" The Talk" with a Ten Year Old.

You've gotten some great advice. I especially agree with the suggestion to have lots of little talks vs. one big talk.

My two favorite books (and my DD's too) are "Where Did I Come From?" and "What's Happening to Me?" I find the books are a great way to initiate & continue dialog.

Good luck!

I bought this book for my daughter - she started her period very early at 9 and this book helped out so much. The Care and Keeping of You - from the American Girl collection. You could give that a try :0)

Hi Keisha!

I would suggest just giving her some books to look at first, and then you can see if she has questions or wants to discuss something. I think she will like to take her time going over info in a book. You might want to start with The Care & Keeping of You: The Body Book for Girls and Don't Sweat It!: Everybody's Answers to Questions You Don't Want to Ask.

Best of luck!

Keisha, I went to library and got books on how babies are born, what they look like in the womb. I also purchased some American Girl books on taking care of her body and what changes her body is going to go through. She really enjoyed those. She also was 9 years old when I got pregnant with our 3rd child, so she learned ALOT about how and why! But, I only told what she needed to know, age appropriate. I didn't go through how you "do it" of course! Good Luck, B.

Hi Keisha,

I also have 2 children, my girl just turned 11 and my boy is 2 1/2. My daughter didn't know boys had different sex organs either until her little brother was born. I knew I had to talk to her about sex because I didn't want her finding out about it from other kids at school. It's a very sensative subject but they must know about it and it's best if they learn from us. It's good to go to the library and get informtion about talking to your kids about sex. They have educational videos that would help you out as well. It helped me a lot. Hope this helps. Good Luck!!!

Funny you named your question "the talk" as there is a great article found on the Focus On The Family site named:
Themes to Touch On During "the Talk".
You can find this article at: http://www.family.org/parenting/A000000693.cfm
And there is so much more information to be found there!
God bless you as you instruct and guide your young girl.

A dear friend of mine who is an elementary school counselor recommended a book to me on this subject. It's titled "What's the Big Secret?". It was written by the gentleman who wrote the "Arthur" series of books and his wife. I've read through the book twice now in anticipation of having "the talk" with my 8yo son. The book is matter of fact, covers everything they need to know at this age and doesn't go over the top or hype anything up.

Ten year olds are certainly curious about sex from their own body changes and of course the media.

Please please read the book Sex & Sensibility: The Thinking Parent's Guide to Talking Sense About Sex by Baltimore/Washington specialist, author, educator, etc, Deborah Roffman, known as the "sex lady" to many independent schools. Her emphasis is on how to integrate information about sexuality from birth throughout life. If the vocabulary is already part of your family conversation, it's so much easier to talk about the "specifics". And don't assume this issue will no longer be hanging around after you have the "big talk"--this is an evolving development in your parenting life.

If you are so uncomfortable about the subject, say so. You might also ask your PTA to bring in a specialist such as Roffman to talk with your community. Roffman also talks to students at many schools.

AND, it is so much easier to talk straight about sexual development when your daughter/son is 10 and you are certain your child is not engaging in sex than when she is 14 and already "playing around". That can raise the concerns about whether the "talk" is a way of giving permission to indulge.

Remember that values are just as important as "hard, cold facts". It is a formidable challenge when helping children sort through the hash of family values, personal beliefs, media messages, and peer pressure about sex. Our children need to know the characteristics of a healthy sexual experience as well as an abusive one. Girls especially need to appreciate mutually in a sexual relationship--more relevant in light of over-reported oral sex among middle school kids. A core message to both our sons and daughters is that sexual pleasure is an activity this is shared equally between partners.

By encouraging more age and maturity before considering sexual activity gives our children a better shot at making responsible decisions about when and with whom as well as handling the intense emotions that come with intimacy (including rejection and disappointment). Lastly, some child psychologists find that girls get more pressure from their female peers than from boys to experiment sexually.

D. Hart, Ed.D., www.edpathways.net

Yes, try the public library! I was there the other day and came across lots of books appropriate for girls (and Moms) who are just starting puberty or will be in the next year or so. Most of them are well done and informative in an easy and non-scary way. Really, go see. Look in the computerized directory or ask the Librarian to lead you to the section. You and your daughter can read them together.
I wouldn't wait any longer!

Keisha M.
There is a book "My Body Myself" this is a good starting place.... It should open

I agree with everyones posts so far. But I warn you. Do your talk before she hits 5th grade....or middle school...because she will find out on her own because of "FAMILY LIVING" and the older students.

S.

American Girls has a few books about taking care of yourself and growing up. That would be a good stepping stone and not just about sex. Also, find out what they may be discussing in health class. Most schools give parents a head's up and allow you to review the materials. Websites for feminine products (like Always) also have suggestions for how to talk to your daughter about puberty. I think that these conversations aren't just something you do once. Like you said, talk to her in stages. Give her an open forum to talk to you about things so she's not uncomfortable getting the right answers from you and not just going by what the girls say in the locker room. She may think "ew, Moooom!" but she will appreciate the info later.

Keisha-
I know you worry about saying the right thing but she is looking up to you for answers so there is no wrong answer. My daughter just turned 12, so we did this last year. I loved the book by american girl- The care and keeping of you. It is very age appropiate for young girls, talks mostly about body changes. My daughter carried it around with her for several weeks. What ever book you choose make sure you read it yourself first. Then you can go over it with her, pointing out some of the important information.
This is a time to help open the lines of communication for teen years.
Good luck to you. You will make out great!!

The Body Book by the American Girl company is terrific. It is age appropriate and not too graphic. There are also other books out there - check your local library. I got the books and "left them around". Then, when I noticed that the children were reading or interested, we'd sit and chat about what they read or I'd ask if they had any questions. My oldest always had questions. My youngest had a question now and then. She's almost 13 and has more questions as time goes on. It's a process...

Good luck on this touchy subject. I would begin by asking her what she does know. I was surprised how much my oldest daughter (she is now 13) knew when she was 10. Also, as a middle school teacher you probably notice how some girls know more than you would think. My daughter is also stubborn & I have had to use extra patience with her to keep the lines of communication open. My greatest help has come from the schools health classes & my church family. They help me establish a foundation on which I could grow on. Your love for them as their mom is a great bridge that covers a multitude of mistakes. Good Luck!

I also have a ten year old. I have not had the official "talk" with her yet, but she does know some already. I try not to keep her in the dark about things especially if she is asking or curious. You should buy the book by American Girl called The Keeping and Care of Me. It is great and she will enjoy reading it with you.

There's a great book called "From Diapers to Dating" by Debra W. Haffner that you may find helpful. It's about how to talk to children at different ages about sex. There are also a lot of books out there specifically for kids. One by Marc Brown (of "Arthur" fame) that my boys really like: "What's the Big Secret?"

Good Luck!
E.

Hi, Keisha!
I also have a 10 year old daughter, and I had "the talk" with her this summer, but only about the changes her body may go through. I explained that this is to prepare her body to have a baby, (when she is older and married). I checked out a lot of books at the library, and just had a matter of fact talk with her about it. I left it open to her that if she had any questions she could ask me at any time, and that if she heard her friends talking at school about anything she didn't understand, she could ask me as well. We are going to have the "sex" talk soon, but she herself said she wasn't ready to learn about that yet. Hope this helps!

Hey Keisha... the real quick answer is that there are many books that you can pick out at the library or the book store that are focused on that of which you speak... Make her feel free to ask ANY and ALL questions... and that nothing is too silly or embarrasing to ask... My daughter is 9 and we've talked several times.. thru those talks I learned that she has a 10 year old friend in her class (4th grade) who has "allegedly" had sex with both of her brothers AND her cousin... Now.. I just let the principal of the school know last week... I don't know ofcourse if it is true or not... but you know it could be! and you wouldn't want that to be your kid that my daughter is talking about (hypothetically of course)--- So... go head Mama! open up that forum.. just you and she... tell her about your life.. who you liked at her age, who didn't like you, who hurt your feelings.. who was nasty ... all of that.. get her talking and it will do nothing but bring you closer to your baby. Remember don't have any STRONG reactions to what she is saying... no "WHAT!!s" and "OM MY GOD< NO U DIDN"T!!s" just say that in your mind.. and keep a strait face.. say really? is that so? and do your thing... I'm sure it will be a good experience for you both and it will open the lines up for future talks.. when things start getting really serious! Good Luck and God bless!! and don't go into too much detail if she doesn't ask yet... she doesn't need to know EVERYTHING just yet... keep it age appropriate.

L.

This may help, too. Not the same circumstances, but some good advice, I think. (cut & paste into your web browser).
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008...

Go to you local book store and find the sex talk books for kids. They are great. My kids were very comfortable with them. I used it 10 years ago, so I am sure they are even better now! Very relaxing and non-threatening. They were explanatory with drawn illustrations. My kids still laugh about them and they are 19 and 23!

Hello Keisha,

I also have a 10 year old daughter and have been talking a little about this subject with her recently also. I bought her a book from Bath and Body, it is a book about girls and developing in the American Girl line. It really has a lot of good information for a girl that is starting to develop. I am going slow at this too, I did explain how babies were born and that seems to gross her out quiet a bit. I am going slowly and telling her the different stages. Now we are preparing for the period, so I have explained this and how she will feel. I am scared but know it is best to talk about it as my mom never really explained stuff to me so I want to make sure she understands. My husband has been gone for a year to Iraq so we have had several heart to hearts and when she gets to the point she is grossed out I stop and then we start up again another day

I hope this helped a little.

L. B

I am a teacher and have taught Reproductive Health to 4th graders. I think it's important to stay within your daughter's comfort level when talking. Only answer the questions she has at the moment. If she doesn't ask, I would suggest not explaining further than necessary. There will come a time when she asks for more clarification. Also, use proper terminology. I was horrified when a 9 year old told the entire class that women "drop" an egg every month. Of course they were all thinking about a chicken egg falling on the floor...NOT ovulation.
Good Luck. Remember, keeping open communication is key because this talk should not only happen once. It is an ongoing conversation for years to come. I suggest a book "The Care and Keeping of You: The Body Book for Girls" by Valorie Shaefer. This book is excellent in expaining development to young girls!

Hi. I am not an expert, but i did teach human development and puberty for seven years at an all boys school. I found that being straight forward, no frills, honest works best. Buy they magazines at the grocery store that are at her eye level and talk to her about what their covers might be about. You will be surprised at how much information, right and wrong, she already has due to media, friends, etc. There are a couple of great books out there that can help guide both of you. Look up Lynda and Area Madaras. They wrote, My body, My self for girls and another for boys.

Don't feel like you need to be an expert. If you don't know something, look it up together. Be a team. Be clear about what your rules are and encourage her to talk to you. Good luck.