Tantrums and Terrible Sleeping After Starting New Daycare, How to Handle??

Hello Chandra-

I was a nanny for many years, and I bet that your son is missing his old nanny a lot. A Nanny to a child is like Mom #2, so when she leaves, he has a hard time understanding why AND wonders if Mom will leave too.

I left my family 5 years ago when the Dad lost his job, after being with them for 4 years, to this day the youngest (now 9) expects me to make his birthday cake and still calls me "his Nanny".

I suggest you have your old Nanny call your son to say Hi, have your son draw her a picture and talk about him missing her. Let him acknowledge his feelings and help him work through them.

I hope this helps.

R. Magby

A couple things could be going on. First, it is a change in routine and he is missing his nanny too. If there is alot going on at the new daycare, he is probably way over tired! When they get over tired, it can cause everything to go out of whack. I would give it some time and see if they can give him some extra down time at the daycare. Good luck!

How frustrating! I am so sorry you are dealing with this. My (totally unprofessional) opinion would be that you have tried the soothing route and that is clearly not working, so, time to ignore it. I would treat it like any other fit, whatever that is for you. For us it is a warning that it needs to stop and then, if it doesn't, the child is removed to a spot away from everyone else (ie: their room) to finish their fit. As for at night, I think you've got to do the same thing. You could go in and check on him so he doesn't feel completely abandoned, but if he isn't willing to calm down and work with you, you let him cry it out. I know this is easier to say than to do, but I think you've reached a point where accommodating just isn't working and he is going to need to figure out that throwing a fit just isn't okay. Good luck!

Poor little guy, and mom. I think your son is having trouble with this transition and doesn't know how to express it. There is a wonderful work by Dr. Becky Bailey of the Loving Guidance Institute called "I Love Your Rituals" It talks about how to reunify with your child after a separation - like daycare. So that he is routinely reassured and secure in your love for him.

It could be a lot of things like being overly stimulated vs. what he is used to. Is he getting enough of a nap at the new daycare? If not that could be the cause of his frustration and sleep issues, being overly tired is not a good thing for a little one and can cause more issues. Does he not want to go in the morning? We had to change daycares due to a change in job locations and my son did not want to go and would say no school, no friends. When i saw him there he was fine, playing and appeared to be having fun. He started going backward w/potty training and having accidents. He loved his afternoon teacher but not the morning teacher. I wasn't to fond of her either. Due to several issues I pulled them out and took them to a new daycare where they are at today. He/they (little sis too, but she was 1 at the time) has been happy since day one at their current daycare. It could be his way to express that he isn't happy. Find out who takes care of him during the day and how he is with each teacher. You might find your answer. Good luck.

Hi Sandra,

For some reason I cannot view the other responses.
Anyhow, as a mother of three and a psych major I can say that I beleive this is not only transitional this is also due to his age and his cognitive development. Changes during this time of development just add a bit more fuel the the stage of autonomy (doing things independantly). Between two and three kids learn that they have their own way of thinking and doing things and they love to assert their will and see what kind of reaction they might get from it. Take that and add it to a major transition that causes a certain amount of anxiety, adding in Spanish immersion, which requires a great deal of flexibility in thought and understanding (and will leave your son more stimulated and mentally tired), and then to the biology of a boy who around age two starts producing a bit more testosterone (which causes a little more aggressive behavior) and you have a great recipe for many "terrible- two's" type tantrums. Normal as this may be it is certainly nerve wracking for the parent.
What your son will probably best benefit from now is nurturing and patience. I think that you are doing the right thing by going to him and comforting him, but he is taking this as far as he can as well because he is two, tired and not a a place to reason well.
When my son went through this stage he was completey irrational half of the day and then the sweetest angel the next. Bedtime became a big struggle because he was trying to give up his nap but was not ready. The only thing that helped him was routine, routine, routine. He started taking baths everynight to wind down, we read an agreed upon number of books, I sang one song, snuggled five minutes and then it was agreed that he stay in bed. If he woke in the night I comforted him for a minute, put him back in bed, reassured him that he was alright and left the room. When the screaming went on, I would return once to do the same. Eventually we found the thing that worked for him. I started wearing a certain lotion he liked, I put the lotion on his monkey (Monito) so it would smell like mommy and then told him he could sing to his Monito until he could fall asleep. This took awhile but it did work for him.
If you are at your wits end... it is always better to take the time out and try sending another person to comfort your son if possible.
Good luck and keep the faith that this time will pass:-)

Hi Chandra-
My 22-mos old son just went through something similar. He has slept thru the night since he was 3 mos old. Then, last fall around Thanksgiving he started waking up around 2:00 am every night and just would not be consoled. His regular daycare lady closes for the week of Thanksgiving. Did the same contrary thing of saying he wanted something only to throw it down. I tried bringing him to my bed, rocking him in the living room, rubbing his back in his bed - nothing worked. After a week of that I was exhausted, his older brother that he shares a room with was getting tired & whiny, so I called the doctor. They said it sounded like he was out of sorts due to the holidays, that from my description he didn't sound like he had an illness. What they told me to do was to under no circumstances take him out of his bed. When he cried, go to him and let him know I was there and to console him - then sit on the floor or on a chair by the bed where he could see me and let him fuss. After 5 minutes console him again and go sit down again. After 10 minutes, repeat. After 15 min, repeat. It took my son an hour the first night to go back to sleep. The second night it was half that time, and the third night everything was back to normal. I think it was just his way of dealing with the stress of being out of his regular routine. I hope this helps!
J.

.

Whatever the cause, his tantrums are pretty typical for his age - he probably has many more feelings than he could possibly express in the words he has at this point. So when he asks for his blanket, he's really hoping to get some feeling of reassurance - and then he finds that it's not really what he's looking for.

I would just do whatever it takes right now to help him feel secure and loved. Hold him and read to him for as long as you're able. Think about even bringing him into your bed for a little while.

I agree with Rebecca. Sounds like he misses his nanny. You stated he didn't have problems going to another daycare so I don't think that's it. He doesn't understand what he's feeling. He thinks he wants his blanket, but when he get it he realizes he still feels the same and it doesn't help. He doesn't understand that that he misses her. Did he get a chance to say good-bye? Do you have pictures of her? Find a way for him to get closure and move on from it. It's easy for adults to breeze through things like it's no big deal. But your son doesn't understand that the job market got better. All he knows is, something is missing that was once there.

Chandra

I think there are a couple of strong suggestions here that you can act on. It must be hard for him to have said good bye to his nanny and not see her at all. Maybe you can arrange for a play date with the nanny and the other boys so he has some "normalcy" of how it used to be for the transition. I'm sure the other families are having similar problems with their kids transitioning.

You may also want to try putting him to bed even 15 - 20 minutes earlier at night to see if sleep deprivation is part of the problem. He is, no doubt, mentally exhausted after a day of playing and speaking/hearing Spanish, but if he's up for two hours at night, he's missing out on valuable sleep as well. Putting him down earlier may allow him to get better sleep and give him some well needed rest.

A Daycare is very different from having a Nanny... all to himself, just one on one.
Now in Daycare... the entire dynamics is totally different. Larger crowd, more kids, more commotion, different routine, different Caregivers, different expectations there too.
AND, maybe it is not a good fit for him?

He's in great flux. And he's also affected by the other kids there, what goes on, nice kids and not so nice kids etc. So many dynamics. Its like a "culture shock."

Also, maybe the "expectations" there upon him are not in line with his age or maybe it is. Is the group mixed ages, or his age group. This makes a big difference too.

And, his level of communication is certainly not on point nor is a 2 year old fully developed yet at this age... and they simply CANNOT self-manage themselves much less their emotions. Toddlers do not instinctively have "coping skills" for their emotions or thoughts. Rationalization is not fully matured nor capable yet.

Also though, when a kid gets home from school or daycare or preschool... it is like they had a whole day of "work." Its fun but tiring and they get worn out. And if not napping either... they simply short circuit... and then come home and snap.. because they are now home and can then "vent" and be themselves. Versus at school, they are spending ALL day listening to directions and having to behave. Its hard "work" for a little kid. They come home and literally DEFLATE and need to be given space to just vent/deflate/unwind.... and if you try to control "how" they deflate... it can backfire. Meaning for example: when my daughter comes home from school.... I don't instantly nag her or have her do things... I let her just hang out, deflate, vent/talk to me, have a snack, or just lay on the couch like a wilted tired plant.
THEN, once she deflates without pressure... she is her ol' self again. And interacts and can cooperate like her ol' self. I know... when she has had a tiring stressful day at school or not... based on how she comes homes and her demeanor. But a kid has to deflate.... after school/daycare/preschool. Just like a grown-up coming home after a long hard day at work. But the difference is... a grown-up can manage themselves and knows themselves... and can at-will go and turn on the TV, grab a drink, relax and just veg and unwind, and even tell others "be quiet I"m resting" etc., to unwind. A kid can't... they are being told what to do, how to do it, when to do it, etc.

When a kid gets like this, they are just at the end of their rope.
Your son to me is: 2 years old... plus he is still adjusting to his new Daycare and the different demands upon him. And maybe, he is not happy. Can he express himself?

all the best,
Susan

Are you sure that something else is not going on? The behavior sounds extreme for a transition to a place that he previously spent time at. Prior to the transition he was familiar with the daycare so I would think the transition would have been a little bit easier. Something else might be upsetting him, it could be something that is happening at daycare or maby not even related.
I hope things calm down soon