Terrible Attitude in 7 y.o.- Please Help!

My oldest went through this a little. One other thing in addition to what people have said is to point out good and bad behavior in their friends. For instance, she has a friend with a younger sister and this friend is so sweet to her younger sister. I'd point that out and say how people admire that. In contrast, another set of sisters fight constantly and the older one is a nasty kid and I point that out too and how horrible it looks and no one likes that etc. In general I will praise the kids who are polite and point out the kids who aren't and again, say how no one likes it. She will notice it too and realize how unattractive that behavior is. I think then she can see it in herself too. I also have used the silent treatment. A friend agrees it hits her kids harder than anything. The "disappointed" treatment. I think some of this is a phase and growing pains though. Try talking to her too when she's not in trouble. People have always said conversations while driving are good and I agree. That's often when we'd talk about these other kids and what kind of kids they want to be or don't want to be. Then you're not attacking her but giving her things to think about.

My seven year old boy has quite a bit of attitude these days. At home, I calmly ask him to go to his room until he can find a 'reasonable' voice. (Doesn't have to be friendly or cheerful, just not snotty.)

Sometimes, when he sounds bossy, I ask him "Would you like me to speak to you this way?" and usually get a no. I will then remind him that we need to treat others as we want to be treated.

I'm also consistent and firm about expectations. Before we watch tv, I ask "so, when this show is done, what are you going to do?" to help him remember that he's not to fuss. Yesterday that didn't go well in the morning and so he lost television privileges for the rest of the day.

There's also a lot to be said about flexibility. When my son misses out on something and he perceives it to be the fault of others, I don't offer second chances. Last night,though, he came to me and explained calmly that he was aware that he *had* made choices which resulted in him not using his time well; I did give him a few extra minutes, then, to finish up what he's doing. When he takes responsibility, even after the fact, I think it is SUPER important to acknowledge that. We are also actively acknowledging how much we enjoy the good attitude moments (not harping on the bad attitude, though), and the times when he really pays attention, which isn't easy for some kids.

I try to keep the message/expectations short and clear and not talk it to death. I find the more talking I do, the more negative behaviors I see. I deal with things in the moment, explain once and try to move on. Kids will continue to do the things which get them attention, even/esp. negative attention. So make your boundary with your daughter "I'll be ready to listen when you can use a reasonable voice" and then carry on with what you need to be doing. My guess is that some of this is also done for your reaction. Even when they get snotty, if you can remain calm and not get hooked in, so much the better. You can also address this later, when things are pleasant. "I noticed that you seemed really angry at me earlier. What was going on for you?" and she may be in a better place to look more critically at her own actions. "What do you think you needed? What do you think you could do next time?" are questions which might help her thought processes about her own actions, so she can consider the mistake and know how to correct it and what the other reasonable options are.

Lastly, I've been giving him a lot of friendly touches when he's engaged in things which are pleasing to him and which aren't a problem for me. This technique is called 'giving positive attention during neutral times' (when he's just doing something for his own joy of it). This means a squeeze on the shoulder, kiss on the head, tousling his hair, rubbing his back-- nonverbal attention to let him know that I value him even when he isn't doing anything to *please* me. It helps in curbing some of the negative attention-getting behaviors.

ETA: I should add, lest anyone think I am unrealistic in this approach-- there ARE times when I've had enough and will raise my voice and send him to his room. I just try really, really hard to pick those times for maximum impact and not make that the norm.

Children go through phases. Just remind her that we do not act like a smarty pants. When she responds rudly, tell her to f"ind a nicer way to say that. " Bring it to her attention you are "sure she did not mean to sound like that, so try it again." Then thank her when she corrects herself.

Part of this is her trying to separate herself a little bit from you and dad. She is trying to be a little more independent.

Give her a few more responsibilities. Explain it not as more chores but tell her you are noticing she is showing some more independence so you are going to start showing her how to do some "more grown up things she can do to help around the house". Teach her how to do some laundry. Start off with all of the towels.

Have her sit and write down the grocery list.

Teach her how to sew a button onto a shirt.

Give her a budget for dinner and then let her plan a meal and prepare it.

Gently remind her "We use our manners" (make sure all of you use them at all time. Thank you , please, I appreciate your help. I like how you set the table so nicely. I really appreciate your help.

She is testing. She is making sure you see , hear and still care about her. She may not realize it, but it is scary getting older.

It is a phase, it is very normal and it is actually very, very healthy and important! I know people tend to want to nip it in the bud and make sure they know who's in charge, but it's really, really important for them to test their boundaries, to learn how to think outside the box and to actually think for themselves and not just blindly follow authority.

My 8 year old son is testing his boundaries like crazy. He is driving me bananas. He keeps getting in trouble at school (mostly for talking or being silly, but each time it means he moves a color). He has served detention twice and will again tomorrow. He tests me at home. Oh my gosh, I feel like I'm losing my mind!!! Why is my kid being so difficult? Why can't he just behave!!!

We've had consequences. Tonight I plan to show my husband my ideas for newer, tough consequences. We've tried praise. We've tried rewards. We've tried reasoning with him. We've tried appealing to his sense of compassion. Ug!!!

We had a meeting with the principal the other day about our younger son (special needs), and we briefly talked about our 8 year old. Our very no-nonsense principal said, "Eh, I wouldn't worry about him. He's just immature. He's testing his boundaries, and in second grade the rules are tougher. He'll learn." She reminded me that he's a very bright kid and is doing well academically. She said she thinks he'll be a natural leader ... once he quits driving everyone crazy!

My point is, yes, you want to continue being consistent, setting limits, having consequences, correcting behavior, etc. But know that this is a natural part of development. It's good for kids to test the limits. They learn and grow from those experiences.

My daughter went through this last year, when she was 7 - the attitude that came from my sweet little girl would make my toes curl! I'm happy to say we've seen HUGE improvements in the last few months with her, but it hasn't been easy.

I started by explaining what I expected from her: polite manners, helping after being asked the first time (not the 20th), and there would be a zero-tolerance policy for rudeness - especially to her sisters. I then told her what the consequences would be: 1 warning, followed by a loss of privilege (ipod use, tv time, favourite toys, and grounding from friends/birthday parties).

It took several episodes of my daughter seriously testing her limits with me, and I pretty much took everything away except for food and shelter, but she eventually "got it" that I meant what I said and things improved. I'm not saying she's an angel - she's been a challenge from birth and I think always will be, but 9 times out of 10 I only have to give her the warning and she checks herself and you can see her deciding that losing her privileges aren't worth the fight.

Stay strong. Make her aware of your expectations and the resulting consequences of her disobeying you. Follow through. Every time. It will get better, but it will take time.

Good luck!

To teach my daughters empathy, every night we would read 2 short stories from the Chicken Soup for the Kids Soul book. The stories are very touching and I felt I really got to know my daughter from these conversations. (We did this first -third grade)

She's probably getting it from school. Both of my girls went through that around age 7-8. If, for instance, they were to glare at me for stopping them from walking in front of a car, I'd get right down on their level, point out the car and let them know what was about to happen, and let them know I did not appreciate the attitude. Every time the attitude would come out, I'd call them on it. Every time. If my request for them to sort the laundry ended up in a huffy attitude, that would mean that not only could they sort the laundry, (huffing, crying, stomping their feet, or however) but they could also do an additional chore (cleaning up after the dog, unloading the dishwasher, etc). It took a little while for them to learn to live their lives without throwing attitude, but I'm happy to report that now, at ages 9 and 12, they help cheerfully and quickly, they thank adults for helping them not get run over by cars, and so on. ;)

As far as being good at sharing, by older daughter is still quite possessive over her stuff, with regard to her little sister touching or borrowing it. Not having had siblings myself, I am only guessing, but my sense is that when you've been an "only" for any period of time (as all oldest children have been), and then some little interloper comes into the picture, it's probably normal for them not to want to share their stuff with the younger sibling. The younger siblings, on the other hand, have never really had stuff that's only theirs, so they are naturally a little better at sharing. Of course, personality comes into it, too, but at least in our house, I don't force my older daughter to share her things with her sister. She has her own room, and she is allowed to decide who can come into it and who can't. My younger daughter couldn't care less if anyone else plays with her stuff, goes into her room when she's not there, etc.

I do not like it when parents use reading as a punishment/last resort/timeout. If you want your kids to enjoy reading you do not send them to their room to read until bed because they are refusing to comply with chores, request, or have an attitude. That is a quick way to turn them off to reading.

Find her currency, be it games on the computer, playing with friends, a favorite toy, going on special outings, whatever. When she displays an attitude, or refuses to comply, them remove one of her currencies. This may have more of an effect than anything else.

Also, do continue to consistently call her on her behavior, and be sure to model the behavior you want to se in her. However, do not compare her to her sister, as in "Your sister acts right, why can't you?" This will cause more harm than good.

Good luck.

I didn't punish for attitude as long as the job got done. My kid could grumble all she wanted while cleaning the cat boxes, complaining the whole time about how she hated doing it. I required that she clean them, not that she do it with a smile and pretend to enjoy it.

I think many of us are in the same boat! My 8-yr old boy is exactly the same as you describe above. The 6-yr old however, is the kindest, most sharing kid ever.

The only advice I have is to be consistent in pointing out the inappropriate behavior or attitude. My husband and I do not let him get away with those things. We do back off slightly if he's tired or hungry. We also try to demonstrate thoughtful behavior. For example, we often invite a single mom and kids for dinner, or we just delivered dinner to a family whose Mom was in the hospital. Most importantly, I point out his good behavior and try to reward it. Not with stuff, but hugs, thanks and more one-on-one time or special privileges.

Parents magazine had an article about gratitude that was ok. Might want to check it out.

If it's any consolation, I was having a similar conversation with two of my favorite parents (you know, the ones whose kids you actually want to invite over). Both explained that their oldest child was often "mean" and terrible to the younger siblings. And that they were the kids with bad attitudes. Knowing that others are in the same boat was helpful to me. Just be consistent, demonstrate good behavior, recognize hers and hopefully this too shall pass! Good luck!

And thanks for posting this question, I'm interested to see what advice others have.

Try a marble reward jar--my son's therapist recommended it and it seemed too easy, but it worked and continues to work. I hand out marbles for all sorts of stuff--getting the mail from the mailbox, helping little brother with something, reading for fifteen minutes. I have all sorts of rewards for the kids, ages 7 and 5. But the thing they choose every time is a pack of gum! When the jar is full, they get a reward. It's so nice to be able to focus on the positive with them, and it gets results for me.

nervy and HoH, FTW!
khairete
S.

My oldest is 8, and if it's one thing I was super strict on from age 3 with maximum discipline it was disrespectful tone of any type to keep it from escalating. So far she absolutely gets it when she's snippy and I call her on it. I haven't had to enforce any discipline but 1) she has an easy nature and 2) I always crushed it immediately so the minute she tries to say something snide or act bratty to ME, HER MOM especially, BOOM, huge no no. All I have to do is give her an amazed look and she checks herself.

Her little brother on the other hand, 6, had all the same early rules but he's more stubborn and spirited so he has needed a few discipline episodes for disrespect..so far he's not bad and will follow a warning, but it's definitely going to be tougher with him. And little sister, 5, was always the toughest, so we'll see. She's naturally ornery, but also really good at manipulating, so she KNOWS not to make her life difficult by being blatantly disrespectful. She KNOWS that is not allowed, but our challenges will be different going forward.

But bottom line, my kids are much less bratty than most of their friends I can honestly say. And they never treat me the way I see their bratty little friends trampling their parents. I do feel it's a product of our generation being easier on our kids than our parents were on us. Back in my day where I lived, rural Colorado among bikers and Air Force families, every kid would pretty much get a crack in the face on the spot for backtalk (and I've never done that btw but I would sting a butt if warnings to change the tude weren't headed). I didn't have any friends who would smart off to their parents except the rare "spoiled bad kid" and today it's pretty rampant. I do have a VERY STRICT extended family though with tons of cousins, and they do NOT act that way. Because the consequences are old school.

So. I say if you're somewhere in the middle between lenient and strict, get tougher and more immediate on the disrespect for a while. Maybe take away everything and let her earn it back by being kind for a whole week. When she slips up take something away again and/or give her some hard chores to do. Whatever would be EXTREMELY tough to your daughter since she doesn't care about privileges and time outs (I wouldn't care about time out either). Your kindness and generosity need to be privileges she earns. Don't get angry or hold grudges, but do enforce consistently. Otherwise it seems to get worse usually. I have several friends whose kids acted this way at 8, 9, 10 and now they're surly, nasty teens (to their PARENTS and they're nice to OTHER people!! ?) and the parents have absolutely no power at that point. So, yeah, too late to nip it, but definitely try to crush it before it's too late!

And then also increase good times and bonding with her on the flip side. Time to really become her good, loving friend. But NOT when she's being mean. that is NOT OK. And if she has no emotional intelligence maybe take her to volunteer and praise her when she does kind things for people..so much of kid's favorite shows today are vacuous and snotty. Let her watch and read things with nice hard-working kids in them...Little house on the Prairie...Take away the bratty shows.

Imo modeling has little to do with anything. Some of my sweetest, kindest friends have the worst kids. I'm a very nice respectful person, but I'm a ton of bricks for certain things. Kids unfortunately don't just naturally "copy" nice behavior. I mean sure, in the BIG picture, they get those things by adulthood, but kids push all those boundaries constantly. That's their job.

Mine just turned 8. It's unbelievable. Will watch for replies!

I don't really care if it's 'a phase' or not.
If you don't tolerate it, the phase should pass fairly quickly.

Adopt a policy of 'privileges are constantly earned by good/helpful behavior'.
If tv/computer (for non homework related purposes)/games/phone/etc is not earned - they get none.
It's that simple.
Their bedroom should have clothes, a few pieces of furniture, a clock and a lamp - nothing else.
If they are not cooperating then after homework and chores are completed, they can eat dinner and go read a book in their room until bedtime.

Our son is aware of the rules (he's almost 16) and I'm happy to say he's never tested us (so far) on whether we'll enforce the rules or not.
He knows we will and he has no doubts about it.
We get compliments all the time about how polite he is and what a great helper he is where ever he goes and younger kids look up to him quite a bit.

Reading is something that's always allowed to do.
It's not a punishment and they do not have to but they are always allowed to if they want to.