My husband and I are pregnant. My daughter, from another marriage, is seven, and we are trying to figure out a good time to tell her. Do I need to tell my ex-husband that I am pregnant before I tell our daughter? We are civil to each other when it comes to co-parenting. I just don't know if it's disrespectful, him finding out from our daughter as opposed to me giving him a heads up. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!
C.,
CONGRATULATIONS!!
I would tell my daughter first, then when I drop her off at her dad's, I would say - We have some great news - Sally is going to be a big sister in August 2018!
Really simple. Use the KISS Method - Keep It Simple Silly!
Congratulations! I'd wait until you are ready for this to be general public information because you can't tell a 7 year old and then tell her to keep it quiet. So wait until you're really ready. If you have a lot of symptoms, then I think you may have to tell her sooner - it's not right for kids to think that, say, something terrible is wrong with Mommy who is throwing up all the time.
Kids should not find out from other adults, though, so if you've told anyone else who might inadvertently spills the beans or even say something within earshot when they don't realize she's listening, I'd tell her sooner.
I do think it's wise to tell your ex directly. Kids should not be in charge of delivering adult news, and you don't want him to be in a position of having to come up with a response. Also, if she doesn't tell him directly but starts asking all kinds of questions about where babies come from, and then he goes into some explanation, which she surprises him by saying, "Gee, that's not what Mommy and Stepdaddy said about their baby," it doesn't go well. Out of respect for him and for co-parenting, I'd tell him ahead of him seeing her and tell him briefly what vocabulary you used with her and any questions or comments she had if there was anything noteworthy. I'm a believer in not asking kids to do an adult's job, and making her responsible for informing him (which is what it would turn out to be, whether you intended it that way or not) isn't right. You don't have to discuss it with him - you can tell him by email or text if that's better, and just say you are letting him know ahead of her coming to visit him so he has a head's up. You can tell him before you tell her, or after, but it should not be when you are dropping her off or when she is there. There are adult conversations that occur without the child present, and this is one of them.
Many people will wait till 1st trimester is finished before making any announcements because most danger of miscarriage is over by then and it's not a wonderful feeling to say "We're pregnant" followed by news of a miscarriage.
Once you are sharing the news I think it's fine to tell your daughter - and prepare her for being a big sister (and no, she's not free baby sitting - not ever - not that you would do that) and then casually mention it to your ex when dropping off your daughter.
congratulations! how exciting!
We didn't tell anyone we were pregnant until about 15 weeks, we wanted to get through that 1st trimester hump.
Your daughter is seven years, not seven months. She will understand when you tell her. Then you tell your ex-husband. I like the idea of doing it when you drop her off at custody exchange. He doesn't need to know before her.
Added:
I like what Elena wrote. The part about telling your ex so that he's on same page so as not to confuse your child. That's what I would think would be the main reason to let him know.
As for when to tell her - we waited till we had the ultrasound photo. That way, we handed it over to the kids and they had something concrete to see and hold. It made it that more real for them and also we were over the hump.
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My friend just found out that her ex was getting married, through her child.
That was a little funny for my friend, just because she felt caught off guard in front of her child. But she quickly recovered.
In that case, what was odd - wasn't that her daughter had known before her, but that her known for so long. So I think tell your daughter, but then tell your ex not long after (while you drop her off next time).
I probably wouldn't tell my child I was pregnant until the second semester.
Your ex is your ex for a reason. He needs to know what is going on with your daughter, not what is going on in your marriage.
I wouldn't tell him first, I would tell your daughter. Then let her decide when to tell him.
Since your daughter is young, I'd tell her father first, and I'd tell him what you are telling her. For example, what words are you using, how much detail are you telling her, are you revealing (or will you know/reveal) the baby's gender to your daughter? Try to coordinate the language and explanation between you and your ex. That way one parent won't say "the stork is coming" and the other parent will get into a complex biological description. Or one won't use "in your mommy's tummy" and one won't say "there's a special place called a uterus", for example. Then tell your daughter whatever you decide, and let her know that her daddy knows and is happy for her to have a new brother or sister.
It's not so much out of respect for your ex, it's to prevent confusion in your daughter. It increases the likelihood that she'll feel reassured and comfortable.
you don't 'need' to do anything, really. every situation is unique and has its own parameters. there aren't any overarching rules for this.
i think your daughter has a bigger right to know than your ex. i don't see why it's 'disrespectful' to him to find out from your daughter. where is the disrespect?
i mean, if you're worried about it, you can tell her and then send him an email, right?
i'm not sure i see a big dilemma here.
khairete
S.
