Teenager in Trouble????

Updated on March 30, 2015
S.R. asks from Kansas City, MO
15 answers

My DD will be 18 in September and is finishing up Junior year in high school. We had a get together last week with our good friends of 5+ years. She has a son from a previous marriage and he is a freshman in college and getting ready to turn 19 in May. ( he's very young for his class). Well him and my DD met and they liked each other and had a connection. He asked her out on a date and she was respectful enough to ask us if it would be ok, while I said yes my DH said no. Now we are at odds with each other because he sees the grade difference and I see an age difference. They are 1 year and 4 months apart, plus we know his mom and soon to be step-dad. He seems like a good kid, we don't know him that well but we know he's never been in trouble and his mom has had normal teenage issues like us. He graduated last year at semester from HS and is working on a teaching degree. My DH is being way to over protective and worrying about PG with our DD. We sat down and heard each other out as far as differences of opinions. He thinks it's inappropriate for a junior in high school to be dating a freshman in college. Our DD will be a senior next year and I just don't see the issue. I mean high school kids get PG all the time and we have def had the birds and bees talk w her years ago. I think my DD makes good choices and I know she likes him and who knows, maybe if they go on a date they will end up having a platonic relationship. My DH keeps saying "do you think this college boy just wants to hang out and watch movies, no he probably wants to have sex with her". While I complelety understand his concern, I reminded him that girls can be aggressive too, not that I think our DD is like that but it takes two. We are still undecided on what to do. I think it's ok, and she will still have rules and curfew but my DH says absolutely not. What do you think?

What can I do next?

  • Add yourAnswer own comment
  • Ask your own question Add Question
  • Join the Mamapedia community Mamapedia
  • as inappropriate
  • this with your friends

So What Happened?

Thank you! My DD is on BC and has been ever since she was 16, due to bad menstrual issues. To this day she tells me she is still a virgin and I do believe her and yes I've told her the day she starts having sex we need to get her in to see GYNO. we have a good relationship like that. Since this post, DH and I are continuing to communicate and he is staring to relax a bit and see my point. Thanks for your feedback!

Featured Answers



answers from Washington DC on

Does he allow her to date high school boys? I 'm guessing they might want a little more than movie watching also.

6 moms found this helpful

More Answers


answers from Dallas on

Dads are so protective of their little girls.

I probably would not mention this to your hubby but it is true that the high school boys she dates probably have more on their mind than watching videos as well.... :)

Maybe the college freshman is a little more mature and focused on career and education instead of accidently knocking someone up. Just a thought.

I know it is tough going through it... my daughter is 20 and had her share of dates I did not like and some I liked a lot. I continue to trust that she will make good decisions.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

I agree with you that the age difference is more important than the grade difference. And I agree with TF/Plano below that the high school boys are at least as interested in sex as the college boys. I can't imagine what your husband is thinking he is protecting her from. She's a junior in high school anyway (even if she weren't 18) and she needs to learn how to date. That can't happen if people say no to her. She has 1 more year of high school and then she's off and gone - I can't think of anyone safer than the son of people you know well who are also keeping an eye on where their child is! Probably this is much safer than the son of people you don't know well. I understand your husband's desire to protect his daughter, but locking her up in the tower of the castle isn't going to take care of that. You've had "the talk" with her and hopefully you continue to do that. Your job is to raise her, not imprison her. Platonic relationship or romantic, let her go out with this boy.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

I'd actually consider the guy who sees a future for himself and who feels he has options as the safer bet for responsible behavior than another high school student her own age who may have no plans, no goals, just 'live for the moment'....

Have you done the responsible parent thing and made sure your daughter is having annual gyn exams, talking to a doctor, and that she has access to birth control? Have you talked with her about her own options for the future and her own plans? Not saying this is your daughter's MO, but there are plenty of young women who idealize playing Happy Family with their boyfriends as well. BOTH young people need to feel that they value themselves and their futures enough to want to practice safer sex if things should go that way.

To me, the conversation should be less about physically stopping them from having a relationship and more about mentally and emotionally preparing them to make more mature choices.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Norfolk on

If your husband thinks his saying 'no' is going to prevent sex he is sadly mistaken.
He doesn't own her virginity.
There is a little bit of an age difference but it sounds like less than 2 years - so they have plenty in common.
So what if a college boy wants sex with her (and I'm not saying he does)?
Does your husband think high school boys don't think about sex?
Because 2 years doesn't make that much of a difference.

They might hit it off or they might not - they won't know if there's any chemistry unless they date at least a few times.
Unless your husband's saving your daughter for an arranged marriage he can't pick and choose her boyfriends anymore than he can pick and choose her friends.

It's just a date.
It's a long way from going steady, getting engaged or even getting married.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Philadelphia on

Since the college freshman is pursuing a degree and appears to have goals for himself I don't really think a baby is in his immediate plans either.

I see absolutely nothing wrong with them dating.

Your husband is aware that your DD will be an adult in a few short months and then she could legally date a 45 yo man then. This guy sounds like a very good choice.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

I think it's fine - it really depends on his circle of friends and who he hangs out with. This college guy may have the same values and be a good match, but just be aware that sometimes different years hang out in college and I wouldn't want her exposed to a much older crowd. Presumably his friends would be of like mind to him, so shouldn't be an issue.

The risk of pregnancy shouldn't be any greater than in high school ... that's more an issue of protection. Sounds like you have that covered :)

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Anchorage on

She is 18, she is not a child, and she should be allowed to make her own choices when it comes to dating, and birth control. Your husband needs to realize that she is a young woman now, and trying to control her will only push her away.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from San Antonio on

I was dating a freshman in college when I was a freshman in high school. I was 14 and he was 17 (graduated early). I did not have sex with him. We dated, he took me to some of the school dances, and I liked him because he was more mature than high school boys.

She is almost 18 and can then date anyone she wishes. Let her go out with the nice guy who is a friend of the family.

My parents had no problem with me dating once I started high school. We ran mostly in groups anyways.

Oh and your husband is right, all boys high school and college are going to want to have sex with her; however, she just needs to be up front and honest that she is not looking for that. If that is ALL they want they will take off and not ask her out. If they want someone to take to the movies and hang out then they will stick around (and yes, they will hope she might want that too one day...but you can date and not have sex).

Good luck!!

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

I wouldn't see a problem.
But, hey, all of the parents here could agree with but your husband still doesn't.
So that's who you need to be discussing this with.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Miami on

Well, I was a junior in high school and dated my HUSBAND when he was a freshman in college. He dated other people, I dated other people. We ended up continuing to date when I got to college and had two years together in college before he graduated and went to work. I finished my two years and then I married him the month after I graduated. We've been married for 32 years (will be 33 in July) and we have two children in college together. He's one year older than me, and we feel very lucky that we have each other.

I don't know what your husband is so worked up about. He will NOT be able to control who she dates once she goes to college. In fact, she will probably never tell him who she dates, he's being such a jerk to her.

My husband (then my boyfriend) did not see me as a "sex partner". We had a lot in common. We did NOT have sex while I was in high school. Why on earth your husband thinks that he just wants sex is beyond me. He can have sex with college girls if that's all he wants. Your daughter and this guy just LIKE each other.

Tell your husband that he is damn lucky that his daughter can practice navigating dating while she is still living at home with you guys, with a mother who understands that she needs the practice. And he'll be lucky if she will EVER ask any questions of either one of you after he has been so difficult.

Be too pushy, she'll stop communicating with either of you. Telling her that the guy only wants sex and she'll get pregnant and that you don't trust her to be smart might just cost you two having grandchildren FOR A LONG TIME after she gets married. (And might put up a big wall between her husband and your husband. How would YOU like it if your father-in-law had told your husband that you were trying to trap your boyfriend into marrying by getting pregnant? Or how would your husband like it if YOUR father had accused him of only wanting you for sex and that you weren't allowed to date him?)

Going to college doesn't make you worldly if you're a good person. Not everyone goes to frat parties and drinks every day of the week.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

I think she's going to go out with him, no matter what you and DH say. By saying no to this very reasonable request, your hubby is creating an adversarial relationship with your daughter and she will just stop asking/telling you what she's doing in the future. She will tell you what you want to hear, and then go on and do what she wants. These boys are teenagers so of course they want to have sex - don't all boys (and most girls!) but whether or not they act on that desire is another story. Hubby needs to start letting go - it's going to be hard!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

I think it's ok. They are close in age. But I'm not your husband. The only thing I would want to remind your husband is that high schoolers have sex and get pregnant too, and most high school boys want to have sex as well. His reasoning on that is illogical.

I don't know how you change husband's mind. Good luck with it.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

your dh is being a doof.
hit him over the head with a frying pan and don't try to micromanage your good girl into becoming a bad girl.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from New York on

Does your DH think that HS boys don't want to have sex? I know many college guys who are respectful and kind and good. Going to college doesn't turn all people into animals. the fact that the son came to a family gathering and met up with another teenager and made the most of it speaks to his maturity. Alot of teens (college freshman are still teens) woulldn't have had anything to do with a family gathering!

You need to talk to your DH when he's no emotional. Ask him what's making him think that this young man is so awful? remind him that your daughter will be in college in another year and a half and dating while living at home when this boy has to drive her home after the date is good practice for how she should date in college. The high school years are training time for y oung adulthood.

Ultimately, I would respect his opinion - since he is only trying to protect your daughter - but I think he could be persuaded if you work on him, find out the origin of his fears and address them.

For Updates and Special Promotions
Follow Us

Related Questions