Terrible Three's???

I totally disagree with a few of the people that have responded to you. Hitting a child in response to their hitting only tells the child that it's okay for YOU to be angry, but not for THEM to be angry. I think you're doing well by setting the time out boundaries, but I think you're letting him push the boundaries too far. If you recognize the fits when they start, you should immediately correct it. That might mean leaving the restaurant, going straight to time out, or even just giving him a big bear hug so that he can't hit you. Sometimes kids do these things for attention - he just wants to know that you still love him. I would also suggest counseling. He may have some anger problems that you're unaware of (possibly related to your new-found love, possibly related to your older children being exposed to abuse and displacing it onto him) and a counselor may be able to help him through it, as well as teach you ways to cope.

I would also suggest showing up at your childs daycare unannounced and surprise them. That way you can see what's really going on there. They're not likely to tell you anything unless your child is seriously hurt or hurting another child. They want to keep getting your money. If a child is getting beat on, they're likely to mimic that behavior, ecspecially at two and three years old. I was also wondering about the timing of this new man in your life. Has your child been acting out just since he came along? Your son could be jealous. Being the baby he probably had all your attention until your man came along. He could be reacting to that. Showing out is another way he can get your attention. You're going to have to find a way to discipline him, that works for you and your beliefs(spanking, time out, etc.). You have to nip this behavior in the bud now, or he'll run all over you, and make everyone around you miserable. I hope you find a solution that works for you. Good luck.

The good news is that 9 times out of 10 this is just a phase; he's testing his independence and his limits and you're the easiest test subject because he knows that no matter what he does you will still love him by the end of the day.
the bad news is that mental illnesses ARE genetic; if his father was bi-polar, depressed, OCD, ODD, or whatever he had that made him lash out on you chances are your son will have some type of disorder himself and it will start showing between now and about 5 or 6.
The good news is that if you catch a problem like this early you can get him the help he needs in time for it to make a real difference, whether it be intensive counseling, medication, special education, or all of the above....it will become more clear to you what he needs, if anything at all, over the next year or 2.
For now you sound like you're handling it the best way you can...be firm, be consistant and above all be supportive and loving. Hopefully he'll learn and accept his boundries over the next couple of months and you all will be just fine!
In case you're wondering where I get my info I work for a mental health rehab center for children and I pick up a lot watching the counselors in action.
Good luck to you and if you need anyother advice just message me...

Hey C., you might want to read the responses that were posted to Maria S on her 2 1/2 year old who's having the same problem, there was a lot of good advice and I think it would help you too. I would suggest gently slapping him on the hand or on the mouth when he spits, spanking when he hits, and then time out. Get the point across that certain behaviors are not tolerated! Try to ignore the bad behavior, reward good behavior, and communicate as much as you can in between. Good luck!
R.

First, I don't think there is a genetic thing with anger and abuse. That is something that is learned. Example: My grandfather physically and verbally abused my dad growing up. My dad never laid a hand on my sister or me like that -- but he kind of went the other direction and withholds a lot of emotions and has a problem opening up.

And yes, like Laura K. I was going to say that mental illnesses can be passed on in families, but even then with the right meds and therapy the person can learn/be taught the right way to act.

A lot of the anger is just from him being this particular age and not being able to verbalize. A lot of it is him trying to exert control over things, because as we all know toddlers are pretty much directed by parents, teachers, etc. They want to be soooo independent but they also crave rules and boundaries. Without them they feel lost and out of control.

What I have started doing with my 4yo DD is talking to her before we go on an outing and specifically stating how she must behave, and what will happen if she doesn't. Like, "Remember, in the restaurant we all have to sit in our chairs and use inside voices. If we get in there and you won't stay in your chair or get loud, we're going to go have a little talk in the bathroom. Understand?" That way she knows exactly how to act and exactly what will happen if she doesn't mind.

At home, I usually put her into this corner where nothing else is there but her. Lately, though, she has been really bucking going into that corner. Soooo, I have been taking priviledges away. So if she throws a fit or doesn't mind me, fine. No playing outside/drawing at your art table/TV - whatever is the biggest thing right then. After doing that a few times she knows I'm not playing around.

Most of all, just love him! I know sometimes I get busy and that's when DD shows out a little more. But if I remember to sit down and read or play w/her, even for 30 min., it's really interesting how things run smoothly!

Hey C.,

If you can (I don't see why you couldn't), take a couple of hours off from work or extend your lunch break and go to daycare where your son attends. Go to see for yourself how he interacts with the other kids and his caregivers. I wouldn't tell anyone I'm coming; I'd just show up without notice because everyone will be on their best behavior if they know beforehand you are coming.

When you get there, tell the caregivers NOT to tell your son you're there (unless, of course, he sees you come in) and watch him from afar. Either something is going on in that daycare and/or your son got his behavior passed down from his abusive father. In that case, here's my next advice...

I don't know if you're a spiritual person, but I am and I believe the abusive behavior your son is acting out came from the abusive spirit his father has, not anything genetic. Saying something is genetic is like saying that it's something you and your son can't help; it just the way he is, which is totally false. Generational curses like abuse can be broken and fixed if one person stands up for him/herself and receives help before the abuse keeps getting passed on through your family.

I've been in a similar situation with my family, so I developed a personal relationship with God and He helped me get my self esteem and self worth in order before I got with another abusive partner. You need to stop that cycle of abuse or generational curse because you don't want your son to act like that as he gets older and passes this on to his children.

Hopes this helps!