The "I Think Your Having Sex" Talk?

Updated on February 19, 2012
S.W. asks from Springfield, IL
18 answers

I have a 18 year old girl who just turned 18 a while ago, she has been datting the same boy since she was 16, he's a great guy, but no parent ever wants to think about this topic. I was thinking about it yesterday, and it just kinda hit, she could be having sex, they have been datting for a long time. Yes, I have talked to her about this before, like protection and she should feel conforatable to talk to me about anything. She is my quite one so she might not come to her. Its actully a really scary thing to think about. I'm thinkin' I need to start talking my 16 year old about this too! ahh! So andvice on how to approach this topic? thanks!

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So What Happened?

Thanks for all the responses!! And just so you know, my daughter is a senior in hs, soo she still lives at home, so that is why I thought I should be talking to her, not to mention im her mother!

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answers from New York on

My mom asked me point-blank over lunch one day. She got an honest "yes". She had always been really open with us about sex/pregnancy/STD's, etc so it wasn't a complete shock to have her ask.

If you need/want to know, then ask. If you feel like you want to reinforce the point of birth control, then reinforce that point. My mom said something along the lines of:

"Barbie, you and Ken have been dating for some time now. If you want me to make an appointment for you to discuss birth control with the doctor, I will and I promise not to get upset."

Not only did this result in my having an appointment with the OBGYN within a week, but it also took away some of the "secrecy" that had been going on for months.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Philadelphia on

i dated my ex from 14-26 and I definitely was having tons of it! I would have never admitted it to my mom though, probably because we J. didn't talk about those things and I would've been afraid of the repercussions. I plan on being open with my daughter throughout her life and drilling in the facts of std's pregancies and myths regarding sex and the ability to not get pregnant or std's from certain things. I want her to be safe should she decide to and I'd like to be close enough that she can come to M., but I will also have her aunt talk to her and let her know she can confide in her if thats easier

3 moms found this helpful

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answers from Dallas on

In a moving car. MY mother did this trick for any serious talks. There is no eye contact and no one can leave if they get upset or embarrassed. We always knew we could go to our mom with anything. And many a secret was revealed on trips to the grocery store.

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answers from Muncie on

"Hey, Sweety, I was thinking yesterday about taking you to see Dr.(OBGYN). You're 18 now and really should be started seeing one and getting the full check up once a year. Never too early to learn about breast exams and all that. What do you think?"

Do not mention your fear about her haveing sex. Seeing a OBGYN isn't just about getting her on the pill, but getting her into the habit of thinking about her own overall feminine health.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Seattle on

At 18 I was out of the house, living on my own, taking Birth Control (that was covered by my insurance, lol) , having sex.
I sure HOPE you have talked to her and the 16 year old about sex, contraception, consequences...
" Hey Sarah, you and John have been together for awhile. While I know it may make you uncomfortable I REALLY want to stress to you how important it is to take care of yourself by protecting yourself." and go from there.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from St. Louis on

If you have already "talked" to her what is there to talk about.

I probably just don't understand the question.

Do you just want to confirm your suspicion? The easiest way to do that is say are you have sex with (boys name). She will mumble a yes or no and hope to god you never broach the subject again.

When your kids are having sex it is like when your parents have sex, you know it happens but no one wants to talk about it.

You teach them what is what and then let them be unless they come to you.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from St. Louis on

I agree with Jo sounds as if you really would like affirmation of your suspicions. Instead, how about just simply offering a visit to the dr/Planned Parenthood for basic birth control measures. Better safe than - not sorry - but becoming a parent before she's ready. :)

Treat this as being proactive & in charge of her own decisions....rather than being nosy/concerned mom.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Hartford on

Here's my thing. The fact that she's 18 years old means that she ought to be seeing a gynecologist regardless of whether she's having sex or not. She should be checking with a gyno for any questions she has about her menstrual cycle, bringing up any problems she might have with her cycle or PMS, concerning or confusing symptoms of "anything" and establishing a trusting and healthy relationship with a gynecologist for future visits. She needs to establish a baseline for healthy lady bits as well for annual check ups, which is part of establishing the relationship and in case there are any concerns it's better to catch them early. And of course she can start the discussion with her gyno about types of birth control, what they do and don't do regarding STD's, how effective they are, and get some one-on-one education about her own personal reproductive health.

So maybe now that she's 18, I would approach her like taking her to see a gynecologist (and not necessarily the same as yours, maybe another one in the same practice) as a right of passage. Let her know that it's an important step in becoming an adult, and it opens up the conversation and chances to discuss birth control.

EDIT: It's good to get your 16 year old into the gyno too for exactly the same health reasons. Gynecologists are not just there for birth control, but our entire "female parts" health.

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answers from Austin on

Yes, I think you should, just mention, that you are just making sure she still understands, you are in no way encouraging her to have sex, because it is very emotion for someone as young as her, but if she is, to make sure, they are both being careful with their protection.

Also remind her that this is also something neither of them should share with others. This is not a subject that is shared. It is very private.

I used to speak a lot with our daughter about teen choices and consequences. This included, drugs, alcohol, illegal activities and sex.

When we heard about kids at her school, or in our area, that had gotten into trouble, we spoke about why, what and how this was now going to affect this persons future. How must they feel? What their families must feel. How would they be able to get past this?

We spoke about the girls and their boyfriends that got pregnant and how everything changed over night. What would they need to do to care for this child? It seemed like these kids aged 10 yrs in just a few days.

There was a group of popular guys at one high school that had a huge party and a girl died because no one realized how I'll she had become fom the alcohol. These guys were 17 and 18 and so they were charged with providing alcohol to a minor. They both lost their college scholarships.

And so you want your daughter to feel she can share anything. If she needs protection, an excuse, or a mom to speak with, you are always going to be there.

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answers from Dallas on

No parent of a daughter wants to think about it... I do think it's a double standard and try not to have it, especially since I have both girl and boy, well 2 boys. I like S.B. about the moving car, had to laugh... and I've done that but that wasn't the reason behind it, usually something was said or a lyric to a song...

I like to approach the subject very honest and open... I usually say, are you having sex, praying the answer is "NO" and my smart mouth daughter always says "YES" jokingly of course, then I say, well we need to go see a Gyno so you can have your first paps smear... then she asked what is that... told her and she was like, I was just kidding, I'm not having a doctor do that... I knew she was lying I could see it in her face... anyway, I just start giving her the facts, especially about STD's how some will never go away, how your reputation goes, so on and so forth... Just be honest with them both. Tell them you ware ready to be a grandmother either, so birth control is needed. My 16 year old is not sexually active and is still a virgin, but I have no problem putting her one the pill either...

I still remember taking her to the doctor's office when she was 14 and they asked if she was on any type of birth control. When we left she asked why did they asked me that. I said because there are girls having sex at your age and having babies.

Be honest and opened, tell her you'll take her to get birth control if she wishes.

Good Luck Momma!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Atlanta on

Ah yes -definitely talk to them NOW. Many, many kids in the U.S. are sexually active long before 16. Your 18 year old most likely has been having sex for the last few years. Make sure she's on some type of reliable birth control. Include your 16 year old on the conversation and make sure she understands how to get birth control, that she can approach you and that ANY type of sex can have undesirable results if they're not careful (oral, anal and regular intercourse).

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answers from Chicago on

you have to just take her to the ob/gyn and say, "offer her birth control" out of ear shot of the daughter - explain that you think she is sexually active and want her taken care of

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

Well, you probably should take her to her ob/gyn (if she hasn't already been) and get her a prescription for the pill. Beyond that - I am not sure it is actually your business if she is having sex. At 18, I was in college, living away from home and while I did tell my mom I was thinking about having sex (right onto the pill), I certainly did not call her to announce it was a done deal. It was like my parents having sex - I knew they must have 3 times (I have 2 siblings) but who wanted to think about it or (even worse) talk about it.

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answers from Chicago on

this is 2012, she already knows what she is doing, just talk to her to let her know that it is too early to have children, wait until you have a plan at life and live it first, and a job to support this other person,life is hard enough, be prepared.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from New York on

Sounds like you would just like for her to share if she wants to. Remind her that you are available to discuss/ listen to anything she has to say, including, talking about sex. Remember she might not want to.

A bit of unsolicited advice I once received which stuck with me came to mind. This woman said to make sure that you have plenty of condoms and lube around in the house. Put 100 or more in a box in the linen closet marked "rubbers". Make their presence known to your own kids and to their friends. Invite them to take as needed. You don't want to see any of them face unwanted preg or disease because they were too embarrased, etc. to get their own protection. She also advocated topping up the supply regularly so that no one felt conspicuous taking them. She said include 36 in christmas stockings and easter baskets too.

Don't know it that jives with your household, but food for thought.

F. B.

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answers from San Francisco on

She is an adult. All you can do is encourage her to go and see the gynocologist and get an exam, birth control etc. As far as the 16 year old, tell them you have something you want to discuss but its uncomfortable for you. Then launch right in.....keep communication open and honest and it will be fine!

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answers from Chicago on

I would just sit down with her and bring it up, if she is then you definately want her to be on birthcontrol. Condom's aren't enough. Some kid's want to have "that" talk but are just waiting for "us" parents to bring it up. Good luck!



answers from Oklahoma City on

I think since she is legally an adult I would think she has been to the doc and might even be on the pill already. Who knows.

I would mention to her that if she'd like to do her yearly appointment you are calling the doc, could be for any little thing, and does she want to make a yearly appointment? A private, no mom in the room, appointment.

Then tell the doc to ask her if she wants a scrip for BC. That way it is a discussion between doc and patient.

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