The Fathers Rights to My Son

Updated on February 04, 2013
A.B. asks from Elmhurst, IL
15 answers

My son is four weeks old, his father is an ex best friend of mine since tenth grade, I'm now 31. He cheated on his wife two times with me. A million with others, now I know. But anyway we found out I got pregnant, I didn't want a relationship, or anything just friends. Well he threatened me to get rid of my baby because his wife and three girls would be hurt. He harassed my father and sister trying to get them to get me to get an abortion. Well now the baby is here and I'm ready to do this alone, he wants to be in his life. He wants to take my son all day while I'm working to his house with his one year old n wife that stayed with him after all the cheating. He also has twin six year old girls. He always wanted a boy so he wants my son to be in his family, I'm so scared to let him over that house. Do I have to let him take my son? Can I wait until he is at least four months ? Are there guidelines we can follow. Should I get a lawyer n go through courts? Will they give him custody like the fifty percent he wants now. Even though he didn't want him and he has a family that he hurt in all this. I don't want them around my boy just yet. Please help any advice would be great.

What can I do next?

  • Add yourAnswer own comment
  • Ask your own question Add Question
  • Join the Mamapedia community Mamapedia
  • as inappropriate
  • this with your friends

So What Happened?

Thanks. I needed to get advice. And it's good to hear. I don't want to be selfish , this was good to hear. They are very stricken parents but I cant think that they will be this way to a four week old. It's is just so hard to have to share my boy. But I will think of him and I know he needs a father.
I don't mean to judge the wife, I have known her for a long time and I just don't have much respect for her. I hate to say that but I'm being honest. She is very mean to her kids, and she has babysat for my older boy and he is so scared of her, so it's just a little bitter blood between us. I'm trying and I will always show her respect when I see her. Just deep down we don't like each other.
Thanks! Ok so it sounds bad but she babysat for me a year before all this happened. They were splitting up when we were together n we were just friWe were friend10 years, it just wands trying something out. Now we are here but its not as off as u may think. I'm not a homewreker or slut. Just made a mistake. N lost a bestfriedn out of all this too.

More Answers


answers from Columbia on

Remember, dear, you cheated with HER husband. She has a right to be bitter. Perhaps you might consider going to her and talking to her. You're both adults. Apologize where it's necessary and work together to do what's right.

The baby isn't just YOUR son. He has a father, stepmother, and sisters...and a whole extended family. Grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles...

I hope and pray that, while his wife was beating some sense into him for being a lying, cheating, jerk, she also reminded him that his son needs a daddy and family who love him (yes, I know you and your family love him too...but there are NO limits to love so don't be selfish just because you're angry).

The more people in your son's life who can love him and guide him, the better. So don't let this be about money who who gets visitation when...let it be about what's truly best for your son.

Also, try not to feel too slighted when his dad's wife loves him too. And his sisters. Try to embrace it all. I know it sounds hard...but you'll adjust.

Pray that this experience changes you all for the better.

C. Lee

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Seattle on

Until you get a parenting plan in place... He can take him &

- not return him
- leave the state
- leave the country
- etc.

Because he's his biological parent he has 100% access/freedom to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, with HIS kid.

And the police won't stop him.

So get an attorney.
File for custody.
Or be prepared to run the risk of him taking your son
Because if he files first, he'll probably get primary custody.

- He's married, employed, in a home, already raising children. Aka "stable".
- You're a single mom, who had an affair with a married man (and you'll be judged harsher than he will be, which isn't fair, it just is)... So you're likely to be deemed unfit UNLESS YOU GET OUT IN FRONT. Be so responsible "looking" that you are beyond reproach.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

Definitely get an attorney. Right now he has no rights because this hasn't gone to court yet. Presumably he's not on the birth certificate and you didn't sign off on any paperwork at the hospital that said that you agree that he's the father, right? In that case, right now he's just some guy. He has to establish paternity first before he can assert any rights. And those rights will come with responsibilities like child support.

There is a chance that a judge would order shared custody vs. awarding physical custody to you and giving him visitation. Heck if he plays dirty, there's a chance he could make a case that it's best for the baby to be with him and his wife in a two-parent home. For those reasons, I would say to get a lawyer and be prepared to have to fight for custody.

This is quite a mess all around - I hope you all come to some sort of agreement that's in the best interest of your baby and isn't too hard on the adults involved.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Eugene on

Red flags: he threatened you and harassed your father and sister. Normal, safe people don't do this.

Yes, your son has a right to know his dad but with supervision or guidelines to protect him.

Get an attorney and if possible, a court advocate. Here in Bend, we have CASA, and another organization that provides court advocates for women and children in your situation. There is no charge for their services. I hope you can find something similar in your community to support you through the custody process.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

You need a lawyer and a paternity test. There are guidelines. My friend's daughter's father wasn't with her anymore, but she supervised visits til the baby was older/weaned and now they do the regular weekend and part of summer thing. Paternity was established. He pays child support, half medical and half daycare.

You need a lawyer to help you figure out what's legal, fair and reasonable and you should also apply for child support for your son. It sounds like he wants to play happy family vs having your son's interest at heart. He can be a father to them all, but everyone needs to face the consequences of their actions.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

BEFORE you let that baby go anywhere, get CUSTODY! If you don't have a custody order, then as the father he has just as much right to the child as you do. If he takes the child and then says he's not bringing him home, you will have NO RECOURSE if you don't have a custody order. That man could take your child ANYWHERE in the U.S. and you wouldn't have a leg to stand on.

I do think that, after you get custody, you should let him see the child and have the child get to know his father and father's family.

Friends with benefits is not always as beneficial as it seems!

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Philadelphia on

where would he be otherwise when you are at work?
you have to put your feelings aside. your son needs a dad. even if he isnt great. If his dad can be a good father (meaning not perfect but be a better influence on him than not having a dad....yes even if he's a disney dad) and love him you need to encourage a relationship rather than your son growing up to feel abandonned.
How is he wife? It sounds like you;'re judging her for staying. I think she sounds awesome to want to make your son a part of the family even though he is a product of her husband cheating.
You cant judge your ex-friend and not judge engaged with a married man, you cant use the fact he was a jerk to prevent him from seeing his kid

My ex cheated on M. for the entire duration even though i couldnt be with him I would never try and orevent a relationship with Emmy

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Naples on

It would be better for u to get a lawyer and start the ball rolling rather than him. If u don't give him what he wants he will take u to court. He has every right to be a parent to his son. You have to make the best if the situation. Baby doent have to spend nights just yet but u might want a break and welcome the free help.

I have a stepson. His mother got pregnant 2nd time she hooked up with my husband. At the time they were both young single getting drunk and having a good time. Oops that good time resulted in a baby and they didn't even know each others last names. 6 years later I'm married to him and we have 2 little girls and a baby on the way. My step son lives primarily with his mother and we do weekends. He has a great love for all of us. We have a loving, stable home that makes him feel comfortable. On the other hand his mother still hasn't gotten over being a single mom and resents our "traditional family" she lets it eat her up. Doesn't change the visitation schedule just makes her 1 bitter person. So if I were u I would get over it and move on with your life. Holding grudges or resentments towards the other people involved will only take away from your ability to be the best mom u can be. Good luck, you don't have an easy road ahead of you.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Columbia on

Yes, you need a lawyer. You need to establish paternity, determine custody and a visitation schedule and set child support. OR the dad needs to terminate his rights and get out.... which it doesn't sound like he is willing to do.

Why are you scared to let him take his son to his house? Do you feel he will be mistreated? LOTS of people, when faced with an unplanned pregnancy say things or indicated they "didn't want" the child...... but when reality sets in they come to grips. Some even make excellent parents.

You son has a father. Your son has siblings. You and your son's father didn't do this the right way.... but it is what it is.

Unless your son's dad is abusive or does drugs or is neglectful..... He has RIGHT to be in his son's life. Both legally and ethically. he could get as much as 50/50 custody. Really, this is probably in YOUR SON'S best interest. you just aren't sure it's in YOUR best interest. And that's normal and natural.

I urge you to call a lawyer RIGHT NOW. I also urge you to find a mediator and a counselor who can walk you through all of the steps in this complicated matter.... both legally and emotionally.

Good Luck.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

Get a lawyer!!! Don't allow the man to have any relationship with the child until you have gone through all the legal proceedings first. For your safety and your child's safety!!! Best wishes!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Santa Barbara on

Well said Christy Lee!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

Well, you slept with a married you have to pay the consequences..he has every right to see his son, your son has every right to know his sisters too. Think before you go to bed with someone next time and get to know them better.


answers from Hartford on

Please get a lawyer immediately. Please make sure that you go through the courts to establish custody and child support and yes, paternity. That will mean getting a DNA test, but get it all done through the courts. Maintain the best relationship with the baby's father and wife as you can, but your first priority is your son. It's good that the father came around and wants a relationship with the baby no matter the reason.

You might want to brace yourself for the courts telling you that any accusations you make about their parenting don't matter and only make you look bad. If you believe they're unfit and abusive parents then you're going to need proof of that in order to keep them away from the baby without fabricating evidence. A mom yelling at her children or even a child she babysat isn't going to be a big deal to a judge determining custody. Being "mean" to children is subjective to the observer. She and he would have to be abusing children according to state standards. There would likely have to be a paper trail proving it, such as an open file from CPS/DCYF.


answers from Rochester on

Well, you DO need to go to court, establish paternity, establish custody, establish child support, etc. That needs to happen immediately. If you want a lawyer, get a lawyer, or if you can't afford one, apply for a court appointed attorney to help you through this.

However, a child has EVERY RIGHT to be raised by TWO parents, and you need to understand that you are FORTUNATE that his father wants to be in his life. Not all children are so blessed. And if I were you, I'd quit saying "he wants to take MY child to HIS house" because it is as much HIS child as YOURS. I know that may be hard to swallow considering he initially wanted you to terminate the pregnancy, but it sounds like that BECAUSE you didn't, he's willing to step up.

What kind of father will he be? Don't know. But you have to give him the right to be whatever kind he'll be.

I can't believe you let the wife of your cheating boyfriend (and YOU are the other woman, how sad) babysit for your other child. To me, this whole situation seems a little off.



answers from Dallas on

He is your baby's daddy, and he does have some parental rights. You desperately need an attorney and have visitation and child support legally established. Given his inancy, it's unlikely that the courts will allow him extended visition time at this point and unlikely for overnight visitation for several years. He may have a "right to first refusal" if you are leaving your child with a babysitter, though. You need to get this all worked out legally immediately.

For Updates and Special Promotions
Follow Us

Related Questions