Teacher Would like My Daughter to Repeat PreK3. Should I Fight This?

Updated on January 15, 2014
C.P. asks from Longmont, CO
49 answers

Hello! Glad I found this site... I would love some differing opinions!

My daughter turned 3 last August and started PreK 3 the same month. She had never been in daycare - I do work full time so my parents watch her during the day. She was a tiny (3lb15oz) preemie (33wks) so I tried to keep on top of her development - her pediatrician said she was doing very well. I figured it was time to socialize her and have her in a setting that would allow her to learn more than what Curious George had to teach ;) We enrolled her in a private school that has a prek3 program in Aug of 2013. She did have some seperation anxiety but the teacher said she did very well for the most part. The pre-k 3 program is a full week full day program (8AM to 2:30PM) daily. After the first month, the teacher recommended that she only stay until 11AM as she was not participating with the rest of the class. She was not throwing any tantrums - but she would become reserved and state that she would like to go home. Fast forward to December and the teacher said she "may hold her back to repeak prek3". At first I was OK, but after doing a bunch of reading online I don't really see the point. She does have some issues with counting but that seems that something that will be re-inforced at Prek4.

If she really does not catch up next year, that may be a problem but after much reading online she seems to have met all of her 3 year milestones and then some. Her biggest problem are her motor skills but after working with beads, etc the improvement was very noticable.

Should I make a stink and force the teacher to reconsider (just in case she does want to keep her one more year)?

Thanks.

Sorry if the story sounds incomplete or all over the place - I was trying to pack in as much as I could but not create a novel :)

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So What Happened?

At three, she needs some sort of social structure - which she seems to be doing well at. I saw no point in her staying home all day with her grandparents and not learning how to interact with other children and following directions from other adults. I never did "play dates" - so this seemed like a good way to introduce her to another environment and prepare her for what is to come. I was not fond of the hours (very long) but they were adjusted for her. The comments about 'she should not be in school' are absurd and completely unhelpful.
---
I've never worried about percentiles or milestones as long as she was healthy, active and happy. The teacher gave me reason for concern but after some discussions with a couple of parents I don't think the teacher presents information overly well. She is new to teaching and very young so it may be a skill that requires honing. I also re-read some of our email exchanges, she may just be trying to cover all the bases without thinking about it clearly.

After reading the responses here and doing a bit more research I am much more informed and at ease. I really appreciate some of the responses below and I am super glad I posted here. We have a conference in February and I will be a bit more prepared to address any issues the teacher may have.

Featured Answers

S.T.

answers from Washington DC on

i'm just trying to wrap my head around any sort of standardized requirements for 3 year olds that might include 'repeating.'
she's a baby.
:(
khairete
S.

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M.B.

answers from Seattle on

What the hell? This is preschool, not graduate school. That teacher/school is expecting too much. Preschool is supposed to be where kids learn how to get along and cope without Mom/Dad being there ALL the time.

There is NO WAY I'd allow a teacher to hold my 3 year old child back. That's asinine.

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C.B.

answers from San Francisco on

I really don't see that it matters one way or the other. this is preschool. She will go into the same kindergarten class as other kids who have had no preschool and learned to count and their shapes and colors at home with the parents/caregivers. Please don't get overly exercised about preschool; it really doesn't make that much of a difference.

Case in point, my GD who is in 6th grade never went to one day of preschool or any other type of school. She is at the top of her class in all subjects. Preschool just needs to teach them how to be in school - period. Anything else is fluff.

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A.L.

answers from Seattle on

Your daughter is 3 and from what it sounds like a young 3 at that. I really don't see the point of pushing her academically at this age. No point whatsoever.
I personally would never place a young child in an academically oriented pre-school as there is no evidence whatsoever that they have any benefit that a play-based program doesn't have to offer - while there is plenty of concern that many kids these days lack opportunity for play more than they lack academics.

Pre-school should be about social learning, building endurance and patience. It sounds to me like your daughter is not ready for the next class because she is lacking endurance not because she isn't up to par academically. This would be normal for a child that is 5 months into pre-school from never having been in a structured program before. It's exhausting for them.

I really don't see a problem here, we are not talking about her repeating a grade in high school. It is not like her college admission depends on this. Why would you not just give her a little more time being little?

Good luck.

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M.L.

answers from Colorado Springs on

It's easy to repeat such a young grade. Let your daughter stay at that level a little longer, being able to spend more time on her motor skills.

If your daughter asks about this decision, tell her not that she *has* to stay in preK3, but that she *gets* to.

It's not like flunking high school, and it's not a bad reflection on your daughter or her family. This is groundwork, and it's worth the extra time.

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H.W.

answers from Portland on

I'll answer it from my perspective (I used to teach preschool)...

Some kids come into preschool with ease, and others really have a hard time with the transition. It is unlike anything they've done before. Preschool is primarily about social development and the development of self-help skills. It's not just a question of "can she meet those developmental markers (like you are describing re: fine motor skills)... it's also about being *able* emotionally to get through the entire day at the PreK program, to negotiate being in the group all day, to be able to play and work in groups of 3 or 5 kids. From the feedback your daughter's teacher is giving you, she is not there yet.

I don't know your daughter's teacher's criteria on (any further) on why she decided to have her picked up after 3 hours, if this is because she feels your girl just isn't ready yet to hang with the group for the entire day or if there's another dynamic that hasn't been described. If I were the parent, I would actually try to have my child go for the full time again, given that it's been a few months and kids do tend to mature a bit more as time goes by. Has that idea been introduced? You might ask "let's try doing this for one month-- keeping her there all day. " This would give your daughter some time to realize that this might be the new normal for her, and she might have enough curiosity to want to enter the playtimes and activities. Let the teacher know that you will pick up if there's a behavioral issue, but if your girl isn't being stretched, then she's not going to have any inclination to want to participate. Usually, too, the developmentally appropriate solution (per the NAEYC Developmentally Appropriate Practice book) is that we allow a child *not* to participate as long as they are keeping themselves occupied in a way which does not disturb the others or require you to be one-on-one with them. This may or may not factor in, depending on the program the school is running, some preKs are like an " intensive course" for the age and personally, I would steer clear of those.)... in any case, if your daughter isn't being allowed to give this a shot again, I would wonder why.

So often, we allow our kids to do what's 'easy' but then we set them up for future expectations of us coming to pick up early, etc. At three, it's not a huge deal, but most of the preschool teachers I know would likely want to work toward that goal of your daughter doing the whole PreK3 day.

I can also speak from my own experience that there were a couple of kids I taught whom I recommended an extra year of preschool for. These were kids who had challenges in many realms; they still had a ways to go socially and emotionally and in terms of following the group along for the day.. I felt an extra year of preschool would be easier for the family in the long run than having the child repeat kindergarten. At 3 and 4 and 5, kids won't notice the social implications of repeating a year than they might at 6 and already in the elementary school system.

It may also be that you should look for a more play-based preschool. How structured is the school day? You want to see a routine with some circle activites/storytelling/gathering time, but this should be balanced with a LOT of free play time, both indoors and outside. This is the time when kids are prime to do more of their social growth-- when the adults aren't running the show. At this age, I limited gathering times (where we sing/music and movement, read a book, play a group game/charades/games, present instructions for a project which could also be done by the children in a fairly open-ended manner) to 20 minutes max, for a full day, we might have 3 of those times (morning, before lunch or after lunch, and before pick-up, as the kids wind down from play and await their parents).... so consider, too, how much your daughter is enjoying the program in and of itself. I can also forward you a great article on HOW children often choose math activities in free play time-- it's not just about the numbers or letters, but math as a whole subject (block play, pattern blocks, beading patterns, dump and pour/sensory play, cooking, dramatic play and art can all incorporate different elements of math).

Not knowing your daughter or the program, and having not seen them in action, I can't really definitively say that the either you or the teacher are right. I will say that, as the mom of a former preschooler myself, sometimes our preschool teachers do tell us things which disappoint us to hear. I've been on both sides of this, so I do understand your questions and concerns. From your So What Happened, it is often the social/emotional piece of being in a new setting which can be a big hurdle for some little kids-- they have SO much to learn in that regard, I really think academics should come in a distant second place to the social/emotional growth and development of self-care skills. (dressing/toileting self, wiping one's own nose, good handwashing, etc.) Try to be a team with the teacher as much as you can, try to keep an open dialogue, and do consider what will be the best for your daughter in the longer-term. Would you be open to the possibility of having them move her up to PreK4 but then find an extra year of preschool elsewhere if it was necessary? Some savvy parents have done this, too. They just realized that their kid needed an extra year so that they could enter kindergarten with their feet solidly under them, so to speak. In the big picture, doing an extra year of preschool likely isn't going to be as big a deal to the child as repeating K or 1st would. Just food for thought.

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C.N.

answers from Baton Rouge on

It's preschool, it's not real school. The idea of repeating a "grade" in preschool is ludicrous.

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D.K.

answers from Pittsburgh on

The current recommendations are for play based pre K and for children to have the option to participate or not. They should not be doing a lot of sitting in one place doing worksheets or other 'work. I am not sure what they learn in PK3 that would be a prerequisite to PK4 or whatever comes next. My son was in daycare, started preK when he turned 3 and actual kindergarten when he was 5. The kids could participate in circle time, etc or they had a quiet area to read/look at books or play if they did not want to participate. I see no reason she should repeat. I would definitely speak with her teacher/head of school to learn what their goals are and be sure they mesh with yours.

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T.S.

answers from San Francisco on

This "school" sounds terrible, it sounds more like a day care. I'd look for something else. 8 to 2:30 is longer than my elementary kids' school day (they go from 8 to 1:55 from K to 3rd grade.) Preschool is usually 2 to 3 days, for like 3 hours a day, it's meant to be a gentle introduction to actual school.
Of COURSE your daughter is not ready for a full time, five days per week schedule, she's THREE! Please give her a break and let her go to a normal PT preschool like most kids do.

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D.D.

answers from Pittsburgh on

I would wait until late April or May and then schedule another parent-teacher conference. Kids can change so much in such a short time, what she is doing right now is not an indicator of what she'll be ready for next fall.

Also, find out what the difference is between the 2 curriculums. In my child's preschool, the biggest differences between the 3 year old class and 4 year old class are the amount of time they are expected to be able to keep their attention on one thing. If your daughter has a shorter attention span, she may struggle in preK4, but do just fine - and still be learning and socializing - in another year of PreK3.

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M.M.

answers from Chicago on

She's 3!
You'll notice a world of difference between her now and a year from now.
Yes, I would fight this. Preschool is about socialization. Not about educational progress. Of course she wanted to go home after a 1/2 day....a full day is long time for them at that age!

I think your approach is correct, and you should move her forward. She'll develop naturally on her own over the remainder of the year - with or without school.

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S.R.

answers from Washington DC on

I think its okay either way. If she repeats pre-3, so what? I do think she should only stay till 11 though. It is a long day. I only had my dd go 1/2 day in preschool and kindergarten. I think she gained a lot from working with me at home the other half of the day (or in your case with grandparents).

In the big scheme of things, there's no need to rush. My dd is 10 and preschool seems insignificant at this point. I'm sure it helped, but I don't think one level vs. another would make a bit of difference.

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T.S.

answers from San Francisco on

Preschool is optional. Children attend for social reasons, learning to share, take turns, how to be a good friend, building independence, etc. There should be no worries about counting or "catching up" at this point.
Look for an NAEYC accredited, play based preschool, those are the most progressive and respected among early childhood education professionals. And I would say that 8 to 2:30 is a LONG day, way too long for a child to be in a structured environment. My kids (when they were 3 and 4) went three mornings a week, from 9 to 12:30 and that was perfect. When they started K they went from 9 to 1:30. They didn't start full days until 1st grade!

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S.H.

answers from Honolulu on

This is Preschool.
Not PreK.
She is only 3.

All Preschools, vary in approach.
Some focus on academics. Some focus on socialization and light coverage of basic "academics" like counting and recognition of the alphabet, and coloring etc. It is an introduction... to things. It is not, Kindergarten. It is preschool. And it is not required that a kid, who is only 3, master all of this, already prior, or now.
And again, she is only 3.
AND she has only been in Preschool, for 5 months. (?) but you said the program is only 5 weeks and she started in last August?
That is not long. At all.
AND many kids, are reserved or shy at first or it is just their personality. No big deal.
Both my kids were that way, initially. And until a kid gets used to, being there and hopefully liking it, then they go through an 'adjustment' time.
Normal.

Per "catching up" with what is taught there.
Well, preschool is when and where, a kid acquires... more skills and aptitude and comprehension of MANY things. It is not, just about "academics."
When my son for example, was in Preschool at 4 years old, he ONLY had, about 6 months of Preschool, before entering Kindergarten. AND when he entered Preschool... he was only with me, I was home with him, I did not drill him on academics or social skills before entering, and he was NOT interested anyway in all of that. BUT, when he went to Preschool, he liked it, and then, was learning things. Socially and academically. But the academics was not, the main focus, at his preschool.
AND even once he entered Kindergarten, well, he was not all knowing about the basic academics yet. But, once he got in Kindergarten, his acquisition of "academics" and social skills... flourished. And he quickly, learned and did well.
In a span of just a couple of months... you could not even tell, that just prior to that, my son did not even bother counting to 50 or knowing all of his ABC's nor reading yet. But like over night, he quickly learned all of that and caught on well, and was in Kindergarten and was, on par.
I was not worried, with how he was in Preschool. Because per age and developmentally and per personality... I knew, in my gut, that my son did not have a problem.

Your daughter has not been in Preschool very long.
She is only 3.
And many kids, are just more introverted. No biggie.
Thing is: most people think extroverted kids are more ahead. But that is not true. It is just that they are more noticed, than the more reserved kids. And socially, all kids adapt and interact, in different pacing.
And that program is only 5 weeks.
That is no way, to ascertain a child, in just that short time period.
Kids do not just develop and adapt and master EVERYTHING etc., in just 5 weeks, just because that is how long the program is.

Why don't you, find a Preschool for her, that she can attend for 1/2 days, either part-time or everyday?
That is what I did with my kids.
And they loved it.
Choose a Preschool, that is more appropriate.
My kids attended Preschools, that was play oriented. Sure they learned stuff too, but it was not about "academics."
My kids went to Preschool part-time. Half days.

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J.G.

answers from Chicago on

She's three, she shouldn't even be in school.

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A.V.

answers from Washington DC on

It may also be like this program isn't a good fit. She is ONLY 3, so I don't think it matters so much at that age. My DD wasn't in any program at 3 and is also an August baby.

If you don't agree with her, perhaps find a program which has an older 3s class and/or is only half days to begin with. IMO, a preschool program for 3s should be simple, and play-based. The time to worry about numbers is 4 going to 5 going to K. Not 3 to 4. If you do keep her in the same class, ensure that she will not be bored doing the same things. Had my DD not gone to K, I would have sought another program because the teachers admitted that they were not sure they could keep up with DD. In our case, it was a maturity issue (she is a young 5). You need to talk to them about what they see (kids change SO much so quickly), why they are so concerned now in January and what the plan is.

I also hate to say it but sometimes small schools seem reluctant to let the maybes go forward because they need enrollment. Might that be a factor? She stays in the 3s room next year and maybe an additional year vs going into K?

Whatever happens, remember, she is 3. She doesn't need to be a supergenius.

ETA: I was just reminded that a friend's son entered an academic prek program and was in tears in a week. She was looking for some ABCs and they were on the fast track to early reading and math. If a child hadn't entered their program at 2.5, they were behind the day they started. So take a look at your goals. Friend moved her son to a play based school and he entered K the same as my DD and is doing well. My DD learned how to sit in a circle, take directions from others, get along with peers - as well as some science, math, music and reading along the way. She is already reading in two languages and is expected to be at a mid-first grade level by the end of K. Play based doesn't mean no learning. It's just learning through the way they see the world. DD did a half-day program, 5 days a week.

And FYI, not all districts offer PreK. In our area, it's need-based and we do not qualify. So she may not have a district option. I sometimes wished that I had a child born definitively earlier or later in the year so that I was not hemming and hawing what to do the summer before K. But I think that 3 yrs old is too soon to be worrying about where and who she will be when she's 5.

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L.A.

answers from Austin on

She is 3. She is not in school, she is in day care.
She should be playing, talking, singing.

Is there a curriculum?
If she is having problems physically that needs to checked out. The rest really can fall into normal unless she cannot see, speak or hear, and then once again she needs to see a specialist.

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P.R.

answers from Cleveland on

I'd try not to worry about it already and request a sit down in May/June. It's so early to already be deciding this! But with an Aug bday and a premie, I'd likely figure on having her start K a year later vs just make the cut off. So many people hold their kids back now as it is that I think if a child is borderline at all either emotionally, physically and/or academically, it's to the child's advantage to wait a year. I've seen with my kids how it's just easier to be older and have things mastered than playing slight catch up. Why not give her the advantage since her bday is so borderline anyway?... So keeping her in the 3's room now would be a nonissue to her at this age - she doesn't really get how the age distribution works - but later if you did need to hold her back in K or 1st or 2nd, it'd be more of an issue for her. So I'd base most of my decision on what you were planning for K. And of course it's early for that but I'd seriously consider having her start at just turned 6 vs just turned 5. I'd also ask around in your school district what the norm seems to be though. It seems like it can vary by school whether or not the parents send at just turned 5 or not quite 5 or most wait till 6 now.

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S.T.

answers from Houston on

I wouldn't fight so much as fact find. You want your daughter to develop socially and preschool is great for that purpose. My three year old has been in a school type daycare for one year now. He has matured socially in ways I couldn't imagine previously. He spent the first two years at home with dad and a nanny so I hear you about Curious George learning. We don't emphasize the learning at all and neither does our "school" at this age. Instead the kids are allowed to be kids but there is a loose learning framework in place so they can start adjusting to the idea of school on a gradual basis. Our little guy has learned colors, shapes, numbers, etc. all while being able to a toddler. So with that said I would sit down with her teacher and ask her what she's seeing and how that is playing into her decision to hold your daughter back. I suspect the teacher is seeing something socially with your daughter rather than something educational. BUT that's a total guess. You should ask her teacher and go from there. I wouldn't hesitate to hold my sons back if I thought they needed it socially especially at these young ages. Kids can make huge strides in a few months and if holding them back helps, then I am all for it. Sometimes kids need more time and space to get up to speed instead of being overwhelmed and frustrated. Good luck.

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L.R.

answers from Washington DC on

:You don't want to hear this but....She is in school too long and too many days a week. You say you are "not fond of the hours" but feel she needs preschool - yes, I believe in preschool, but your three-year-old is doing almost as many hours of school each week as my 13-year-old middle schooler.

Did you shop around? Why is this all-day, every day option the only one available? There are plenty of preschools that offer three or four day programs, or shorter hours, and they can be as challenging and socializing as any full-time one. I think it's time for you to find another preschool, rather than focusing on what class she is in at only THIS one program. You talk as if the sole options were "staying home all day with her grandparents" or this long, long preschool day. Those surely are not the only options in an area with as much to offer as the Houston area.

Consider finding her a program that is perhaps three days a week for three hours a day, or four days for three hours. You seem determined that she be in this six and a half hour program five days a week; what's the reason? Yes, preschool is good and I'm a big advocate -- it does a lot to ready kids for life (socialization) and school (listening to an adult who is not mom or dad, following instructions, etc.) but what you describe is too many hours for too many days.

Unless you need this long schedule as day care because you work -- put her in fewer hours in a good, enriching program and she will do better, not worse. She already seems to know her own limits. Sometimes we need to listen to our kids, not to our own ideas of what they "should" have to reach some developmental point we (or the internet or books) think they should do.

If she is tiring out and not participating in this preK3 class, why the determined stance that she should move on to preK4? I would not have her repeat preK3 but I also would not have her move to this next level; I would find a new preschool.

If you are very invested in the idea of an "academic" program (and it's not really about having her do enough hours that it's day care) -- please read up on development for her age and reconsider it. Not sure if the place where she is now is really into so-called preschool "academics" but at three they primarily need to know how to do what an adult says; how to move without meltdowns from one activity to another, when told to do so; how to share better and better with time; how to leave other kids alone and give appropriate space; and other things like that -- but you only mention whether she can count. Please do some hard looking at other types of preschool programs and seriously consider following her lead and sending her for fewer hours. If she is "done" by 11 (yet not melting down, which is a good thing) then why force her to stay for hours more, when there are very good programs that last three or four hours, instead of nearly seven?

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S.A.

answers from Chicago on

My son also has an August birthday. He turned 4 in Aug of 2013 and is in a PreK 4 class. It meets M,W,F from 8:00-10:30. To me, this is perfect.

I did not send him to PreK 3 at all.

IMHO, 3 is too young to be in all day preschool. If her grandparents are willing to watch her half days, I would find a different program for next year that offers half day preschool. She will get the socialization and kindergarten preparedness that she needs in a half day class.

Our school also offers a combined 3/4 all day class, and it's essentially daycare in the afternoon. All of the learning takes place in the morning, and then they have lunch, nap, and play time in the afternoon. I suspect most if not all full day preschool programs are set up like this.

If you like the preschool, and really don't want her held back, just tell the teacher that you don't agree and have her moved to PreK 4 next year.

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A.M.

answers from Phoenix on

Here's my opinion.

You trust the teacher enough to put your daughter in her care for an entire day 5 days a week, you should trust their educated opinion. They have reasons for recommending the repeat, and although you don't have to follow the recommendation, you may be doing a great disservice to your daughter by not taking the recommendation of a trained professional. Your talking about holding her back as a three year old verses holding her back as a 5,6 or 7 year old who can't keep up with her classmates. Which decision do you think will be easier on her?

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C.T.

answers from Santa Fe on

I would put her in a preschool for 4-5 year olds next year. And the year she is turning 5 for kindergarten THEN I would talk to the teacher to see what they think.If they think she is not ready for Kindergarten, then it is time to listen seriously to what they say. There is nothing wrong with being 6 in Kindergarten. Because of when my daughter's birthday falls, she will turn 6 right after Kindergarten starts. Also, if it were me I would put her in a MWF, half day preschool (9 to noon). If you have someone like grandparents or yourself that can watch her that is. PS - My children's preschool is from 9 to noon and has kids aged 3-5 all in the same room. The focus is getting ready for Kindergarten...even though it is a play based preschool. They have circle time, learn days of the week, months, weather, colors, shapes, the alphabet and numbers. But all in a fun play kind of way. They do a lot of art, science, and field trips. They also have 4 playgrounds so there is a lot of outdoor time. They set up many different activities each day much like a kindergarten room. The school also has three full day "daycare" rooms as well. One room is for 2 year olds, one for 3 year olds and one for the 4-5 year olds.

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F.B.

answers from New York on

I would ask for a meeting/ phone call/ letter/ e-mail detailing why she thinks your daughter isn't ready for advancement. I would ask what plan she has in place, if any to gain improvements in the areas which your daughter seems deficient. I would ask your parents if they could pop by the school during class hours and watch unobserved (our daycare had discreet mirrored windows for peeking into classrooms).

Don't go in confrontational. Rather your tone should be one of a person who is seeking information, willing to be a team player, but not necessarily resigned to the decision for a repeat.

If she advocates for a repeat, and you trump her call, consider another school or at least another class. You would hope that a teacher would be professional enough to set your disagreement aside, but it could pepper her interractions with your child.

Best,
F. B.

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J.C.

answers from Philadelphia on

At this age, I think your daughter should be with her same age peers. I am not against holding a child back but a 4yo should not be with 3yo's. FYI...the teacher can make a recommendation but it is entirely up to you what class she is in.

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P.N.

answers from Denver on

I haven't read any of your responses, so sorry if I repeat someone's answer...
Your daughter is in daycare. Period. Call it what you want, but when you put a 3 year old toddler in ANYTHING for almost 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, its called daycare.
With that said, since you have chosen daycare for your child, I'm assuming you will continue to choose that for the next 2-3 years, until she is ready for Kindergarten. Who cares what room she is in there, or what they call the group? You need childcare, and you have chosen this particular daycare for her. If you don't like the daycare, switch providers.

And if I had a teacher telling me my child needed to repeat a grade, I would take that seriously. BUT, is she a certified teacher, or just a non-degreed daycare worker? Beyond that, I think your daughter is showing strong signs that she still needs to be with her primary caregiver (assuming that's the grandparents who were raising her during most of her waking hours?). She misses them.

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M.S.

answers from Omaha on

She isn't in 5th grade, she's 3. The teacher recommended. Say thank you, and move her up. I had to switch preschools because I just didn't like the director. You may need to find a fit that will work best for you and your child. I think it's absurd to put that label of being held back on a 3 year old. I would turn the tables and look at them and assume they just don't know what they are doing, and they are the ones that need some kind of training.

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D..

answers from Miami on

I totally agree with you that comments saying she shouldn't be in school are unhelpful. I will also say that I agree with you that there's no good reason for her to be in preschool all day at this point too.

I wonder if you might consider looking at a different preschool program, though. This one seems a bit inflexible, and that bothers me. She is only 3 and there is a lot of room for development. If I were in your shoes, I would do that. A full day program is too much right out of the starting gate, especially since she's not really ready for it.

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T.T.

answers from Washington DC on

I don't like that they are assessing a three-year-old in this manner. Preschool at this age should be mostly about learning social skills and taking direction. I personally think it would be most beneficial for her to stay with her same-age peers. From what you said, her behavior and development is well within the normal range. If this were my child, I'd consider pulling her out of this preschool altogether.

And yes, I agree that this program sounds like way too much for her. If you have the option of letting her stay home with her grandparents at least some of the time, why not take it?

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J.H.

answers from New York on

My kids both started out at a Mothers Day Out at our church in Dallas - 2 days a week at 2 yrs old (9-2:30), 3 days a week at 3 yrs, 5 days a week (possible half days - I can't remember!) at 4 yrs. I think you are totally right in your decision to send her to school, but I do agree with others that say you may want to look at other schools in the area too that aren't so set on milestones to reach in PreK.

And also it's not that bad of a thing to hold her back another year if it is apparent it could help her. So many people do that with August birthdays.

Good luck with whatever you choose.

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M.W.

answers from Chicago on

She's 3…. standards that cold hold back a 3 year old so unreasonable. The possibility of choosing her to be held back now or in grade1 seem so far fetched. Sorry to the person who wrote that below, but I strongly disagree. There's no requirement of preschool anything (k3, k4 or k5) before beginning K so why would any grade thereafter be a possible failure because of what she can't do at age 3?? SHE'S 3! My oldest went to preschool but we didn't have $ for my second daughter so I taught her how to read, write, etc. at home. I worked at her pace which means some days we spent 10 minutes, some days 30 minutes. All day for a 3 year old is way too much, especially with this being her first time in a structured classroom setting. If I were you, I'd fight it or switch schools.

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P.K.

answers from New York on

OMG she is 3 1/2 years old. Two or three half days would give her what she needs. Full days everyday was way too much. Just because teacher recommends it does not mean you have to do it. I wouldn't. At this point the fact that she was a preemie is irrelevant. That was three 1/2 years ago and she has done well, so let that go. I don't know what people want from little ones these days!

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S.H.

answers from Santa Barbara on

Is your goal to have her start Kinder when she is 5 in August? Is the preschool advising you that she might be a better candidate to start Kinder when she is 6, therefore suggestion the extra year of prek3?

Many schools ask if a baby is a preemie and add on the extra weeks to see if she really is equal to a child born 7 weeks later (I know not much difference as the kids get older). In her case her full term b-day may be more inline with the PreK3 for next year.

I also see the goal of adding more to the education (i would think prek4 expects more than prek3) which means your daughter will be exposed to more and have more expectations. For some reason this does not always translate into the child grasping the material. Rather they could zone out or act out.

In your case, I would ask the teacher to revisit the idea in March. In the long run i personally would error on the side of extra care. The younger the group often mean more adult/teacher attention. Would you be okay with her starting kinder as a 5 almost 6 year old? (I would be, but some parents are not).

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J.C.

answers from Anchorage on

IF she does not have the social maturity to stay the whole time and needs to leave early then I agree that she may need to repeat the level. Counting and all that is great, but not being able to handle the whole class day is a huge red flag that socially she has more maturing to do.

When a child moves on to kindergarden them knowing how to count and tie there shoes and the like is nice for the teacher, but not needed or necessary. What is needed is the social maturity to handle being in class and listening and being involved and participating all day. That is the skill she needs to work on.

Also, being "held back" in preschool is not like repeating a grade once the child is in actual school. Preschool is not required and not all kids go. Being "help back" will have zero impact on her further along and may give her much needed time to catch up with her peers socially.

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C.B.

answers from Boston on

Preschool is really not for academic learning but for social learning. To transition from one activity to another when someone else tells you to, to play nice with others, to wait your turn, etc. Since she seems uncomfortable in a setting where there is zero pressure to perform, taking her to the next level may add more demands (I don't recall exactly, but writing you name and learning letters is now part of the preK class, my kids only did 2 years preK at 3 and 4). At this point she has not made a group of friends that she will miss when they move on and she does not, and next year she may open up more when she has had more experience in school. Holding her back later will be a problem since then she will have a group of friends that are "her class" and she will realize she is not with them. Since she was a premie and often premies are not their true age from birth but developmentally their age from birth minus the amount they were early, I would keep her back and make sure she is comfortable socially before moving her up.
Oh and my kids did Tue/Thurs the first year afternoons only and then Mon/Wed/Fri afternoons only. Your program does sound very long for a 3 year old.

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E.M.

answers from Phoenix on

With an August birthday, she is likely going to be the very youngest or very oldest in her class once she starts school. In AZ anyway, the cut-off is September 1. I have a September 28 baby, so he is in a similar position. If your daughter is in the 3's now, 4's next year, then K, she would be a very young kindergartener (assuming a similar cut-off age). I know that having your kid be "behind" from the beginning can seem scary. I was pretty upset when I did the math and figured out that my younger son would be nearly a year older than most of the kids in his class. However, this can actually be a huge asset. Being on the older end of things means the child has had that much longer to perfect social skills, learn to focus, manners, etc. Your daughter would have, "worst" case scenario, a full three years of preschool. That would be a huge, huge asset to an entering K! She will not have the struggles of learning to adapt to a classroom environment while also making major steps in academics. She will likely have all of the basics mastered, so she can explore more complex concepts and true mastery of basic concepts. That is a gift to your child. I would not automatically reject the teacher's suggestion, maybe schedule a meeting to really listen to her reasoning. Maybe talk about trying the 4's class for 2-3 weeks and then re-evaluating. Maybe set up some classes over the summer and the re-evaluate near the beginning of next school year. But ultimately, don't panic if she repeats a year in the 3's class. You are doing a great job setting her up for academic success.

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B.D.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Personally when I think of 3 year preschool anything beyond 3 hours is daycare.

It sounds like the day is too long for her. Honestly there are 5 year olds that have trouble in full day kindergarten so how could they expect any 3 year old to go that long, unless it is daycare.

Around here, a normal 3 year old program is about 2 1/4 hours, two days a week. The 4 year program is about 2 1/2 hours 3 days a week. A transition class may be 4-5 days per week but still only 2 1/2 hours.

What would I do?

I would find a regular 2 1/2 hour 4 year program next year. See how she does. If that preschool teacher has her reservations than I would hold her back from kindergarten and find a transitional program.

As it stands now she will be one of the youngest in her kindergarten class. I would have my reservations about that, but cross that bridge when you come to it.

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X.Y.

answers from Chicago on

She's still a baby. Do you plan on putting her in kindergarten when she is just turning 5?

My daughters birthday is Aug 25th, we opted to wait till she turned 6 to put her in school. My sister was encouraged to put my niece in school early and she is a junior in high school. Seeing my young niece be a train wreck in the brutal world of High School, I am so sad that she is so young minded to be able to handle the brutality of high school.

We wanted our daughter to be the oldest rather than the youngest in school. We hope there is a maturity *advantage* if she is on the older side. There is enough peer pressure and other pressures in school and no need to potentially make it worse with her being the youngest.

So what I'm saying is don't rush your petite preemie. You didn't really state why the teacher recommends holding her back. But I have to say that is one long intense day for a younger child. Ask your daughter how she feels about school and think about your long term goals with when you want her to start school. It was an easy decision for us only because we didn't think about elementary school, it was middle and high school that we thought about.

Good luck

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M.O.

answers from New York on

Really, my thought would be to look for a different preschool/pre-K. My son had a terrible time at a preschool at 2. He was quiet/reserved to the point of selective mutism. The very short version of the story is that we switched him to a Montessori school, and he absolutely thrived. Today, at 7, he has some mild social and motor delays, but academically he's years ahead of grade level.

That said, there ARE plenty of good reasons to give a child the "gift of time." From your description, I'm just not sure your daughter fits into that. This potentially seems more like a "wrong fit for the kid" issue, not a "needs an extra year to mature" type of thing.

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B.L.

answers from San Antonio on

Ummmm she's THREE! What exactly is she supposed to know calculus? It sounds like the teacher doesn't like children that don't fit the "mold". Pre- anything isn't required for Kindergarten so why the fuss? So she doesn't like to be there after 11 or so. So what? If you could be with your grandparents and be the center of attention all day with your own schedule, why would you want to be with other kids ALL day? And there's nothing wrong with that. Maybe she won't ever be Miss Social Butterfly. So? When my daughter went to Kinder- after only attending Mother's Day Out once a week- and yes the kinder was a half day except for Thursday which was all day- she loved it. Looked forward to going, talked about the teacher, what they were doing, etc. When I asked her once if she would like the extended program on Monday where she could stay longer like on Thursdays she said no. She wanted to go home. On Fridays, when she got home, we would have lunch and she would go straight to her room and play by herself for about an hour. Then come out and talk to me, read with me, etc. She needed that hour of down time to herself. And that was "self exile". I never asked or made her do it. Fast forward. She is now 13. She is on the yearbook, track team, speech and debate, active at church, etc. In short academically she is ahead and has friends and things she likes to do. A well rounded kiddo. And yet, there are days when she says "this weekend I'm going to do nothing." And she doesn't. Doesn't get together with friends, call them, zip. Just stays home in her pjs and reads, watches TV, walks the dogs (we have 13.5 acres) swims in the pool. In short, she recharges. I'm OK with that. She is just wired that way and frankly I'm glad she realizes that and sets aside some quiet time. We adults need to do that ourselves. So should you change schools? Absolutely. Find one that is not all day and loves your child who marches to a different drummer. And stop worrying about milestones. She's THREE!!

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A.L.

answers from Atlanta on

Our daughter repeated the first year of pre-K because she needed an extra year to mature, develop confidence, and just become ready socially. It was never a matter of academics or physical skills--she was ahead or right on target in those areas. She has a late July birthday, and therefore was either going to be younger or older than her classmates anyhow. In our case, on the teachers' recommendations and after conferring with teachers, we agreed that she would benefit from being older before moving into elementary school (the result of repeating the first year of Pre-K). Indeed, it has been better, even though she complains about having been 'held back' sometimes [Big Brother told her that]. It sounds like your daughter may be in a similar situation, particularly if she isn't up to being in the Pre-K program for the full day yet. You might wait to see how things develop over the next few months, however from the information you've given, the teacher is probably right that your daughter needs some more time to mature into school-readiness, and it won't harm her at all to spend the extra time in pre-k.

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A.B.

answers from San Antonio on

I agree with those who say you need to consider another school. Sometimes kids just have a different "chemistry" with different teachers. My son didn't behave well for his preK4 teacher last year, and she was one of the most beloved teachers in the school by many parents. He is a complete angel for his kg teacher--just a different teacher personality. The kg teacher is less strict than his preK4 teacher and that personality meshes better with my son's.

I have not heard of holding back a child in PreK3. It is common to hold back a child with an August birthday. But that usually is a decision made after PreK4, not PreK3.

And, sure, that may be a long day, but as others have said, she'd only miss lunch and nap by going home at 11...

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K.C.

answers from Los Angeles on

What reasons did she give you for wanting to keep her back? Nothing you said in your post makes me think that she needs to be in a three year old class when she's four years old. Also, it REALLY bothers me when a teacher says in January that a child can't advance in September. Imagine how much a 3 year old can learn in eight months! She will be far more advanced then than she is now. Please move her forward. She needs to be with her same age peers in order to develop socially.

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M.L.

answers from Cleveland on

my first read through your post sounded like the teacher as talking social and emotional maturity and you were talking academic abc 123 maturity. to totally diff things.

if a kid " checks out" whines and cries etc they are not going to be learning. but a 3 yo program should have a type of rest time in the afternoon and kids should not really needing to be "participating".

unless you are just doing a poor job of describing this situation it makes your provider sound bad. but if they were that bad they would have forced her to stay in the full day program so I'm a lot confused.

my honest suggestion is to look for a place that jives better for your child and family.

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A.M.

answers from Dallas on

I would try a different teacher or school. There is no reason a 3 year old should spend another whole year with a teacher who she obviously isn't into. Small kids react to different teachers in different ways, same for the management of these schools. My 3 yr old DD goes to day care and is fully engaged all day except nap and eating time. She gets bored sometimes b/c she goes 8-6 every day; almost all the kids there do. The teachers know they get bored and find ways to engage them and entertain them. If this is not happening with your DD, it seems more of a teacher problem.

For example, it is very odd to me that the teacher would suggest that she stop staying until 2:30 and only stay until 11 b/c she was unengaged. That is strange because there are so many activities there and the teacher should be armed with a lot of tactics to spur her interest. I have never heard of a teacher saying stop coming for 3 hours. Also 11-2:30 is generally lunch and nap time; doesn't make sense to me.

One thing I have learned over these 3 years is that kids react vastly differently to various teachers. I would move her to a different teacher/school, whether or not she is ready, because this one doesn't seem to connect with your child. Sometimes it just takes a new person who connects better. Especially since this is your first school, I want to say don't stay married to it. Find something really cool your DD enjoys; they are out there, this one may just be a dud.

One final thought, she may have learned along the way that her G'parents are available to come get her. Heck she may even feel sorry for her G'parents being alone without her. Kids come up with strange ideas. Nip this in the bud and make sure she knows that they are not going to pick her up mid-day. She is not going to start staying home with them again. Host some informal play dates or parties with her friends at school. Once she focuses on them, she will want to be with her friends during the day.

Good luck!

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G.B.

answers from Oklahoma City on

It's not even real school, it's exactly what she'd be getting if she was enrolled in full time child care.

Sorry, put her in regular Pre-K through your local elementary school program next fall and don't look back.

Truthfully many child care centers don't even have all day classes for their 3 and 4 year old kids because they all go to Head Start or some other pre-school program, if that child care doesn't advertise their program as a pre-school program which they can do because there are not regulations for pre-school. It's just a basic 1/2 to 1 hour of educational activities during that whole day.

Enroll her in real school at the public school and you'll be much happier.

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M.K.

answers from Stationed Overseas on

I haven't read the other responses but I have a 33wk preemie. She started pre-K3 at almost 4yo because her birthday is in Oct and the cutoff here is the end of Sept. I had the option to start her in Jan right after she turned 3 but decided against it because she was not ready emotionally. She could do all the academic stuff but she was no where ready. Maturity wise she was never on the same page as her peers. She was also always, always behind in development. She had caught up physically but was not mature enough to handle school at 3yo. Even at almost 4yo I had told the teachers that if she wasn't ready to let me know and I would pull her out of school but she did great. I also have a 34wk preemie that will be 3yo in Sept. I am planning on starting him at preschool 2 days a week for 3hrs because that's how most preschools work around here. There is no way my kids could handle a full day it's just too much for that age in my opinion. He will have the same teachers and I have already discussed with them that if he is not ready then I'll pull him out. They are in agreement with me and will not pressure a child who is not ready.
I would ask yourself if your daughter is truly ready for school. Maybe the day is too long for her. Maybe she's not there maturity wise. I've always been told that by 2yo preemies should be caught up. But I have found that its just not the case all the time. What is best for your child?

Updated

I haven't read the other responses but I have a 33wk preemie. She started pre-K3 at almost 4yo because her birthday is in Oct and the cutoff here is the end of Sept. I had the option to start her in Jan right after she turned 3 but decided against it because she was not ready emotionally. She could do all the academic stuff but she was no where ready. Maturity wise she was never on the same page as her peers. She was also always, always behind in development. She had caught up physically but was not mature enough to handle school at 3yo. Even at almost 4yo I had told the teachers that if she wasn't ready to let me know and I would pull her out of school but she did great. I also have a 34wk preemie that will be 3yo in Sept. I am planning on starting him at preschool 2 days a week for 3hrs because that's how most preschools work around here. There is no way my kids could handle a full day it's just too much for that age in my opinion. He will have the same teachers and I have already discussed with them that if he is not ready then I'll pull him out. They are in agreement with me and will not pressure a child who is not ready.
I would ask yourself if your daughter is truly ready for school. Maybe the day is too long for her. Maybe she's not there maturity wise. I've always been told that by 2yo preemies should be caught up. But I have found that its just not the case all the time. What is best for your child?

M.B.

answers from Beaumont on

you will either need to hold her back now or before she starts first grade. You pick the year.

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M.F.

answers from Houston on

If I were you I would switch her to a school with a two or three day program. Preschool is very beneficial but this is way too much. If your parents can watch her that is wonderful. Could they possibly take her to story time at the library, the park, or maybe a local museum sometimes? Could you sign her up for a gymnastics class during the day that they could take her to once a week? I promise that doing these things will make her thrive without it being too much and too long of a day. I would not consider holding her back yet, reevaluate next year going into kindergarten. My five year old is in the preK 4's and goes three days a week for three hours. My older son did the same thing. He did/does really well in school and has tested above the level the school requires them to be. I expect my daughter to do well next year in kindergarten too.

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