Teen's Dating

I seem to recall "going out" to be mainly a title sort of thing in middle school. The couples might sit together at lunch and free times, pass notes, maybe hold hands if allowed in school. That's about it.

It always seemed odd to me since no one really went "out" anywhere.

Keep the communication open and honest and let her have her "friend". She seems to have a good head on her shoulders for this sort of thing. Seems to me she'll be just fine.

Dating at that age is not the same as an adult or even an older teen dating. It means they may hold hands in school, she will write his name all over the place, and they will let everyone know they like each other. It doesn't necessarily mean they are hooking up in the bathroom, planning babies, and sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night.

I wouldn't care at that age, because it's just a "status" thing more than anything else. At least where we live that's what I see with my 5th grade daughter and her friends.

When I was 12 and in the 7th grade back in the 80's that was usually when kids started dating. We had dances to go to every weekend, and when you were dating that was who you went to the dance with. Aside from dances you went to the movies, roller skating and bowling, usually with a large group of friends. You walked home from school together, talked on the phone and wrote love notes to each other. It was generally pretty innocent, and a great way to learn about relationships.

I'm of the opinion that dating waits until you are at least 16 and carrying decent grades. School dances? Fine? Group gatherings which are adult supervised? Fine. I agree that some kids need to wait a little longer and show maturity. I would want to see that my son was regularly making good decisions and showing good judgment before I was cool with him doing a one-on-one date. It's less about an number (age) and far more about proven responsibility.

I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16, and I remember actually being happy my parents had that rule. I had lots of guy friends growing up and my parents let me hang out with them in group settings (I was a tomboy and had more male friends than female). But when a guy asked me to "go out" with him or be his "girlfriend", it was easy for me to say no and tell him I wasn't allowed because of my parents' rule. Then I didn't have to feel bad for hurting his feelings; I could just blame my parents. I respected myself and my body from a young age, and didn't get into a serious relationship until senior year of high school, and I am very happily married to my high school sweetheart today.

I can almost guarantee you that the "dating" she is talking about is not actual dating. My 6th grade daughter tells me about who is dating who, and it is pretty much who you walk in the hall at school with or who you text. Maybe a group of girls will meet up with a group of boys to walk around downtown after school (our small town's downtown area is kind of like an open-air mall with little shops, Starbucks, restaurants, movie theater), but even that would be the boys acting goofy bad showing off while the girls giggled.

You've hit the nail on the head with it being a status thing at school.

I liked the response Canuck gave about how it was a great way to start learning about relationships. And I think as long as you stay open about what is and is not acceptable then you have nothing to worry about.

Here is my honest answer. They are dating means that she is his girlfriend. At that age, she will probably begin to write his name all over her stuff, they will likely meet up in the halls, one will be late because they walked the other to class, she will probably hold his hand because he will reach for hers and she likes him, she may even kiss him when he tries to kiss her. If she doesn't kiss him in the halls, she will quickly kiss him when everyone leaves (late to class). They will text or talk on the phone all night, so you may want to take the phone and monitor it.

And for the final truth (in my view), one of them will end up hurt.

Such is life. Don't you remember being in junior high?

When my 11 yo let slip that he had a girlfriend I was also quite concerned. Then I discovered that it means they get to post 'taken' on their Instagram bio and they text each other - that's about it. Having a 'boyfriend' when I was in 6th grade meant you ate lunch together, maybe held hands, hung out at school. Talking to my son and his friends it's not like that for them, it's more a virtual designation than an actual physical relationship, heck they don't even hang out together at school! I'm ok with the titles, phone calls, texts, FaceTime (with the door open), and group 'dates' to the trampoline park at this age; solo dates no.

I think it's not really dating, it's just like Dana said -sitting together at lunch, passing notes, etc.

I would say nothing and do nothing. If you say or do something, you make it out to be more than it is and you create a battle where one didn't really exist.

Don't draw attention to it. Just listen and see what happens. It will probably fizzle before long.

My daughter had the same thing for me when she was 13. Their "going out" was more hanging out and calling each other bf/gf. They never really went dating or anything, unless you call them, bff and sister going to see a movie. It was more hanging out and talking, hanging at each others house.

Also, we had talks about what is appropriate, how to handle things and such. My girls cannot believe some of the girls at school and their attitudes (totally lax etc) and some of them being pregnant--some #2_as freshman. Their thing is why would they do that?

They are not "dating" they just publicly like each other. They will do this with or without your approval so who cares.
As long as you control where she goes outside of school nothing else matters.
If your school allows "sucking face" you night want to address that, maybe volunteer for yard duty, or at least at school dances.

This is a battle worth fighting. Seriously. Only you know your daughter though. If you drop them off at the mall, there are places that are off the hallways to the bathrooms, places they can go to be alone. If you drop them off at the movies they can sit in the dark and make out or even have sex by her sitting on his lap.

If you drop them of at a school activity they can sneak off to the back bathroom. Kids this age do NOT have the skills to not feel pressured into a sexual relationship. They just don't have the ability to say no and not get tricked or talked into just a little thing like letting them see "it". I'll show me mine if you show me yours.

I seriously do not believe kids this age should be alone anywhere. If you aren't there to supervise then I suggest you realize they are going to end up doing things they shouldn't be doing.

I will not drop the kids off anywhere I am not there with them to directly supervisor. I will not allow them to date until they are 16. Period.

Kids should not date in singles at 12. What are you thinking?

She should not even going to school dances with guys at this age. The group thing is still what they should be doing. When they're 14 maybe I'll take them to the movie and I'll go to one and them the other. When they're 14 they might get to walk around at the mall but I'll still be there with them in the same area.

When they're 16 they'll have the skills and understanding of how their body works and how wanting to have full out sex is something that happens but it should not be acted upon if they don't want a baby coming a few months later. They are old enough to understand the consequences of their actions.

At 12 your child should still be playing with dolls and video games. Not dating. What are you thinking?

i like your attitude toward it. it's pretty young for actual dating, but about the average age to start developing interest, and to start learning HOW to handle her increasing involvement with boys. and 'hanging out', especially in groups or at each other's houses in an open, friendly atmosphere, is a great way to get her started off right.
it surely helps that you two talk easily. so conversations like 'doors must always be open', and, if she's open to it, roleplaying about how to handle sexual pressure, should be ongoing.
maybe her response to the boy can be something like 'i'm too young to go on dates, but we can be more than friends in that we can hang out, and hold hands sometimes. what does it mean to you?'
khairete
S.

No dating till they are 16 and for some they are still too immature and should wait a bit longer.
Going out with a group of friends and a few parents is alright.
No one needs all the drama and nonsense that comes with all the immaturity that pre teens have.
Now's the time to run her ragged with after school activities and sports so she's too busy and tired to have any time for boys.

why not ask her what their idea of "going out" is?

Could it be hanging out at school - eating lunch together? Could it be going to the movies together or something else?

Talk with her about WHAT she expects and if she knows what HE expects. You might be surprised at what "going out" means.

My 13 year old son? He's trying to grow up too fast....so we've had to put some breaks on his "going out" and "girlfriend". We've told him that he's trying to be a high schooler "dating" and not a middle school student. So it's been a struggle, but he's realizing - thankfully - that we are trying to help him and not hurt him....and it helps that his girlfriend's parents are on the same page as we are so we aren't the "bad guys".

I would first have to ask for a definition of "go out with" since they really can't "go out." Then, I would make a decision/have a discussion based on what she is actually wanting to do. I do remember that there were a few "couples" when I was in 6th grade. They never kissed that I saw, but they would walk around holding hands at recess.

I think dating should be saved for older teens, who have gotten somewhat used to their changing bodies/hormones, and have gained at least a little life experience and maturity.

At this age, I would say to do chaperoned group dates. Like, take a bunch of them bowling. You don't have to hover over them, but you could send them to their own lane while you read a book and just keep an eye on them. Or they go to the movies, and you sit a row or two back. Pretty much anything they can do as a group.

I had no problem with dropping my daughter and her boyfriend at a movie and picking them back up when she was that age.

Well dating, no. But if they meet up with a group of friends and go to a movie or the mall, and you are somewhere around, ok. In group settings I think it's ok, and as long as they realize it will always be with a group.

I wouldn't allow a one-on-one date at all. I would tell her a group date only meaning her and a few other kids and the "boy" could go somewhere. It is great that she shared that with you but she is a little young, but that is where it starts. Of course she hates kids that suck face etc. until she finds that guy whom she could fall head over heels with, her opinion may change. Mostly going out at this age means together but they don't really go anywhere together. Good luck, these are the tricky years.

At that age I had males friends but none of them were boyfriends in the romantic sense. There is no need for that at such a young age. My almost 13 year old boy still thinks girls are "yucky" and does not think of them in a romantic way. He has many female friends.
I see no problems with co-ed group activities at that age with appropriate adult supervision. But one on one dating and all that goes with it? Not at 12 or 13.

I will do my best to stop it from happening as long as possible. My opinion is that the longer you can avoid it the better. Hopefully, when it is time, they will be older and a little wiser.

did you change your original question? I feel like your earlier answers were weird and off the mark,

I have jokingly lightheartly told my kids no kissing until 16 no dating until then as well. but honestly if and when I am in your situation what would I really be able to do at that point, because it isnt' like they are driving themselves out on dates. I would hope it was like when I was in school and it was just "going together" like others have said maybe holding hands and maybe sitting next to each other at lunch.

I would suggest that you discuss, appropriate internet use. I could easily see sexting or crazy stalking, or break up drama gossip being 100 times worse with todays electronics.

I do know many young girls have oral sex very early, so maybe tell her ways to resist any pressure to do that because it is just as emotionally bonding to girls as having sex. and just as yucky disease wise right?

and then the whole emotional thing that you don't dump your girl friends and you can have different interests an that person sould make you feel good about yourself and be honest etc.

ugg good luck to you this sounds dreadful to me.