Hi Mamas,
Some background: I met my ex-husband in Africa, we got married, pregnant and moved back to U.S. He couldn't handle the pressure of staying at home with the baby and had some psychological issues (not surprising given the conditions he was raised in in Africa). He was abusive towards me (not our daughter) and refused counseling so we got divorced. He was cooperative, giving me full custody of our daughter and we were working things out relatively well. He had stayed home with her full time the first year of her life then saw her inconsistantly, averaging to once or twice a week for a couple hours. In July, he was arrested and is in the process of being deported.
I told my DD (3.5 yo) he went to Africa. I'm trying to keep a simple positive story about him and develop it as she grows. I'm struggling with what to say. This morning she asked why he went to Africa, why he can't come pick her up from school and why he doesn't take a train to come back. I told her he went back because his mother needed him there and he didn't have a choice. He wants to pick her up but he can't because he is too far away. He loves her and misses her. Any thoughts on dialogue I should have with her? She's struggling to figure it out and I'm not sure what to say.
Thanks in advance.
Thank you for all the kind words and helpful advice. I hadn't planned on saying "he needed to see his mother" so that was the part I was really struggling with. I am trying to keep it truthful but I hesitated saying he is getting kicked out of the country (making our government the culprit) and I'm not ready to say he made bad decisions and this is a punishment (possibly leading to empathy for him or fear she could be punished similarly). I will use the advice given and offer her a simplified version of deportation - complicated rules etc. She does have a map and globe and I point to where we live and her Baba lives. I have tried to discuss geography with her for a long time but she still doesn't grasp the concept. I'm sure that will come with time. My father and two brothers are pretty involved in her life. I am also now engaged to a very loving man with two older sons. So she is now surrounded by reliable men who love her. To clarify, she was born here and her dad is in jail right now. He writes her and we have written a few things back. Also, I am more specific (Tanzania) but I used "Africa" in the post because not everyone is familiar with Tanzania - thanks for that observation :) Africa is the most diverse continent on the planet and I tell her things that are specific to her ancestry. Tomorrow we are going to hear a Masaai man talk about growing up in the Serengeti (she is part Masaai). I sing a song to her about the moon with words like "the moon sees somebody I want to see" but she hasn't made the connection (the stars are actually different because Tanzania is in the southern hemisphere - it is very cool). Thanks again for all the responses. I feel I am carefully planting seeds in her mind that will shape her psychology - it is nerve racking. Life can get so complicated, I appreciate all the thoughtful perspectives.
It sounds like you are doing good. Next time she asks, you might try showing her a globe or a map of how far Africa is, how many oceans you need to cross, etc. I would not bring him up, but I would answer her questions as honestly as you can. You might also try to find some children's books depicting single-parent households, so she sees that her situation is normal.
You are doing fine.. First tell her what she CAN do to keep in touch.. Mail letter, mail pictures.
Then answer her questions honestly
Trains cannot go in the water.
He loves her too, and will write her letters back.
Children just want an answer. She soon will realize this is her normal.
There are many homes where the dad is not there any more.
You've probably thought of this, but reading your post, I couldn't help but think of Barack Obama's autobiography, Dreams from My Father. His mother and grandparents did a wonderful job giving child-Barack a positive sense of his father, and only gradually introduced him to the complex reality later.
Oh, and I don't mean this as a politically infused recommendation at all. It's just a nice example of a way people can incorporate an absent parent into family mythology.
Best wishes,
Mira
I would not lie about it. I don't think it's right or that she'll appreciate it when she learns of the truth. I would tell her, before she's old enough to understood that you have lied already, he made some mistakes and was made to go back to Africa. As she ages, she'll learn about the laws in the USA and what it means to be a citizen. Just let it come naturally. If you truly want to keep it simple, keep it truthful. A lie is always more convolted.
You are right about keeping it simple. She remembers the fond times and love with her dad and she wants it back. She wants, more than anything to know that her daddy loves her and wishes he could be with her.
I'd say something like: daddy has a lot of stuff he has to take care of back in Africa. He misses you so much and loves you more than you can ever imagine but he can't be here right now. We hope that some day he can be but until then we have to keep him in our thoughts and prayers and remember all those cozy and fun times he hugged you and kissed you.
If the possibility exists that he will return to her life in the next few years I'd encourage him to write to her, send her pictures, etc and yoc an help her write letters back. But if it seems that is unlikely help her to develop a strong relationship with your dad or brother so she can have another important man in her life who adores her. At age 3.5 the memory is still significant - but it will fade. My neighbor's daughter was 3 when her mom died of cancer and now at age 8 she has only dim memories of her mom - and most of them are based on photos and her older sibling's memories.
When a new man comes in to yoru life please don't involve him with your daughter until you are certain that you will be marrying him and spending the rest of you life together. Children need permanency in important relationships like these or she'll grow up to expect men to leave her life.
My heart hurts for you and your daughter - and I pray God will bring healing to you both and a wonderful man into your daughter's life who will help her to see that she's a awesome creation and she was made to do amazing things.
My advice is to
1) get an atlas and show her when she lives and where her dad is (please be more specific with her than "Africa" both out of simplicity and just general correctness)
2) Tell her the TRUTH. Her dad returned _______ because it is where he was born and where his family is. I loved his life with her in California, but the rule was needed to go back.
Even if deportation were not the issue... I'd warn you to be careful about creating a hero myth about her father. Keep the story simple, positive and TRUE. At some point he may reemerge in her life and you could be setting her up to be wildly disappointed at best, manipulated and abused at worst. Also, even if he never comes back to her, she'll eventually hit that phase where she blames YOU for everything and she'll have "chasing my perfect father away" to add to her list. Don't over-do how much he misses her if she isn't getting any confirmation of that from him. It can end up very confusing (especially for girls with absent fathers) when she has to decide what kind of treatment she expects from people who "love" her.
HTH
T.
First of all I give you a pat on the back for doing what you can to keep it all positive. That I am sure is very difficult for you. He is her father and always will be. Hopefully there is some way in which he can keep in contact with her. I agree with other poster's on showing her a map or a globe, so that she can understand that Africa is far away, not just another town over. Books on different types of families are a great help too, so that she can see that many people have "different" types of families. Definitely keep your feelings for him and what happened between the two of you separate from what you share with your daughter. You are doing a great job! At 3yrs old just answer the questions that she asks and leave it there, don't add more than she asks for. Keep the language simple so she can understand. Perhaps it might be therapeutic for her to make pictures for him and when you get an address for him, send them. It might help her process. You are keeping the lines of communication open and that is the best part.
If it were me I would be sure your daughter understands that Daddy had no choice in the matter. Something similar to what you are already doing......
You are too young to understand because it i very complicated. Daddy did not want to leave to go to Africa, but he is not a United States citizen. You and I were born where we live, but Daddy was born far far away and did not come here until he was all grown up. So the law said he had to leave. He loves you and he misses you, but he had no choice. It may be a long long time until we can see Daddy again. I'm sorry.
Write letters if you can. Hopefully her Dad will respond. When she asks hard questions you can't answer tell the truth. You can tell her when you don't know something or you can tell her if the answer is too big for a little girl.
I do think it is important for her to know he would be here if he could be here. He didn't want to leave her.
Keep it simple.
Can he call her? Can he Skype?
Is he working or will he be? Then say he is working in Africa.
Show her where in Africa he is and let her know someday when she is older she can go see him.
My son and I left "home" when he was almost 2. Up until 3 his father was not a very regular contact (being in two different countries didn't help but that was not the real reason), but after that he seemed to want to be more involved, so as my son grew, so did his relationship with his father. To ease it out for him, I helped by being there to all the skypeing sessions (which lasted very little when my son was 2 to 3,5 y.o,with time increasing as he got older), I encouraged him to talk over the phone with his dad, BUT never, NEVER did I push for these things to happen. I simply let my son's feelings towards his father and his desires lead my way towards managing their contacts/relationship. So the first 3 years have been smooth (my son being happy/ok talking/skypeing with his dad but nothing major), during this last year my son is asking more about his dad and also told me a couple of times he misses him and would like him close (he's almost 6, so much older).Now, i have a good relationship with my ex and he WANTS to be involved in his son's life, even though we live in two different continents, so he is VERY available to our son when he needs him. That's why I helped my son building an attachement/relationship with him, because I knew his dad would be there for him. But had the situation been different (dad not so involved/willing to be there/reliable) I would have NOT encouraged my son to develop deeper feelings than the ones he would develop without my help, only to be broken hearted/disappointed later by his own father. So in your case it really depends on the stability of her father. You don't want to build this image in her head and heart of a great, loving father who, in reality, cannot fulfill her needs/desires/wishes because he is not there. Distance is NOT a problem, you need to make sure this man is committed to his kid before deciding how to proceed. If you are doubtful, just keep doing what you do, keep it simple and let her process the whole thing in time with no particular expectations and less wounds in her little heart. Good luck.
What about telling her that different countries have different laws about coming and going? Tell her that you need proper documents and permissions that are tough to get, to come in to the US and live here and her dad doesn't have those (yet). Tell her that laws are sometimes very complicated, but that her dad loves her even though he has to go back to the country where he was born right now.
I don't think at 4, that you have to go into the idea of laws being broken and the arrest....
Can they email, write letters, draw pictures, etc to keep close?
First of all, bless her and bless you. It's not fair that some children have these extra complications, but luckily she has you and it sounds like you're doing a great job. I think what the others have said is wonderful, I just want to make one point. You don't clarify whether she was born in the US or Africa and obviously she has family who is in Africa, so just be careful saying he had to go because he was born there or because his family is there. You don't want her to think that someone may knock on her door some day and send her away to Africa. Their bright little imaginations can take strange turns, so just be mindful - otherwise, I think you're doing great. Stay strong and good for you for getting out of a situation that, had you stayed, would surely have been significantly worse for your little girl. All the best. Dx
I am all for telling her the truth...not the whole truth now....but start it out as he did something wrong and has to go back to Africa as a punishment. Did he use you to get to the states to do illegal things ....if so....dirty rat...who would want him as a father anyway. Best to be rid of him altogether....kids can survive without fathers....both my kids did early in life due to a car accident. An uncle or granddad is your best bet...you know it is real love. Good luck!
Hugs going out to you!
I think what you are doing is fine. It doesn't take away the guilt, but you shouldn't have any. I think showing her a globe or map of how far it is will give her a little concept, but I don't think she'll fully understand it. Maybe you could take her to the ocean, tell her to look and tell you what she sees. Then tell her Africa is way, way out there, it's very far away. Then at night time, tell her, to look up at the stars and even though Africa is far away, the same stars up there are looking at her daddy, so she and her daddy can look at the same stars even though they are so far away from each other.
Don't speak negative to her about her father. I know what he did to you was awful and it still hurts. You know you did the right thing for the two of you. When she gets much older and can understand divorce, let her know that you both love her but couldn't be with each other. You don't have to go into details, most men like that don't change and if they do, they thank the woman who they beat from not putting up with it to make them change for themselves.
My heart goes out to you, it will get easier!
Maybe you could get her a globe and show her where Africa is so she has an idea of how far away it is.
This is just the beginning. You will need to tell her the whole truth as soon as she's old enough to grasp it so she doesn't have self-esteem issues. (Why doesn't my daddy love me enough to come see me?)
