Terrible 3'S HELP!!!!!

i would start by getting these books "Hands Are Not for Hitting" and "I Can Share" and "Mouths Are Not for Biting" hug him when he's getting nutso...tell him u love him..i've never timed out..i use consequences..like i turn the tv off..no ice cream for desert..i don't swear much around my son so he hasn't picked that up but once i accidently said one when we were pulling out of Mc Donalds..(gag) and i said.."there's f-ing cheese on my burger" and he picked that word up...so when he said it a few times after i acted like.."Huh? what is that word? that's not a word" so he never used it again..
instead of getting mad i just acted like it was jibberish.
These boys need a lot of action at this age..i am always getting my son out of the house so he can play and see things ..oh and my new thing...this is great..i will invite my childless friends over..and they just love to play like crazy with him in the evening..then i can cook and do things and they have fun playing with him..i'm a single mom..so dad rarely comes by.
Tonight my friend came w/ her 2 sons..the boys all played and we cooked..i also go to the gym..even when i'm beat b/c they have a daycare..so i get a 2 hour break ..even if it means working my butt off..at least he's busy playing w/ kids and i can have some time to myself.
I say hug it out...read him those books..show him how to be more civil..it's tough..i feel like my son just bounces off the walls all the time..
kid has so much energy!

Ditto the "Your 3 Year Old" book. It's a book series on EACH age and describes what they are like at each age set. I recommend it all the time.

Next, give your boy positive reinforcement... for anything he does that makes him happy and proud... even if to you it is nothing. Kids thrive on positive genuine attention, and need it. When my daughter was that age and had tantrums, I'd just hold her on my lap, talk calmly to her, and give her my undivided attention.. and LET HER talk to me about anything and her feelings. Kids need this. They need to learn how to express themselves and KNOWING that their Parent is honestly listening to them. They need feedback about their thoughts...
I'd even ASK my daughter "why" she is mad. And I'd be surprised at her answers. To an adult it is not valid, but to a little child.. it is a big deal. And MANY times... it CAN be the Parent that is triggering some bad mood in a child. I apologize to my kids when this happens and when THEY enlighten ME on "why" they are being a certain way...then I praise them for being ABLE to express themselves to me and not being afraid to. And it teaches a child that they CAN talk to their Parents no matter what, and that they won't just be "scolded" or disregarded for it.
I even tell my kids "thank you for sharing your thoughts with me, I appreciate it..."

This is a developmental "phase" or it can become a continuing difficulty, if his needs are unmet or if he does not learn about "feelings" and how to express himself. BOYS NEED to learn how to express themselves, no matter what.
When my kids are upset, I tell them it's okay, even grown ups get upset... but we will TRY to learn how to cope. Teach him positive "coping skills" to deflate his pent up emotions.... AND teach him how to be a "team" and that you are ALL ONE... no matter what. When he is upset, try telling him "Help Mommy..." and then just sit with him, hold him, and tell him you love him and 'need' him because you love him.

The thing is he seems mega frustrated... and has unmet needs or does not know how to manage his emotions. ALL NORMAL for this age. It is "growing pains" for a child... and for the Adult. The trick, is in helping him transition through this age.... for which Time-out and will not work in the long term. Only temporarily or in desperation.

Also, when my daughter was that age, I taught her the word "compromise" and "empathy." It bode well for her and she understood.
You might also try and get him a plant to take care of or 1 little guppy fish. Something special and "his" that he can take care of, in his own way. It does not have to be "perfect" but just to the extent that he is capable of. Let him name it and talk to it... or when he is upset. I could help his overall moods and how others view him. It MIGHT just trigger something in himself that is beneficial. It does for my kids.

My daughter, has a little angel figurine. And she talks to it with ANYTHING she feels whether angry or happy... and tells her angel her dreams and hopes. It's a real positive outlet for a child... and helps to direct them. Of course with the Parent talking to them about it and sharing their thoughts as well.

I know it's not easy... but 3 years old is a HARD age... they are changing SO SO much at this age. Its really not easy for them. They are still a "baby" but yet are expected to 'behave' like a "big boy" and it can be a lot of pressure and stress upon a child. Just go at his pace...
And, they can feel our stress too.

Good luck and all the best...
Susan

Hi Amanda,
I haven't read all the replies so I'm not sure if I'm repeating anything, but I wanted to assure you that this is definitely a phase and it will pass. My daughter was a Wonderful 2 year old and then we had the Terrible 3's. I couldn't believe she was the same person. It's all part of their learning stages. I agree that it's important to kneel down (so you are at eye level with the child) when you are trying to tell them something important (including discipline). This way they are not learning by "fear" of the towering grown-up above them. Instead they can focus on you face-to-face (it really does make a difference). We forget how really little they are. In addition to positive reinforcement when they do good, and consequences when they do wrong, it is so very important to teach them the skills to handle things correctly. For example, with hitting... obviously we need to tell them it's wrong, and give a consequence so they learn that it's wrong, however they need to understand how to handle their frustration in other ways that are safe and acceptable. Otherwise, they will just fill up with the frustration and have no outlet. So teach him that when he feels mad and wants to hit, it's Not ok to hit people including himself or animals, but he can hit a pillow as much as he wants to get it out, or buy one of those blow up punching bags. Other options are to have him count to 10 or scream in a pillow. Likewise, it's Not ok to throw things that could hurt someone or break something, but it is OK to throw a basketball outside on the ground or in the hoop. Teach him that exercise and sports can help vent the anger (obviously you'll talk to him on a 3 year old level). As parents, it's our job to give them these skills so they not only learn right from wrong, but they learn how to take care of their emotions. Re bad words, when he says them, instead of immediately reprimanding, replace the word for him in a fun way - or tell him it's not ok to say that but he can say "this"... Instead of "S***", tell him to say "Shoot" or get creative "Sugar Salt Monster!" You'll probably even get him to laugh if you say it in a goofy voice and make it fun. This way he's learning and not just getting into trouble. Of course, if he continues to say the bad word after you've given him options, then it's time for the consequence and if time-outs aren't effective, find something that is (taking favorite toy away, computer privilege, etc).

Also, when he's ready for Preschool, don't worry if all of these things are not perfect. Preschool is about learning things like manners, sharing, dealing with frustration, behaving, social interaction, etc. which is more important than academics at this age. So when you are "Preschool" shopping, keep this in mind when you look into how they handle discipline, etc.

I hope this helps. I've been through it so I wanted to share my beliefs and what has worked for us. K.

Amanda,

First, this is actually developmental, and you may have had little or nothing to do with it. So get off your back, and get a copy of "Your 3 Year Old" and read it pronto! Your son is in a stage of disequillibrium and things may be a little wacky for a short time. Hang in there and pour on the non-judgmental understanding.

Also, get a copy of "How to Talk so Kids will Listen" by Elaine Mazlish. This book contains some extremely important tools that no parent should be without. Tools that will help you build a trusting relationship with your child that will last a lifetime.

Time outs and punishment will not bring back the "sweet polite little man" you used to know and love. This is a forward-traveling timeline of change you're on -- your little man is changing... and you just have to trust that it is for the better (it is, though it may take a little time and a few deep breathes to get you there.)

Every misbehavior is a symptom of a need that is unmet, or "missed." It is your challenge, every time he "miss" behaves, to determine what that need is, and then help him find some better ways to meet that need.

If I had to hazard a guess I would say your little guy has might be wanting more control over his life. Giving Time outs and punishment will not meet that need. Giving him more choices, and more of a sense of what his day will be looking like in advance of each event (rather than simply grabbing him up as you run for the door) would help him meet that need. I am putting a link to a blog I wrote pertaining to this here:

http://rivieraplayschool.blogspot.com/2009/03/note-about-...

Lots of Love,
Linda
www.RivieraPlaySchool.com

I'm not sure this will work and it will be hard but since all else has failed you might try ignoring him, when he misbehaves. I'm not sure it will work. Another thing that might work that is if you can reason with him. Put up a good behavior chart. Give him rewards for being good and take points away if he isn't. But he may be too young to understand this. Hope you'll get some good advice. Also check his diet that he isn't getting too much sugar. Sandy

Amanda, Take a deep breath and bend down to your son's eye level, in a firm voice tell him that behavior is not exceptalbe for him and then try to find something he really does not like and use that as a 5 mintue consequence. Or take something from him that he really does like.

Try, teaching him the definition of consequence = "when you do something GOOD you get some good.... when you do something Bad you get something bad" and follow through with rewarding him for good behavior and consequence when he does something bad.

You, be strong.

Hello Amanda... I have two boys - an almost 4 year old and a 2 year old. My older son picks up EVERYTHING - words and tone. We don't curse around here anymore after realizing these boys are sponges. During a Laker game my husband said the F word and once that happened, we picked NEW words to say. We would ignore my son when he would say bad words and so my hubby and I picked new words. After a few times saying "oh snickers" or "pickles" - he picked those words up. Their cute and fun to say so it didn't take much. Now... he uses them all the time. I'll hear him playing by himself and he'll say, "oh snickers." Good luck and hang in there!! :)

Hi,

I have a 3-1/2yr old and know exactly what you are going through. I'm sure you are very frustrated and low on patience, as we are. First we try to focus on her good behavior and reward that so she trys to do it more. We have stairs and if she isn't listening or misbehaving, we have her sit on the first step and set an egg timer for a few minutes. She needs to stay there until it rings. We call this "being excused" and we explain this as a time for her to calm down and think. When it's time for her to get up we discuss why she was excused and what she can do differently and what she thought about while she was sitting. We also always give her two choices to choose from. One that we want her to choose and one that's not so great. She will usually break down and choose what we want. We also don't use the words "punishment" or "in trouble". Instead, we use "consequences" and explain there are consequences to her actions and they can be positive or negative and she has control over choosing what consequence she wants and also over her body actions. We too take toys or cartoons away. Our daughter loves candy and as a consequence we sometimes have her take a piece from the bag and throw it in the trash.

Good luck!

I don't have boys, but I feel your pain... Don't forget to give yourself some time away from him, so you don't end up just hating him... remember to take care of you too...
As for him, eye contact can be key. remember to look him in the eye and try to relate to him 'I know you want a new toy. this is a really great toy. You can put it on your birthday wish list if you would like. We are not getting it today.' that sort of thing...
good luck
R.

my son did the same thing! only i know he learned a lot of the hitting from other kids in our old neighborhood!

Some VERY important things to remember for dealing with your childs behavior at this age are:

1. consistency, you probably already know this but keep it in mind as the most important thing, dont slack.

2. label his feelings for him, dont forget to let him know how to express his feelings, "im sorry you are upset (frustrated, sad, disappointed, etc.) i feel like that too (whatever happened in this situation)." this also helps him to calm down and think about how he isnt the only one who gets upset.

3. role play, its good for the kids and fun too! you would probably be the other child and you and your child can reenact whatever had just happened, "okay, i will be your friend and you be you." or " i will be you and you be your friend." then afterward ask him how it made him feel when he was treated like that. if hes anything like my son he will understand, if hes anything like my daughter then he will not care one bit how the other kid was feeling!

to each his own! and boys really will be boys. i had a mom actually look at me and say,"no, thats not not right." boy was she dumb, she obviously was never around very many kids. ive been around this age group pretty constantly for over ten years, ive seen and watched and observed this age group interact with each other and boys are really VERY different from girls when it comes to behavior.

good luck!

Hi Amanda, personally don't believe in the terible two's/three'I think this is an excuss that parents use to justify bad behavior. Children are either disciplined or non disciplined and thats that. I would make a chart for him with the behavior issues he has, and at the end of each day if he has made it through the day with out acting out put a sticker for that day, at the end of the week, if he has had a good week or even imprvment them reward him in some way. But you can't get on to him for bad words if you use them, I don't understand why any parent would have a potty mouth around their children especially a mother. Don't be a hypocrite mom, stop the potty mouth and your precious little guy will too. Sorry if I sounded harsh, I have a 3 year old in my daycare tha will flip his brothers off, use the F word, it's not cute and it is not acceptible. You need to start some firm discipline why he's still small, one day he may be bigger than you, what happens then? J.