In my nearly 3 years as a mom, I am sometimes humoured, sometimes annoyed at the compromises that come with parenting. I'm not talking about with my daughter, but my husband!
Here's some of the odder compromises I've had to make in a pick-your-battles scenario.
1.) He insists and is obsessed with my daughter having dessert everynight.OK, so it's just like a bit of cake or two bites of ice cream but I say why create expectations and a sweet tooth.
2.) He insists that I wet her hair for every bath because "it's not a real bath or shower if you don't wet your hair. Dear Freud: This is a classic case of projection.
3.) He keeps my daughter awake so she will poop at night. For real: He insists that when he plays with a certain stuffed animal, she will poop. I draw the line at 9 p.m.
So what are some of the odd compromises you've had to make, where you just shut it to keep the peace!?
Thankfully we agree on minimal TV, lots of physical activity, discipline, socialization/education.
I guess we're ahead of the game.
I posted this somewhat humorously. Yes, he is OCD but won't admit it. He is also a loving and involved father. Whenever I challenged him on the above, we ended up fighting in front of DD and it's not worth it.
ETA: Now I feel obligated to explain that my daughter eats very healthy, fruits, veggies, home cooked meals, no fast food, no frozen food, etc.
I'd draw the line at #3. Her body will learn to poop some other time if she is allowed to go to sleep, so why keep her awake?
My husband INSISTS that my son wear "comfy pants" at nap time. I have to change him into pajama pants or sweat pants just for nap time, even though most of his pants (until very recently) had a comfortable elastic waistband. My sin is thin and even his jeans with buttons and zippers are not tight and uncomfortable on him! The only thing I can understand changing for would be overalls, but I have to change him every nap!
I'm sorry, but your husband and I would have a great deal of trouble living together. I apologize if it's rude for me to say that he is very odd.
I would not compromise on any of this, so no, your husband and I would NOT get along much.
Dawn
I've never heard of anything like this.
Dessert is a sometimes thing in our house - we're all watching our weight and we don't get a lot of cavities.
For birthdays and holidays, sure - but every single day? No.
We don't want our son to have to weight struggles like we had in our youth.
Try for maybe some fruit or jello for dessert but go easy on the bready sweet stuff.
I did use to wash our son's hair every night but it just was to get clean and wash the day care germs away - I wanted this - Daddy never expressed an opinion about it one way or the other.
Keeping her awake till she poops?
Our son's bowel movements were never that predictable.
You follow your bedtime routine and you go to sleep.
If she ever gets a case of constipation does he expect her to stay up for days?
For some people, pooping every few days is natural for them.
I've heard of anal retentive before but your husband has it bad.
I know it takes all kinds, and I don't know - maybe I've led a relatively sheltered life - but I've never heard of these sorts of things before in child raising.
Is your husband obsessive compulsive?
Maybe he should see a counselor about it.
I'd have a hard time living/raising a child with rules like these.
Just want to say I found it humorous! Not sure why others feel the need to comment when it had nothing to do with what you were asking. :)
While I realize you posted this "somewhat humorously," this sounds really scary that he is so controlling. You use the word "insists" which would indicate to me that you either do it or else!
I suggest you get him some help now before it's too late and he "insists" you do other things that you or your daughter don't want to do. I'm sincerely scared for you!!!
Good luck!!!
Impressive that most of the people who responded to this have perfect marriages and don't have any unreasonable compromises with their spouses. Too bad that the rest of us all clearly have something so wrong!! Maybe we should all get therapy!! (But I digress...)
In my marriage, I am the crazy one :o) I have all sorts of rules that my husband thinks are silly, but in general he tends to abide by them. There are a few things he thinks are okay, though, that I don't, such as letting our son eat in our bed. I say, no food in the bedrooms!
My husband is kind of nuts so I know where you're coming from. My new year's "resolutions" (I hate that term, it's more like goals for me) regarding my kids were to shuffle some things in our schedules to enable me to consistently spend at least one hour of 1:1 time with each child per week and to do a better job of taking more pictures and videos and actually do something with them (print some, make collages with music, print memory books etc.). Postive things, right? My husband? "This is the year I'm going to crack down on them! I'm just going to start immediately taking things away from them until they learn that when I say 'empty the dishwasher' I mean right now! And I bought the big kids two towels each that are their own colors and if I catch them using other towels, they'll have no towels at all!"
Now we have 4 kids who are, at the end of the day, pretty good little people. They're not mindless robots who immediately jump into action when told, but they're not insolent little delinquents either. I don't really care about my husband's wacky ideas because at the end of the day, my kids are old enough to see the craziness for what it is and they kind of go along with it and laugh about. I mean, really, towels? That's the hill he's dying on? I also know he doesn't have the attention span or energy to focus on these regimens for long so we just indulge for a while and then things slip back into balance.
The other thing I've learned to more or less ignore is that he keeps score, relentlessly, but only if I do something for my oldest son (who is not his child). For example, if my son (age 14) is hungry after hockey practice I sometimes stop and get him a shake or a snack on the way home because if he eats a snack when we get home, my husband immediately starts harrassing me about "why does he get to stay up later than everyone else? And then eat something at 10:15 at night he should walk in the door and go straight to bed" like it's a privilege to have to be at hockey practice until 10 at night when he would much rather be in bed asleep, like he sets the schedule himself or something. So then when my husband sees that I bought him a drink or a snack, it's "how come he gets extra things that the others don't get" (um, because they had dessert and snacks at home while he was skating?) and THEN the next day he'll make sure to bring home something special for just the other three to "make up for" the fact that my son had a milkshake that the others didn't get (and they didn't know about it, because they were asleep). However, he picks up a bagel and drink for his daugther (my step daughter) every Saturday on the way to kickboxing and when he coached soccer, always stopped and got the younger kids a little breakfast treat (mini muffins or a munchkin) on the way and those are OK. I've learned that I can't reason with someone who it totally irrational. Luckily, I can reason with my kids.
Insane, right?
I can understand feeling humored and annoyed at times. I think most married people can relate to these fluctuations! It's part of life.
I don't necessarily know of any odd compromises, but do know of several times when I've had to take a deep breath and step back. We have to choose our battles. I ask myself, "Is this an important battle to fight?" If so, then I fight it. If not, then I let go. It doesn't mean that I'm not annoyed about it, but it's a choice.
I like how you are grateful for the positive areas in your marriage and parenting. No one AND no situation is perfect.
You know, I had to learn to let go a bit too.
My husband works long hours and is usually home for the last hour of the time Kiddo's awake. One of his ways of engaging with our son is to wrestle. At first, I really dug my heels in, I wasn't thrilled about our son getting all riled up before bedtime. Our son's preschool teachers, though, really backed him up. It probably helped that I had known them for a long time and *knew* they were awesome women before he started preschool. :) In any case, I've relaxed a lot on this and it's been good.
We are on the same page about a lot of other stuff, and sometimes, y'know, I just have to tell myself "Go into another room, H.. Just butt out." My strategy works pretty well. We both have slightly different parenting styles, and it could be a lot worse, but we agree on so much that it's easy to let the small stuff slide.
My husb & seemed to be on the same page w/most things UNTIL we had
our own child together.
Then he did a 180.
He said I've changed. Well, yes, that's true. I'm a mom now. I no longer
have endless engergy, want to have sex all the time at all hours & times
of the day, I have more responsibility, I care more now for another
smaller human being than myself. So yes, I have changed.
My husb has started to become controlling. I will not be controlled.
Also, the traditional roles have changed as this is not the 1950's or the
caveman age for that matter. You cannot bonk me on the head w/a club
to have your way. Not that he would ever do that but a comparison all
the same.
I will not allowed to let myself be controlled, ever, but I do now see that I
am not always the one that is right and he does have a right to parent.
So I've relented in small ways. For instance, I have realized it's okay for
him to teach our son how to climb huge boulders w/care & a helmet on,
ride bikes on the sidewalk of a semi busy street w/his helmet on & dad's
watchful eye.
But I will not be told how to love my son. If I want to do something fun
w/my son & everyone's at work and school, well so be it. I will.
My son and I have a relationship and how I choose to encourage that
bond is no business of his. I do not endanger my child (never would do
that) nor do I intend to spoil my son into Paris Hilton style spoil-dom.
I do try to listen to his views/concerns more now.
I weigh in his side of the issue & his concerns.
I am a mom so ultimately I get to have say in my child's upbringing. I
don't care what he thinks about that.
I cannot and will not be controlled. Not now, not ever.
I am a responsible adult and mother.
I do try to compromise more and take into consideration my husb's caring
father-side.
Your husband is...unusual. I would take these discussions to a private room where you are not arguing with him in front of DD. I would ask him why he has these "rules" about her and what he thinks (per his OCD) will happen if she doesn't do x or y. Right now she is 3. She will get her own mind (or more of it) and balk at his unreasonable demands. I suggest you work with him on this vs just rolling over if she really needs her sleep, doesn't absolutely need wet hair or a dessert. Consider it laying a long-term foundation in the event that his OCD becomes unreasonable.
I compromised on things like not getting DD's ears pierced as an infant because DH felt strongly and it didn't matter THAT much to me. DH and I also do bath time differently and as long as DD gets washed, to each their own. Bath time with Mom is more quiet and bath time with Dad usually involves a lot of active play and splashing. If he wants to clean it up, go right ahead.
hee!
these are pretty funny ones!
it sounds as if you have figured out livable compromises with a fellow with some mild OCD going on.
my husband succumbed to my insistence that we read to them every night without fail (although he himself didn't do 'breakfast stories' as well), and i gave up my family tradition of opening one present on christmas eve because it squicked him out so badly.
i'm sure there were more that i've blocked out<G>.
:) khairete
S.
My husband is ADAMANT that the kids do not EVER wear pajamas outside of the house, like to run to the grocery store with me real quick, go through the drive-thru, go to my parents' house who live around the corner from us. It is SO ridiculuos to me, but if he is around, we follow that rule. If it's just me and the kids and I know we are just going somewhere real quick then coming home, I don't see a problem with it. BUT I have some pretty quirky rules myslef so........
I would tell him that if she eats dessert every day, then dessert will no longer be special, and he is depriving her of something special. If she washed her hair every time she bathes it isn't good for her hair. And why would anyone want to poop at night? Pooping is for morning!
My husband had this hang up about not letting the kids have chocolate milk in the morning. I would have compromised, except my younger son won't drink white milk. I ended up taking my husband to speak with a nutritionist who explained to him that there was absolutely no reason not to let a child have chocolate milk in the morning, and the benefits of drinking milk (white or chocolate) far outweigh any possible drawbacks of having chocolate milk (the amount of sugar is negligable).
My husband was also against either of the boys having a bedroom in the basement, but I am pretty sure when my older son turns 12 he will have a basement room.
Daily dessert? This does not sound healthy. The others I can kinda see.
