Teen Curfew

Updated on August 11, 2008
T.D. asks from West Chicago, IL
6 answers

Myself & 17yo daugther cant seem to get this curfew thing together! I have changed this time MANT MANY times due to her breaking the rule which has been for this past week 9:30pm.

BEFORE YOU MOMS GET DOWN ON ME HEAR ME OUT FIRST!!!!!

We have found out last month that 2 predtors move on the block and in my apartment complex we have a man masterbating in the halls. Our building entry doors dont lock so anybody can walk in. My daugther is aware of all this but she seem to think that she is UNTOUCHABLE as any teenager thinks IT WONT HAPPEN TO ME!

Im also battling breast cancer for the 2nd time in three years with another child who is 5. I use to make excuses for ourselves due to my health like maybe she cant handle my situation or im too strict. NOT ANYMORE! You see moms im really tired now and ready to give up the fight on both ends. Yesterday I called the police to have her removed from the house before our arugment got physical. Today I talked with her and she thinks that by her going to school & getting pretty good grades and that this is her last year of school I should give her a MIDNIGHT curfew. I really dont agree. I give her chores and she wont do it. I told her to get a job to earn her way and she to some degree really dont want to work either. So since I am a single parent I WILL NOT GIVE IN TO THIS MIDNIGHT CURFEW.
TELL ME MOMS WHAT IS A REASONABLE OFFER AND COMPROMISE.

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So What Happened?

HI MOMS, well my daugther realized those 3 days she was gone being on her OWN with someone else and hearing them lay their rules down wasn't worth it after all. I told her I always love her and I will always BITCH about what I know is not right for you. She had keys & a cellphone, I took those items because if she does leave again she will not need my keys so her friends can get them & possible come in my house......I took the phone because if she so bad then she don't need to call for help when she gets in trouble SHE CAN HANDLE HERSELF. That is what she said before she left. She will definitely use caution when she is outside knowing she don't have a phone on her. I told her she can either pay the bill or go get her own phone again which she messed up all 3 times. I really wanted her to come home so she can finish HIGH SCHOOL this is her last year. She has used her COME HOME FOR FREE PASS........which I was saving for after college since she replied she wants to go. I have laid the rules down AGAIN in case she forgot them in 3 days. She was at her friend house and they told her friend mom that I said she can spend the weekend with them. The friend mom called me. We talk because she does know me I always let my daugther stay with them one night so the mom found it hard to believe. She made her get up at 4am after the girls come in with the 20 yo ____@____.com mom made her leave QUICK FAST & IN A HURRY!!!! That was what we discuss how to make it hell for her because it was the safest place for her to be but we knew that being in someone else house is either dangerous or destructive. AND IT WORKED!! THANKS TO THIS MOM FOR SNOOPING THROUGH HER DAUGTHER CELLPHONE SHE FOUND MY NUMBER AND CALLED TO TELL ME NOT TO WORRY.
WE PARENTS ARE SO EVIL, I GUESS TEENAGERS REALLY DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING AFTER ALL!

More Answers

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C.B.

answers from Chicago on

It's a tough battle...either way. When I was about 16 my mom fought breast cancer. My curfew was 10:30 during the week and 12 on weekends. Don't let her take advantage of you being sick. If you feel that you being sick is too much on her, find a healthy outlet for her -- counselling, enroll in martial arts (kickboxing is supposed to be very cool -- and could help fend off predators!). If you give her a structured way to vent her fears & frustrations, it may make her more cooperative. Also, my mom always told me that my curfew was a privellage, not a right. So, do your chores, earn your priveallage. Tell her she needs to grow up and help you around the house. If she can do that, maybe you reevaluate her curfew in 6 months, with the understanding that she keep up on your rules. Maybe she also needs some one on one mom time -- get a babysitter for your youngest & take the older shopping or to a movie. Let her know you trust her, and that you'll always be here for her. It will all be okay! Don't give up the fight. You have two girls who need you every way you can be here!

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C.D.

answers from Chicago on

T.,
Hang in there - I am going to pray for you. It sounds like you are being challenged in a lot of ways! However, you are the parent and what you say goes. My son who just turned 12 has to be in the house by 10:00, duting the summer, but he's only around in the neighborhood which I CONSIDER SAFE!!
When it comes to an issue of your daughter's safety, I would most definately dig your heels in. Maybe you could extend her time a bit if you knew exactly where she was, inside, and can trust that she is where she says she is. Since she is not working, you are the cash cow. I would use that for your leverage. I'm sure she wants some really nice back to school items and if she drives, limit that too if she disobeys you!! Reassure her that your rules mean you love her and one day she will appreciate it and you.
C. D - mom of 5 just embarking on teenage years with 2 of them

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A.B.

answers from Chicago on

This isn't really just a curfew issue. Even if you both agree on a time, I think you'll still be battling. Please talk to a social worker or guidance counselor at her school or someone else who could help you both work through this.

This is a critical time for your family, and I'll pray for you right now that your health and family problems will be resolved. Best of luck to all of you.

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S.S.

answers from Chicago on

T., That is so sad to have to go through all of that.Especially being ill with breast cancer. My mother had breast cancer and I know you need peace to survive and fight it. Please do not give up. I will write with you if you need some enouragement...
I have a son who is seventeen just about eighteen.He has pulled the curfew thing claiming that since the law says he can be out (yes, the laws can differ in certain areas but our curfew law was permitting the little guy to wander around a lot later than I wanted) You and your other daughter need your sleep and that needs to be understood by your daughter and she is obviously being selfish, teenager or not. Do not agree to the midnite curfew. I don't think there is a whole lot going on in the middle of the night that she needs to be out. Soon school will start. School nights can be ten thirty if you can rest knowing she'll be on time and she needs her sleep, too, for your health you definitely need some sleep and your little daughter needs her mom now! And perhaps weekends can be a little later. We did start letting my son come in a little later since he's almost eighteen. There is also something miraculous that just happened. He got a job and finds he needs his sleep, too.
But T., this is serious. When she was gone, were the police helpful. The police department can guide you on the curfew times and they can clearly lay it out to her what can happen. The building doesn't sound safe and when you are feeling healthier may I encourage you to find an alternate place to live. You need lots of help for your health and this issue. She also is seventeen almost eighteen, it will change. But it doesn't seem like it. AND who owns that building? They need to get the locks fixed right away. You have rights even if you aren't feeling like you do. Do not give your power away. Because you have it and you are strong and I really admire you for what you are undertaking. And that you got through all of this. It may seem overwhelming right now but it will get better. Don't give up.

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M.J.

answers from Chicago on

you can throw the "law" at her to end your conversation. The state of illinois recently changed curfew regulations for those under the age of 18. weekdays, I believe it is 10 p.m. unless they are coming from a job or school function. you should be able to verify the times etc. on the state of illinois website.

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M.O.

answers from Chicago on

You are right in many ways. She probably doesn't know how to cope with your cancer, and teenagers today, more than ever, think it's not going to happen to them. I have an 18 year old son who has tested the limits big time. Counselling helped us but he really did not change. We finally sat him down and told him we needed his help. My husband is disabled and I work a lot to keep up financially. So, we told him he needed to get a part time job to handle some of his expenses. I explained to him how it affects me when he does not do his chores. I also laid it out clearly that we were done fighting with him. Either he starts acting responsible or he leaves. At first he was very bold and said he would leave. I asked him if he had any money for food....no. I asked him where he would sleep. He said in a car or whatever. I pointed he didn't have a car or a driver's license because he let his grades drop in school. When he was faced with the reality of life, he backed off. We said we love him and would not want him to leave but life could not go on in the same way with lack of responsible behavior and fighting all the time. When he said he "has a right"....I pointed out that we had rights also and he was not respecting our rights. When he finally got the message and calmed down, we talked. We came up with an agreeable time for curfew and appropriate consequences for breaking the rules. Does she have a cell phone? If she doesn't, get one. It is the only way to keep track of your teen and if she does get into trouble she can call you. We do not look at the cell phone as a privilege but a necessity in today's world with perverts living right down the street. However, she must comply with rules regarding the phone. If our son is not following the rules, we take the phone away unless he is going out. When he returns he turns in the phone. I pay the bill, I set the rules. The bottom line is to set structure but communicate. They're growing up and have to have some control. Always let her know you love her and you do worry about her because you love her. Tell her you need her help to fight the cancer by obeying rules and helping with chores. Teenages are basically selfish but if you keep calm and involve them in decisions they are more likely to agree. Is this the answer? I don't know...we found a way to make it work for us. You can find your way. Take down the enemy lines and make friends with her so she can let her defenses down. By the way, my son is biologically my grandson but we adopted him after our daughter died from a malignant brain tumor. So I understand your battle with the cancer and I totally understand the problems with teenagers today. We have learned so much! I wish you well and hope you can find some peace with your daughter and beat the cancer. There is so much more they can do today than when we lost our daughter 17 years ago. I will pray for you..

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