Teenagers Going on MS/ HS Trips Wo Parents

I went to DC (from the Boston area) on trips in both 7th and 8th grades. Different schools, diferent experiences, but both fabulous.

My daughter just got an invite letter to go to Alaska this coming summer. My husband and I are going to look into it, but we are thinking no...she will be 11 and just going into 6th grade. But then when I was in 6th grade I went on a trip from Bermuda to VA with just two teachers and a group of 15 kids. One of the BEST experiences in my life.

So look into it and see if it fits what you are looking for/can afford/are comfortable with.

You are her mother for a reason. You have instincts/ feelings about what should be done. It's not because you are against change or learning responsibility or that you don't trust her. You just feel that it's not time yet. You know. And if there was anyone to not trust, it would be some of the other people that would be there. You just want her to be safe. I say give it awhile, until you are confident of what would happen.

Sounds like two issues, one, your feelings about letting her go and two, her attitude and whether or not she "deserves" it.
Our middle school does a 7th grade environmental trip to Costa Rica and an 8th grade trip to Washington DC. They are chaperoned by teachers and a handful of parents (chosen by lottery as of course many parents WANT to go but the spaces are limited.)
I'm a big believer in travel as a fundamental part of education but my kids never opted to go. My older two simply because they weren't interested (they DID do summer camp however, from ages 9 to 14, so it's not like they didn't want to leave home) and my youngest because she is anxious and does not want to leave home for more than an overnight or weekend.
In a nutshell, if my kids wanted to go and we had the money I would have sent them in a heartbeat.
Now if you feel like your daughter has an attitude, that's another thing. You COULD compromise here. Offer to match half the cost of the trip. Does she babysit, or take care of neighbors pets, plans and/or mail while they are gone? My kids have earned a fair amount of money this way. She could also do extra work around the house, bigger jobs like cleaning the car/garage, yard work, stuff like that. That way she is EARNING the trip, it's not just being given to her.
ETA: you also need to be careful at this age, it's time to start letting out the leash. Sometimes coming down hard and being too controlling backfires when your child is growing and seeking more independence. That doesn't mean you let them do everything they want but it does mean that you need to give them chances to show their maturity and responsibility. The strictest parents often end up with the most rebellious teenagers.

Aren't student missions trips chaperoned by the church? And usually there is a LOT of fundraising that goes into it.

If it were my kids, I'd say that they could go if: Their grades were good when trip time rolled around, they were taking care of their other responsibilities, they raised the money, and it was adequately chaperoned by trusted adults.

I think you should tell her that she can go - if she earns the $ to go. (Depending on the cost of the trip, you might say that you'll match her, if she earns half, you'll cover the other half).

I know she's not old enough to get a real job. But she could babysit, mow grass, pull weeds, be a dog walker, etc, for your neighbors. I had a neighbor boy who did this exact thing (was earning $ for a trip), and thought of something for every season: at Christmas, he put out a flier advertisting gift wrapping services, at Valentines' Day, he made and delivered heart shaped sugar cookies (again with fliers with forms for people to order ahead of time), plus he did yardwork. You could also assign monetary values to things you need to have done, but I think it will make more of an impression if she has to earn the $ from someone other than you.

And since it's likely that she won't be able to raise the funds to go on all 3 trips, she'll have to choose one of the trips to focus on.

She is beyond old enough to understand that money isn't free and that sometimes you have to make choices because you can't afford everything you want. And if she isn't willing to work for it, she obviously doesn't want it that badly - and not going becomes HER choice, not a decision you made for her.

And, all this said, if you believe she is going through a stage where she feels entitled, then a mission trip to see first-hand how lucky she is may be just what she needs at this point in her life.

(In the meantime, you should also find out who goes with the kids and how they make sure the kids don't get into trouble.)

If you can't afford it - it's a no go - plain and simple.
This isn't something that you need to get into debt for.
If she wants to 'do this on her own' then she can earn the money she will need for future trips - baby sit, walk dogs, pet sit, mow neighbors lawns etc.
What she puts into it will be what she gets out of it.
If she works hard - she'll go places.
If not - she won't.
Literally and figuratively.

I'm a homeschooling, fairly protective mom but I'm with Christy Lee on this one.

Also, I'd stop focusing on the negatives in her personality and really hone in on the things that she can strengthen so that you feel comfortable turning her loose into the broader world. And when she does show progress really praise her.

For instance tell her you'd like to see her use her talents to make some money (babysitting, pet-sitting, etc.). Once kids start earning their own money they suddenly start to appreciate how much their parents spend letting them do stuff. Tell her how much you admire her taking initiative in her own life.

It's great that she wants to be independent. But you know her best and should trust your instincts imho. And I would want to guide her to that place where you reasonably know that she can handle herself. Also, perhaps get your husband's perspective too. Sometimes they see things in a different light than we moms.

Good luck and hang in there.

Is this a church sponsored trip? I know I used to go on those all the time to far away places when I was in middle school. Back then, we didn't have cell phones, either. We used a pay phone to call home collect (gasp). As long as responsible adults are going, I don't see the big deal. However, my mom wasn't a helicopter mom and I wasn't very sheltered. I was thrown out there to learn by experience and on my own when the opportunity was available. I also had to earn my own money to go on these trips (babysitting, helping my mom sell Avon, etc).

My parents never refused us a trip, many were not chaperoned by parents. Not sure how they afforded it given their incomes. We were excited to go, they were excited to have us going.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

I was never able to attend camp because we couldn't afford it. However, when my school had a whale watching trip when I was a sophomore, I earned the money to go by selling candy. I was a fairly good kid, Mom attended all the meetings to know the score re: chaperones, etc. I think that occasionally letting her go will be good for both of you. If she is capable, then work with her on a middle ground. These next 4 years will be about flapping those wings and either you give her tools while she is in the nest, or she falls on her head when she first ventures out. If she wants to go, maybe just to one, why and how will she earn the money and show you that you can trust her? HS might also involve overnights for competitions, conferences, or to visit colleges. There are a lot of legit reasons a kid might be gone for a few days and either you trust your kid or you don't. And if you don't, then the issue is way more than where they are going.

Presumably these places have a phone somewhere. If so, then call the hotel or have her call you once. Or send an email. Or whatever.

And I'm not excusing her at all, but much of what you describe is being a teenager. So if you want x and y before she can go, lay it out. And get her input. I don't know what you ask of her or expect from her, so I can't say if you're asking too much. But if she CAN when motivated...find that motivation.

If it's mostly the money, then she is a smart kid and can figure out how to earn some. Babysitting comes to mind. Chores for neighbors. Etc. If she truly wants to go, she will earn the money...or not.

In 7th grade I had the opportunity to do a school trip to NYC/Boston. I really wanted to go but we didnt have the $$$. The next year it would be DC. My parents told me if I raised at least half the money I could go. My mom is pretty crafty and her friend had a wood cutter. My mom helped me. She designed some Christmas decor items and her friend cut them. I had to call close friends, family, and neighbors and sell my items to them (took orders). I made and assembled them as much as I could and my mom helped with what I couldnt. The friend that cut the wood for us was given a complete set. I raised about $900 of the $1400 needed. I also told friends and neighbors that I was working to raise money for this school trip and if they had jobs they were will to pay me for I would do it. I baby sat, weeded flower beds, washed cars, cleaned houses, you name it. Allow her to make a similar deal and include that her grades need to be top notch as well.
In HS for choir we had the opportunity to go to hawaii. I knew my family would not be able to afford it. We had the opportunity to fund raise by selling candy bars at school. I sold the heck out of those candy bars. I think I sold around 35 boxes. (50 bars a box, $25 profit per box) my dad took a few boxes to work for me and sold some there too. At the end of the day though I had a state track meet and was unable to go to hawaii. But I still got about $500 back after cancellations that went to the track meet trip.
I do not believe in blindly giving your kids thousands of dollars for the heck of it. ESPECIALLY if you can not afford it. Decide what you can afford and have them meet you there. If they do not meet their goal there pretty much will always be another trip and they will already be working their way there.

funny i just searched for something of this nature that i am going through with my 5th and 8th grader. and i didn't see this.

i agree the Money Tree ATtitude sense of entitlement HAS TO GO!! My SD has the attitude that she IS going and WE have to attend the meeting next week. I told her to hold up, where did we say YOu were allowed to go and that WE could all afford for you to go? that slowed her down a bit but she's reminded my DH almost everyday that the meeting is next Tuesday. I do not like the sense of entitlement kids get when things like this at school are announced. what about how can I help my parents make this decision to let me go, (good behavior, good grades, raise money etc.?) rather than they are GOING to let me go

agree w/ all the other posters. I'm torn but i see the educational benefit from these trips and if she is mature enough to go w/ the school chaperones why not, it's only once that she will go through highschool and have these options. I really wish that I could have done these things during school. It's a great bonding experience and of course ONLY if you can afford her to go and noone else is going to suffer because of it.

my son went to Florida with the Band at age 14....traveling from MO.
I was a.o.k. with it. :)

my recommendation: before the trip, start letting her have more freedom to build up that core inner strength & to improve your faith in her!

First and foremost, if you can not afford it, the answer is NO, plain and simple.

Second, if grades and attitude aren't up to par, the answer would be no.

Third, Mexico would be a huge no right now if myself or dad weren't going. I went at that age on cruise to Mexico with a group I was in, but I'd been there off and on most of my life.

Lastly, if she want's to go that badly I'd say yes to WA, and Catalina (not much is gonna happen there), but she would have to meet the requirements above and help raise half of it herself. She's 14 she can figure it out.

I have let my children go on trips without me. We were stationed in Germany and the first thing I heard about was a ski trip for the 6th graders that was being planned. It actually took several years before the trip actually was a go. My daughter was the recipient of the trip. I saw her off and thought "Oh my baby, is leaving!" But I let her go and it was a wonderful experience for her. Later in the year, I went on a trip with her and wound up being chaperone to three other girls.

My son was in sports and such and took several weekend trips to play football, wrestling (in neighboring Belgium, Luxembourg, Berlin) and scouts. He spent a week at Baden Powell Boy Scout Camp in England and went by train with his troop and saw the White Cliffs of Dover on the way via ferry.

You have to know your children. You also have to give them some space to grow and mature so that when they do leave home to go to college or work, they are able to handle the separation. As others have mentioned the helicopter parents. I actually experienced one this fall semester when father was "helping" son register for classes. I asked the dad if he was taking the classes too. He had a funny look on his face and did not respond.

Good luck on what you decide for your daughter. She will have to learn some street smarts in order to make it in this world or she will be the wide eyed doe easy for the taking.

the other S.

PS These trips were before cell phones.

Mexico, not in this,lifetime! Is this church sponsored? How about fundraising. I think if you cut the apron strings a bit, you may find her attitude better. You gave her roots and wings. Let her fly.

My eldest is in 8th grade and about to turn 13. Last year the class trip was to Cape Cod. Parents were NOT ALLOWED on the trip. Teachers were chaperones as were the school nurses. Cell phones were NOT ALLOWED on the trip since teachers had their cell phones.

I had no issues with the fact that parental chaperones weren't allowed, but I knew the teachers and the kids. I had issues with the fact that cell phones weren't allowed. I still have an issue with that. This year the class trip is to Washington DC and they're allowed to take their cell phones, but I don't understand why the rules are different from one grade to the next. Same children, different location.

You will be helping your daughter exert some much needed independence. She will be forced to rely heavily on the authority of several teachers. She will have to account for any decisions she makes and discipline will be swift and immediate and even across the board. She should also be responsible, like most of the children in her class, for fund raising for the trip. Trips like these aren't just handed over. They're earned by the children through a series of fund raisers and with help from donations from the town and the PTO. It's the remainder of the trips that parents are responsible for, as well as food that's purchases outside of the hotel and souvenirs.

If your daughter earns an allowance then make her save it for the trip/s. Unless the trip/s are mandatory, then have her choose ONE trip, not all. She's not entitled to go on all of them. In most instances there are a limited number of slots based on the hotel blocks of rooms and the types of group activities that can be booked during the trip and the limitations on group sizes (for instance, whale watches often have a size limit for the boat and only a certain number of boats per day will go out).

I've warned my daughter that if she doesn't have a spectacular first semester and second semester, there's no chance she's going to DC. She'll have full curriculum with at least half of her class if she stays, so I know she won't be "missing out" by not going on the trip.

So. All that just to balance it out.

If it was a school field trip to just one place, then yes, I would let her go and without you. However, if there are multiple trips coming up maybe let her choose just one or if you or she could afford 2, she could two. Maybe you could go on one with her and her by herself on the other. Most trips are probably fund raised. I'm not sure if at 14 I would let my child go to Mexico. I know i could not afford 3 trips all in the same year for my child.

I don't know that I would feel bad about not wanting to send my 14yo that far away without an adult that I know and trust. You know your child, and thinking that now is NOT the right time is not necessarily a smothering move. Make the call.

If this is a school sponsored trip there are usually fundraisers that help with the cost. But it sounds more like the bigger issue is her attitude.