Teens and Technology

You don't really need reassurance for giving a time limit for this, do you? Do you really think it's only helicopter parents who tell their teens what they can and cannot do, and how long they can and can't do something? Of course it isn't.

It's healthy to set limits with teens, just like it is healthy to set limits for preteens. You just have to expect more responsibility for more privileges when they are teens. And it's fine to say "Your two hours are up - hand it over." He's not an adult. He will STILL test your limits. You have to still be the parent.

It's addictive behavior.
Tell him you have limits on his tech use not because you are trying to be punitive but because you like the sound of his voice, the look in his eyes and enjoy his company so much.
The family wants to BE WITH him and connect - not with a video zombie who shambles around staring at a screen and nothing else.
That being said, if the boundaries are being stretched and/or ignored - you will take the tech away (except for homework purposes) for a week and he can go cold turkey.
Repeat as necessary.
Establish no tech zones/times - like the dinner table, outings, when company/friends are over - and stick with it.
It's not helicopter parenting to tell him what is acceptable and what isn't.

Hmm. I don't know. At 15, I think it's time he started (if he hasn't already) learning how to manage his own time. I no longer limit my kids' time on electronics in that way. However, they are still required to use good manners. so, when we have family time, or are out at dinner, or at home at dinner for that matter... no electronics! It's rude! And we don't do rude at dinner. Know what I mean?

If they have homework, then the homework needs to be done before they start a movie or a game or they sit texting with friends. If homework is done, and any chores are done, fine.

What tends to happen at our house, if I notice one of the kids seems to be sitting motionless for too long with a device, is that I find things for them to do. Chores, usually. Clothes need putting away, the trash needs emptying, the rug needs to be vacuumed, the yard needs poop scooping, help empty the dishwasher, go get the mail, take out the newspaper to the recycling, study for tomorrow's quiz, practiced your musical instrument yet today? and on and on... there is always something you can suggest.

But some days, it's ok to sit and veg out with electronics a little. Really. My kids don't sit on ipods or hand held games when friends are over usually. They might get on the PS3, or watch movies, but more often than not they hang out outside walk around talking to each other, or waiting until dark to play war-games like capture the flag.

IF the grades drop, or there are disciplinary issues... then the rules change. But for a generally compliant teen who is doing what is expected, then I am not going to sit with a clock and dole out minutes/hours for electronics. In18 months (or less) my son will be off at college. If he doesn't learn to manage his time now, when is he going to learn??
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We do, however, require that phones are put away before bed. They don't go to their rooms at bedtime just to be on their device. No. Phones get plugged in overnight to charge in the public areas of the house when it is time for bed.

We not only have time limits on technology, but use is limited to when and where it is appropriate. Appropriate times and places might be on a long car ride, waiting at the doctors office, on a bus, waiting for me when I am at a meeting, alone during free time. Inappropriate times and places would be at the dinner table, when company is over, when we are on an outing, when there is anything else that needs to be done. If I find myself having to remind them of appropriate use the ipod gets taken away for a few days. By 14 he should definitely be able to tell the difference between appropriate and inappropriate times.

You wrote that "He has it with him everywhere he goes." That's your clue that he is way overusing this thing. It is not appropriate to have a device literally everywhere, if that's what's happening here. He should not, for instance, have it at school (doesn't his school have a policy on devices? Is he using it every free minute there at lunch etc.? I'd make him leave it home); at any meal anywhere, anytime (at home, restaurant, someone else's house etc.); before school in the morning (I would argue that that time is for getting ready efficiently and devices distract from that); for a certain period before bed at night. Kids, even teens, need to let their brains rest from images and sound and screens before bed, and you can look up studies that will show you that being with a screen before or even in bed tends to keep kids' brains wired and they can't rest. But don't show him the studies--he won't care; they're for you, not him. Tell him you miss him (as B. suggests below!). Engage with him a lot when he's with you and doesn't have his Ipod; you can expect to get some rolling of the eyes and that bored-teen face, but you can handle that -- right? Talk with him, go places as a family or just you two, go for some experiences on weekends so he's not wanting to hole up in the house with his Ipod.

It's not helicoperting to set limits. Your house, your kid, your rules. You are not banning his device, only limiting it.

It would help a lot if he had something else in his life. You mention schoolwork and his Ipod. Does he have activities? A club, a class, an afterschool activity either at school or elsewhere, a sport, an art? If he does already -- encourage it even more and find out if it's really still of interest to him or is something he's outgrown and is ready to leave behind. Then have him find something new to engage him.

If he does not have activities besides being on his device -- it's past time to get him into some group or activity where he is with kids his age, there is a smart and experienced leader/teacher/coach/facilitator who knows how to give kids responsibility for their own fun, and where electronics are banned for that meeting time. At his age a lot of kids are doing activities that require multiple meetings or matches or games per week. If he really doesnt have an activity or hobby other than his device and homework, he could benefit and have a lot of fun if he gets involved in something. But be sure he has most of the input when choosing -- it must be based on his interests, not something you push on him, though you should push the idea of "you need at least one activity." (I know several families that are not at all "helicoptering" but that do require each kid to have one outside activity so they are not entirely about school and home, and so they develop some interests of their own and connect with other kids in person -- not just via devices.)

My daughter sometimes has difficulty saying no. So do I. When she's frustrated because her teen asks for something or doesn't do chores, I tell her she's the mom. You decide where the boundaries are and say no without an explanation. My granddaughter argues and her mom gets hooked.

Its interesting. That telling her that has helped me maintain better boundaries.

I suggest that you not unilaterally just say no. My daughter tried that and it didn't work. I suggest you have a conversation with him, discussing why you want him to spend less time on electronics. Isn'tthisfun has given you some good reasons for when to stop texting. If you haven't been working with him about your values and how they fit in too your rules, it's past time to start those conversations. Including him in making a change.

My kids are 12 and 15. They each have a phone and tablet. The have daily chores as well as homework that are priorities. If they do those FIRST right after they get home from school, then they can go on their electronics until dinner is ready. NO electronics are allowed at the table for any of us. Then if we aren't doing something as a family, they can go back on until 7:30 then they are off them. They can watch tv or do something else but phones and tablets are NOT allowed upstairs in their rooms EVER. We collect them at night and keep them in our room to make sure they don't sneak and get on them. We are a little more flexible on the weekends, they can be on them unless we are doing something. But they are NOT on them during activities or parties or church, etc. I usually keep them in my purse. There are so many kids that literally have them 24/7. I don't understand why the parents don't set limits on them. If I didn't have the rules I have, my kids would be on them all the time too. I think it's a sad sign of the times but just because "all the other kids do it" doesn't mean mine are going to. It's ok to set limits and I hope you do. Good luck.

I don't see how this is a "teen problem". Do you know how many adults I see with their noses buried in their devices?

I think you need to set up your expectations in advance and follow through. More importantly you and the other adults in his life need to set a good example.

i don't think a time limit is the worst thing in the world.
gaming and hand-held devices were just starting to explode when i had teens at home, so my experience of it was a little different from you younger moms dealing with it today when it's so very ubiquitous.
what i think i'd do today would be to come at it from the other end. rather than set a time limit, which has to be somewhat arbitrary, i'd set no-techno-zones. times and places where the screen has to be put down, the earbuds out, the connection broken, and only face-to-face human contact is allowed. meals are an obvious place, but you could set other ones too.
in our family it didn't work too well to be heavy-handed about 'my house, my rules' (and oh yes, i did pull it out from time to time<G>.) what worked best with my kids was discussion. what my concerns were, why things concerned me, why i thought my concerns should be shared by them, and methods of easing my concerns while still respecting their choices and increasing levels of autonomy in their own lives.
it didn't work perfectly. but we bumbled through. you will too.
:) khairete
S.

This has to be THE parenting issue of this generation. I honestly don't know what to tell you because I wonder the same thing. There is no stopping technological progress, but I applaud you for trying to set limits.

Why don't we just merge our brains with our smart phones/gadgets and call it a day?

:/

You're not a helicopter parent. You are watching out for him and guiding him to make decisions before he is mature enough to make them himself. His mental and social development will actually be stunted if the only thing he interacts with is a device.

You should have a no-tech rule during meals and family outings. There's nothing wrong with the entire family in the car either talking to each other or agreeing on one source of music. If it's interfering when his own friends come over, that's pretty bothersome!

I see kids in the movie theater texting each other before the movies start - actually texting the kids next to them. Kids out on boats and beaches in the summer are engaged in their devices, not taking in the scenery or appreciating anything around them. Same for going to athletic events and dances. Joggers have the music up so loud that they don't hear the cars near them, and there are studies showing that ear buds and excessive time on turned-up devices is causing hearing loss. And so on.

If he can't give it up - then it's already over the top with some addicting aspect. Not good.

Kids (and adults) aren't engaging in social relationships or having conversations, they are speaking in abbreviations and emojis rather than learning to read social cues and facial expressions. It's not a stretch to say they aren't going to have great memories of their childhood and adolescence. College professors say that kids can't really engage in the classroom where discussion and insightful communication is required. So it plays out in other ways beyond high school.

Helicopter parenting is when a parent intervenes in every relationship - always is the one talking to the teacher on the kid's behalf (after the first few grades, kids should at least be making the first effort, with more and more as they get into middle and high school). Helicoptering is when parents call the college advisor to say that their kid had the flu or is just exhausted and needs an extension on a deadline. It's when parents (no kidding) call the HR director at their 25-year-old's employer and advocate for a raise. It's not when parents set limits and say that kids have to be part of the family.

Stick to your principles! I know he doesn't understand it, any more than he knows he needs more sleep or more vegetables or a seatbelt or the ability to set stuff aside when he gets his learner's permit. His brain is not fully developed until the age of 25 or so, and until that happens, it's your job as parent to help him get there safely! Start with how much you miss him, how much he adds to your family outings and dynamics - if you can start positive, great. Keep the laughter up and his griping down, if you can. Down the road, he's not getting a driver's license or other signs of maturity and good judgment if he can't make these decisions on his own. Let him know this is his time to practice these skills so that you can trust him to have those ingrained habits later on.

I thought our oldest was bad until I talked to other parents - he's average. It bothers me (he's in middle school) so we've had talks about it. I kept track of it for a while and it wasn't quite as bad as I thought. He goes on periodically to check in with his buds. They all use social media and he's got his school buds on there, hockey buds, neighbor buds ... so it's often just a quick check, and then back in his pocket. So it's not like gaming ... he will get caught up in that sometimes, and that's when I say "Ok enough!". That can be addictive.

Our middle school allows them to bring them. They even have extra Ipads to those who don't have them, because the kids use them for math games, research, etc. So mine have them on school bus - so there's even more time (whereas my younger kids leave them home).

We try to manage screen time overall - computer, xbox, devices, TV by saying that these all come after everything else has been done - kind of like my parents used to do with TV. So chores, homework, exercise, family time like meals ... have to be done first before you can get comfy with a screen. That works ok most of the time.

If my son's homework slips or he's not getting his chores done, he loses his phone/tablet, etc. not as punishment, but he learns that it's distracting him from more important things and he obviously can't manage it all. We've done it a few times - and it's helped him figure it out a bit.