Teenage Daughter Got Beat up for Making a Rude Comment About a Disabled Child. S

Updated on November 03, 2017
J.N. asks from Hyattsville, MD
19 answers

My daughter (15) was arguing with another girl her age after school. We all live in the same neighborhood. Apparently the two girls haven't liked each other for awhile. On the day of this incident both girls were throwing out insults and my daughter made a nasty comment about the other girl's younger sister who has cerebral palsy. After the comment, the other girl hit my daughter first. My daughter was fighting back but she's much smaller and got beat up pretty badly. She came home with bruises on her face and a cut lip. Nothing that needed medical attention but I was still horrified. She tried to hide her face from me and didn't want to tell me the story probably because she knew I would be highly upset with her, but my son (14) was there and told me everything that happened.

Now the reason I'm debating pressing charges is because I tried to speak calmly with the other girl's mother to come to a resolution and she was very cold about the whole situation. I had my daughter apologize for her comment and didn't receive one back for her beating up my daughter. I attempted to have a sit down meeting where we could all get to the bottom of the situation and resolve it but that was turned down. My daughter got hurt. I tried to be compassionate and work things out among the families but that didn't work so now I'm considering involving the police. Any suggestions or advice? This situation is so tough for me. I've never dealt with anything like this before.

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C.C.

answers from New York on

There's no "pressing charges" unless the police decide to arrest the girl. You can ask the police about it, but at this point based on what you describe I doubt that an arrest would happen.

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T.F.

answers from Dallas on

HUGE bouquet of flowers to MiltaryMom who said it so well.

Your daughter was in the wrong. YOUR daughter acted like a brat and the other girl stood up for her family. No, the other girl should not have gotten physical but she stood up for her family.

There is no "pressing charges" and if you go around taunting something like that then everyone will know you are only doing it in retaliation because you didn't get your way with trying to "resolve" things.

If I eve found out my daughter did something so despicable she's lose every privilege she had for a long time. You DON'T treat people that way..... especially special needs. Gees.

Get busy parenting your daughter they way you should have the last 15 years so she learns some compassion. She got what was coming to her and any police officer will tell you that to your face and just might right your daughter up for what she did.

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J.T.

answers from Dallas on

Omg, REALLY??????

The other girl didn't apologize because she isn't sorry, but I bet your daughter is!

Your focus is in the wrong place and on the wrong household... there's nothing to resolve, your daughter got her a$$ kicked because she deserved it. Work on teaching your child the things you've clearly failed to teach her in 15 years, good God I'd be HORRIFIED if that were my daughter.

There's nothing to resolve here, move on.

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J.B.

answers from Boston on

Sorry, your kid got what she deserved. Treat it as a lesson learned and walk away.

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A.W.

answers from Kalamazoo on

Live and learn and hope your daughter does as well. She got what she deserved. move on, case closed.

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G.♣.

answers from Springfield on

There's nothing to get to the bottom of. There's nothing to resolve. Your daughter said something hateful about another girl's sister, and she fought back. She shouldn't have fought back physically, but what your daughter did was worse.

The old saying "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" couldn't be further from the truth. Physical wounds heal. Words and actions cut far deeper. The other girl (girls, perhaps) are hurt far deeper than your daughter was.

Do not call the police. Do not waste their precious time with something so petty and stupid. Let this be a lesson to your daughter. If she bullies others, they may fight back.

ETA - MilitaryMom 6. said it so much better than me! Read her post a few more times, please!

9 moms found this helpful

B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

I sort of doubt this - it reads like troll drama.

But in case it's not -
Is there anything you find horrifying about your daughter running her mouth and putting down a disabled person?
Because if it doesn't - your daughters problem isn't with the girl she dislikes or her family - it's with you for not having had this conversation with her sooner.
You've really missed a major window in her education and it needs to be corrected now.

You've tried to be compassionate?
The definition of the word and your actions just don't line up.
Pressing charges to highlight your daughters ignorant behavior is so not the way to go because it will do just that.
If I were on that jury it would be a $2 fine and a $5 reward for the other girl.

Your daughter isn't owed an apology.
I don't think anyone should beat anyone up - but your daughter incited this and she got what she asked for.
What she NEEDS is some sensitivity training and perhaps some impulse control if she lets her mouth diarrhea get the better of her on a regular basis.
Oh, and volunteering to help with the next Special Olympics in your area might be a very good learning experience for her and for you.

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E.B.

answers from Honolulu on

I can't imagine being that other girl's mother, having you trying to "come to a resolution". Your daughter insulted a child with a disability, and her sister refused to stand by and let that happen. So she physically struck back, and as you said, no medical attention was required.

The bruises that your child has are nothing compared to the wounds she inflicted on a child with a disability and her protective sister. Having a child with special needs in the family changes the whole dynamic, in a way that only that family (or another family with a similar situation) can understand. Many things are harder. Sometimes the special needs child can't speak up for his or her self.

If you don't have any experience with a child with a disability or disorder or disease, there are lots of resources online about how to teach your child about others who may be affected by a disability. There are so many factors to consider when a family member has special needs, and sometimes it's just the last straw when someone makes a rude comment. It may have been a particularly trying day, a worrisome day, a tiring day. Your daughter needs a big lesson in sensitivity.

The only resolution that needs to happen is that you need to go to that mother and deeply apologize. You need to assure her that you have had a serious talk with your daughter about sensitivity and respect. To press charges would simply imply to your daughter that her little cut lip is more serious than the nasty comment she made about her neighbor's sister. It's no wonder the girls don't like each other - and it sounds like your daughter is a significant part of that mismatch.

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W.W.

answers from Washington DC on

J.,

Welcome to mamapedia.

If you didn't seek medical attention? You'll have a hard time pressing charges since you don't have any evidence. IF someone recorded it? Your daughter could be brought up on "hate speech" charges. She was negative against a disabled person. And in today's society - people are looking for reasons to get offended and get people in trouble. Shame.

ANY apology that is forced, is not a real apology.

YOUR DAUGHTER was wrong. The other girls actions were wrong as well. But truly. Your daughter needs to learn how to control her mouth. If she doesn't like people? She needs to learn how to deal or keep her mouth SHUT.

Your daughter and you have learned a tough lesson in life. You can "insult" people - but not their family. Your daughter was lucky she only got a split lip. Sorry. I hate to say it - but she got what was coming to her. She was wrong.

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D.B.

answers from Boston on

There's no nice way to sit down with the parents of another 15 year old and a disabled child to "resolve" things. While I certainly don't approve of the fighting, the fact is, the kids are 15, they don't get along, they kept at it while they knew the situation was escalating, and the "hit first" is up for debate. Yes, the other girl struck first, but your daughter struck pretty hard with the verbal taunts. So, at 15, parents aren't supposed to be sitting down with other parents to rehash the whole thing. The parents are probably sick to death of smart-mouth teens and others critiquing their disabled child, and they doubt that anyone who raises kids with mouths like that could be reasonable at the table. I'm sure you don't feel that way, but look at it from their perspective. I'm sure you're seeing that they should be horrified that they raised a kid who would hit, but you're not horrified that you have done something similar. I'm sure they think what your daughter did was cruel and uncalled for. There is a part of them that feels their older daughter was defending the younger, and perhaps protecting her (preventively) from a potential bully (your daughter).

It's pretty awful to see your child with bruises and a cut lip. But where you should have been "horrified" is at your daughter's actions and words, rather than "highly upset." Do you see the difference? Do you see where your outrage is misdirected or at least out of balance? Both girls are equally guilty.

The fact that you feel your actions were "compassionate" implies, to them, a superiority in position. That's not going to work out well. These girls are going to be on their own in a few years - they need to develop life skills without parents involved in refereeing disputes.

The police have far better things to do that mediate disputes between teens who can't moderate their behavior. At most, they'll tell you that your daughter asked for it and will tell you to keep the girls apart from each other. So that's where you are now, if you do nothing more. Why put your daughter on the police "radar" unless you feel she needs to be in their sights for other reasons? If the other girl comes at your daughter again, unprovoked, and does something physical to cause harm, then yes, involve the authorities. For now, keep the blame where it belongs or at least the part you can control, on your own daughter and her need to develop a thicker skin and a mouth she can control. Lesson learned.

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L.U.

answers from Seattle on

Your daughter was served a little "playground justice."
She made fun of a girl's disabled sibling. That's so incredibly low. It's disgusting. She is plenty old enough to know that that is SO WRONG!
If I were the other girl's mother I would be cold to you and I would not want to meet with you either.
Hope your daughter learned a lesson.

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H.M.

answers from Dallas on

Don't expect an apology. This is probably not the first time she's had to stand up for her sister and wont be the last. Your daughter was in the wrong no matter how you spin it. You don't make fun of disabled people. If she was my daughter I would have spanked her for it yes even at 15 and even after getting hit by someone else. I have no tolerance for bullies. No matter what age they are.

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C.T.

answers from Santa Fe on

My advice is to let it go. Your daughter was in the wrong...she and this girl don't like each other, they argued, and your daughter INSULTED the other girl's DISABLED little sister. That is low. Low low low. I would have a serious talk with your daughter about how that is totally unacceptable and she needs to apologize for insulting the little sister and that that was wrong of her. You also need to tell your daughter to stay away from this girl, stop arguing, and be more mature. If she doesn't like her then she can stop interacting with her. I'm so sorry she got beat up...but boy, she was asking for it. If this happens again in the future without your daughter instigating it or insulting disabled kids first then yes, report it to the police.

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J.C.

answers from Philadelphia on

Try to put yourself in the other famiy’s shoes. Would you really want to have anything to with your daughter or the parent who raised her? I hope your daughter can use this as a huge learning experience but making fun of a disabled person is beyond cruel and at 15 your daughter should know better. I have never hit my kids but if they were to do something like this I sure would be tempted.

Also, you wanted to work things out but since the other family does not want to meet with you you are considering going to the police in retaliation. That is wrong too.

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M.G.

answers from Portland on

I'm going to respond first before reading the other answers.

I get why you are upset that your daughter was hurt physically.

However, emotional wounds are so much worse than bruises on a face or a cut lip. You must realize this.

For siblings of children with special needs, illnesses, etc. they are so protective of their siblings .... so it does not surprise me that this girl reacted the way that she did. Was it right? No it was not. I don't think violence is ever ok.

We are talking a teenager here. They do things that are wrong all the time. It's how you handle it from here that matters. I think having your daughter apologize was the right way to go about it. It's too bad their daughter did not apologize for her part. That would have been the right thing, in my opinion.

I am guessing they felt it was deserved. Back it the day, my husband would have done this for his brother (beaten up kids who insulted him). He never would have apologized. He would have felt justified. I think nowadays we expect kids to be very mature and handle this stuff better. This family obviously feels your child got what they deserved. Perhaps they did not feel her apology was genuine.

I would not press charges. I think that's very petty. You did what you felt was the right thing to do (take ownership of what you did) - that's a good lesson for your daughter, I would simply move on. There's a part of me (you're not going to like this) that is happy this girl stood up for her sister. Honestly, I'd want my kids to do the same. I'd hope they didn't punch etc. however, you didn't say what was said.

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S.S.

answers from Atlanta on

oh man. I hate to say it, but your daughter got what she deserved. I'm not for violence but wow...

If you TRY and press charges? Your daughter can be brought up on "hate speech" charges. Do you really want to risk that? You need to teach your daughter how to keep her anger and her mouth under control. Just because she doesn't like someone, doesn't mean she attacks their family.

She needs to learn to walk away or deal. But to insult and make insults about family is WRONG. You should be upset with her for that. If I was the other girls mom, I wouldn't want ANYTHING to do with YOU OR YOUR daughter. I would have the impression that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. especially if you want me to have my daughter apologize for defending her disabled sister. Stop and think about that one.

Get your daughter some help

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J.N.

answers from New York on

Oh boy! There is never an excuse to put down a disabled person. She hit below the belt & crossed a line. I agree at 15 years old you know better. I understand anger takes over and you say things you regret. I think the ship has sailed with this relationship I would let it go. At this point you will not be able to press charges and I feel you really don't have the right to. Hopefully your daughter learned a lesson here. Ask her what she would do if the shoe was on the other foot and someone made a nasty comment about her disabled sibling. Your daughter apologized and I do think that's appropriate. Now it's done. Your daughters bruised face & cut lip will heal and this girl is gonna have to defend her disabled sister I'm sure for years to come.

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D..

answers from Miami on

Why do you think that the mother would be ANYTHING BUT cold??? Her daughter has cerebral palsy. Something you will NEVER have to face with your own family members! Something that your daughter will never have to live with herself! Your daughter was a little beotch making a nasty comment about the girl's disabled sister. Her bruises and lip will be fine. With you standing up for her terrible behavior, you are telling her that it's just fine to treat people like this. You're just inviting her to end up like those awful people on youtube who scream at and denigrate others in public, and stand up for their right to be a-holes.

So, if you want a kid like this, go right ahead and press charges. If I knew you did that to a family whose kid stood for their disabled sibling, I'd announce what your daughter did everywhere and what kind of mother takes up for that behavior.

I had a sister with Down's Syndrome who died a few years ago. I know what it's like to have a disabled sibling, who could also barely walk and had a lot of physical problems. NOBODY EVER did to my sister what YOUR DAUGHTER did to this girl. She should be ashamed of her behavior. YOU should be ashamed of her behavior. But you aren't because you don't care about others. You only care about yourselves.

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S.C.

answers from Houston on

Its a very tricky situation. Your daughter said sth bad about the sister of the other girl. Now im sure your daughter learned a lesson but the hard way. Definitely beating her up is not acceptable and the other girl crossed the line. But i guess one thing led to the other and it blew out of proportions. I wouldn't press charges. You did your part with an apology and definitely the other girl should have apologized for going crazy on your daughter but im sure it is as well a sensitive issue for the other girl and she couldnt hold herself. I would suggest to just leave it and not make a bigger issue out of it

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