Teen Problems - Aurora,IL

J., I have a 17 year old and a 19 year old. They are both boys. If my 17 year old asked if he could go with these kids, I would have to personally know each and every one of them. I would have to know what kind of kids they are. They probably would have been over at my house before. I'd have to know what kind of driver the one who is driving is. I'd want to know if they have driven to this area before. I'd want to know if they have a GPS. Driving around the Chicago area is hard and you don't want to get into a bad part of town.

If your mom has decided that you shouldn't do this, she may have a problem with the kids or a kid in the group. What you probably don't realize is, it isn't YOU that she doesn't trust. She is uncomfortable with some other aspect of it.

One of the beauties of going to college after you graduate from high school is that you leave home, go live in a dorm, have a school campus to call home, and make friends with the people who live there with you. You get a chance to flex your wings, stay out late, go to the movies at midnight, do things you would never have done at home. That's one of the benefits of going to college. You have that to look forward to. It will be really special then.

My son is off at college now. He makes decent choices. He handles his responsibilities. He has a lot of fun, and works hard in his studies and is rewarded with good grades. What he has learned this year (and I'm super proud of him, by the way) is that he is making these grades for HIMSELF, not for us. He wants to keep his scholarship, earn his tuition from us, look good to a future employer AND a future grad school program. THAT is called being an adult.

Becoming an adult is a process. My son was 18 for a good while before he graduated from high school. Did he turn into an adult when he turned 18? No. Did he have a curfew after he turned 18? Yes. Would I have let him go anywhere he wanted to go while he was still living with me? No.

Sometimes becoming an adult means having to accept "no" when you feel it's unwarranted. The argument didn't help, right? Instead of arguing, ask her in a quiet voice and kind tone if she would tell you if she is worried about your safety, or if she doesn't like your friends, or why she is uncomfortable. Tell her that you value her opinion and really want to know why she is having a hard time with it. Tell her you will accept what she says - you just want to understand. You probably will still not get to go, BUT she will start to think of you as becoming more mature, if you choose to approach her this way with problems in the coming year.

Remember, turning 18 and finishing high school does not make you an adult. ACTING like an adult and thinking like an adult makes you an adult. Sometimes it's the cart before the horse. Sometimes it is realizing that you don't have your parents to "do" for you because you no longer live with them. It's also realizing that someone else isn't going to bail you out when you have problems. You have to find solutions on your own. But in looking for those solutions, you can call your parents, ask them if you can talk to them about a problem, tell them what it is, and then say "Can you advise me as to what to do?" Not "I need you to fix this for me".

Dawn
Mom of a teen who really is finally an adult (not because of age, but because of attitude).

The beaches have been violent places this summer in Chicago. I haven't even gone this summer and I'm an adult. Teenagers who aren't used to watching behind their backs are especially vulnerable to crime. Maybe your mom is more worried about your safety than your trustworthiness. I would be.

First, your mother isn't going to change her mind because of what some moms on the internet say. You're not a little kid but you are still minor. And you'll always be your parents child regardless of age. You sound like a fabulous teen, but the problem doesn't sound like your mom lacks trust in you. An hour is long time if something happens and you need help. Especially if you have to go into Chicago. Does your mom know the kids you'll be with? Who will the drivers be? Will you be able to find an alternative way home or get somewhere safe quickly if things change? There are so many factors and really this isn't a situation where a person is right or wrong. Learning to accept no for an answer and not fight about it shows maturity.

Honey your mom is not worried about YOU. She is worried about the others you are going with, especially the boys. I know it's hard to imagine, cause when I was your age I never could, but your parents were once your age. They made mistakes they regret or knew people who's lives were ruined by terrible things happening on an innocent seeming trip.

I know that doesn't help you now, but perhaps if you had those friends over to your house a few times so your mom could see that the boys were not sex crazed maniacs and the whole group is nice and respectable that may help your case.

It's super hard being a parent. As a parent you try to balance protection and freedom and when your child starts doing things you once did it gets scary.

If you wish to read it, I'd like to share some of my personal history. Perhaps it will be of use, perhaps not.

I had a short rebellious phase which lasted in between the ages of 14 and 15. I remember arguing with my mom constantly, believing that she was ruining my life, that she was selfish and pigheaded - the list goes on. As it turned out my mother is not a controlling sociopath, she is a really good mama who did a wonderful job being consistent, compassionate, and firm.

By 16 I had decided that it was silly to have adversarial relationship with my mom. From a selfish point of view, I figured that if I didn't push so hard, she might be willing to soften the rules. Honey, after all, catches more flies than vinegar.

By the end of my 16th year I had been attending community college and had a group of friends who were many years older than me. I had also developed a fairly solid grasp on communication and negotiation. My mother was often willing to hear calm reason when she wasn't willing to hear self absorbed tantrums. When my mother said no, rather than argue, I'd inquire. Mom, what is it exactly that you feel worried about? Is there anyway we could find compromise, or that I might behave in a way that would help you feel more comfortable with my plan?

Like we must do as parents, I learnt that as a child it is wise to choose one's battles. I learned to hear no, and to move on without pouting. As adults we are still quite powerless over much of our lives and we hear no frequently. Mostly, no doesn't have to be a roadblock. It is an invitation to find new routes and pathways.

When turned 17 I found a great urge to travel the world and I desperately wanted to spend time in India. My father said, write an essay and I'll consider it. My mother said, do your research and figure out a way that you can do this responsibility. Sure enough, I was able to find a program that would allow me to travel with other teens, a chaperon, and to have a home stay. I wrote the program head to enquirer about scholarships, and I was able to receive one through an essay and letter of recommendation. My parents matched the amount. I had a job working at the college newspaper so I was also able to contribute some of my own money to the trip.

I was overseas for three months and when I returned, I found myself desiring more autonomy and responsibility. So again, I found myself negotiating with my parents so that they would allow me to move out of my mom's home at age 17. After many, many quiet conversations, they relented. Still, I had to follow some of their guidelines: Budget your own money, get a job (if I wasn't in college I had to pay my way fully, when I was in college my pops subsidized my expenses and tuition).

Now I won't lie to you. I *had* learnt a thing or two by the time I was 16, 17, 18. In some ways I was more responsible that most of my peers. In others, I really, really wasn't.

I got into trouble as a teenager and often. Mostly my parents didn't know about it and I wasn't doing it to spite them or push them. I was on a very self destructive path and was determined to hurt myself. I think my mom understood that my self loathing wasn't something she couldn't force or break out of me. I had to find peace on my own. So she didn't limit my independence. Instead she encouraged me to find ways to nourish my spirit and she gave me a lot support while I went ahead and made some colorful mistakes/adventures.

Through trial and error I found my way. I do hope my own children are able to find a sense of Self without damaging themselves as readily as I did. And that they are able to avoid some of the more painful truths of my past. Time will tell. In the meantime, it is my responsibility to help them keep from 'burning' themselves.

I hope I don't sound patronizing when I say that as adolescents, we push against boundaries. It's developmentally appropriate. Likewise, we can forget that the world doesn't revolve around us. We are mortal, we are subject to injury. We may meet boundaries not because we need them to hold us in place, but because we need to be protected. Consider, for example, certain areas of beach where swimming is prohibited. Let's say there are rip tides or dangerous sea life. Do the beach rangers believe we are untrustworthy? No, probably not. They believe we might not know not to go into the water, so they give us instructions to stay out. If we choose to ignore those guidelines, we may put ourselves in danger...as well as those around us.

Even when we do everything just 'right', calamity can arrive. Bad things happen to people who didn't ask for it. As parents, we try to protect our children from some of the harder possibilities in life.

You are almost an adult and you are learning how to be an adult as you develop. Try to practice patience. It's not my strong suit, I always wanted to grow up fast, so take my advice with a grain of salt. Patience, empathy, reason, negotiation, wisdom...these are attributes to cultivate as we become adults and citizens of this world.

Best wishes and good luck!

You are "almost" an adult. You want to flex you wings and do things. But you have to take steps in order to do them.

Don't discount your mom and her not letting you go. First off, has mom met any of these kids you are hanging out with? Have any of them come over to your house and spent time there and talked with your mom? You can't just expect your mom to give you a big green light to go out to the beach and she not know who, what, when, where and how you will get there and back. Will you take a train, a bus or a car? If they have a car how old will he/she be? Do you have any emergency contacts to come get you in case of an incident?

It's hard being on the edge of adulthood but take your time and enjoy the last year or so of your childhood. Once you do turn 18 and are on your own you will have to rely on all of the wisdom that was given to you to survive the real world. You have to have street smarts to make it and not the deer in the headlight look. If you don't you will be preyed upon by everyone nearby because you don't know any better even when you think you do. You have to get in tune with your inner self and your gutt feeling which will protect you from harm.

I say all of this to you because I didn't have my mom at your age. She died when I was 9. But she did her best to make sure I would survive and know right from wrong and to know when to look at both sides of the issue before I made a move because there was no backup plan for me. I had to live with what I did and some of it was not pretty. After my dad died when I was 14 I lived with my mother's sister. She would not let me move to Philadelphia to go to school so we compromised and I went to school in New York City yes the Big Apple to secretarial school. I commuted on the bus in and out Monday thru Friday like the big guys. I had to dress as if I was in an uptown office (suit, heels, makeup and such). It as exciting just like your trip would be. But then you have to realize wait I am here all by myself even if I have friends here. I have to rely on what I know to make sure I make it out. There were several times I had to rely on instinct to make it back if I had not I would have been dead because things happened in the places I wanted to revisit from secretarial school. Once I didn't listen and I almost paid with my life to get rid of a uindesirable character who possibly slipped a mickey in my drink. I wouldn't wish this on any young girl.

So to go back to you and your mom, mom is trying to keep you safe. She is trying to let you grow up into an adult without having to do it so fast you lose your choices of what to do (like school, work or play) and to a self sufficient productive citizen in the world. Take you time and know that momma may know best even if you don't think so. Whatever you do, don't get an attitude and talk bad about mom. One day when you become a mom it will all fall into place as to why you did what you did and when. Life goes around in circles and sometimes it takes a few years to make the full circle.

Hold up you have one more year. Learn a lot in this year to protect you for the future. No one wants you to be the next Natalie.

The other S.

Mom to a 39 year old son and a 35 year old daughter.

I was a top 5 percent student at the age of 13, 14, 15, etc. I was very mature. But good lord, i was stupid! Chicago is a 'big' city, and has it's 'big city' problems. The people you might be with might be "OK" but its likely you will meet up with others who are not "OK". People can be really manipulative. They look for people like you and I to prey upon. And though a 5:3 ratio of girls to boys might seem ok to you, it terrifies us parents, especially if you are a beautiful girl like my oldest daughter. There could be 5 girls and one boy and i'd still be worried!!!

Listen to your parents. This will not be the only fun weekend ever to present itself to you. Trust me. The one time i lied to my parents, an old friend of mine was killed in a car accident. I was supposed to be in the car with her that night. Or so I told them.

NO amount of fun is worth that. You have a long life ahead of you. Please don't rush into it!

Hi! My 16 yr old daughter and I had this adventure last week. It is a long story. In the end I did not let her go. It had nothing to do with not trusting her at the beach but I did not want her getting in a car with a boy I did not know to drive them to the beach. Please try to understand teens and cars just scare parents, you're not likely to change our minds. While you believe in your invincibility we all have friends who died at your age in a car. For me, it was Neil Turkheimer, the day after Thanksgiving 1974, he was 17. And my dad, murdered by a teen driver when I was 14. The best thing you can do is continue to be honest and responsible, you will be a wonderful woman someday. Your mom will come around, remember- as mad as you may be at her she is trying to protect you. You just don't think you need protecting. Please don't argue with your mom, listen to her. Maybe if you can calmly discuss there can be compromise.
BTW- I told Sarah and her friend that the next time they wanted to mount an expedition to the beach they could either get a ride with dad (one of his work sites is a mile from the beach) or they could take the T to the beach with a plan for going and coming home.

During this argument, did your mother give you any reasons for why she's not allowing you to go? Was it just a "beacause I said so" argument, or did she express her concerns?

I agree with Bobbi. It is sad, because I LOVE Chicago and lived right along the lakeshore when I was in college, but now that I am a mother, and the way things have been recently, it makes me nervous.

The past few years we've seen ridiculously atrocious mobs of teenagers terrorizing beachgoers, stores, tourists, etc.

If her concern is about the recent crime wave in the city and if you can't go to the beach in the city (I'm assuming you mean something like North Ave Beach), would she allow you to go to one outside of the city limits? Maybe you can find a beach on the North Shore to go to. It would be a good compromise, assuming that her reason is fear of the crime.

Maybe check the Evanston beaches: http://www.cityofevanston.org/parks-recreation/lakefront-...
or Wilmette: http://www.wilmettepark.org/lakefront/wilmette-beaches

your not an adult, your 17 what your parents say goes

I have teengage daughter taht is thesame age as you and we go hrough alot of similar situations like this. Her wanting to get tattoos, go out of town with friends, go to the club, etc. etc. She give me the same excuse as you. And I simply tell her that when she is 18 she is free to do whatever she please. But until then, she do as I say because I am responsible for her and I take care of her And if she dont like it she can leave. Mama dont play that. Yes you were wrong. You only have 1 more year in which you will be gone to college, on your own and free to do as you please. Dont rush it. Stay a kid as long as you can. When you hit the real world and see how it is, you will be wishing you were a kid again.

Sounds like your mother is too strict. I had more freedom at 14 then you do at 17. I went to the beach a lot when I was 16-18 with my friends.

J.,

Yes, I think at 16 you should be allowed to go to the beach. However, if your mom has stated safety concerns for not allowing you to go, I have to agree with her 100%.

I have a few friends that are Chicago Police Officers. Crime is out of control, in the city. There are groups of thugs that work together. These groups attack and steal from people on the beach and Michigan Ave is their number one target. These are not even being reported (very few) on the news, thanks to the Mayor. The Mayor is worried more about tourism and people not wanting to come into the city. It really is that bad. The trains and train stops are also bad. These thugs all dress the same, in jeans and white t shirts, so they can't be positively ID. They work in numbers. Before you know it, they show up and your phones and wallets are gone. If you fight back, they beat you. Not to be dramatic, but they have actually killed a few people. They beat up two Dr.'s, on different days, that were leaving or coming to Northwestern hospital. There are not enough police thanks to all of the murders that are happening in the troubled neighborhoods. For that reason, I wouldn't want you going.

Also, not to put an even bigger bummer on this for you, but drownings in Lake Michigan are at an all time high. A surgeon from Children's hospital just drown after saving two kids who were drowning. The under tow took him under. It happens that fast in the Lake.

Why don't you guys go to Great America instead? :)

Sorry.....I'm a mom that worries but only when it comes to clear & present dangers. I see the Chicago beaches as just that.

I know exactly where you mom is coming from. Here's what you can do to ease her mind.

Come up with some information she will want to have to ensure that you are in safe hands. Let her know exactly who is coming, who is driving, where you will be for most of the day (update her if the plans change and you go somewhere else - even if it's last minute), what time you plan to head out and return home, supply her with phone numbers for a couple of those friends who will be going along. Let her know you will check in with her every couple of hours by phone (and do it!). If you plan to take the train, be sure you know the schedule and give it to her so she can see what time you are leaving, what the stops are and when she can expect you home.

These are the kinds of things that help lose her fear and let her know you are being responsible. If she doesn't know any of the friends who will be coming, make sure she meets them before hand and even knows their parents - or has a parent or two of their phone numbers - just in case.