Teen Sons Attitude and Drama Seems to Be Getting Worse!

Gee it sounds like he's milking this back pain for all it's worth.
Take him to the doctor about his back.
Is it possible he broke or bruised his tailbone?
That can be weeks of pain - no position is comfortable - but there's no putting his butt in a cast.
Get the doctors recommendation for treatment - then follow it.

A heating pad and a cold pack is great for alternating hot and cold.
You can get him a seat cushion he can carry around to sit on at school.
A hot bath after school might help.

Ignore the attitude.
Life goes one whether he likes it or not.
Demanding respect is just engaging him in his attitude right now so deny him attention for bad attitude.

But he gets no perks without earning them.
So school and chores need to be taken care of before screen time (tv, recreational computer time, phone, devices, video games, etc) and friends.
The quickest way to fun is to get the work done.

So many teachable moments going on here. First, and this is just me, but demanding that someone speak to me "respectfully" is too subjective. My rule was "no yelling, no swearing," but I didn't feel I could control "tone" as it is a losing battle. I can choose not to respond to kids talking to me snotty - I'd simply I couldn't hear that particular tone of voice.

Getting out of bed at that age is a no brainer. All 6 kids, including my special needs kids, could get their butts out of bed on time for school without my intervention at that age. While my special needs kids needed hygiene reminders, my non-special needs kids would never be reminded to brush teeth, shower, shave, etc. Honestly, he is WAY past all of this.

I'd write out the new "rules and expectations" on his bed tonight (rather than engage him verbally):

1. Cell phone is earned by arriving to school on time. If you are late, you lose your cell phone 1 day for every tardy. If you miss school, cell phone is gone for a week. (obviously not if he really needs to be absent).

2. While 4 miles is NOT too far to walk, he may not have a walkable route to school so I am going to accept that he can't. He CAN uber, lyft and/or taxi at his own expense. He will need to call one of these services if he missing the bus. Under no circumstances should a 14 yr old cause his mother to be late to work due to sheer laziness. The consequence is clear here - he has to foot the bill.

3. Hygiene - I had one kiddo who was a "reluctant brusher" due to sheer laziness. This will likely rectify when girls become more important, but until then I told mine that he had to pay for any dental work that was related to lack of brushing and flossing, so basically all cavities. Again, the consequence here is clear. Failure to engage in self-care, only costs HIM.

Stop engaging in the morning and that will solve much of the "attitude" you are seeing. If possible, just leave for work a bit early and you won't even need to watch everything unfold. I doubt it will take long for the natural costs and consequences to start turning things around. As far as the complaining, as the mom to one world class complainer, I just tune it out. That is his way of communicating and doesn't even realize he is doing it most of the time. A whiner is annoying but really only if you listen. You can always comment that the whining isn't your cup of tea when he starts and offer that you are willing to hear about his day if he can find a way to do so without the whining. Otherwise, just say "hey, I'm too busy to listen to whining" and do your own thing.

Good luck!

Get the book "A Survival Guide to Parenting Teens." Very good, practical, quick-access advice on how to handle all things teen. My 14 year old is my 3rd child (the older kids are now young adults) and even though this isn't my first rodeo, I have found myself going back to this book again and again for advice and reminders. It's so much better than anything I can write to you.

At this age, he needs to be responsible for himself and own his behavior and its consequences.

He doesn't get up? He missed the bus and either walks 4 miles or rides a bike (no, it's not too far), and when he gets there, he signs in late and explains to the office/principal that he's late because he didn't feel like getting up. OR he is truant and goes in the next day and give the same explanation. You do not write a note saying he was sick when he wasn't. He doesn't sit home and play video games - take his computer or phone, change passwords, take the TV remote to work with you. He'll get bored fast. Whatever the school consequences are, those were his choice to take on. If you have to, make an appointment with the school principal, assistant principal, psychologist, etc. and have your son explain to them why he hates school and why he shouldn't have any responsibilities.

If he hurt his back in gym, did he go to the nurse or report it to the teacher? Is there an injury/incident report? Tell him you need a copy of it. Take him to the doctor and have him explain it to the physician and get a treatment plan.

Unless your child has special needs, you should not be reminding him to brush his teeth. Let him know, though, that you are docking his allowance or taking a percentage of his money acquired from other sources to pay for monthly dental cleanings. I'm not sure what his meds are for and what happens if he doesn't take them, but if they are essential, I would say that the access to a phone, a ride or the internet are contingent on him being responsible. Change the WiFi password until he's mature enough to have it.

If you think he has signs of depression, seek evaluation and treatment. Depression is not something people "snap out of." Check his phone and room for signs of drug use - don't assume "not my son."

No, you don't accept it, tolerate it or let it go. He needs to develop life skills and you, as his primary parent, need to ensure that he does. If that means you miss a day of work or that your husband does to help and support you, then that's what happens. But stop enabling this.

Try to remember that you and he are on the same side, you want the same things, and stop thinking of this as a ‘never ending fight”. You describe a very busy life, but it is not clear to me what kind of support system your son has right now. It is possible he really injured his back (and if it still hurts, take him to the doctor), but it is also possible he focuses on these sorts of complaints because of emotional needs. How does he feel about his bio dad not being in his life? What kind of relationship does he have with his stepfather? What does he take medicine for and how does he feel about it? When does your family spend fun time together? I know it’s a busy life, but this time is as important as eating/sleeping/working. Of course he’s negative, he’s 14 years old, dealing with the transition to high school, bio dad’s rejection, and it sounds like much of his interactions with you are criticisms of his shortcomings and reminders of what he has to do.

Try sitting down with him and listening, truly listening, at a time when you don’t have to be somewhere and there isn’t anything you are trying to get him to do. He might not talk if you just sit down and expect him to talk, sometimes you’ll get more on a drive somewhere, or before bedtime. You know your son, find a good time for him. After you’ve listened and empathized, see if you can develop a plan that includes agreement between you and he on what is important and how it can be accomplished. Maybe he’d like to wake himself and not count on you, but maybe he’s not ready for that yet. You can set boundaries around this, like if he still wants your help, then he has to cooperate. If his relationship with his stepdad is good, try to include him in this conversation. If not, try to think of ways that they can connect in a positive way.

If things don’t improve, get family counseling. You shouldn’t have to be so stressed either, what a hard way to start the day! You deserve to be treated with respect, and shouldn’t have to let disrespect go, but demanding rarely works, try asking, “sweetheart, I can see that you’re frustrated, and I”m happy to try to help, but can you please try to speak with me in a nicer way.” Kindness works.

I agree with all the comments here, he should talk respectfully to you and should be more responsible. Much good advice has been shared below on these topics. In addition to this, when I read your post, another thing stood out to me. He may be looking for quality time with you or something is bothering him at school. You say he does not participate in school activities, his bio dad is not in the picture, his stepbro does not hang out with him much, your husband works 2 jobs, you work full time. It seems like he does not have many close friends or much family time and may feel alone or like he has no one close to him to be with. He still may be working through not having a relationship with biodad. Different aspects of this surface during different stages of development. As you mature, you understand more of what a dad "should" do and question more why they do not do it.

You said he told you he hurt his back and it hurts to walk, you said it was normal, he said he can't sit in hard seats and you think he is trying to get out of school.Then the next day he does not want to get up and go to school. It seems like every time he says something about how he does not feel good, you provide a rational answer, but that does not seem to be what he is looking for (so a Dr visit may not be warranted) as he then seems to up the ante and says it hurts even more to not getting ready for school trying to get a different response from you (what ever that may me :) ). I feel there is always a reason why someone is acting a certain way. My son, although a quite younger, does many of these things as well. He would refuse to do homework, disrupt class, did not want to go to school, cause all kinds of commotion at home because he just wanted to watch TV and play video games, etc. I thought he was being lazy not wanting to do his homework and go to school and this resulted in MANY fights. I finally was at my wits end and brought this up to his doctor and to make a long story short, my son has a learning disability and he had great difficulty doing schoolwork (not laziness as he was actually trying as hard as he could under the circumstances that did not work for him). I am not saying that your son has a learning disability, but perhaps there is another underlying cause of him not wanting to go to school such as he is being bullied, feels socially awkward, having a hard time adjusting to new school, and numerous other possibilities. In addition to getting my son help with his learning disabilities, I also found he needed quality time with me that I was not providing. I am also a busy parent, but I also found that when I made a conscious effort to spend some real quality (not quantity) time with him just enjoying who he is without critiquing or commenting on things he should do like clean room etc. (and I know that at times it can be hard to fit in an already busy day but if it is quality time just 10 minutes can do wonders) my son's attitude toward me changed. When I would forget about the quality time, his attitude would come back. It does not have to be a lot of time, but let him know you are interested in him, his life, things he enjoys, and that he matters to you. Find something he is interested in and let him tell you all about it and just listen and ask some questions. Since it seems like his actions are directed toward you or require a response from you, it seems like he may be looking for something from you as well - either time or to help him with something he is struggling emotionally with. If he is looking to share some quality time with you and you don't he will eventually look somewhere else and that may be with people or activities you do not want. Also, helping him improve his self confidence may help him be more secure in developing interests in school, be more social, and more confident at his new high school. It can be hard to figure out just what is bothering them. I had to have my son's doctor tell me as I did not see it. I wish you and your son the best of luck. Hang in there. You have a lot of great advice from many here.

I had some of these problems with my youngest son. Mine though is from intact family, we've been married over 50 years, and our son did not have "the attitude". BUT the reason I am responding is at the age of 30 he had genetic testing. He has 2 abnormal chromosomes on one gene. He is unable to absorb folic acid or vitamin D. He is now on prescriptions for both and has changed his life. No longer impulsive, forgetful, unorganized etc. Have him tested.

I am sick of my teen daughter's drama too. I will be checking back to see the answers.