Temper Tantrum Help

Talk to Pediatrician about sensory integration issues - could be too much overload for him to concentrate to get his shoes tied the way he wants (also issuews with how clothing feels). He could be looking for attention, or need to be taught how to calm himself down when he gets like that. Could also be a transition or control problem. He may not transistion from one task to another as fast as you expect him to. Or he may want to control who ties his shoes, what clothes he wears and when he goes out the door. Try to ask him about the situation when he is NOT in the middle of a tantrum. Kids have pretty good insights too.

He may have a sensory disorder. I would talk to a ped. and see if you could get an evaluation. I have three boys and they all have sensory issues. A Behavior Therapist and an Occupational Therapist could give you some ideas on how to help your son.

Haven't seen the other responses but have you discussed these outbursts with a pediatrician? And -- I hate to ask, but could there possibly be an issue with the sitter that you aren't aware of? Something is clearly bothering him that he can't articulate, and adding his fixation to things having to be a specific way, could OCD be a factor and if so why? This is an effect, crying for an hour is not a tantrum, unfortunately you have to look at everything and everyone to find the cause.

maybe you should try taking him to a developemental pediatrition.my son has some issues he is deaf and has sensory intergration and we thought he might have some autism aspects. he does not have autism but some times shows some qualities. if anything they can figure out maybe why. or if something is wrong. in my case. i don't get as mad at my son when i know something is causing the way he is acting. and they can help you deal with it. and if he is just going thourgh a stage then you will know. and hour seems like a long tantum and then the saying he can't stop crying. good luck

I cannot say that I know the demeanor of your child or if this tactic will work with him, but I had a similar situation with my daughter. She would have these melt downs, and really the bottom line was that she wasn't getting enough time with me. But to put an end to the crazy and outlandish tantrums, her doctor advised me to clap and cheer when she threw them. The encouragement was not what she wanted, so she would get angry, but eventually she would stop. The tantrums ended shortly after we tried this. I am not sure if this will help, but it certainly helped me tremendously.

C.,
Have you mentioned these to your pediatrician?? Sounds like something that needs addressed by a professional. Have you noticed anything in paticular that may trigger them? Something out of your routine? I'd try to keep track of what time these happen, circumstances around those times, foods he's eaten, etc.Keep a journal and see if you're missing something.
R.

C.,

You're not going to believe this, but my son is almost 4 and what you are explaining just started for us too. My son is very articulate, happy, great personality...but all of a sudden, when he doesn't get exactly what he wants (little stuff), he falls apart sobbing. He won't compromise, consider the consequences, etc. I could go on and on, but in short. I think it's 100% normal (especially since your son's behavior just started abruptly). I think it is just the cry for independence and autonomy! Our babies are just growing up!! :( Good luck!

One more thing....unless these behaviors have been going on for a long time, you don't have to worry about PPD/Autism. Age of onset for these disorders are like 2 years of age. If you are still concerned, talk to your doctor, but I think they will go away as quickly as they came!! :)

Dear C.,
I read all the replies so far, and I agree with all of them. Just to throw a wrench in, have you considered the possiblility there might be depression issues? As far back as I can possibly remember, as a very young child, I had times lying on the floor next to my bed crying uncontrollably, saying to my Mom, I just cant stop. I just turned 40 (arg!) and I still have depression issues. Just a thought, I wish I had gotten help decades ago, and no, I am not any meds, just see my councelor when I need to. I also took our son, not quite 3 at the time, to a child councelor when our daughter passed away, 3 sessions helped him more than I can ever put into words. Just wanted you to know. Best of Luck, God Bless, A.

Dear C., Here are a few reasons that your son may be throwing tantrums. One of the reasons is that he may feel that he gets attention when he is naughty. Maybe if you check on him when he is playing well with others or by himself, reinforce the situation by saying "I see that you are having a good time. I am sure that it makes you happy to have a nice time." Thus the positive reinforcement. When he is misbehaving, lower yourself to his height, telling him the consequences of his misbehaving, ie sitting on a chair, the corner, sitting on the steps, etc, sending him to his room may not be helpful because he may have many toys there. He may not respond to these consequences right away, so if he leaves the corner, chair, etc, keep repeatedly putting him back in the time out place. And if he gets up again, say nothing, and keep putting him back. It may take many times of doing this, but sooner or later, he may see what happens when he misbehaves. When he is behaving, or has done his chores (appropriate for his age), reward him with a star or sticker on his personal calendar where he can see it everyday, maybe the kitchen wall or refrigerator. I wish I had done this with my son. Life may have been much happier and calmer. God bless you and good luck!

My three-year old daughter does the same thing. We reasoned. I tried teaching breathing techniques. I hugged and cuddled and held until my back gave out. I was ready to tear out my hair!

Finally, I read a technique in "Making the terrible twos terrific" -- we tried it, then made our own adaptations, and it seems to be working.

First, when our daughter starts screaming, we take her to her room. We say "you can stay here until you stop screaming. When you're under control, you can come out." (The threat of closing the door was enough to keep her in, but you may need to close the door for your son.)

Not having her screams blasting in my ear from the next room really solved 90 percent of the problem for me!

It took a while and we nearly gave up -- going to her room seemed to make her scream more, but we reasoned that she's a smart kid, and she's making the choice, so she must need it in some way.

Just last week, she started telling me she needed to cry, and asking to go to her room. Usually, she's completely under control, and even talks cheerfully as I unlock the baby gate, then she goes up and fake-cries for a few minutes, then plays happily for about a half hour before she asks me to come up and get her. She's thrown a couple authentic tantrums.

When she comes down, she's cheerful and very proud of herself, talking about how she calmed herself down.

At first, she did this three or four times a day -- as if she wanted to test that she really could calm herself down. Now, the timing is getting predictable -- after she does her chores in the morning and when I ask her to eat something she doesn't like at dinner time. I think she really just needs time to regroup in the morning, but is trying to assert control at dinnertime. So in the morning, I let her to to the room. At dinner, I've started telling her she can go up, but she has to stay there until bedtime. She's chosen to stay and eat, reluctantly, but without tears.

Whatever path you choose, I would advise totally eliminating drama, sidestepping power struggles, presenting it as his choice, not as a punishment, and giving your son room to solve his own problems rather than trying to solve them for him. I am much happier and calmer now than I was 6 months ago -- and so is my daughter.

Now if we could just solve the potty problem and the eating problem, life would be bliss!!!! (or the kids would come up with something else to bedevil us with :-)

He's old enough to have a "discussion" about this. Have you tried talking to him when he's "happy"? WHY he cries, why he thinks he can't stop? Try some breathing exercises with him. That has helped some of our five year olds "drama" issues that she picks up at her mother's.

We also talk about what is appropriate behavior in dealing with situations and what the alternatives might be. Kids need to LEARN how to deal with situations. Reason many adults don't deal with them properly........they were never taught how.

C.,
Kathy's advice was just about perfect!
my daughter is 3 now, but i do joke about her thinking she's 25. she's always had an amazling large vocabulary for her age. she was fully communicating by 18 months, but because it's only the two of us, we do everything together and i talk to her a lot :) this means that she is ABLE to tell me what she wants, but would rather have a fit, i guess.
my babydoll was doing these tantrum things too for a little while. my mom said sometimes kids just go through stuff. and she was right. it only lasted a couple of months, but when it's so often and so stressful, it feels like forever. i have always tried to be on a routine with her, but i recently realized that maybe that's part of the problem. so now, i'm trying to keep her bedtime and dinner schedules, but somehow finding ways to break our routine that is EVERY night.
i think part of it, too, is the influence of older and younger kids at her sitter's house. she started "baby talk" which i never used with her, and when it came to fits, she was making all these whiney baby noises too. i let her know that if she wants something she has to ask for it like a big girl. if she didn't i ignored her until she quit with the fit.
i know, too, that i do need to find a way to give her some time in the mornings. i don't like mornings, and i haven't noticed her being all cheerful during that time either - not during the week anyway. she has no real concept of mommy getting an occurance if i'm one second late to work, and unfortunatly, sometimes i do have to throw her clothes on and dart out the door. (obviously i could get up earlier, but i have sleep problems).
so i suppose my advice is to use kathy's advice :) too, the weather is just starting to get spring-like. maybe cabin fever is playing a role on top of, perhaps, the schedules, routines, fatigue and just being a kid in an adult world. try to find a few mintues to dedicate soley to him - whether it's building with blocks, reading a book, or something small that he likes to do each day.
best of luck to you!

Hi C.!

You do not mention if there is anything else in his development that makes you wonder, so let me suggest that if there is anything eles that you have ever wondered was typical, then get him evaluated. What I mean by other things is, if he has issues with clothing, the texture of food, limits his food choices, lines up toys, is very neat and gets upset if someone moves his things, toe walks, smells things frequently, is overly attached to an object, uses language in odd ways, does not use proper eye contact, has trouble with peer interaction, speaks like a "lttle professor", has gross and/or fine motor weaknesses...and things along that line.

It may just be a phase or stong will, but if he "can't" manage to control himself, and he is not processing information for that long a period of time every day (you can't get through) then you should be looking for other signs that this is something that needs professional attention.

You are describing a child who is having real trouble with a particular time of day, but what stands out to me is that these are critical transitional times, so he may be having issues deeper than temper, he may be overwhelmed by the very act of changing gears, which could be a warning sign for you to have an evaluation. Children with issues related to rigidity can get help to feel better, it is as misserable for them as it is for you.

Good luck!
M.

this is a link to a couples site that has a "minisitry" for families:

http://www.nogreaterjoy.org/index.php?id=1

read the articles about discipline

Since your son only throws tantrums for you, I would guess it is an attention getting ploy; not conscious, but he has learned that when he has a tantrum he gets your undivided attention, so he has no reason not to throw a tantrum. You have to give him your attention when he is behaving well.

In the meantime, ignore his fits. If he can't stop crying that's okay. Give him a quiet, safe place to settle himself down.

Our oldest son was awful when he was 4. He could pitch a fit for the longest time! We sent him to his room. When he wouldn't stay there, we discovered why the previous owners had reversed the doorknobs on all the kids' bedrooms: you can lock them in! I know it sounds cruel, but it worked for us. We only had to do it a couple times; he cried himself to sleep, then woke up happier and we would settle whatever started the problem then.

Lots of times kids this age go from frustration to hysteria because they don't know how to soothe themselves. Once there, it is like a point of no return. I agree that these things seem to happen in response to transition from sleep to wake, school to home etc. and that giving him some quiet time in which to gather himself would probably be helpful. In the event of the tantrum that you just can't avoid, start teaching him some calming techniques. Take him to his room or the living room, dim the lights, play some soothing music, get down on his level, have him look you in the eyes and breathe with you. Long slow breaths in through his nose and out through his mouth. When he starts to say he can't stop ask him if he needs help. Walk him through it and until he gets the routine and it starts to work more quickly. As it does, start asking him earlier in the fit, "Do you need to calm down so you can tell me what you need?" Encourage him to make the choice of soothing himself and then using his words. By the end of all of this you should be able to tell him to go to his quiet spot and calm down. In my preschool class we set up a quiet center. Only one child was in at a time and we used it as an alternative to time out. In it we put a cd with calming music, a pillow and blanket, a stuffed animal, paper and crayons so the child could draw how they felt, a pounding toy made of golf tees and styrofoam covered in fabric with a plastic hammer, playdough, books with soft paintings in them, and a rainstick made out of a pringles can covered in contact paper filled with split peas. If a child was having a tantrum we calmly walked them to and offerred them time in the quite center. It helped alot and was a supportive way to encourage self soothing.

Once a child gets to that place where they know they can't reign themselves in, it is a scary and out of control experience which can further the tantrum. This might help him feel more in control.

Our daughter was also quite intense at times, and I was concerned that she would be unable to "turn off" a behavior or emotion. I taught her relaxation exercises, such as being tight and stiff like autumn leaf, then floppy and relaxed like spring leaf. Good bedtime exercises! I progressed to "Erase Your Face", where you wipe your hand down over your face lightly and have to create a new expression. Happy, sad, silly, scared, serious, anything DIFFERENT from what was there. She could create anything she wanted. Then repeat with another "Face", so that changing more than once is involved. She might go from crying to silly to crying, but then I could get her to finish with something else because now she was distracted into the game rather than into her frustrations. It does not deny their emotions, just brings distraction and control. Play it at other times than bedtime, like riding in the car, so it does not wind them up at the wrong time of day. This gives the child a way to practice emotions, and practice changing the emotions themselves. Self-Control is a wonderful skill! It empowers them! And it will make them less afraid of their own emotions, if they know that THEY can control THEMSELVES.

Good luck!!

Hi C.,
Just wondering if there are some underlying emotional issues that haven't been dealt with? Did something happen 6 weeks ago that he hasn't been able to deal with properly? Is there some issue of forgiveness, or something you or maybe even his sitter did that could have been misunderstood by him or hurt his feelings deeply? I suggest sitting down with him at a time when he's got his emotions under control (you might want to give him some advance notice that you want to have a serious talk with him at such-and-such a time) and ask him about how he's feeling and talk about how you're feeling. An apology works absolute wonders (i.e. I'm sorry that I've been making you feel ... I didn't realize you were hurt by that...) At the very least, reaffirm how you feel for him, letting him know that even though he's going through this tantrum stage, it doesn't affect how much you love him. He REALLY needs to know that. This WILL make a difference even if it doesn't stop the tantrums.
If things keep up or get worse, I agree with the others that you might want to think about getting some professional help.
Blessings to you,
J. B (31 year old mother of two - 6 yr girl and 2 yr boy - and wife of almost 7 years)

I recommend reading the book "Raising your Spirited Child". I was having trouble with my 6 yr old son and a friend recommended the book. His socks had to be on just right or he tore off his shoes, his waffle had to be cut on the lines or he wouldn't eat it, etc. One day he threw a fit when I picked him up from school as a surprise, so we could go shopping. After reading the book, I realized he needed a "schedule". Every morning, I reviewed the "schedule" with him and then he was fine. The book was so dead-on, I thought the author wrote it from my home! There's a chapter for helping the school deal with the child. I gave it to our principal to read (we were having problems with our 1st grade teacher at the time and she wasn't willing to help, just criticize.) Thankfully, he outgrew his little nuances - now I'm the one that needs the waffle cut on the lines! Best of luck - you'll make it through. My son is now almost 21 years old.

C.,

My son is 5, but is developmentally delayed, so he is more like 3 to 3 1/2 years old in his mind. He also has a trach so communication is a real problem for him as he has just started to speak, and can only say a few things.

About 3 weeks ago he started having the temper tantrums. He would throw himself on the floor, scream and cry etc. I am not one to put up with these sort of things. I told him simply, "No! You may not throw yourself on the floor." He then stomped his foot at me, and I said that's fine, you can stomp your foot but you may not throw yourself on the floor. He then sort of growled at me. Again I said that's fine,you can growl, but you may not throw yourself on the floor. When he continued to throw his fit, scream and cry and throw himself around, I made the bad boy chair. I told him that had to sit in the bad boy chair until he decided he wanted to behave properly. This worked, but I found that he was sitting in the bad boy chair pretty often at fist. I decided to stick to my guns; however, I was concerned about the sudden onset of these fits.

I went to the school and talked to the teacher, therapists, etc. I explained to them that I was concerned that perhaps it was something that I had done to create these new unfavorable behaviors.

It was explained to me that at this age (3 to 4 years old) children are actually learning who they are and along with this comes these strange behaviour outbursts. They told me that what my son was doing was completely normal, but that some children go through this time in an extreme manner. They told me that what I had done was right on track. I had not allowed the terrible behavior (throwing himself on the floor), but had given him other outlets (stomping his foot and growling). They told me that introducing the bad boy chair was also appropriate. This tells him that this is where you go until you can get yourself under control and show me what the problem really is. Now if he starts to cry, he will actually take himself over to the bad boy chair and sit there until he get's it under control, and then he'll come to me, grab my hand and show me what the problem is.

They told me that by allowing him to have his feelings is absolutely right, but not allowing him to use these behaviors in such a negative way is also right.

You feel mean and evil when you sit them in their bad boy chair or in their room, but what you are actually doing is letting them know that the feelings are ok, but the way they are dealing with it is not.

I don't know that this will help you; however, I thought that perhaps by knowing that this is a normal (more extreme) behavior might make you feel better.

Good Luck!

R.

Kids are smart; I should know I raised 3, my youngest is 17 now. Tell him ahead of time what is going to happen if he throws a fit again. Then, follow through. The best punishment, confine to his room for at least 3 hours. It works! It may take 2-3 times, but he will learn and he will quit having tantrums when he sees no one paying attention and he gets a punishment.

Hi C.,
I would talk to your pediatrician about this as they may have some insight and experience with this type of situation.
My children would all have what I call OCD days (obsessive-compulsive-disorder days - not that they are OCD, but had days where they just acted that way). It could be he is tired or just feeling like he needs or wants more time with you and your husband but doesn't know how to express it, and that is why it only seems to happen in the morning when you are all trying to get out the door. (Even though I am a SAHM we still have these issues). I would also ask him if anything has happened at school or daycare that is upsetting him. Again, at 3 he may not know why he is so emotional, but if you ask about things he might tell you something that will give you some insight. Perhaps someone is picking on him, or he was embarassed by something and afraid it will happen again. My heart goes out to all of you - it is so hard when they are too young to really understand or communicate their emotions or control them. One other thought, watch for food issues as well, for example does it happen only on mornings when he has a certain juice or food for breakfast? I know several children who have reactions to preservatives, food colorings, etc that are not typical "allergic" reactions like hives or vomitting. (Red food coloring in particular has effected several children I know.) Best wishes to you!

C.,
Has anything changed in your life when this started? Any emotional or pyhiscal stresses? Moving, changing schools, new sibling, divorce, death? Has anything changed in his diet? Like has he decreased his amount on milk? Juice? increased amount in meat that he eats? Has he tried any new types of foods in this time period?

I feel something has had to change in his life that he is stressed about. Now remember that his stresses are totally different from our types of stress. It could be as simple as... your evening routine has changed.... and he is not adjusting very well to it. Like he is used to you always reading to him before supper and all of a sudden you stop... for what ever reason... this is just an example.

Now I am not a doctor by all means. I have 2 boys plus a childcare provider myself and kids thr`ive off rountine. I have also taken several early childhood courses that would back this theroy up!

I hope you can find out what might be triggering his emotional breakdown in the evening.

My son did the same around the same age. He was about 3 and half and they lasted until about 4 to 4 and half years old. As he got older and was able to verbalize more what he was feeling we learned that he didn't like to be rushed in the morning, he wanted someone to sit at the table with him while he ate, and he's tired in the morning and would like some time to sit and cuddle on the couch with someone for a few minutes. When he has a bad day, a morning more rough than others, I would dress him myself and help him more. I TRY to rush less, but I'm not a morning person.
In the evenings it was often on days that he didn't get a nap. He does so much better when he gets his naps in. If he doesn't get a nap, he can get very grouchy. I would tell him to go to his room and lay in his bed until he felt he could talk to me without crying. Now, we have time to sit with his fav. blanket and watch some cartoons in order to transition from school to home. Let him relaxe and regroup.
A lot of it is wanting to be independent, I believe, and unable to fully do what they want to do. Some of it is them unable to deal or fully understand what they are feeling and unable to explain to us what htey are feeling.
If he can draw and explain pictures, he can maybe show you what could help him feel better. He may just need some "cry time" just time to get all those emotions that he has to hold in throughout the day. School/day care can be very trying to young ones. They don't get the one on one attention that they get at home, and they aren't as comfortable as they are at home, they tend to have higher expectations there also. Its like when you get in the car after a hard day at work and you have that time from work to school to regroup--he needs his own time, and has yet to learn how to truely change environments and situations.

Unfortunately trying to talking to him during a tantrum to see what is wrong is not going to work. Definately counseling. My 4 1/2 daughter is very picky about her clothes, hair, and just about everything. I giver her "choices." The night before preschool we will see what the weather is going to be like and pick out clothes. I usually take about 5 shirts and hold 2 up at a time and ask which one do you like better A or B, then she picks one and I put for example B back in her drawer. I get the next shirt and say ok, which one do you like now A or C? Our routine takes about 10 minutes. We even have gone to the store and picked out slip on shoes and even crocs, that wasy she doesn't get frustrated on how they are tied or that she hasn't learned to tie yet, she just slips them on. Some days she doesn't match, but it is for 2 hours at preschool and hse is 4..does it really matter? Is is worthher crying and spending an hour arguing with her? I have learned to pick my battles and let the rest go. I guess I have found that planning ahead so there are no surprises has worked out the best for me and Emily. Best Wishes.

I can't help much, but I wanted to say that IME it is VERY common for children to, um, behave less favorably when they are with their primary caregiver. He is closest to you, he knows you love him unconditionally no matter how he acts or feels. He feels safe expressing his emotions with you. That's why he does it with you, and not with others- he doesn't feel as safe with them.
I would go at it like this- try to figure out what's behind the meltdowns. Talk to him, put your concerns on the table, and let him put his concerns on the table. Then look for an agreeable solution- actually listen to what he suggests, because it might work out better than you'd originally think!
Would it cut down on some of the morning stress to let him sleep in his morning clothes? That way neither of you have to deal with clothes changing in the morning.
I also think it would probably be helpful (maybe not immediately, but in the long run) to talk to him about better ways to express himself. I tell my ds (3.5yo) that if he wants to find a solution to something, that talking to me about it is more effective than crying or whining (though it's important to let him know that his feelings are ok too). I might say something like "Talk to me, and we'll figure something out."

C.: I FEEL YOUR PAIN! I am so sad today due to the same issue, although mine has an extra element. My daughter is almost 5, throws tantrums in the middle of the night because she wants to get in our bed, wants us to lay with her, rub her back ... but it doesn't seem to be related to night mares. If she doesn't get what she wants in the middle of the night, the whole family pays for it. And we DON'T give in (unless she's ill or is having night terrors), so we all suffer. She demands to sleep in another room (even the guest room by herself)I can't sleep the rest of the night. I have gone almost every other night with almost no sleep. Makes me not such a nice mama! And she's sleep deprived, too, and then the tantrums happen again the day. This morning, I missed an appointment I had due to the I'm-not-getting-dressed tantrum. Ugh. I know I don't have good advice, but just know you aren't alone. We are reading the STRONG WILLED CHILD right now. I hope you get good advice and trust me, I'll be reading to see what others say!

http://www.imom.com/ispecialist/articles/index.php?id=95

I just had read that this morning and think everyone should - we all need anger management... ever see that movie? Who wants angry people around them?

We all need to recognize our problems and deal with them before they all get out of control.