Teenaged Drinking and School Notification

Updated on January 29, 2015
S.J. asks from North Richland Hills, TX
31 answers

My 17 year old daughter was at a friends house, and they found alcohol in the house. As teenagers often do, they started drinking it. My daughter tells me that a friend of hers was video taping the night, and that they were dancing around and drinking. The person that took the video put it on Snapchat, and another girl, who is disliked by most of the girls at this "party" took the video and sent it to the school. My daughter is in National Honor Society. They send a letter saying that my daughter had broken their policy of "conduct" - meaning she should not have been drinking at all. There was a hearing, and my daughter was told that NHS holds their members to a higher standard. I totally agree with this. I don't know yet what her punishment will be, and it may be nothing at all. My question is: my husband is blowing this off, saying that the school should not be involved at all. He doesn't understand why the NHS is taking charge of this situation, and disagrees with everything that I tell him about the hearing, and thinks this should all be swept under the rug. I feel that my daughter should be held to those higher standards, because she was invited into the NHS. No, she should not have been drinking, but I understand that most teenaged children will try stupid things at times. I am wondering if I should adopt my husbands nonchalant attitude about all of this, and tell NHS that our daughter is just going to quit. He says this is silly and should not be an issue for the school. I am trying to tell him that yes, these students should be held to this higher standard, and yes, if the school finds out, and the NHS gets the video, then they have the right to do what they need to do in order to have these students held to this higher standard. We just don't see eye to eye on this. Any thoughts?

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So What Happened?

I read all of the responses, and was surprised at the many different reactions. My daughter was kicked out of NHS, which I feel is quite appropriate. We have spoken to her about the responsibilities of taking on a dumb action such as drinking - either at a party or anywhere else. She will get caught - maybe not that day, maybe not that week, but she WILL get caught. We are not dumb parents; we have talked to her about social media and how it can be used against you very quickly. She was grounded for a month, maybe more, because we wanted this incident to sit in her heart and head for quite some time. We took the opportunity to educate her on all sorts of bad things that could have happened that night. Yes, we covered all the bases. We were young and stupid; we also are now informed parents that take every opportunity to teach our daughter right from wrong. She is paying the price for this incident, and I feel that we have handled it properly. There is not enough time or space here to tell everything that went on in our home after this, but rest assured, she will think twice about doing something stupid again. Thank you all for your responses. Many of them were VERY helpful.

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answers from Minneapolis on

Being in an organization is a privilege, not a right and therefore to be involved there is a code of conduct. If she was involved in a sport rather than NHS, she would automatically be suspended for a set amount of games and I don't think this is any different.

I think that if she just walks away and quits, it is condoning her behavior. She signed the code to be in NHS and she broke it and is therefore subject to their pre-determined consequences that she should follow through with. It is a privilege to be in NHS. I would be very disappointed if this were my daughter (who also is in NHS), but I wouldn't let her take the easy way out to quit and walk away. I would make her face the consequences and choices that she made.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Columbia on

I'd go with Love and Logic on this. You two need to step back and let the consequences happen. If the NHS kicks her out for her poor conduct, that's her fault. Hopefully she'll learn a few lessons from this.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Baton Rouge on

If it doesn't happen AT school, and doesn't DIRECTLY affect her school performance (i.e. she isn't coming to class drunk or hung over), then it is none of the school's business.

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answers from Columbia on

This is from the National Honor Society code of conduct:

The Code of Conduct shall apply to any violation on or off school premises during the course of the school year.

#4 under dismissal states:
Alcohol, Tobacco, and Controlled Substances will not be tolerated by the administration of EASD. Any student who violates this policy will be dismissed immediately and may be referred to the Elizabethtown officials for legal actions. By law, if a student is not using illegal substances, but is in the presence of those who are, he or she will be guilty by association.

What your daughter is experiencing is called consequences.

18 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

I teach at a high school in your area and that is the usual policy. We've had students kicked off of the cheerleading team, kicked out of NHS, and kicked out of many other organizations for exactly what you describe. At my son's school students were recently suspended for doing drugs on video (off campus). It's uncommon for students to NOT have consequences for drug or alcohol use even if it's done off campus.

14 moms found this helpful


answers from Jacksonville on

I will also refrain from commenting on the whole fiasco. But would, like Mynewnickname, strongly urge you to learn all the tools of the trade of teen social media. It's downright scary.
And don't think your kid isn't on some of the things you've heard 'bad' things about simply b/c you don't see it on her home page/screen. Icons can be hidden, easily.

Snapchat doesn't save videos. (They are not unrecoverable through legal means... what's out there is always potentially out there... but the recipient doesn't retain the pic on their device--although they are likely to screenshot it. Teens screenshot EVERYTHING. They even screen shot text conversations that one of the parties assumes to be private and shares copies of it with other people... all. the. time. But I don't think Snapchat even has videos. Pretty sure it is still-shot pics only.)

But please, please... since you now know your daughter has engaged in risky and illegal behavior, that was also stupid, get her phone and LOOK AT IT. ALL OF IT.

Open every app, every picture category, every sent folder, every everything. Try not to be shocked at what you find. You probably have zero idea how many girls send sexts to boys. It is rampant. Not every girl does it, but don't assume that yours is one who doesn't. LOOK at her phone.
I hope you have her password(s). If not, ask for her phone and then have her write down or tell you her passwords (after you have her phone in hand, so she can't surreptitiously delete anything while she is opening apps for you).
And her own phones picture albums.

I went through my teen son's phone a few weeks ago (after a not so different incident--didn't involve alcohol though) and I was appalled and disgusted by what girls send to boys and the language some of them use.

Open your eyes. Go through her phone. Now is the perfect opportunity to do so without worrying about "breaking her trust"... because she has already broken yours with the alcohol. Even if she claims she didn't have any, she didn't call you to come get her, did she?

14 moms found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

I won't repeat what most have said. But here is one thing: there is something your daughter isn't telling you. A video on snapchat can't be forwarded to NHS. It doesn't work that way. Something else happened.

In addition to keeping closer track of your daughter, I suggest you learn a bit about social media so you can teach your daughter to be smart when using it.

13 moms found this helpful


answers from Wichita on

Just wanted to comment on the whole "is it the school's business?" debate going on out there...

I am NOT a lawyer, but I have completed my Master's degree in Educational Administration. That means that if I choose, I could become a school administrator (principal) some day. I mention this only because we are required to go through School/Case Law courses as a part of earning this degree, and case law has very clearly defined the role of the school in this regard. I did complete my degree 8 years ago, and thus, things could have changed since then, but I'm pretty sure they haven't.

Here's what we were taught: *****If an incident involving a student happens off campus, and the school is notified in any way, shape, or form (phone call, letter, students are talking about it in class, etc.), It now LEGALLY becomes the obligation of the school to address it. IF the school does NOT address it, and something else happens, the student(s) involved are now legally able to sue the school for not acting on that information (AND case law has shown that this has happened in the past to set this precedence). So, like it or not, once the school found out about it, the school had a legal obligation to address this issue.

Also, I really don't buy into the whole 'kids will be kids; kids will screw up; let's teach them to drink responsibly; etc.' way of thinking. Here's why. Throughout childhood there are certain things that are appropriate for children to learn at certain ages. This should be based on the maturity of the child, and obviously, laws should be followed, as well. For example, I don't sit my four year old (or even my seven year old) down and watch horror movies with them "as a family" to help prepare them for the fear that they might experience when they watch horror movies when they're older. That would be completely inappropriate and not fitting to their maturity level, nor would it do anything to help them...even if I'm sitting in the room right beside them. Dorky example, I know.

Here's a high school example: Some parents think that if they just teach their children how to drink responsibly by SUPERVISING the drinking, then the kids will be fine. After all, 'all teenagers' drink at some point or another, right? Well, that would be like me saying, "Hmmm...'all teenagers' are going to want to experiment with sex, so I should SUPERVISE a sex party for my teenagers and their friends so that they can learn about sex in a controlled environment. I could even provide a basket of condoms and talk to them about safe sex. Legally, they don't have to be 21 to have sex (like they do to drink). They're going to try it anyway, right?" WRONG. I would hope that you would think I am absolutely insane for even suggesting such a ridiculous notion. That is how ridiculous the notion of 'supervising' underage drinking parties is to me. Educating your children about drinking, drugs, sex, etc. is important, and please do educate your children about it! However, understand that your child shouldn't have to _________(drink, have sex, take drugs, etc.) to understand that there is a time, place, and age for certain things to happen...and their teenage years are not that time.

*ETA Response to Dana K.

I absolutely agree that it is important to educate our children on drinking and sex. Please see the last two sentences of my original post. However, please do not put words in my mouth.

Some of the questions that you bring up were not ones that I addressed in my post, and thus, it is mere assumption that you would think I would feel a certain way.

In the US we may be an exception in having a drinking age of 21; however, numerous reputable sources have shown that the human brain has not fully developed until the early 20s. Other numerous reputable sources have also shown that alcohol consumed in the teenage years can damage the immature brain, leaving long term and irreversible damage.

One of the first areas of the brain affected by drinking is the central nervous system, which controls speech, vision, hearing, reaction time, MEMORY, and causes HAZY THINKING. So it is almost comical when parents think that supervising a drinking party is going to help "teach" the teenager how to drink responsibly. Hmmm...if their memory is impaired and they have hazy thinking, I'm not too sure that the teenager is truly registering the learning that is supposed to be going on. Also, there is a huge difference between drinking parties and allowing your child to have a sip of wine or drinking a beer in front of your child. It is LEGAL for an adult at age 21 or higher to consume alcohol. Parents should not worry about hiding reasonable drinking from their children. It only becomes a forbidden fruit when you make it one. We wear seat belts in our car. We do it because numerous studies have shown that seat belts can be life saving, and because wearing a seat belt is required by law. We don't NOT wear seat belts on some occasions just to show our kids what it is like, and we don't make NOT wearing seat belts a forbidden fruit. We wear our seat belts...that's just how it is!

Furthermore, if we want to talk about the age old argument of being able to join the armed forces at age 18 vs. not being able to drink at age 18 (which, by-the-way, I never once implied that an 18 year old is still a 'child'), at least the decision to join the armed forces at age 18 is one where the central nervous system isn't impaired (unless, of course, the 18+ year old adult is drinking at the time that they sign up to join the armed forces). Although, I will say that I work with right under 200 students in my classroom EVERY day, and I do not feel that some of my 18 year olds were truly ready to sign up for the armed forces. That is a huge decision for anyone to make!

Finally, with regards to sex education and birth control, my original example specifically mentioned a 'sex party' for teenagers and the mention of a basket of condoms was sarcastically meant to 'excuse' the allowing of a sex party. I fully agree that teenagers need to be educated on sex, and we want our kids to know that they can come to us at any age, for any question, and we will be there to provide guidance and support.

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answers from Miami on

The problem with your husband's attitude, and people like him, is that THIS is why so many people don't take their responsibilities seriously. To them, bad behavior is always "someone else's fault" and instead of sucking it up and admitting to ONES SELF that the "buck stops here", a lifetime of passing the buck is what they do.

Your husband is incredibly short-sighted. What would he say if she had sex and got pregnant? Would it be all the boy's fault? NO responsibility of hers? What if she posted nude pictures and they ended up online? Not her fault either? Everyone else's?

Your husband needs to wake up and smell the coffee. Yes, teens do stupid stuff. But that doesn't matter. There are consequences to bad behavior and poor judgment. You get caught shoplifting and it goes on your record? You lose job opportunities for the rest of your days. Whose fault is THAT? Would your husband rail against this too? Sexting goes all over the internet. What if she were cyber-bullying and a kid committed suicide over it? Would he feel like it's "unfair" that the dead kid's family is upset with the bullying?

Your daughter needs to OWN UP to her mistake. She needs to be sorry for her actions, and contrite. She should ask for a meeting with the Powers That Be and ask for forgiveness and forebearance. She should accept their decision with grace and dignity.

I'll tell you, S., I'd have a huge private fight with my husband if he talked like this in front of my kid. It would be massive. He is just ASKING for his daughter to adopt the "NOT MY FAULT" attitude for LIFE this way.

Stick to your guns. And DON'T let her "quit". We ALL have to "take our medicine" in life. Pretending it away does her NO favors.

13 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

I've been through some of this - not the same exactly. My advice is absolutely NOT to adopt the nonchalance your husband feels. Don't have her just quit the NHS. Have her go through th process and face the music. It's a life lesson and will do more than you can possibly imagine to prevent future incidents.

What neither of you are talking about is the risk of alcohol poisoning among those who were drinking. When my son was a freshman in college, he had some friends over our house during a vacation break. The kids had always hung out in our basement, often using the basement entrance. In high school, I would stop down on occasion with food/drinks and do a quick scan for forbidden substances. In college, I didn't pay attention late at night - my husband and I went to bed, and unbeknownst to us, one of the kids had invited some other friends from his college (unknown to us) who snuck in with beer and vodka. My son thought he was doing the responsible thing by taking all their car keys. When we got up in the morning, there was a note slipped under our door saying that a bunch of kids slept over and what rooms they were in. I quickly realized that there was more than one hangover, and my husband found all the liquor in the basement. My son thought he was being so smart and responsible - but he did not realize that letting these kids go to sleep was incredibly dangerous. Do they probably drink at college? Yes. But at our house, we were responsible and liable under the Social Host laws. Huge judgment error and it took us many weeks and a lot of penalties to get that through to him.

And for us, we had no issues with this being on the internet. Your daughter was not that fortunate. So her indiscretion is highly public.

So I'm not sure you, your husband, and your daughter have faced that possibility.

Read this: http://www.thejewishnews.com/2015/01/15/tragic-reality/
My neighbor was college friends with the mother of Josh, the first person mentioned in this article. Good kid….now he's dead.

My advice is to schedule a meeting with the school resource officer - you, your husband, and your daughter. And have a real talk about the problems involved and what parents do/don't do to help the situation. It's an incredible education for your daughter. We did this when our son got in a little trouble in middle school (just being inappropriate on a field trip bus) - I can tell you it was very sobering (no pun intended) to go to the police station and meet with an officer very dedicated to teens, understanding of their needs and foibles, and concerned for their welfare. If your husband won't go, do it without him, but if you can call the RO and ask him to call you and your husband and request your appearance, that would be great!

Your husband has no idea of the effect this is going to have on your daughter - he has his head in the sand, and it's going to come back to bite you all when her college chances are affected. Handling it responsibly will ensure her good standing with teachers who will write recommendations.

Please do this the right way. It's worth it in every way.

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answers from St. Louis on

I am having a real problem with the whole as teenagers often do... No, they don't. The other thing is someone was video taping it? Then snapchat to someone they don't like? Did you not raise this child with even a shred of common sense?

I am lucky, I have raised those oddly good kids who didn't drink until college, one not even until she was 21. Still if one of those two did this the full out lecture would not have been about the drinking but I had no idea my child was dumb as a box of rocks! You don't break laws and video tape it!! You don't let a person video tape you that is dumb enough to send it to someone they don't life. More than anything you don't hang out with kids that have less common sense than you do!

Yes the school, national honor society have every right and duty to do what they did. I really don't think her friends are telling the truth though. Snapchat deletes everything within seconds. Anyway, be glad the law isn't involved.

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answers from Washington DC on

if your husband doesn't care about NHS standards, why doesn't he just push to have her quit it?
it doesn't sit well with me that he's okay with her enjoying the perks of NHS status but doesn't think she should have to deal with their parameters.
while i agree that sometimes teenagers do stupid things and it's not the end of the world, i'd take a very dim view of this little stunt, and i'd be coming down hard on it. this would entail some serious lock-down for enough time to have an impact, like a month. and i'd take advantage of having her available with no internet or social activities to have some serious, grown-up discussions about boundaries and accountability.
it also bugs me that you felt it pertinent to throw in the little snippet about the girl who took the video. since she's 'disliked by most' and she ratted out the others, you're subtly inferring that she's the villain and your daughter has been victimized by her.
knock it off. the other chickie's popularity has zero bearing on the simple fact that instead of saying 'no thanks, i don't want to drink', your daughter chose not only steal from her friend's parents, but to party it up and tape it. unless she's extremely stupid, the possibility of that tape being seen by someone had to cross her mind. and more than cross it- when teens tape something, they really really want someone else to see it.
your husband's laissez-faire attitude isn't helpful, and yours could be a good bit more forbidding too. your daughter isn't a degenerate or a criminal- she's a good girl who made a really stupid choice. now YOUR choice should not be to give her zero consequences.

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answers from Danville on

I have so many mixed emotions regarding this. I am glad that the 'bulk' of my kids did not have all of the social media around when they were 'adolescing' (I know...it is not a word, but you get my drift. And, it SHOULD be a word! lol).

I think back to MY high school days. I was a GREAT kid. Good grades, active with theatre, music and sports.

I did some things, outside of school, that would make my parent's hair curl even NOW if they knew. These 'things' were learning opportunities though. And learn I did. I am just glad no one was there to capture my transgressions live...and then report ME to the NHS (and I was a member).

I am interested to hear what other folks have to say.

These are confusing times I think. And if *I* am confused as an adult...do adolescents stand a chance?


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answers from Boston on

I'm with you, sort of. I don't buy the "kids will be kids" nonchalance that you seem to have. My two oldest are 17 & 16. If they were in your daughter's shoes, their NHS dismissal would be the least of their worries. My son would be barred from hockey from the rest of the season, my daughter would be excluded from other activities as well, which is just fine because neither one of them would be leaving the house again for a long, long time.

Sorry but your husband's attitude is flat out idiotic, and you sound rather permissive as well.

ETA: yeah also not buying the SnapChat video share. You can view a SnapChat video once, there is no saving it and forwarding. You can screen capture pictures in SC and save and send those around, but not a video. Not that it matters, really, but you might want to hunt down where exactly that video is posted and who else has seen it, because it's out there.

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answers from San Francisco on

I think she should face natural consequences with the NHS. That's how they learn.

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answers from Seattle on

what has YOUR reaction been at home?
Your daughter should not quit the NHS. She should stay and suck it up and accept her consequences. If one of them is that she gets kicked out, so be it. But she needs to stay and see that her behavior has caused her consequences. Letting her quit just lets her get away with it.
I have to say, your attitude about this IS very nonchalant. "As teenagers often do" "I understand most teenagers will try stupid things" I have to say, I am also confused about this girl that you say everyone dislikes. Why does that hold any weight with what your daughter did?
Not only was this stupid, this was dangerous.
I get it. Our teens ARE stupid. But how you deal with this will set her up for the rest of high school and college. If you both just allow it and hold a "wait and see" attitude she isn't going to think this is a big deal. The last thing you want is for her to go off to college, get drunk, have someone videotape her, and have her either get violated or do something ridiculously dumb.

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answers from Washington DC on

Do not allow her to quit. First, you do not even know yet that expulsion from NHS would happen, so if she quits -- and it turns out they would not have expelled her after all -- she has shot herself in the foot, basically.

More importantly, she should have to experience the consequence of being expelled, if that's what is going to happen, rather than being allowed to circumvent that by getting to say, "You can't fire me, I quit."

I agree with what Amber C. and CoMoMom post below. The rules that CoMoMom reprints here don't say a word about "this only applies if you get caught." And as Amber says based on her training, administrators are taught that they cannot unsee what they've seen, or unlearn what they've learned: When they have this kind of information on a student, they have to do something with it.

I think you are right to hold your daughter to the standard that SHE signed off on when she joined NHS.

Please be sure to talk with your daughter about how it is better that she find out now, this way, that her every move can be broadcast to the world, than to find it out when she is applying for a job someday and some online photos of her end up making an employer say, no thanks. In fact, if this other girl chose, this video of the drinking could already be online for the world to see. (Just because she posted it on Snapchat, that does not mean she doesn't have this video in other forms or other locations online.) That includes summer employers; teachers; friends, enemies; friends' parents who might decide she's not a great influence for their kids any more; her church....This is her time to learn that these days, the world is present when she and her buddies are doing something indiscreet or stupid. The days of "teens will make their teen mistakes" is never over, but now it includes potentially losing NHS membership, scholarships, places in college, jobs. Parents can complain all we like about how kids' supposed growing pains shouldn't affect them in school or at jobs or when they apply for things, but the reality is that now, what people do follows them publicly in ways we parents never experienced.

Your husband needs to see some articles about how what used to be teen indiscretions now cost teens, and adults, a lot more than a headache the next day.

One other thing: This isn't just about being caught and recorded for the world to see. I hope your daughter and husband aren't just focusing on the girl who took and sent the video and saying the fault is all that girl's. That would let your daughter off the hook for her behavior that took place regardless of the camera being present. She chose not to leave a situation she knew was wrong.

I feel for you. She's clearly a good student or she wouldn't be in NHS, and this may be her first real transgression like this, and it's biting her much harder than she realized it ever could. But you are doing the right thing to take it seriously and not nonchalantly. Your husband needs to get on the same page and accept that yes, the school and NHS can indeed make an issue of this.

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answers from Denver on

I sincerely applaud your attitude about this. You are teaching your daughter that choices lead to consequences, and she'll have to accept what they are. I'm impressed!

I do understand that your husband is probably upset that you have a good kid who made a mistake, and is hating to see that she could lose her NHS spot because of this. I get it. But it won't teach her anything. And as others will tell you, schools have suspended kids from sports and many other things for things done off campus. I guess I think of it this way- if your child was being cyberbullied, you'd be grateful that the school can intervene even if it's done off campus. This is the other side of that.

It sounds like either way, your daughter will be ok- in large part due to the responsible way you are handling this. She has to accept any consequence given, but this doesn't have to define her or change how you feel about her, and she can learn from it.

I hope it turns out ok. When will kids learn that nothing good comes from recording things on their phones!!!

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answers from Pittsburgh on

This is why children should learn to drink with their families. Responsibly. In a social context where drinking is part of life, not the goal itself. Because the real issue is these kids were potentially in danger of alcohol poisoning if not drinking and driving. Children can and will do stupid things. The safer we make it for them to learn, the better the chance that they will survive into adulthood. That means watching out for them. It means NOT making the consequences of drinking so onerous (losing a college admission for example) that they continue to hide and drink in a patently unsafe way.

Personally I don't think it is the school's business or the NHS's either. She shouldn't be drunk at the NHS induction or any of their functions. But beyond that, not their business.

I didn't drink in high school but plenty of my friends did. Many of them also had sex. They were all in National Honor Society. They all went on to college and they are all successful adults today (happily few of us had cars so driving drunk just wasn't an issue). I don't see how punishing them back then would have helped them in any way at all. And having parents that recognize that kids have always made stupid decisions, do so today and will do so in the future is not permissive parenting. It is recognizing that kids today are no smarter than we were.

ETA @AmberC

It is important to teach kids to drink responsibly. We are the exception in this country of having a drinking age of 21. Many countries have no drinking age and ours used to be 18 - the age of many high school kids. Do you truly believe that an 18 year old child (as you see them) should be able to join the armed forces and make a decision to risk his/her life? Yet that same person is not old enough to drink a beer? Teaching children to drink responsibly does NOT mean hosting a kegger for them. It means showing them what having wine with dinner looks like, what having a beer at a barbecue looks like. NOT that falling over drunk and puking is the end result of a party.
Binge drinking is the big issue with high school and college age kids. This is hugely worsened by presenting alcohol as a completely forbidden fruit, rather than as a part of regular life.

As to sex- yes it would be beneficial to provide your teenagers who are having sex with education and birth control. My mom took me to get birth control when I was 17 and I discussed with her the possibility of having sex. Wouldn't you rather be open enough to talk about sex with your kids so they are comfortable coming to you for help. Making contraception available to kids is NOT crazy - it is protecting them from what could be lifelong consequences. They will have sex (always have, always will). They don't have to have babies or diseases.

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answers from Chicago on

Your husband is quite ignorant to how this works nowadays. Your daughter seems to be a handful in the past so this probably isn't a surprise. Problem is your husbands lazy parenting isn't helping any.

If this were my daughter I would take away her phone, have a family discussion about videos, drinking, social media, etc. I also would have her write a letter apologizing to NHS and the parents that she stole alcohol from.

Good luck with your daughter and your husband too

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Williamsport on

I'm with you on this. You don't need to see eye to eye. Hold your ground on this, mamma. Your daughter will respect you for it.

You just gave me a flashback to a special on PBS about a syphillis (sp?) outbreak in a small town (tangent I know) ANYWAY, the COMMON complaint among all the teens interviewed who had been partying their ___es off and getting into trouble was that their parents DIDN'T CARE. Meanwhile, the same parents were interviewed, and said they were only trying to nice and understanding of things. Some were not home much because of work and stuff, but most were "just being cool" about the trouble the kids were getting into, drinking, etc. The kids read it as: "My parents don't care what I do".

You don't want her to think you don't care. You do care. Good job.

My daughter would be having consequences at home in addition to from the NHS. Kids that age DO know better.

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answers from San Antonio on

Part of NHS involves the character outside of the classroom, so it is standard that those kids are held to the standards of the society outside of the school day. As our NHS sponsors always say, the students in NHS are representatives of the school and the program. If students are caught drinking in social media posts or busted parties, they are typically kicked out of NHS, and no longer a member of the group.

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answers from Lakeland on

Since she wasn't drinking at the school or during school hours I don't see how it is any of their business. Take a look at how many members of congress have broken the law and they still have jobs (along with so many other politicians, etc.).

After reading some of the responses I don't want anyone to think that your daughter should "get off" for drinking under age. She should be punished because it is illegal, but her punishment should be coming from you and your husband not the school.

The biggest problems with America's youth is that a lot of parents blow off what their kids are doing (no not all teens drink, smoke or use drugs) and expect the school or someone else to give the punishment or consequences. The other problem is that the school systems and government should not be raising your children (nanny state), that's your job.

Is it that you would rather the school hand down her punishment so you don't seem like the bad guy?

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answers from Chicago on

Your daughter should accept the consequences and not quit. This is a life lesson and a teachable moment about so many things (i.e. technology use, underage drinking, etc.). Teens who do not accept the fall out for their negative behavior and bad decision making grow into adults who do not accept responsibility or the outcomes. She should ride out the consequences. If she quits, then she will develop a mindset that when things get uncomfortable or hard, I'll just quit. That is not a healthy attitude.

Agree to disagree with your hubby on this one.The NHS has a right to take action if they feel their policy or ethics has been breached.

And yes this is a big deal, your underage daughter was drinking alcohol. Would he be more upset if she was caught on video doing drugs? It's all the same animal. The focus seems to be more on the NHS issue than the drinking. The drinking is the bigger issue, I think. Talk to your daughter about that.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

Well it's normal for parents not to see eye to eye on every single issue, isn't it?
So agree to disagree, and let it go.
As far as your daughter goes, yep, she lives in a whole new era, and she WILL face the consequences of her choices, no matter what you or your husband thinks. While I don't condone underage drinking, drug use or sex, I certainly feel sorry for kids today. I mean, back in the day, of course you could get a disease or get pregnant, but now, in addition to that, you can also get kicked out of school, off of clubs or teams, lose scholarships, internships, jobs, etc.
It's going to be interesting to see how this kind of stuff plays out in the next generation...

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

You know, unfortunately she is facing a real life consequence that is pretty big right now. She signed on to the NHS agreeing to their rules. While it may not seem fair, it is life. I can't go out and do things against the code of my company and expect that just because it was on my off hours that I won't be penalized. I'd much rather be kicked out of a club than lose my job.

So I think it's just a hard lesson for her to learn. And for you and your husband too. Parenting is hard, and often times we don't agree 100% on everything we do with our kids. Sometimes we are right, and sometimes we are wrong. In this situation, it doesn't matter too much what either of you think because the NHS will be handing out the punishment.

I would also advise your daughter going forward that she is growing up in a time of technology. Everything she says or does has the ability to be posted somewhere and effect her one way or another. Times are way different than even 10 years ago with social media - and some kids are flat out mean.

Good luck.

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answers from New York on

This is the world we live in now - everything is taped/photographed and is sent everywhere. So the NHS saw it and is punishing her - she broke the rules and was found out. Stick to your guns and let her take the consequences and learn from them.

In addition, you should punish otherwise you are condoning the behavior. It doesn't have to be something major - but if you let her get away with this, she will further test her limits. IMO, you should be PISSED that she did something stupid like drink, be angry that she was taking part in snapchat with liquor and be extremely angry that she is in trouble with the NHS.

Good luck!

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answers from Oklahoma City on

I don't think things done at home should be considered in any way at the school unless they are involved in a court case.

People all over the world put wine in their kids glasses at dinner time. I wouldn't but I know some people do. It might not be more than a few sips but still.

You are right, kids do make mistakes and this is just one of those things.

I'd suggest everyone reading this post please talk to your kids about drinking alcohol. Kids don't realize that one drink can do them in. They think they should drink like on TV with shot after shot.

Kids can die from alcohol poisoning. Even 2 drinks can be too much for their system.

Please tell them that they can die from drinking alcohol and to just say no.

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answers from Las Vegas on

I am on both sides of the fence. I don't agree with the school being in your business, however, your daughter agreed to a program that disagrees with drinking. There had to be some sort of adult assisting with this decision. Was there an agreement that outlined their expectations? I am sure you didn't expect her to be caught on camera drinking, but now you have to face their discipline.

Here is my tid-bit on being nonchalant about drinking at a young age. My sister allowed her children to drink in front of her and her husband or let's use her word "party". Sure it was all fun and cool, but now she is divorced and her grown kids still "party" with their dad. Now she's mad. Well...that's what happens.

So drinking in front of your parents is not going to make you drink any more or less, but setting the right example might help.

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answers from Chicago on

If it were a sport instead of NHS, your daughter would most likely be kicked off the team. At least that's what would happen if she went to my daughter's school. The kids know if they are at a party where alcohol is being served they had better get themselves out of the situation because there is zero tolerance for that if you're in a sport.

Just because your daughter's misstep didn't happen on school grounds doesn't mean the school has no interest in it. I totally agree with you, but I doubt you can change your husband's mind on this. I think it's just going to be an area where you two don't agree. Whether she quits or is dropped from NHS is irrelevant. She's out either way.


answers from Dover on

It didn't happen at school and therefore the school should not be involved. NHS has every right to hold it's members to a higher standard. Had it not been video recorded and snapchatted, it would be a non-issue but it was. I think your daughter has to suffer the consequences of her actions regarding NHS. She should not quit but rather accept whatever punishment they dole out.

You should punish her as you see fit regarding her drinking (if you do).

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