why being snapped at hurts so much for me and makes me distrust that person from then on. Thanks.
I really feel over it now, it seems small and insignificant now. I think posting it in detail, reading all the responses, and then realizing why it bothered me was very cathartic.
Friends sometimes snap at each other. We're all human, and sometimes we're inappropriate.
As long as she is pleasant the next time she meets you, let it go. We all have bad days.
Even best friends aren't friends all the time.
Anyone can have an off day.
Miscommunications happen sometimes.
It was no ones fault.
She was flustered and snapped - many people would have done the same thing - it shouldn't be a capitol offense - I wouldn't expect an apology.
If we kept harping on something trivial none of us would have friends for very long.
Besides that, grudges are too heavy to hold for very long.
Look at it like a brief rain shower.
A storm blew up, it rained for a bit and now it's over and the sun should come out and shine again.
A lot of us snap when we are stressed! I know I do. I would just put it out of your mind. There is no reason for her to be angry with you and there is no reason for you to hold on to this. It was just a misunderstanding and nothing more needs to be said about it. Now go do something nice for yourself so you can move on in your mind. And while I think your communication was fine and I would have personally read it as "meet at the theater", just take that extra step to be super clear in the future.
I'm thinking it's just still fresh, and you keep mulling it over in your head. Totally normal. And I'm guessing she was just stressed out over cutting it close, so she snapped. I have done that, I get frazzled so easily.
I would give yourself a few days to let yourself simmer down about it. You'll worry less each day. I like the advice about exaggerating the plans in detail in a funny way just to deflate the situation. If she is still snappy, then I would say something like 'it was a miscommunication between ALL of us, but it worked out okay!'. Hopefully, she's at the point where it's behind all of you and not a big deal. She said it herself when she got to the theater- 'see you there could mean here or my house', which means she should totally get that you understood it to mean one thing and she took as the other. Completely understandable on both parts.
I tend to stew over things that catch me off guard as well, it's tough to get them out of your head and move on. I usually give myself permission to obsess for a day or two, and then know that it's time to move on. Good luck!
Just remember we all have bad days. We say things we don't mean, we snap at people we care about, and we sulk because .... well I'm not real sure why we sulk but we do.
She likely said she wasn't mad because she knew her anger was unjustified. She was upset (possibly embarrassed) and it came out snappish. If she continues to act upset, apologize again for the misunderstanding. Then drop it.
"Hey, I don't want this to linger. I'm sorry that I wasn't clear in my communication. It really didn't occur to me that you would see it differently, but I can understand why you did. Things just weren't clear. In the future, let's all leave no room for misunderstanding. Are we good?" Give her a hug, and keep it moving. She's got a point to make and is feeling misunderstood if she's still holding on to it.
There was a misunderstanding. The best way to get past a misunderstanding is for both people to acknowlege what happened and resolve to seek clarification the next time.
There's no reason to let this ruin a perfectly good arrangement. Talk with her about it over coffee and move on. The sooner, the better. While it's still fresh.
I would just let it go and move on, and NEXT time, be very specific about the driving arrangements. Making assumptions often leads to miscommunication and sore feelings.
Just call her...call her and apologize for the misunderstanding. Don't make exaggerated jokes about this in the future. Say that you are honestly very sorry for what happened and you'll be more careful to communicate better in the future. It was a lack of communication.
it was just a misunderstanding. these things happen. hopefully her snappishness was just in the moment, as it were, and not an indication of some deep and permanent rift.
and if it is, SHE'S the one with thin skin issues.
i absolutely agree with your daughter that the air needs to be cleared. i DO understand her annoyance, but once all that settled down, she should be mature and intelligent enough to realize that this was not a deliberate or even a derpy mistake on your part- it was a simple misunderstanding by EVERYONE. she could have clarified along the way just as easily as you could.
don't get caught up in trying to persuade anyone what 'see you there' REALLY means. its very ambiguity was the problem in the first place. i'd suggest something along the lines of 'marybethrose, the incident the other day has been weighing on my mind. i just want to reiterate that i'm sorry you were waiting for me to pick you up, and that we all misunderstood each other. for my part, i plan to make an effort to be much more clear in the future.'
and leave it at that. no need to mea culpa yourself to pieces, nor to expect a big show of contrition from her. all you really need is an easy laugh and a better feeling moving forward. i just don't think it will happen if you've all got it simmering on a back burner.
khairete
S.
You sound like a very sweet lady to have as a friend:) Hopefully, your friend is as kind as you are and apologizes for her behavior.
I want to add a little something to what the other posters have told you. The next time that you make arrangements with someone, whether it be to meet up with them or pick them up, make sure that you CALL THEM just as you are about to leave. I always like to micro-manage people because it saves time and hassles. This gives them time to prepare for your arrival, plus it re-confirms the plans so it helps avoid misunderstandings.
Warmest regards,
M.
Some people get super frazzled and snippy when they are late/discombobulated. She may have been feeling stupid as well. It was a mix up, and if this friend is kinda cranky this way, just let it go if she's nice in most other situations.
I know this stuff bothers me more when I'm hormonal (week before-PMS time), so that could be an issue also.
Breath - move on :)
Having a friend mad at you isn't fun. I suggest you apologize to her and say something along the lines of this.
"Hey, I want to apologize for the misunderstanding last week. I thought about it and you're right. See you there could mean anything. SO here's my idea. When I'm picking you guys up I will say "I'll pick you up at XX:xx am/pm" so that way we are sure what the plans are."
I think she got a bit hurt when you said "I didn't volunteer". That was sort of "It's not my job to get you here". You're friends, you want to spend time together, you have long term plans together, don't let this one misunderstanding come between you. Make it right. Even if you don't think you did anything wrong.
She didn't understand the meaning of "there" to not mean you'd see here there at her house. I get it. Surely you can be the least bit understanding of that right?
"I didn't volunteer" sort of sounds like you didn't want to have to go pick them up. I think it was that statement that did the most damage. You could have said something like "OH MY GOODNESS! I didn't realize I was coming to pick you guys up! I'm sorry I misunderstood!". Then it would have all been better. No skin off your back and everyone is feeling better.
OMG!!! I totally agree with your statement about needing to spell out the details for some people here. So here is my rant, about 1 or 2 out of ten responses here = helpful, about 5 or 6 just like to talk and 2 or 3 are angry bitter ladies who love to be hateful.
Anyway, sure there was some ambiguity. That actually happened to me. We were both waiting for the other outside our homes to be picked up for a bunco night. I was annoyed. I ended up doing the driving as usual. Anyway, you can say to make it clear, drive yourself every time unless you ask me directly with gas money in hand, biatch. Okay easier said than done. Be classy and let it go. You were right. See you there leans more towards the event. See you soon is either one. Your timing also is in your favor. She knows discussing it would make you the winner.
I can't see any good coming from a big heart to heart since we don't live on the Hallmark channel.
if this behavior is out of the ordinary, I would assume it was a more her problem than my problem thing. yes she was mad,embarrassed etc, but you don't know what might have happened earlier in her day to make her so crabby. if the next time you see her she is still acting this way then maybe you need to rethink it, but I bet she will be fine and it will all blow over.
She might have been stressed out worrying about being late. Some people don't respond well to that kind of stress.
I don't think your concerns are petty or wrong. You can't help how you feel. But I do agree with you that these feelings probably go deeper in some way. That's what I'd really work on - facing, accepting, and grieving that inner child that was hurt. Then it might be easier to move on so that stuff like this doesn't bother you so much.
<<hugs>>
I am learning that seniors can become very sensitive to issues.
A much younger friend wanted to take a 90ish person to the doctor
and go in with her so they could both hear what he had to say.
The 90ish person was extremely offended, like her younger
friend thought she was getting senile, which is not the case at
all. She read into it wrong wrong wrong.
Your friend was outnumbered possibly. Her friend may have wondered
if she was losing it. She was defensive trying to save face.
Possibly nothing will become of it but I say DEFINITELY wait to address
this for a couple of days. Takes more emotion out of responses.
I would call her and tell her you can see how it was taken differently
than you had intended. Apologize again and let her know that you
will make note to be more specific in the future and that her friendship
means a lot to you. Good luck.
I would imagine she was just caught up in the stress of the moment and annoyed at the inconvenience. Did they walk there? Or drive. If they drove, perhaps her car wasn't "ready" (low on gas, had things in it that she didn't want left sitting in the car in the theatre parking lot, etc) and she was put out by that. Either way, I would just move on.
I wouldn't make jokes about it (that will make her feel like her being upset or inconvenienced is joke-worthy, and that is not your intent to convey that feeling). I would just be forthright. When you make plans next, when you are speaking to her, begin your confirmation of the plan with a brief, concise apology.
"Jane, I'm sorry things were not clear last time. So for clarity, I will meet you at the theatre for the play at 3:00 pm." or "Jane, I'm sorry I was unclear about how we were meeting last time. This time, I will pick you up at your house at 2:30." Or whatever the case may be. And then don't say another word about it.
Let it go.
IF she doesn't let it go and keeps up about it, then try to ignore it and decline to pick them up in the future. Plan all events to meet AT the venue. Then, there will be no confusion and you won't have to listen to her ungrateful comments while you are transporting her in your car.
I feel you totally. I have always been that way and I will be the first to say I don't have a thick skin at all. I have learned though in my 44 years that those are the kind of people I don't have time for. Sometimes you just don't mesh and that is okay. I would just go through the motions since you have season tickets I think you said so you don't look like the one who can't let it go but in the future I would rethink of who you want in your life. Maybe by the time the ticket season is over she will change or apologize. I once had a "friend" freak out on me for something silly. I did give her a piece of my mind but we no longer are friends. I just chose to break away and have more positive people in my life. Maybe see what the other woman thinks? Maybe she can play a role in patching things up or confirm that you don't want to be a rug that the other walks on. Good luck!
You know, I don't think that you're too thin-skinned. You might not be thick-skinned, but I don't think you are overly sensitive.
And I think you are being too nice by saying that you were the one at fault and that she had said she wasn't mad. She WAS mad. She was rude too. There was no one really at fault. Instead, it was a simple miscommunication. Do you really think it's always your job to clarify when others don't make things clear?
If I were you, I would stop picking other people up. Instead, tell them every time that you will meet them there. This woman doesn't deserve to be picked up. Let other people be the drivers from now on.
I disagree with your friend to make a joke out of it. When you do things like that, K., you are telling your "friend" that it's okay for her to treat other people like that. It's not.
Just let it go. Things happen. Just be very friendly and pleasant next time you see her. If she appears to still be upset, speak to her privately.
You are STILL being bullied and need some new friends if you are unable to establish NEW boundaries with your existing friends...i.e. "I'm willing to take TURNS driving, but I don't WANT to drive every time. If this doesn't work for your current group of friends....YES, as others have suggested, move on.
Seniors get riled easily but on the flip side I love them as pals be Use they are always game to go somewhere, anywhere. Apologize and take the rap-and no you were not at fault-just do it to keep the peace. There is a reason that you have chosen them as pals versus women in your own age group. Think on those reasons.
