Teenage Daughter Pregnant

Updated on January 28, 2014
K.P. asks from New London, PA
35 answers

My daughter Sarah is sixteen and we recently found out that she was pregnant with her 17 year old boyfriend of 3 years. My husband found out first, and was furious and demanded her to get an abortion. I personally don't believe in abortion, and I just want the baby to be happy and healthy. I'm actually very excited about having another bundle of joy in our household besides the fact of her age. I want to calm down and reason with my hubby and try to make him realize that this is our daughter and she's going through a rough time in her life and It won't make it better by him yelling at her to abort this new life inside of her.

I strongly support and encourage her decision to bring this baby into the world.

She is now 3 months pregnant and she is starting to get the signs of pregnancy (vomiting, mood swings ,ect.)

What should I do to reason with my hubby? Also, should we keep her I school during this pregnancy? I'm scared she's going to be bullied like I've seen many cases online. Thank you! Please help me in our decisions and reasonings.

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So What Happened?

Reading everyone's comments-- thank you by the way-- I forgot to mention a few situations with my family and my daughters soon to be family.

My daughter absolutely wants to keep the baby, and so does the father of her baby. He was the one who discussed with her what they want to do in the future with this expected baby.

I am keeping in mind counseling, because of the suggestions you guys have told me.

I am not trying to control my daughter's decision, I was just trying to state that I support and encourage what ever my daughter thinks to do with her life.

Thank you for suggestions, answers, and support.

Featured Answers



answers from Harrisburg on

I recently heard a woman on the radio talking about abortion. She had one over 20 years ago and said she has regretted it EVERY DAY OF HER LIFE since then. There is much research over the emotional trauma associated with abortion. Her relationship with her father will never be the same if he talks her into this.

That said...I had a really difficult first child. He was hard and I was in my 30's when he was born!!! There's no way I could have done it at 16. Is adoption an alternative for her?

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answers from Detroit on

What does SHE want? She may need a really realistic idea of what to expect. Too many kids today think of a baby as a play thing. Yes, they are sweet. Yes, many young moms have the best of intentions. But the reality is it is HARD WORK to be a parent. I am not saying it can't work, but she needs a realistic view.

Adoption is a very real option. I have an aunt who in the early 70's put her baby up for adoption. There was no communication. I don't even know if there were "open adoptions" like now. Her daughter contacted her shortly after she turned 18. They have a great relationship and she grew up in a much better situation than she would have if my aunt had kept her. Adoption is the ultimate gift of love for your child.

There are so many different types of adoption now. I have several friends that have adopted and are so grateful to the birth parents and have no problems with updates.

Your husband needs time to process, but you are right. Yelling and shaming are not the right path. I don't know how to get through tohim. hopefully time will help.

And YES, she stays in school. No matter what path she chooses she MUST have her education to back her up.

11 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

Explore adoption even if just to educate yourselves about it. Her options aren't simply to parent or abort.

If she is going to be a parent, your daughter must continue and finish her education. Work with the school to come up with a support plan. When I taught high school, there were usually 8-12 pregnant girls a year in a school population of less than 2000. There was some ostracism, but not anything openly hostile or violent. To be honest, the other girls just acted like pregnancy was either cute or catching and acted accordingly.
We encouraged girls who were expectant or parenting to make a plan to complete their education in as few years as possible. This can be done by taking extra classes each semester or earning credit by exam. I saw several girls take 2 extra courses before giving birth and then use home and hospital teachers to finish a regular course load after delivery. Usually a doctor can write a note that the girl needs to stay home through the end of the school year and this way, your daughter can get home & hospital teaching. She can begin this now due to the morning sickness.
You and your husband will need to be grandparents to the baby not parents, unless you plan to formally adopt.
Have your daughter and the baby's father develop a formal parenting plan that includes who cares for the baby when and what each will contribute financially. There are free templates online, but often there are people at the pro se office at the courthouse or child support office who can help you.

11 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

So your daughter is pregnant and you are excited about having another bundle of joy in the household? Reality check is needed. Chances are that she and the boyfriend will not stay together. So is she prepared to go to court to set up visitations, child support, medical decisions, etc? How will she feel when she has to study for a test but the baby is up all night with an earache? Or when she has concert tickets and the baby is vomiting and needs his/her mama?

The romantic notion of having a baby is great but the amount of work involved is overwhelming for adults who have the financial and emotional stability to raise a child. Your daughter and the boyfriend should talk with a therapist now to work through everything having to do with this pregnancy. An outside point of view will hopefully bring clarity to this situation.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

This is not for you and your husband to decide. This is not your baby, not your bundle of joy. Your 16 year old daughter may become a mother. Your whole post is about what you want and what your husband wants. What does your daughter want? Does she want to have a baby, possibly give up her education, her friends, her dating life, force a very young man into having to support a child instead of going off to college, stuck in a life of low income jobs? Is she even aware of her options? You don't have decisions to make about this. If your daughter is maybe having a baby, it's time for her to woman up and start acting like an adult and making her own decisions. She should be discussing this with her medical caregiver and perhaps a social worker or therapist, and with the father of the baby, who will be legally responsible for this child if your daughter goes ahead with the pregnancy and keeps the baby. I do not believe that pregnant girls are bullied in school. Being pregnant just means that you had sex, these are not the days when it's shocking that a teen has been sexually active. For some teens, it increases their status.
Perhaps you all need a conference with her doctor (you, husband, daughter, boyfriend) and perhaps some family counselling for everyone to deal with their feelings and what is going to happen.
If it was MY daugher, I would NOT be excited if she was going to become a mom at age 16. I would want her to become a parent when she was a real adult, after she finished receiving her education and got to live as a single adult only responsible for herself, to travel, have relationships and experiences before parenthood.

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answers from Miami on

Well, your husband doesn't get a vote in this. He cannot make his daughter have an abortion. You need to tell him shut the hell up and get over himself.

However, you need to stop being "happy" about another "bundle of joy" in the household. This is NOT your baby. Your husband has already raised a family and he is NOT interested in going through this again in his home. Your unbridled joy is inappropriate.

Your daughter has some planning to do. She needs to start understanding point blank that life is going to be different now. She will need to actually take care of her child. NOT expect you to be the mother and her to be the sister. Not expect you to pay for everything. No parties. No dances. No going out with friends. The boy needs to go get a job and start buying diapers for the baby. She also needs to realize that the boyfriend will probably walk away. What does she think? That they'll end up married and live happily ever after? The odds are astronomical that it WON'T happen. She needs to finish school, too. There is usually an alternative school for pregnant teens - the school district will tell you what she needs to do there.

Your daughter has NO idea just how she has hurt herself here. She is still a CHILD. She had no business getting pregnant. She needs to be considering adopting this baby out. NO DOUBT part of the reason she isn't considering it is because of your excitement. There are couples out there who are trying desperately to get pregnant. They are able to provide a wonderful home with financial support and they are ADULTS, not children mooching off their parents, having babies.

Stop making this easy on your daughter. You also need to understand that she could just walk away from the responsibility of this child and leave him/her with YOU. Your husband vehemently wants a life without a baby. You may end up ALONE with your daughter and grandchild without him. Sit down and discuss the possibility of adoption with her and take yourself wanting a grandchild OUT of the picture.

I have a dear friend who was unable to have children. After years of trying and unsuccessful IVF, they decided to try to adopt. It was a 16 year old girl and her 16 year old boyfriend. My friend and her husband met with both of them. Thankfully there were no drugs involved. They adopted the baby right after she was born, and sent pictures for many years of this child to the birth mother. This baby is now a freshman in college and a wonderful young woman.

Your daughter needs to stop just thinking about the "coolness" of a baby. You need to stop thinking about how wonderful it will be to be a grandmother. Your daughter needs to grow up and have a normal life FOR NOW that includes high school graduation, college, marriage and THEN babies.

Get her to a counselor. There is still a chance that these kids will figure out that they are NOT cut out to be parents if you aren't promising them the moon to keep the child.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

I'm not sure why people are assuming that you are forcing her to keep the baby or that you are making these decisions for her. I didn't get that from your post. What I did catch is that as upsetting as the situation obviously is, whats done is done and you are choosing to support your daughter and her child. Kuddos to you on that because she is going to need your support now more than ever. As far as your husband...he is absolutely entitled to be upset. This is his baby girl and she has made a horrible choice that will result in a complete change of what he saw as his daughter's future. I would be upset also. Maybe you all need to sit down and talk. Let him get out his anger (with words of course, nothing physical or that is another issue completely) and you can help him to accept this situation that is happening with your family. Be understanding of his feelings and be prepared to walk away from your discussion knowing that he is still not able to accept it. It may take some time for him to calm down. This is a heavy situation and a burden on him to now support another child in his house. I'm not sure of your financial situation, but if money is tight for you now, this is just adding another layer of stress to your finances.

As far as keeping her in school...absolutely! She's made one bad decision by having sex and getting pregnant, don't allow her to make another one by throwing her education away. That would make a bad situation even worse. As far as bullying is concerned...it will be a great lesson in how to deal with it. As a teenaged mother, she WILL encounter bullies one way or another, so she will need to learn to deal with it and move on. At this point in her life, she has so many other things to worry about than what others think of her (her child, her education, her future, etc.).

Good luck to you and hopefully you and your household will eventually be able to find peace and enjoy the love and laughter that this child will bring to your lives.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

I think this is a time when it would do your family well to receive counseling, as well as counseling for you and your husband, as a couple and for your daughter on her own.

You said that you are supporting and encouraging your daughter for her decision. That's great, just make sure this IS entirely her decision. This is why I think counseling would help, by the way, is so that she understands that ultimately, this is up to her. And your husband and you will both need to find a way to both support her while making boundaries, and figuring out how to live with her--and forgive her-- because her decision is likely to disappoint either your husband or yourself. I have seen these sorts of situations handled badly, and the kids involved are not thriving. They have very reluctant parents; the grandparents are often more involved in raising the child and are also a bit resentful-- I think-- about it.

If you do decide to pull her out of school, do it with some deep consideration and talk with the school counselor or advisor about this and about her educational options and what sort of support the school will offer if she stays enrolled there. Let her be part of this decision. If she is mature enough to be a parent, she needs to take ownership of her life in regard to her education. Part of being a parent is dealing with hard situations, and it will be better for her to participate in these discussions than to make those choices for her.

I don't know your family situation, you mention nothing of the boy's intentions or his family's position in regard to the pregnancy. All of these things very clearly factor into any decision-making processes. Your husband may be concerned about the economic burden another child, period, would place on the family. I think it's important to listen with open ears and acknowledge his concerns when you are both able to talk calmly about this. Some young people rise to the occasion, embrace the added responsibility of parenting and progress in their growth into adulthood; I've also seen some alarming situations where the teen parents have stayed in a 'forever teen' state for a long, long time. For all of these reasons, I think seeking some outside help in talking about this would be a wise move.

I would also suggest keeping adoption a strong option on the table.Good luck.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Baton Rouge on

Who is going to raise this baby? Your daughter and her boyfriend? You and your husband?
If your daughter wants to have this baby, she needs to be able to support it.
If she can't support it, your husband should not be put in the position of having to raise a baby he never wanted.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

I think what to do about school bullying needs to be a conversation between you, her, and the school. I had a classmate who had a baby senior year and she finished the year with tutoring. She was not bullied, but she struggled with things like sitting in the desks. Teachers let her snack in class to ward off nausea. That sort of thing. Online doesn't = her school.

As for her father, he's been overruled. So if he can't get past it, consider family counseling. I would also want to have a plan for your DD and her BF and how much (or little) you and DH will support them. And how they will support themselves and their child. They may need to do things like sign up for health insurance through the state for their child, or WIC. And part of all that is that I suspect your DH is angry because he doesn't want to be raising another kid...and he shouldn't have to. He may come around if they help themselves.

I also agree that legally speaking things like paternity and custody and child support are important. To protect all of them. My nephew has no formal visitation with his daughter and the mother has done things like take her back if she gets mad at him during one of his weekends. But legally, she can. There's no court order. And his CS isn't based on any formula. It's just a number. So he's potentially getting screwed there, too. And when the child is in school, the dad will need to show he's her legal parent. Etc.

ETA: At this point, she has stated that her daughter doesn't want an abortion and she herself doesn't believe in them. Stating that it's not "too late" is unnecessary. Please stop. She's said that's not on the table. Sometimes being pro-choice is understanding what is not an option for someone and allowing a woman, even a young woman, the right to choose to keep her baby.

There are pros and cons to all choices here and she's going to have to live with some big decisions. Adoption has pros and cons, too, and if they choose to place their child, it again needs to be THEIR choice.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

You are NOT responsible for this new baby. Your daughter is. You need to need to stop thinking of yourself. You need to think of what your daughter wants and not what you and your husband want. Personally, I would NOT encourage my daughter to be get pregnant at such a young age. I would be fine if she was an adult with responsibilities and her education completed. It's not always about what you want, you need to think of your daughter's needs and wants. If she wants to adopt, then it's her decision. If she wants to abort, then it's what SHE WANTS. That's all that matters.

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answers from Reading on

Neither one of you should be deciding what she does with her baby.

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answers from Pittsburgh on

Your husband is right that the best decision for your daughter's future would be abortion (or adoption). The best option for the baby if she chooses to continue the pregnancy, would be adoption. How can it not be better for a child to be raised by a loving, stable, financially capable ADULT couple who really want a child (you have to be all these things to qualify) than by a 16 year old child with or without a 17 year old child maybe helping. IMO - a 16 year old who keeps a baby is selfishly thinking of herself, not the child. Someone old enough to be a mother would consider the child first.

But your daughter has the legal right to keep the child. Since it sounds like that is her plan, I would do my best to make sure she stays in school (her chances of raising a child in poverty are high anyway, her chances go way up without at least a high school education). She also needs parenting classes - perhaps that will help her see the light that this is not all little baby kisses and roses - and maybe reconsider adoption.

As for adding a little bundle of joy to YOUR household. Only if your husband wants one. He has raised his kids and should get a veto here. You contribution should be as the grandmother - loving, visiting and occasional baby sitting. NOT primary caregiver.

If your daughter is old enough to raise a child, she is old enough to live on her own and support herself. And you know what - she is old enough to do none of those things well.

ETA - at 3 months (13-14 weeks) she can have an abortion if she chooses. Fetuses that are aborted because of defects found on amniocentesis are generally aborted at 16-17 weeks.

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answers from Austin on

Priority should be given to what it is she wants to do. Allow her to speak honestly.

She will have to go through this pregnancy and then parent this child. If she is not up to that all options will need to be presented to her so she can once again is her best decision.

You can give your opinion, her boyfriend can give his, your husband can give his .. and get this,, This young mans parents can also have a voice if you and your husband have a voice..

And yes, your husband is allowed to be angry, disappointed, sad, and furious. His daughter is pregnant and she is still a child. This is not what he had hoped for her. Give him time. Men are not like women.. They need to think these things out. They are not going to sit down and talk it out until they have mulled it over for a while. Give him space. His heart is broken, his feelings are hurt, he had envisioned a different outcome for her.

This does not mean daughter has to listen or do anything anyone else says.. , because in the end, she is the mother at this point. She will have to live with her decision and choice.

She still needs to attend school and graduate. No one can get by in this country without at least a High school diploma. She needs to decide how she will make this happen if she keeps the baby.

What are her options education wise? ? She can speak with her guidance counselor when the time comes to make a plan.

She may do well also seeing a therapist to work through all of this. And then you can go as a family to have a safe place to talk about everything.

I am sending you all strength.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Las Vegas on

I went to high school while pregnant. I wasn't bullied. The only people who "bullied" me were adults.

I raised a beautiful baby girl with the help of my parents in the first 3 years and then the support of my mother after that. I moved out nearly the day I was 18. She has gone to school, college, working, now lives on her own, and currently on a wonderful vacation in Thailand sight seeing and scuba diving. She is a very independent girl and traveled out of the U.S. on her own and met up with a couple of people whom she didn't know, but who are friends with one of my cousins.

I didn't have a dad in her life because I was not in a relationship with her father (another story).

Our lives may have not have been perfect, but I am proud of her and happy with my life.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

Wow. I'm sorry that your family is having to go through this. It is great tho that you are being supportive of her. It is also important that your husband come to piece with her decision.

I would also set some guidelines now.
Who will watch the baby while she is at school? (One of our local HS has a childcare at the school as part of their program. Young mothers get free childcare, while they take home-ec classes. This helps keep them in school.)

Who will pay for things for the baby? (our state has a WIC program that will provide food vouchures for pregnant women, and formula for the baby until age 5.)

Visitation and child support. - how much with the boyfriend contribute in the day to day stuff.

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answers from Kansas City on

I totally disagree with Dana K!!! Just because she is 16 does not mean she can't take care of a baby!!! I hate how people automatically say abortion is the best choice because she is 16. If abortion is not what your daughter wants, and she is forced to have it done, it could destroy her emotionally. I understand that your husband is upset, but I hope he realizes that if he forces an abortion, he very easily could lose his daughter forever. She would never forgive him for it, and it would always be the wedge between them. I think in time he will come to terms with it, but right now he's upset and needs to work through his emotions.
As for school, talk to your daughter and see what she wants. I think I would keep her in school just because of the normalcy of it. If she is only 3 months along she most likely won't start to really show for another 3 months. By then school will almost be over for the summer unless they go year round.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Oklahoma City on

I would try and get some professional help. There are many huge decisions coming down the pike. Also, there are many complicating factors to this situation: your daughter is a child, your husband is on a different page, etc. Please get some help to sort this out.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

If she is 3 months along, I'm assuming that she's decided to carry the baby to term. Regardless of whether YOU want a bundle of joy, what does your daughter want? Does she want to keep the baby? Is the father involved, and will he continue to be involved? Are they considering giving the child to adoption?

Talk to your daughter about her options. Find out what she wants. She doesn't need pressure, but she's got some tough decisions to make. What is the best possible decision for everyone involved?

Your husband needs time to calm down. He can "demand" all he wants, but it's her body, so he can't force her. He needs to understand that.

Perhaps talking to the school counselor would be a good idea. She will be due in July, probably, so she should be able to finish out the year. When I was in school 30 years ago, there was a girl in my class who was pregnant. I don't recall her being bullied. Stop reading horror stories online.

Ginger gum, available at CVS and maybe other pharmacies, is good for nausea.

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answers from Washington DC on

she's old enough to get pregnant, she's old enough to decide if she wants to keep the baby or not, even though no one wants a child this young to HAVE to make that decision.
your husband needs to back off. i'm 100% pro-choice. mandating abortion is no better than mandating that women bear against their wills.
it probably doesn't help that you're 'excited about a bundle of joy.' every child should be wanted and welcomed, but this is NOT a typical situation and your husband probably needs to be heard and validated in his fury and disappointment. let him vent to you.
yes, she should stay in school. IF she gets over-the-top bullied you can look at alternatives, but i don't think you should assume it. this is part of the consequences of her choice, and if there's one thing a terribly young mother needs, it's a good education.
good luck to all of you.

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answers from Chicago on

You and your hubby need to let your daughter decide what to do. If she wants to keep it, she should be allowed to. It's great that you support her, she'll need it! You have to decide for yourself about how much involvement you'd like to have. Will she be living with you when she has the baby? Will her boyfriend move in, or will he continue to live with his parents? Who will take care of the baby when they're in school/work? Will your daughter go to college? If she goes away to school, will she take the baby with her? Some colleges have family dorms and offer child care services. Who will be responsible for those increased costs. It's great and all that you're excited for a "new bundle of joy" but there is a lot to think about here.

As for your question regarding staying in school. YES, she should ABSOLUTELY stay in school. The only way she will EVER be able to be independent and provide for this baby on her own is to get an education. Check with the administration regarding their policy. When I was a sophomore in high school, a girl in my grade got pregnant. She was allowed to stay in school until her 7th month, and then had to attend night school until after she had the baby. That was 22 years ago, so things may have changed.

Best wishes!

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answers from Minneapolis on

Good luck to all of you, and best wishes for your expanded family! Yes, there will be some difficulty for your daughter ahead, but then there often is for us adding a baby to our lives at any age. She's lucky to have your support.

I'm sorry about her father's reaction, and in my experience with men, sadly this is not an unusual reaction. I would suggest not focusing overly on his behavior (except for telling him the yelling must stop or he must remove himself from the room!) and that it is likely he will come around on his own in time.

Yes, your daughter should continue in school, just like the rest of us continue living our lives and pursuing our goals while pregnant, unless medical issues prevent us. The realities of legal issues should be addressed and if all involved (and willing) can discuss options and set expectations for how best to handle day-to-day life after baby, then all the better.

I know of many whose lives did not start out planned or in the best of circumstances who have turned out wonderfully in the end and the difference was having caring, involved people in their lives. Not that long ago, pregnancy at this age just meant wedding plans and everyone got on with their lives. We've now made a society where making a living is so hard that an early pregnancy turns into a "crisis" when it wouldn't have to be.

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answers from Los Angeles on

My SIL got pregnant on her 16th birthday by her 18 year old boyfriend. She was able to attend high school while pregnant, and she actually had a few other classmates that got pregnant around the same time. So it was good that she didn't feel like she was the only one who had made a big mistake.

She finished high school, got trained to be a dental hygienist, and 13 years later, finished her business degree. Her son is now almost 14, and he is such a wonderful boy! Such a smart, friendly, and well-adjusted kid. She eventually married the father and they had another child, a daughter.

Things are not perfect for the two of them. I have serious doubts about their marriage lasting much longer. But they are both good parents to their children. None of this would have been possible had both sets of grandparents, siblings, and friends not stepped in to lend a hand.

That is great that you are willing to support and encourage her decision (she did make the decision, right?) to bring this baby into the world. She will need your help. I don't know how much you can reason with your hubby. Whether or not your daughter has the baby is not his decision to make. He can only decide whether or not he is on board with you to help your daughter. You have to ask yourself how willing you will be to choose your daughter and granddaughter over your husband if he doesn't accept this new baby.

Yes, keep your daughter in school. Where I grew up, there were always a few girls in high school who were pregnant. It happens. Make sure she finishes high school and encourage her to get a college degree too. I think she can probably qualify for WIC. There should be other resources for her too. If there is a social worker at her school, they might be able to help her find out what help is available to her, including information about putting the baby up for adoption. Good luck! I wish only the best for your daughter and her baby.

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answers from San Francisco on

My daughter also had her first child at age 16 - been there; done that.

I'm not going to weigh in on keeping or aborting the baby. That is a very personal decision and I make no judgments/have no comments either way except to say that I have had two abortions and do not regret either one. So don't "assume" that abortion will be something she will regret in the future.

As for dad, you're just going to have to give him time. There is nothing you can say or do that is going to soften this for him. He just needs time.

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answers from Los Angeles on

You 100% need to keep your daughter in school. Once you take her out, she won't go back. It'll be hard enough when she has to take time off after the baby is born; don't have her take additional time off before. Keep in mind that most teen moms struggle to finish high school; also many of them have a second baby while still teenagers. So, clearly, she needs some more education about birth control and should probably have something like an IUD inserted later to provide long-term protection.

If you don't believe in abortion, then you need to come up with some real plans about how to make it work. Who is going to care for the baby while your daughter is in school. Will she work to help pay for the baby's needs? Who will watch the baby then? Where will the boyfriend live? How will he be involved? Will they all live with you? With his family? What happens when your daughter wants to go out with her friends on the weekends? You have to make sure that you don't get taken advantage of as a caregiver.

There is A LOT to think about. You have six months (hopefully) to come up with a plan of action.

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answers from Charlotte on

Wow, well i can relate i was pregnant at 16 and now i have a 2 year old. First off the most important thing is to keep her school who cares what the other students think, education is key. And if she lays out through the pregnancy trust me she wont want to go back! If its a serious issue look for alternative schools. & my daddy was ferious too i gave him space and made sure not too take anything he said personal and once we found out we were having a girl and after my boyfriend had a man to man talk to him tention eased. I st think women understand more how hard it is, and realize faster that a pregnancy isn't wrong. The sex was wrong and once shes pregnant the sex already happened.

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answers from Dover on

It is easier for us to give advise when it is not our child going through this. However, your daughter is 16 and will be 17 or close to it by the birth of her baby. NO ONE can make this decision for her....it is her body and her baby and SHE has to live with the decision she makes. If you (or her father) force her to abort this baby, she has to live with that and she will likely HATE you (or him) for the rest of her life if it is not what she wants. Even if she thinks it's what she wants, she may regret it later but if it's not her decision she will hate whomever forced it on her even more.

Check out the laws in your state regarding medical decisions etc. That may help.

As for the family dynamics, you need to calmly talk with your husband about the united front of support that needs to be there (not directing but guiding to help her to make her decision). Counseling for all involved may be a good option...maybe even individually.

Best of luck to your whole family.

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answers from Amarillo on

A family member who had graduated high school became pregnant at 18. She was just starting out and it caused issues at home so she moved in with a sister in another state. When it was time for the baby to be born, the mom and the other sister were with her when the baby was born (boy). The sister had some time with the baby and had contact with the father about the birth It was decided by them to adopt the baby out (open adoption). Counseling was involved and she is doing well.

This holiday season I saw her. She is happy but there is a sadness about her and she is living home again with her family.

Another friend's daughter had a baby in high school and her dad like the one in the post was upset and torn. The father of the baby tried his best to "provide" for the child (girl). They were married but the marriage failed about three years later. Her friends whom she "thought' would support her through thick and thin walked away. She was an honor society member and such.

My son called me while he was in the Army and informed me of my future grandson coming (2/3 way through pregnancy). He had been informed about birth control and such. I asked him what I said to him. He repeated back to me, "If I play, I pay." Which meant his life was not his anymore it belonged to the baby. He "manned" up and has provided for his son including a home which he had built. It was a good thing because the mother had no clues on what to do with a baby. He even became the nurturer which is usually the mother's job. It did change his life and what he wanted to do in life and how he feels about early children.

I made contact with the father of the mother of my grandson. He was surprised that I contacted him. We made it through the rough spots. It was an adjustment on everyone's part. I couldn't be at the birth due to having just had surgery for breast cancer. I told my grandson he was "special" to me. He was what helped me with my choices with my life and treatments. I told him about one day when we were together and he cried.

Moral of the story. Don't go getting all excited about a baby coming when it is not time. Hubby is thinking hard about the "who" is going to provide for a child he did not father. Where is the baby's father in all of this? Where are his parents with this situation? Who is going to care for this life when these two are in school? Who is providing for this child the rest of its life? Sit down with everyone and hash this out. There are two sides to this family to get on board. Adoption may be the best thing for this young family as neither parent is prepared to parent and do it successfully.

Good luck to all of you.

the other S.

PS There are three children to think about in this situation.

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answers from Kansas City on

Well I don't really have any advice other than I would personally keep her in school. There will be plenty of programs for kids like her I'm sure. My sister is going through this too. Her 14 year old son, and his 14 year old "girlfriend" are getting ready for their baby to arrive in 3 weeks. It's a terrible situation, but the only thing you can really do is to accept that it is happening and try to make the best out of it. It is good that you are excited about it, at least your daughter has you for a good support. I cannot blame your husband at all, but maybe when it sinks in a little more he will see things your way. Killing a baby doesn't make everything OK.

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answers from Pittsburgh on

You seem to have a lot of good responses but I would like to lay my story out there as well.

I was not 16 when I had my son but was 19 when I found out I was pregnant and he was born a month before my 20th. Neither of my parents were happy as I had only been with the father for 9 months. I was living with my grandmother and was immediately kicked out. I was told my life was over and I would struggle for the rest of it.

The father and I proved them all wrong. My son is now 11 almost 12. I am now married to his father although it was 8 year later that we finally married. Didn't want to get married unless we knew for sure this is what we wanted. My son was 3 months old when I started college and I can tell you there is no reason that your daughter cannot continue high school and do the same. I did this all without the help of my parents. Yes I was older but still too young to be having children. I can also say it wasnt because of not being smart that I became pregnant. Birth control failed and I wouldn't change it for the world. I have an associates degree in computer aided drafting and am back in school now for my bachelors. School can be done with children. Its the naysayers that think it cannot be done.

Your daughter is going to need a support system but not someone to do things for her. You are going to have to let her fail and only step in in the case that your grandchilds life is on the line. You are the grandparent not the parent, and she and the father need to make the choices no matter how wrong you think they may be. She has to live with the consequences shall she decide to keep the baby.
I have always hated those who said "oh your pregnant now your life is over" and my mother was one of them. 12 years later it has destroyed our relationship and I have nothing to do with her because of this. My dad was not happy but he came around and will do anything he can for his grandchildren and spoils them rotten.

Be there for you daughter and support her but not "support" her if you know what I mean. It means growing up a lot faster but thats the choice she made when she had sex. And dad will eventually come around. Like others have said he pushes this he could lose her forever.

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answers from Oklahoma City on

At 3 months I don't think she can have an abortion. Unless it's medically needed. Then a judge might have to order it.

I suggest that you and hubby sit down and take a moment. I know you're excited about a new life, if she was settled in life you'd all be happy. This is unfortunate that she's so young.

I often say that hubby and I aren't even in the same book much less on the same page. SO visiting with hubby and taking time to come to your own joined stand is important. Even if there are some differences in opinion you guys need to present somewhat a united front. He can feel mad, he can feel betrayed and more.

She can still go to school, she can still graduate high school, she can still go to college and have the life she deserves and wants.

How many people do you think go to college and live in married student housing with their kids? A LOT!

She could even decide she wants to give the child's guardianship to you with the understanding that she is the parent and your are the guardians. You'd have the legal rights to take the child to the doc, enroll it in child care, make decisions about any money or real estate it might have and manage those holdings.

There are millions of grandparents raising grandchildren in America right now, today. We attend a support organization each month and it's my favorite thing to do for us. It's not harder the second time around. It's actually quite a bit easier. We have the big picture, we know what's really important and have the hindsight and experience to share our life with a grandchild in a completely different way than any parent. Not to say parents aren't good, just saying they typically are so focused on making the kiddo do the right thing they forget to simply enjoy them and let them be kids.

My grand kids spend hours outside in the mud all summer. The clothes wash most of the time and they have to much fun making mud pies.

I think hubby is mourning the life he feels is gone, his baby girl isn't his baby anymore and she should be. He's going to have to take time.

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answers from Anchorage on

First off, it should not matter what you or your hubby wants to do about this pregnancy, it is her body, her choice. If SHE decides she want to have this baby, and SHE decides to keep it rather then put it up for adoption, then how much help you give her with the baby will be up to you and your husband.

As for school, unless your school has a good alternative program for teen parents, I would keep her in regular school. Getting her education is soooo important and will give her the best chance at her best further, whether that is with the baby or not (if she chooses adoption).

As a parent, I would just be with her and I would support her in HER choice, but there is no way I would raise this baby for her. And I would also want to be sure the father was very involved, even giving him 50/50 physical custody.

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answers from Cumberland on

Kick out the adult and take care of the child and the unborn child. This is not an "anger thing" or a "disappointment thing" this is about being a hero and a "leading and protecting" your family thing-there is a human life at stake-Dad of daughter-grow up, step up and be happy that this did not happen to a jerk father. Take care of your family-you bloody brute!! Set an example-now would be a good time-who brought you into the world, satan? Meanwhile, a million couples are begging God for a child-go figure. Funny-how everyone alive that is a proponent of abortion can voice that opinion.

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answers from Phoenix on

It is your daughter's choice, but I truly hope she is able to make the choice with the assumption that the father will be completely absent. If she chooses to have the baby, it will ultimately be her sole responsibility for the rest of her life. The statistics are overwhelming- no matter how "great" the father may be, the odds are staggeringly high that he will not be involved as a parent, partner, or even financial support. She needs to look at the ugly truth of a life with no friends, no partner, just you. Maybe even not her father. As a parent, it is her job to accept reality and do her best for her child in the world as it is, not as she would like it to be. Yours, too.
This new baby may be worth all the sacrifice to both of you, and the two of you may be willing and ready to raise it together, without any other support. I have a lot of respect for your support and love for your daughter right now.



answers from Philadelphia on

Not sure how your school district is but here there is a school for pregnant girls and others. I wasn't aware of it until my son told me about it. You can also see if your district in involved with K12 online cyber school. She can do that while she's pregnant and even after the baby is born. If so, join some homeschooling groups and the like. She must graduate high school or things will be even harder on her. Considering the decision of abortion, as her mother, you can legally (as far as I'm aware) make the choice for her so if her father is pushing for it you can push against and make that choice for her. Lord knows that's what I would do. My husband and I are both against abortion. No matter how hard it would be it is still the "easy" way out and snuffing out the life of our own grandchild. We wouldn't be able to live with ourselves. Dad needs time. That's his little baby girl that someone got pregnant.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

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