Terrified 2Nd Baby over 40 - Brooksville,FL

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If you really don't want to remain pregnant, then don't. Terminate while you still can.
Giving a child a sibling is NOT a good reason to have a baby. There is no guarantee that they will be built-in buddies. My sister and I are three years apart, and growing up, we had nothing in common beyond a shared gene pool. The only good reason to have a baby is because YOU want a baby.

ETA:
8kidsdad: Whether a rose is a flower bush with thorns or a thorn bush with flowers depends entirely on whether or not you want to grow roses.

I had my first at 35, my second at 43. They are both boys almost 8 years apart. I had always wanted a second, and was told I was in early menopause at age 37 and would not be able to conceive without using donor eggs and IVF.
I decided to be happy with my one son and went on with my life after that devastating news.
Well, lo and behold, I ended up pregnant at age 43. Did not know until I was 22 weeks along! I freaked out, was in shock for a long time. Didn't want to go through the whole baby thing again, didn't want to be the oldest Mom at the playground, calculated how old I would be when this one graduated high school, would the boys ever be close, etc. I was too far along to have all the scary tests done and had to rely on sonograms to look for anything abnormal. That was one of my main fears, was he going to be ok? I also had to mourn the loss of our little family of three, that could just pick up and go and do whatever without worrying about diapers, nap schedules and such.
I am here to tell you that everything turned out ok for me. Little guy is now 3 and is truly a blessing. He makes us laugh and keeps our house on its toes! I can't imagine him not being here. he is so loving and smart, a joy to spend time with. I stay home with him and am treasuring every moment. His big brother is awesome with him. I love to watch them interact.
You need to take a deep breath. Talk to your husband. Talk to your doctor. Its ok to have these feelings, but you need to talk them out. I know you are scared, but only you can make the decision whether or not you think you can handle another child. I didn't know whether or not I could, but I know I wanted this child and trusted myself to be a Mom to a newborn again. My delivery was quick and natural(not what I planned, but hey, this baby had his own plan all along) the only complication I had was gestational diabetes which I was able to manage with diet.
Good luck to you and remember, sometimes the best gifts are the ones we didn't think we wanted in the first place.

Overpopulation is a myth. We have plenty of room for another baby in the world, and you most likely have room in your home.

You are a stay-at-home mom, which is a huge blessing. Try working full-time and having two kids. THAT would be something to panic about.

Your 3-year-old will grow up with a sibling, which is also a great blessing. And you will keep doing "younger" things for many years to come. Kids keep you young. They keep you moving. And trust me, at 50, I can say that 60 isn't "old." It's just an age. You'll be fine.

If you are seriously depressed about this, you need to speak to your doctor and find a therapist. And by the way, my good friend is 48 and has a 2-year-old and she is happy every day that this "surprise" happened. You will be happy down the road too. Your problems are tiny compared with some I know of. Think positive.

Please talk to your OB right away about your anxiety. I believe you are right that your pregnancy hormones are affecting your view on life. Ask your OB for the name of a therapist who is experienced with pregnancy and PPD (because I'm afraid that your anxiety now will turn into post-partum depression after your child is born).

Many women have babies after age 40. And many of us worry about how we are going to juggle everything. But to have so much anxiety that you are considering termination - after you intentionally decided to have another child - is not typical. Please talk to your doctor.

I had my dd at 44(almost 45). Its the best thing that ever happend to me. I only have one but I had no problems with the pregnancy and I am totally motivated to take care of myself.

I am 55 now and the physical demands get less as they get older. I'm a much better mom at this ripe age than I would have been younger. I got pregnant by surprise after years of infertility when I was younger.

Being older is such an asset...try not to take all the problems of the world on your shoulders. This baby probably came into your life for a reason. Take it one step at a time....don't over think every possible outcome. You are actually lucky to be a stay at home mom. Time passes very quickly....before you know it, they will both be in school and you will have quite a bit of time for yourself.

Omg, you need to stop it.

You have deliberately created a life because you want one. It will be FINE. You will be FINE. You MUST be fine, you're a mother.

You will love, protect, and guide this child with grace, same as your other child.

Sending you strength and clarity. And congratulations!

I'm 47 and just WISH I could've had one more under the wire. You are very fortunate. You will endure.

:)

My mother was over 40 when she had her last child and this was before pregnancy at that age was considered high risk. Her pregnancy and delivery were uneventful.

Have you had these feelings and questions and resolved this issues earlier in your life? If not, I suggest that they are feelings most of us have at some point In our lives. I could see how pregnancy with it's hormonal changes along with your age and not having dealt with these feelings and questions would bring them to the surface. Nows the time to embrace them and find meaning in your life. A counselor could help you figure them out.

Of course you can handle two children. I suggest that many mothers have this concern and find that they are able to handle two.

I was 50 when my daughter was 17. Not a problem. I found that I was more patient and confident than I would've been at a younger age. I'm now 72 and have had the care of my grandchildren, ages 10 and 13 for the past 5 days. Not a problem. My daughter also has a 6 month old and a 2 1/2 year old and I have more endurance than she does. I believe the older mother has certain advantages.

I would stop second guessing a decision you made and have started on implementing it. I understand that some abortions are necessary and suggest it is not in your case. See this as an opportunity for you to learn about yourself and expand your world. I would definitely get counseling before making such a huge decision.

Added after your added paragraph. I do not believe we all want to have the ideal situation. I suggest that we have no way of knowing what is the ideal situation. No one has a perfect life. Those who accept what becomes a part of there life comes closest to being happy with their life. A perfect life eludes all of us. What counts is how we respond to the life that happens to us.

You chose to start this life because it felt right. Now you're over thinking this decision and having second thoughts. I suggest we nearly always have second thoughts with the big decisions. Having a baby changes our life. Nothing Iis bigger than that; not even marriage. We can end a marriage but we can not send a child back. I suggest it's time to trust yourself. You made a reasonable decision to get pregnant. Now you have a different set of thoughts because it's happening now. It feels more real. It's normal to second guess. I suggest you remember why you wanted a second child and know you will be a good enough parent. Not perfect but good enough. As you said you will love this baby. Love is the most important part of being a parent. With love you will find a way to meet this baby's other needs just as you met your first baby's needs. Because you are questioning I suggest you have what it takes to be a good mother.

You sound panicky. One's brain doesn't work well in panic mode. The hormone thing sounds very likely, too.

No, I didn't have my children at 40. But my mother was a few weeks away from 40 when I was born, and my father was 42. I have a sister two years older. This was at a time when "experts" said even a woman of 30 was too old to have a baby.

When my mother was born, her mother was 44. Her father was in his mid-fifties. She said, "I was an accident." Ha! She was no accident. She influenced the lives of many people for good, and, believe me, that's no accident.

My niece had three growing daughters when she was pregnant with a fourth girl. She was in her forties. She and her husband have a preschooler, two high schoolers, and a college girl. They're good parents, and they're doing just as well as their children!

My faith teaches me that children are a gift from God, even on the bad days!

You will be able to handle raising two children. Millions of mothers have done it, some of them older than you are. My parents said that having their children late made them young. That's amazing, thinking about it, since we certainly weren't model kids. And they were very active into old age, unlike some of their peers who started going downhill at fifty. Meanwhile, did I suffer from having "old" parents? Only in that I can't guess other people's ages accurately. My friends' parents were twenty years younger than mine! It's not a serious handicap.

And yes, when I was about to graduate from college, my father was about to retire from business (with my mother doing that a year later). So what? They weren't upset about it. Neither was I.

Once your meet your new son or daughter, you're going to love that baby for him/herself, not for the designated function of being a sibling.

Do not take the counsel of your fears. Talk to your doctor about your hormones. Or (or and/or) call your local pro-life pregnancy center and talk to someone there. It's not just a service for poor, pregnant teens; they counsel with many panicky older mothers (and everybody in between).

You have two wonderful children now, whom you will love, once your body gets settled, and who do and will love you. You have the ability to raise them to be fine adults. And you'll be glad you did.

It's just the hormones talking. Trust me.
I remember when I was pregnant with my daughter in 2010, I was so anxious about the gulf oil spill down in the Gulf of Mexico. I literally was freaking out. I was sure it was going to poison the world that I was bringing my child into. Why would I want to bring a child into this toxic world? All these big questions just popped into my head randomly. My husband questioned my sanity during that time.
I look back on that now and realize how hormonal I was which was fueling some anxiety.
My mom had me at 41 (in the 70s!). When I was 5, she became a single mom. She always said I kept her young, and she is now a still very young almost 80 year old. Age is just a frame of mind. She will tell you that over and over.
If the anxiety is too much to handle, talk to your dr immediately. Don't do anything rash. It will all be fine.

I did not have a child in my 40s, but my mother did. She had me at 43. Like you, she already had a child. My sister was 8 when I was born, and it was full-blown sibling rivalry, but that's an age where something like that is BOUND to happen, whereas your son is young enough that he can bond with the baby and will be protective of him. My mom never looked her age and still doesn't. She's in her mid-70s and looks about 50. Just thought I should mention that due to your concerns about the age difference.

My father traveled for business a lot, so most of the year she was home alone all day and all night to do it all (she was a SAHM): take us to school, clean the house, cook, take us to doctor's appointments, do homework...my dad was not an involved father even when he was around, and he always expected a clean, orderly house and a home-cooked meal. She always had the spotless home and the elaborate meals while taking care of 2 kids (I can count on one hand the amount of times she called a sitter, and that's when she traveled to her country with my dad).

My point is, it CAN be done. If she can do it, so can you and no, Down's syndrome kids are not only exclusive to older moms, you see mothers in their 20s and 30s who had children with Down's syndrome as well.

As others have mentioned, pregnancy hormones CAN and WILL make you worry and react in a way you otherwise wouldn't. Speak to a counselor or a doctor about it. It seems you did not have these concerns before, or you would not have even considered getting pregnant, so this leads me to believe even more that these fears are part of the pregnancy hormones.

Well you are pregnant now and I assume you thought long and hard about this before you got pregnant. You do need to discuss this anxiety with your DR. Where is hubby in the picture? Did he want more children? Was this a joint decision?

I have a 19 yr old only child and I knew from the get go that my family was complete. I can't fathom the reasoning for getting pregnant only to supply a sibling for a child. You can't guarantee siblings will adore each other.

That said, my aunt had an oopsie with her 3rd child after 40 and he is one of a kind. Such a blessing and now is a Surgeon.

As for doing this all alone.... You knew from the start what your schedule is like. I would hope you have support from your hubby.

Best wishes and communicate your feelings to your husband and Dr.

Is a rose a bush with beautiful flowers that happens to have thorns? Or do you have a thorn bush that happens to have flowers? Have your baby and enjoy your gift from God. Its how you look at it. Your child will be like a rose bush . . . Beautiful flowers with an occasional thorn.

If you were having marital problems, would you ask someone with three divorces for advice on how to make your marriage better? I wouldn't.

Our last child was a "Surprise!!!". My wife and I are so glad we had him. He has been a joy to our entire family, but especially my wife and I. I invited a visitor to our church over to our home for dinner last night. He was a truck driver and I wouldn't want to be alone in a truck for all day Sunday. He told us his father was 51 when he was born. His mom was 48. He said his mom never considered abortion because she figured her pregnancy was a gift from God. He was her 5th child. He said she told him many times she was glad she had him.

Good luck to you and yours.

did you get pregnant accidentally?
pregnancy hormones are wacky, but i'm pretty concerned that someone 43 years old (who at this age still adds '.5'?????) is freaking out to this degree.
these are questions that intelligent mature people ask themselves before they decide to procreate. all of this seesawing is bad enough in dumb 17 year olds who haven't bothered to keep up with birth and disease control. it's alarming in someone who should have factored all this in already, and who is currently parenting.
as for your questions- yes, it does sounds as if it was a mistake. you're not mentally prepared. but now you need to woman up and deal.
no, your son doesn't really need a sibling. research supports the well-balanced and healthy psyches of singletons, in the absence of other factors. giving your child a sibling is a bad idea, but as above, too late now.
we do it because a) we're biologically conditioned to want to and b) 'we' don't think things through. 'we' ideally learn common sense as we move through life and top making impulsive decisions, or abdicating the decision-making process altogether.
c) we bring a life into the world because we are psychologically, spiritually and financially ready to do so. if that's not the case, and 'we' aren't smart enough to use birth control appropriately, we either proceed or terminate according to our own needs and beliefs.
you need to get a grip. go see a counselor if you need to. i am very worried at the prospect of you trying to parent one let alone two children while your grasp of reality and balance is this tenuous.
khairete
S.

I agree with the others--please talk to your doctor and consider a referral to a therapist. This doesn't sound like a typical reaction, 43 or not. I was in my 30s when both of my kids were born, but I have friends and family members who had babies in their 40s and have no regrets. My grandma was one of 12 and her baby sister was born when their mom was 45. That baby sister went on to play a big role in the family, providing lots of comfort to their mom even though she lived across the country, and is now a big comfort to my grandma (sibling #6) as the two of them are the last ones left. They talk on the phone every day. A friend of mine had her first and only at age 43 and couldn't be happier. My brother and his wife adopted a newborn when they were 45 and 41, respectively, and would gladly adopt another. People in their 40s do it all the time.

On another note, what do you mean you would be a SAHM "doing it all by myself?" I was a SAHM mom (now a WAHM to two teenagers) and my husband traveled a lot for work. I had moments when I felt like a single parent, but for the most part I had a lot of support from my husband and didn't feel like I was doing it "by myself." What does your husband think of your current feelings?

Best wishes!

Hi M.,
I am really sorry that you feel that way, it is sad, but please give this baby a second chance and give yourself a second chance. You will feel better and different in a while, just rest, talk to your husband, to your doctor, and take things easy.
I got married at the age of 35, and I had my first child at the age of 36, then the second one, at the age of 43...He is a blessing, both of them are! I enjoy them every single second even though parenting is not easy....
I didn't have any problem during the pregnancies, I was healthy, I had a nutritious diet, I walked (still do) every day and I visited my Ob/Gyn periodically; I felt tired, so I didn't push myself to do everything and accepted help from family and good friends but most of all, I felt happy. Even if you have not planned this pregnancy, think positively, and think that things always happen for a reason.
Children ARE a blessing; the more you feel well, and happy, the healthier and happier your kids will grow up and develop, from this very moment you will pass to them(both) every single feeling you are experiencing now; the opposite will occur also if you feel bad about yourself or your decisions, they will feel the same and grow up accordingly; you don't want that.
Take good care of yourself; rest and take all the support you have, and surround yourself with good and positive friends.
A.:)

This sounds VERY hormonal to me.

I'm 44, not pregnant, and feel hormonal. Lots of big life "questions" come up in your 40's.

I would pray about this if I were you, and talk to someone.

I'm not sure there is a big difference between being 60 with a 20 year old (your oldest) and 60 with a 17 year old. My grandmother had her 8th baby at 44. My MIL was born when her mom was 44.

Nobody here can tell you what you should do. If I were you I'd seek qualified counseling to help me find my own answers.

Good luck and hang in there.

Please find people to talk to, supportive people! You are suffering from anxiety. It likely has very little to do with your age and a lot to do with normal concerns about having a second child and all that comes with that. If you don't have supportive friends, family, medical practitioners, then ask around for a referral to a counselor, please.

I had my daughter at 41 (she has two older siblings) and wouldn't change it for the world! I am 52 and things are great.

You know that scene in the movie "Airplane" where everyone is waiting in line for their turn to shake and slap the flight attendant and say, "Calm down! Get a hold of yourself!" I'm pretty sure that's what we all want to do to you right now.

Yes, you are freaking out, and it is probably hormonal. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. You must be terrified. Please talk to your OB today and tell her how you are feeling. And hopefully you can private message one or two ladies on this board to get some reassurance. Good luck to you.

I had a baby almost a year ago at 41. She is the joy of our life.

I am fairly certain you are experiencing the normal fears of the first trimester. I don't know what's in those damn hormones, but I always question everything that first trimester. Just hang in there! Also, if you have any concerns about down syndrome, etc. take the Maternity21 test. You can take it at 10 weeks and it is diagnostic. Most insurance companies do not cover it, but they did an advertisement that said you won't pay more than $200. I was so relieved to know everything was OK at the early stages. it helped me with my fears.

I also want to add that during my second pregnancy, I too was in super questioning mode like you. We didn't do it during our first pregnancies because we really wanted a baby. You need to find that want again.

I will be honest, I am wreck tired. With three kids, I'm dragging, and I am a very young almost 42 year old. Most people think I'm 32. But this third baby is really one of the best thing I've every done. She is a pure joy! When you see the way this baby lights up everyone around you (including you), you will feel totally at peace.

And 43 isn't too old at all! That's old school talk. As long as you are capable, you are young enough ;-)

I had my first and only child at 40. Not a mistake at all - planned and wouldn't change it for the world. I also NEVER ever considered having a child earlier. That said - there is 100% no way in the world I would have another. My son does NOT need a sibling. Having a second child is for you (not for the world which is way overpopulated and not for your child). It is like getting a puppy for your dog. YOU will do all the work and your dog (first child) may or may not ever get along with the newbie. You do have an elevated risk of Down syndrome with this pregnancy (you did with the last too) - talk with your doctor and have a test. If you and your partner truly desire another child with all your hearts - have one. If not, then abortion is a good choice. If you have a child with Down syndrome - you will in fact be making your child to take over his/her care when you die/become unable to provide care. There is a real chance he or she would outlive you.

Major difference between 2 kids and 5. First one being that most of us have 2 hands and most of us do NOT have 5 hands (although I truly don't understand why we don't grow a new hand with each baby we have).

It sounds like you are overtired and possibly depressed. Your son won't know life any different whether he ends up being the oldest of two or an only child. Frankly, my son was 4.5 when I had our second and I wasn't sure it was the best for him but it was what my husband and I wanted...our second son is a major blessing.

As far as I am concerned, you already made your choice when you chose to become pregnant. Take care of yourself and your children. If your OB is treating you like a medical emergency waiting to happen, find a midwife who will not treat you like a senior citizen having a baby. Midwives are trained to handle pregnancy and if your first baby was a healthy pregnancy, you ought to be able to see one. BTW, Florida does license midwives!!!!

If you were able to get pregnant than you are not too old. I am 42.5 and considering another baby.

Food for thought: 3 year olds (I have one) don't understand time very well, my son confuses tomorrow, next week, next year. He thinks after nap is tomorrow. Don't bother your 3 year old with your pregnancy. He may not even notice. My oldest didn't notice until I was nearing 6 months. When you are 6-7 months along, find a sibling class for him to attend. They teach about being a "big sibling" and baby safety. My nearly 8 year old went to one two months before I had #2 and he still remembers it! He is still concerned about his brother's soft spot and choking hazards.

My second baby was much easier, I knew that it was okay if he cried while I took a shower, knew that it was okay if he had a bit of gas, didn't worry so much about all the things that are trauma with a first child. They all get their teeth despite uncomfortable teething and then later on they lose them and do it again as 2nd graders!

Pray about it - talk to your husband. Babies are such a blessing. You may not get that blessing again.

C.

My DH was 47 when DD was born. I would take a deep breath. I would not worry about how old you will be.

One of my good friends surprised me by saying that she had her second son when she was 42. I had no idea. I thought she was a lot younger. I think that you need to remember that kids are stress. Period. Being a parent is kind of being half crazy anyway but mostly in a good way. What will you regret more? A second child or not having a second child?

If you don't keep this pregnancy and it stresses you out to think of being pregnant, you should talk to your OB about permanent birth control.

If you are depressed, you need to address that. It can cloud your thinking. So can shock. Make no rash decisions. Really think about the possibilities and talk to your husband. He should get to weigh in, too.

I am pregnant with my 3rd child (C-section scheduled for next week) and I will be 45 in a month. My other 2 are ages 3 and almost 6. So I started late also. I have never viewed myself as 'older'. Maybe its because I don't look my age or something, I don't know. HAving kids into my 40's was not a big deal for me. I think your pregnancy hormones are getting the best of you. Don't worry about your age and just embrace the fact that you were able to conceive a child later in life.

We had our kids "late", after several years of infertility treatments, we got pregnant when I was 36, my hubby 38. Surprise daughter #2, I had at 38 & Surprise daughter #3, I was 40. Apparently, once the pipes started working, they REALLY worked! Yes, I was classified as an "Advanced Maternal Pregnancy", yes we had talks of what are we doing!!??, We will be 60 & 62 when the youngest graduates from HS! Talk with Hubby, it is doable, it's just a change from the life you thought you were going to have with just one child. Pregnancy hormones can fuel your fears & anxieties of the future, which is completely unpredictable.

I will say, it's a big change to go from 1, then 2 & then 3 kids in 4years! There were MANY days when I wondered what the HELL was I thinking? BUT they grow up! They have added so much joy to our lives & we really, really enjoy our "Surprises". Yes, we are OFTEN the oldest parents at the girl's school/sports events. Oh well! Our 14 yr old's BBF since Kinder's Mom was born the year I graduated from HS! I KNOW for a fact that my patience level in my early 40s--Peri-menopausal & all, was MUCH greater than if I'd had my kids in my 20s/30s.
After you & Hubby decide what the 2 of you want to do, find a counselor or maybe a support group so you don't feel so alone, regardless of the decision you two make. It's your life together that will be effected. Good Luck.

Hi,there i just wanna say any child is a blessing im
Almost 35 and im four months ppregnant with my 3rd my other two are 17&18 talking about a huge shock i was scared to face the birthing again and starting all over and i was having thoughts but i knew God wanted this for me are it would not happen...having a sibling is nice because one day when ur other child is grown and u and hubby pass away some day they have a sibling to have...just take a deep breath count ur blessings dont worry what others think....its your life:) you are stronger then u think....us women can handle alot...please consider the life of that little face :) if nothing else there is alot of women that cant have that blessing consider adoption. I cant tell u what to do but i feel u would have alot of regret with a abortion. Maybe get on a depression med to help with your hormones. Good luck hope all goes well :)