Thank You Notes at Party - Tacky or Not?

Hello!
I dont think it's "tacky" but I wouldnt ever put a thank you in the goodie bag. I think they should be mailed or hand delivered mentioning the gift that was given. I am a BIG thank you person though.
I, too wonder about opening gifts at the party. My son will be 1 in November & we have a HUGE family. I think gift opening will take up 2/3 of the party. I am interested to read what others wrote. I know that when I go to parties, it doesnt bother me if the gifts arent opened while the guests are still there.
Hope this helps!
H.

Anymore people are getting pretty lax on etiquite (which I think is sad) so if you are a super busy mom OR you invited a lot of people to the party the notes (to me) are ok. The only problem I see in this scenario is what if the child didn't bring a gift??

I think the point of a thank you note is a personal, heartfelt thank you. Teaching your kids to write thank you notes (even if you are doing it for your preschooler at this point) is an invaluable tool and starting early is the best way to make it a habit. Modeling this behavior by having your child draw a picture on the card and telling them why you are writing is how you teach them to do this on their own as they grow. In this age of technology, a handwritten note is even more special. My oldest child just turned 10 and she had her birthday while we were on vacation. However, the first day home from vacation, she asked me to help her find the addresses she needed because she had to write her thank yous for her birthday gifts... I didn't even need to remind her because she has written thank yous for so many things over the years. Don't you like to receive a genuine thank you as opposed to a "form letter"?

I don't think it makes a difference if they open gifts at the party or not - teaching your kids this skill is worth the pain of writing it for and with them.

All I have to say is "ugh!" Tacky.

Little children & old need to sit down with their parents as an "event" and write thank you cards for any & all gifts they receive -- birthday; Christmas -- you name it. We are raising a generation of "ingrates."

Seriously, I don't think I am too harsh on this appraisal. We have children who expect a lot out of life without giving forth too much effort. If you want to have a big party with lots & lots of friends, you need to take the time after the party to reflect and write a thank you card for each individual who took the time & thought so much of you to attend your party.

When we try to expedite or rush through social customs, it feels exactly as your gut reaction told you "tacky." I do not want to spend the time to address each note, so here's your thank you card.

The nicest cards I have received were individualized messages, but that's going above & beyond the call of duty now days.

About opening gifts at parties -- in the north -- it isn't the custom. Sometimes it can turn the party into a "materialistic" frenzy with the children wanting a present they see or wanting to open or play with the birthday child's present. Plus, it is BORING to children (and adults except for maybe grandparents who buy the bulk of the gifts).

However, if gifts were open at a later date (as when brides & grooms marry), and a specific thank you card is sent -- I think that takes care of one wanting to know how the child likes the gift and so forth.

But I've been to parties when the gifts were open & when the gifts weren't...........boring or not -- the hostess rules & it is another way to show public gratitude -- so I can understand it.

I do think the microwave thank you notes are exactly what they seem like -- hurried & unthoughtful.....but better than no thank you card.

I don't like the note at the party bit... it seems a bit presumptuous. I agree with so many others that the note should be delivered in some capacity at a later date. I took a picture of my 2 year old last year holding a hand-made sign that said "Thank-You" and enclosed it with a quick note that I jotted. That way he got to participate in some capacity.

I am also for keeping presents for later. We did that last year and will do so again this year. My son (who will be 3 in a couple of weeks) doesn't understand why he has to sit still & watch others open up these really cool gadgets... and on top of that, he's not supposed to touch??? Maybe we'll re-evaluate that when he's older & the majority of the children at the party are older as well.

I think this year I will actually take a picture of him with each individual gift & enclose it with our thank-you note. Getting pictures printed cost next to nothing & it adds a personal touch. At least until they are able to help personalize the note in some way.

With all of that said, you have to do what suits you & your family best! Good luck!!

--P. M.

Here's my thoughts on the situation:
First of all kids should be taught to be gracious and thankful for the gift they receive, but at the same time, it is unreasonable to expect a 2-even 4 year old to really sit down and write anything so it's the mom who is actually doing the thank yous here. At this age, you are teaching them what to say, and how to behave, not how to write.

Whether to open the gifts at a party or not, is really up to the hostess. At some larger parties, I think it takes up way too much time and can be overwhelming for all the kids involved, so opening them later would be ideal. But in this situation, I think it is imperative to write out thank you notes acknowledging the gift. I've been to two parties like this where I got no note or anything, and felt a bit irritatated (and I don't offend easily). I mean, did they get it? Do they know it's from me? At least send me an email or call me...When my son turned 1 and 2, I wrote out thank yous like he was writing them himself.
At his 3 year old party however, he was old enough to open his own gifts and we thanked everyone in person at the party. I followed it up with emails to each of the parents (though intended to write notes that I was never able to find). I actually felt bad about this, since I was taught to always write a thank you note to whomever give me a gift whether i thank them in person or not...but i digress. :)
Anyways, I think the idea of a "thank you for coming card" is great, but "thank you for the gift that we don't even know what it is and are writing this so we don't have to do this later" is a bit tacky. I do however, love the idea of making the cards ahead of time with the picture of the child (who is too young to write their own thank you card) and putting the name and gift as they open it.
It all boils down to the fact that you want to let the person know that gave the gift that you(and your child) is thankful for it, and to do that a bit of thought and time needs to be involved.

Good Saturday Morning!

I, being 55 remember when you went to a party, took your gift, played some games, ate cake & Ice Cream and went home...no goody bag...sooooo that said a goody bag AND a Thank You note are a pretty good deal. You didn't say IF the child wrote/signed the note though, THAT would be where Miss Manners would pop in!

I am raising three Grans, had four girls and alot has changed with parties, my girlz gave out little gifts depending on the 'theme' of their party...Now, the 'Goody Bags' are a 'MUST' for parties at home but not for when we take the kidz for the party to a 'location' party wherein the party place has little gift bags or a token for each party goer.

So saying all this, I think a Thank You note is ALWAYS a lovely thing to receive.

WE ALWAYS unwrap gifts in front of EVERYONE, we think that is the BEST so all can do the OHHHHHH-AHHHHHHH and the 'OPEN MINE, OPEN MINE!!!' thing...That one thing I haven't changed.

A.

Personally I never really cared what miss manners thought..lol I am from a pretty laid back huge southern family. We never sent out invitations or anything, just word of mouth. The family telegraph kind of thing. Everyone knew they were welcome even if they did not get a personal invite or call. When we had my baby shower for our first son we of course sent out invites, but we made bottles of water with thank you notes that were printed onto labels and stuck to them. Then we had a few of the young girls hand them out. I think a gift bag with a thank you built into it is a great idea. We have enough to do. We our not like the mommys of old who did not have to work or anything and had the time to sit around and fill out thank you notes for hours. we are busy busy mommas!! And if I got a thank you not that way I would be impressed that you had the time to create the gift bags! LOL
T.

I love the idea of the thank you note in the goodie bag, but I hate goodie bags.

As for the thank you's - It should be fine to do, but another option is to have each parent fill out the thank you envelope with name and address. That way you can send them out in a personal manner without having to look up the addresses.

To open or not to open presents at the party - this is something you have to measure by time and behavior. If there is adequate time and if the birthday child is displaying appropriate behavior, then yes, open at the party. However, if you are pressed for time and if the birthday child is acting spoiled and whiney, I would definately not reward him/her with opening gifts. I would simply state to the guests, "since little Johnny is acting in an inappropriate behavior right now, I believe it would be best to postpone the gifts until he can display better behavior, Is that ok with all of you?"
If someone insists on their gift being opened, I would ask them to take Johnny in another room and allow him to open it one on one and let him know that he will be able to play with it later when his mom/dad says so.

Take Care,
T.

While it's not as personal as thanking you for the specific gift you gave, it's still a thank you note and personally, I think it's wonderful that they did them at all (so many don't). And I think it's brilliant to do it BEFOREHAND! Congrats to that Mom who thought ahead! One less thing to follow up on. Miss Manners may not agree, but I say lighten up and considered yourself thanked. :)

K.

I like the idea especially if the presents are open after the party.
If the presents are opened at the party then the child is able to thank the people in person. So I would think a thank you for that wouldn't be a big thing if missed.

That is just me though.

It's a pet peeve of mine when the presents are not opened at the party. There is not usually a very good excuse not to. I usually request that the present we brought is opened before we leave. We take great care in selecting the gift and I think it is rude not to open them and thank the giver right away. If the child is young, then the parents should still help open the gifts and thank the givers. I also think giving a generic thank you card AT the party is horrible! Yes, it's better than no thank you card at all, but I equate it with telling my older kids to tell me thank you for something-- if I take my kids out somewhere and they thank me on their own it means something totally different than if I say, "Well, aren't you going to say thank you?" and then they say it. It's the same thing here. Parents should take the time to thank each person individually for the gift they selected for your child and send it in the mail after the party. Did they send the invitations in the mail to begin with? If so, they have your address. If they don't have your address, a simple phone call to get your address or even to call and personally thank you is easy. I had a friend recently tell me she doesn't "do" thank you notes. What a shame. That's like saying you don't tell people you're sorry as a blanket excuse to not have to do something that takes time and effort. I'm teaching my kids what my mom taught me (and her mom before her) and I will NOT let my kids water down their manners.

M.,
I think it is fine to give the thank-you cards at the party. Perhaps, you got busy and forgot to send them, or someone in attendance moved. Thank yous are a way of showing your appreciation for kind deeds from those who care about you.

It would be totally tacky not to say thank you, or give a thank you card at all. It seems to me that having the thank you cards there to take home would be a way of showing not only gratitude, but that you took care of business and covered all bases, very well prepared. Others may think differently, but the only thing that matters is what you think.

Best wishes to a great party planner!!

J. H.

M., your thoughts on this are right. Thank you notes should not be in the form of "Oh well, it's better than nothing." These were all about convenience (save me a lot of work) and cost (not having to mail notes). Thanking someone for attending is fine, but to thank someone for a "lovely gift" beforehand is presumptuous. Plus, the child probably learned nothing from this.

At 3, it would be appropriate to sit down after the party and talk about the "people" part of the party. While looking at pictures, you could say how nice it was that they came, the fun they had, time they shared, and the gift they gave (if they did). Of course, a three-year-old is not going to participate in note writing, but with help, the birthday boy could draw a picture of his happy face to include in Mom's note!

Not opening presents at the party is a new one on this old mom. If it is because the child would be overwhelmed, perhaps the number of guests relative to the age of the child needs to be reconsidered. There are some notes about children's birthday parties on <www.clubmaw.com&gt; in "Your Guest Room" under Simple Hospitality and Children's Birthday Parties.

I think you're a wise and discerning mom, M.!

I have no problem opening presents after the party if the child is very young (4 and younger) and if a lot of people were invited. It's overwhelming for a young child to open that much.
I don't really like the idea of a pre-done thank you card though. How about pre-doing the thank you and then sending them out rather than giving them out at the party? That way no one knows they were predone.
I think the combo of not opening my gift and then not getting a personalized thank you would bother me. I want one or the other.

When my daughter turned one and two, we made really cute cards ( 6 per sheet of card stock) and made a little frame area for her picture and the other side said, Thank you ____
for coming to my birthday party and thank you so much for the ________. My mom sat aside and after each gift was opened, she filled in the blanks, we then attached each car to a little goody bag. People raved about how cute they were and to this day ( she's almost 3) I still see her picture and thank you note on her friend's fridge's when we visit. I know if I had to mail out thank you's I would never get them done, and when i recieve them, which isn't very often anymore, i often feel bad that the person felt they needed to do all that extra work. Evite is a great way to invite people to events now, it's all email, and you can make it custom with pictures of your child, and it send reminders, has maps, rsvp reminders for you AND thank you notes. since the original invite is email, it isn't tacky to follow up with thank you emails.

It's just a little less individual. It would also a great learning exp for your son if he helped with the cards, even if he just colors in them or tries to write his name. It would be a lot of work, but worth it in the end.

Hi M.,
Part of having a child open the gifts at the party is part of the fun for the child and a teaching time whereby he/she can learn to show appreciation openly and thank the person verbally or perhaps even with a hug. What a special time for the giver and the receiver.
What would Miss Manners say? From my many years of living, I remember one thing about ettiquete that stands out more than all others. So, if you don't have a way to look up the official answer, this one will go a long way toward doing things correctly. It is this. Manners is about appreciation and making those around you feel comfortable and important.

I think that at least by age 4, the kids should be opening the gifts at the party (at least the ones given by the guests that attend). This is an important learning opportunity for both the birthday child and for the little guests. My kids need to learn that everything isn't about THEM... and how to be gracious, accept thank-yous, etc, besides... they want to see the birthday kid open their present! They sometimes are excited for days in anticipation of seeing the kid's reaction to their gift. I think, maybe it's just me, but it seems like anymore, we parents are so worried about how "PC" things are! Our kids can handle it! This is HOW they LEARN to handle it... what happens when they are 20, if we don't start teaching them thru practice? I mean, when WE were kids, there was no such thing as a "goody bag". Today, it's a faux pas if you don't do them! It's expected as much as having a cake!

As for the notes in the bags. Well, if they just say "Thank you for coming" that's fine. But a follow up note is would be order for the actual gift. I was always taught that the proper way to say thank you includes mentioning the item received specifically ("the great shoes", or "the cool yo-yo" or whatever). However, I also was taught that if you open the gift in front of the giver (and say appropriate thank-yous at THAT time) then a written note is unnecessary. It's nice, but not necessary. So, if you have your kid open the gifts at the party... the rest is moot. At least by the standards of someone like Emily Post... as for the local mom's club, I guess you would know those ladies and what they think better than me, Maybe it'd be a good topic of discussion at the next playdate?