The Ex - Toms River,NJ

First of all, I would suggest this...think of how you would feel if he had custody of your son and he told you the things that you told him your son said.
He probably thinks you made it up to be nasty to him. This has to be a relationship between your son and his dad... not between you and his dad. If your son won't speak up for himself, then you have to just let him have time to be able to do that.
It could be that he feels he has to say these things to you about his dad because he knows how you feel about his dad. Deep down he may really want a relationship with his dad and he probably loves him very much.
I realize you may not like your ex, there is probably a lot of hurt involved however, he is still your son's father and he should be allowed to have a relationship with him. If later in life your son decides not to have anything to do with him, thats fine, but it has to be his decision. If you keep him from his dad, he will know it and could hold it against you when he gets older.
It's important for kids to figure this out on their own, don't try to force your opinion of his dad on him, he will know that you did that.
I've been in your situation and believe me, you don't want this coming back to bite ya in the butt.

Let your ex know that he can call or visit, but visits must be scheduled. Calls should be allowed whenever he wants to talk to his son... done so at reasonable times of course. If he has questions or concerns about your son, let him ask you and answer him cordially, but when you are done telling him the updates, hand the phone off to your son.
There is no reason, short of an abusive relationship, to be enemies with your ex. You don't have to be best of friends, but you don't have to hate each other either.... remember, you once loved each other at least some or you wouldn't have been together and had a child in the first place.
When I was a single mom, I was careful not to talk badly about my ex in front of or around my kids and I didn't let anyone else do that either. It about killed me because my younger son always thought my ex was a great dad... even though he never called or came around... but as he got older, he learned on his own, with no influence from me. My (now) husband adopted my boys and has been the only father they have really known. They do see my ex once in a while, as we are still close with his family and they do have a brother and sister from him.... but, when you ask who their dad is, they say my husband's name... and if anyone says my ex is their dad, they correct the person and say, he is the bio-dad, but that is all... their real dad is my husband.
I know it's hard to deal with, but you have to take a step back from the hurt and the hate and remember, if you were in your ex's place and he had your son, how would you want to be treated?

go to court and let the court set visitations for him. that way if he misses one date. he will have to wait for the other. honestly, your son, in long run, should be encouraged to have a relationship with his dad. i understand your son doesn't want to now, and probably rightfully so, but your ex IS his dad.
good luck

Hi M.,

I am sorry you are going through such difficulty. Exes can be difficult on a good day!

What if you simply refuse to have a conversation with your ex when he acts disrespectfully? When my ex starts yelling, cursing, etc., I hang up the phone or close the door or walk away and tell him to call me when he can be rational. I do not bother trying to counter what he says or to defend myself. I simply refuse to talk to him until he can be rational. Even then it's a challenge, but it takes the edge off and helps keep me calmer.

As for the late returns, I had my lawyer write him a letter, and I kept track of the return times and let him know that enough of them would trigger a court date in which I asked for reduction of visitation time. You do not mention how old your son is, but if he is very young, that is not good if it interferes with bedtime or getting up for school the next morning.

Just some thoughts....Hope they help.

Good Luck!

J.

It's amazing how ex's decide they want to be fathers once they get a new girlfriend/wife.

All I can tell you is you need to let your son speak for himself. Bite your tongue and let them figure it out. Even though your son tells you how he feels, it doesn't mean he is going to admit it to his father. He's not going to tell his father how he feels because he's afraid his father will go away again.

Get a visitation and custody order in place immediately...and watch your back. The new girls seem to push for these things and the ex's are easily convinced.

You didn't state how old your son is so I cannot be of further assistance.

Good luck.

I would try to stay out of it as much as possible - don't talk to your ex except for minor necessary things. Encourage your son's relationship with him and just be as positive and as strong as you can around your son to set a positive example. unfortunatley you can't control your ex and whatever he does negative, will just eventually cause your son to resent him in the long run, so just let him ruin himself or wake up on his own. Its hard but he IS the father. Its not worth the reasoning from your end b/c its just going to lead to more fighting and your ex is clearly not reasonable. How old is your son? Hopefully he can make some sense of it all and not grow up with to many issues from any of this. I would just have to be strong, loving, supportive and so on and hope that good over rules bad and that by not participating in the endless cycle of negativity you are already changing it for your son! You may have to just try to explain to your son WHY his father is acting that way - empathize - ughhh, soooo hard, but at least if you are empathizing and explaining the negative feelings and the negative actions possibly associated with it your son will grow to understand and learn how NOT to handle hurt feeling, anger, etc...teach him from it - without saying anything bad about your ex...I think empathy is the only word to describe it. Then when your son is with him or you have some time to yourself - go out for some drinks with girlfriends and TRASH the S.O.B like he deserves! LOL! Hang in there. Good luck and remember - you have control over yourself - use it wisely!

I don't think that it's right for a man to choose when and how often he wants to be around his son. I think that an inconsistent presence can be more damaging than none at all, because it sets up a air of unpredictability and uncertainty in the child, and that can greatly damage a child's self-esteem - especially in their formative years.

I would recommend that you go to court and establish a court order on visitation rights. Get a good lawyer that will work in your best interests and not settle for a simple 1/2 mom 1/2 dad deal. Prepare to document how you've supported your son alone for the past several years, and hopefully the judge will grant you more custody time and the day relatively less.

As much as it is the pricey option, I would call a lawyer and have the custody papers revisited. The only thing that may work is a set of clear parameters imposed by someone else.

I'm sorry you are going through this right now. Make sure to talk with your son about the fact that he does matter and that the grown-ups are going to try and figure it out.

He is the help I can offer to you.

Get an attorney and go to court and let the court determine the visitation and support payments too. It is important in a hostile situation to let a third party manage the relationship. The court is your valuable resource.

Your son is learning so much. He is learning from his father how a man treats a woman and learning from you how a woman treats a man. Teach your son by your example that you aren't going to permit anyone to be disrespectful to you. This is important because someday your son isn't going to be small but will become a teenager. It is important for him to see you set healthy boundaries and limitations for yourself.

When his father is disrespectful you insist he not talk to you that way and remove yourself and your son from contact with him. If he calls and is disrespectful ask him to speak to you respectfully or this conversation can not continue.

Your son also needs to learn how to deal with difficult men. He is going to grow into a man someday and needs to learn how to handle different kinds of men.

Be encouranging to your son. He needs a relationship with his father as long as that relationship is not abusive. I was a single parent for fourteen years and my son would not stand by an let anyone speak disrespectfully to me but that is part of his nature and how I nutured him.

You be the best mother you can be but DON'T put down or say anything bad about his father because his father is a part of him too. Focus on the good things in his father and this will help your son deal with his situation. Find the good no matter what, it will help.

It may be more expedient for you not to have his father around but that is damaging your son's self esteem and self worth. A negative sense of self or low self esteem can but your son in an even more dangerous position in the world. You may want to consider finding some other men to come alongside your son to help build him up into the kind of man you want him to become. Perhaps the boy scouts, Big Brothers or some other group where men an boys develop positive relationships will help counter act the ex and help with self esteem.

Let the ex talk to your son but you may want to keep those calls on a land line so you can record them. You may need to hear what the ex is saying. Words can hurt worse than a fist because they can be replayed over and over again in the mind.

Consentrate on getting your son and yourself healthy emotionally and mentally. You both can be stronger and better inspite of the ex.

your son is old enough to make this decision...may need to come from a judge and a court order.

Depending on your son's age, maybe if u get him his own cell phone, you won't need to talk to ur ex. Also find a mutual place to have him p.u. your son for visits, or just don't come to the door when ur son is being pick'd up, let him go out the door on his own, avoid contact with ur ex, but do not try to prevent him from seeing his dad, unless the dad is being abusive to him. In time your son will realize that his dad is verbally abusive & might cut off ties on his own.

Mrs. Flores