Talking to 4 Year Old About Dog's Death

Oh my goodness I am so sorry you are going through this. We have a dog and know we may have to make this decision in the future.

I would include you son. Many may disagree with me. But here is my reason why. Lies traumatize our children. True we don't have give all the details but enough so that when the child starts to grow and something triggers the memory that will say mama thought enough of me to tell me the truth. Even if you have to do it while he is out of town, make sure to tell him the truth as a 4 year old can understand, "like all dogs go to heaven" if you believe in that.

I just saw a show last night where a young boy was diagnosed with a condition of eating things like clothes, dirt, paper, etc.(I know this is off topic but just follow me...lol) Well, she took the son to the doctor and demanded that the FIX him. Well, the poor child thought he was a freak! Guess what? The doctor finds the Mom in the bathroom of the child's hospital room eating toilet tissue. So she lied and never told the son she had the same condition. When the son found out she had lied all of his life you can imagine how that made him feel. Then the doctor treating the little boy shared with him the lie his mother told that affected him since he was a little boy, who learned of his mom lie, he told the little boy he never forgave his mom and to please find it in is heart to forgive him mom. So! I said all that to say, please be honest with him, don't have him wondering all these years and wondering also if he can ever trust his mom or anyone for that matter.

Sorry so long!

I think that you should do it and tell him when he gets back that the dog had to go to doggie heaven. My mom had to do this twice when I was younger and both times I was away. I was sad when I came home but my mom said it was so hard for her and if I saw her crying (which she rarely did at the time) I think that may have really affected me more. She told me that he was not suffering anymore and we said a prayer. That is the way I would handle it. He is waay to young to say an emotional "good-bye." I am really sorry to hear about your dog and God bless you and your family through this!

Our cat died this past summer just before our daughter turned 4. He was only 5 and it was very sudden--may have been a black widow bite. Anyway, she was confused and sad but took it well. Since you may be getting your dog put down or put to sleep you will want to be careful how you word it. I wouldn't use the words "sleep" to explain death because that will really confuse your son and may make him afraid to sleep. We told our daughter about the life cycle and how when animals and people die, their bodies go back into the earth where they turn back into dirt. (We actually had our cat cremated but we thought that would be a little too much information to process). I think keeping it honest and simple is best. It's up to you if you want your son to say good bye. Our daughter never had a chance to say goodbye as we had to rush out cat to the vet in middle of the night. Saying goodbye might be even harder. Natural death isn't usually scheduled so just saying that they dog died might be easier on all of you. So sorry that you are going through this. :( I know the pain all too well as we put down our 12.5 year old dog 3 years ago but luckily our daughter was way too young to understand. Thinking of you!

My goodness! I understand the need for closure and you want you son to have his chance to say goodbye, but do you really want the animal to continue to suffer if you can do something about it? My suggestion is, call to see if you can get your son back in town and take him with you to the vet. If that is not possible, you might have to just take matters into your own hands and lay the dog down while your son is away. Remember...your four legged family member is in PAIN. Good luck to you and God bless.

I'm so sorry you're going thru this. I've been in the position of deciding whether an animal was ready to be put down too many times and I feel for you. Is it possible to call your son and tell him your dog is very sick? Maybe he could talk to the dog on the phone and have a conversation with her? I personally wouldn't lie about the dog dying, but I think I would hide the fact that she was "put down" from such a young child and simply say she got very sick and died. I definitely wouldn't take a 4 year old to the vet to witness his pet being "put down". Nature works in mysterious ways...perhaps the dog has chosen this time to die while her friend is away.

Strength and love to you,

K.

Making the decision to put beloved pets to sleep is horrifically difficult even for adults. The greatest anguish is prior to the pet's death. The death itself is often a final relief for everyone. Depending on how well you handle your own emotions prior to the actual procedure would be my guide for whether the child should be included. My personal experience with weeping and wailing leads me to believe that a four year old probably only needs to absorb the conceptual information that you provide when they return from their trip. They'll be more upset about you being upset if you are expressing your many mixed emotions the way I do in these situations. Children will spend some time asking questions which you can answer to the depth that they need the information. If you are burying your pet in your yard, or can wait to cremate later, you can arrange the pet on it's comfortable bed with cherished toys or bones and have a service that meets your family's spiritual and emotional needs when the child gets home. You will probably be calmer and the pet will probably look like he's happily sleeping.

a somewhat better introduction to death.

My daughter is now 6. When she was 4, the first of our 3 German Short Haired Pointers got cancer (he was 12). We explained that he was very sick on the inside, and that he was going to die soon. After that we would not be able to see him anymore other than in pictures. She came to the vet with us to tell him goodbye. We told her that he was going to Doggie Heaven where he would have fun, not be in pain, and would wait to see her. We (adults) were both crying a bit at the vet, but explained that it was ok to cry when you were sad.

Over the next two years, we lost our other two dogs (they all died when they hit 12) and my daughter was with us during their passing as well. She now has some idea of mortality, but that you can continue on with the happy memories of a loved pet.

First of all, I'm sorry your family is going through the illness of your family pet.
I offer what we did just in case anything appeals to you, because I think this one all hinges upon what you feel your child (and you) are ready to discuss regarding death, illness, euthanasia, etc.
We had a beloved elderly cat, who my son had known and loved since birth. In old age she became incontinent and had dementia. I realized I was ready to talk about her death with my son - who was about 3-4 at that time -- because it was obvious that she would be leaving us soon, and we did discuss this ahead in preparation. However, she did not die but lingered and suffered, so I one day knew I just couldn't let her keep doing that, but at the same time, I was worried that euthanasia was something I was not ready to discuss with my son - I was worried that he would feel that if he was too sick, what would happen, etc. So....while I normally espouse honesty, I personally chose to compromised on this one; taking her to be euthanized while he was at school and bringing her body back home for burial with the family.
I told my son she'd died, and that I'd found her that way. We made a ritual of burying her, choosing a plant that she liked to mark her grave, etc. and saying good bye. During the daytime ceremony he was very scientifically interested in the death and wanted to be active in the process, but when night came he was very tearful and really felt the impact of her loss, which we just talked about. He was tearful at different times during the next weeks, and he seemed to make the connection to human death on his own, which also made him very sad.
I also found a metaphorical story about death and transformation that I think was from a book called: waterbugs and drangonflys - I believe it's a book for children, and I found the story online. It was helpful to read to my son, but mostly I listened to his feelings, shared my own, and tried to let him know that it is deeply sad, but deeply special that we were blessed to live with one another, and that it was natural to die and be sad about it too.
As I said at the beginning, I think it's probably okay to discuss any of it with him if you feel ready. I just realized I was ready for one topic and not the other at that point in time. Although it was full of sad emotions, my husband and I felt this beloved pet had given our son (and us, of course) a huge gift by being his introduction to the end of life as well as being such a love while she was with us. I wish this is possible for you and your family too.

I went through this two weeks ago with our cat. However her lung condition happened so fast and was so serious that she was diagnosed and put to sleep in less than 24 hours. I had to decide in the middle of the night at the emergency vet and it wasn't an option to tell my 4 yr old son. I am glad I didn't. Even when I told him the next day that the cat died and went to heaven he didn't really understand. He just kept crying and saying he wanted to see her. When I said we can't see her anymore a bunch of times he finally was tired of the conversation and moved on to playing. When we included her in our prayers a few nights later it started the I want to see her tears again, and again I said we couldn't see her anymore since she was living with God. It again passed and hasn't been too much of an issue since. However kids don't process things right away as we do. They may ask question weeks, months or years later. Be prepared for this. Please do not tell your child you put the dog to sleep - your child could grow resentful of you later when they really understand what that means. Just take the dog to the vet and when you come home without her say she died there. A child 4 yr old cannot yet understand or handle "saying goodbye". They do not fully understand the permanence of the situation. Children will feel more traumatized trying to participate in something they can't really understand. Deal with it with your child after the fact, in any way you see fit. And please don't let your dog suffer, if it is time it is time. When they can't breathe well they feel like they are drowning all the time and that is truly miserable. Best wishes to you for a smooth transition and adjustment during this time.

If the dog has to go now, there is no sense in making her suffer until anyone gets back to say good bye. We were just talking about this issue as a friend just felt horrible about putting her dog to sleep and not letting her go naturally. Sometimes we can see our animals are suffering and all of the internals are shutting down. As people, we just have to wait for everything to go and just provide pain relief usually by morphine, until the heart finally decides to stop. It is okay to put the euthanize the dog and let the suffering stop.

Hi SH,
I am saddened to hear of your dog's health. Yes, I think you should wait until your son can say "Goodbye" to your dog. I have had to talk to my son and a couple of nephews about dying. I would say that you received a call from the vet saying that your dog was very ill and that it was time for her to go to heaven. If your son asks why, I would say that when she was born, her mom said that she would let her be with your family until it was time to go back to her. You know that that makes you sad but you wanted him to be home before you took him to see the vet. This will give him a chance to say good bye to her.

Lucy B.

Don't let the dog suffer. If the vet says it's time, don't delay it. Deaths happen suddenly and unexpectedly all the time and you can simply tell your son that that's what happened and that you're glad the dog didn't suffer and that the dog was happy to have lived with him and your family. You don't need to go into the details about your absolutely merciful role in it. You'll be doing the right thing for the dog. Your son doesn't need to "say goodbye" to a creature who's having trouble breathing. And for heaven's sake, don't use the term "put to sleep" with a 4 year old. They're very literal. When your son comes back after you've had it done (if necessary) then you can explain that the dog died at the vet's. He really will accept it. We had to deal with a cat's decline and death when my daughter was the same age and while she was curious about why the cat died, what "broke" inside her that caused the cessation of life, she didn't question the timing of the death at the vet's office. Good luck and I'm really sorry about your dog.

There is a great web site " Rainbow's Bridge" It helped me and my kids.

well if he is still away for the weekend and the dog is very sick i know it will be hard, but now may be the best time to go. if it comes down to it and the vet says now is the best time to put her down, then when your son comes home u can tell him that she 1) ran away or 2) the old we gave her to some very nice people who thought she was a very nice doggy and they live out on a farm where she can run and be happy and chase things forever!

Can you call your son and talk to him on the phone? Or call whoever he's with and have them just mention at least that the dog is sick? Probably won't impact the fun he's having away, but that way he won't feel like he misses important stuff when he goes away. But I agree with the other posters - don't wait if the dog is really suffering. I'm sorry for you and your pet - I know how hard that is.

I'm sorry to hear about your dog. I went through a similar situation a couple of years ago with the cat that I had had for 17 years. My children were just 3 and 4 then and what I did was opt not to tell them ahead of time because I didn't want to cause them undue anxiety. Frankly, I was a complete emotional wreck at the time because this cat had been with me through practically everything in my life and I wasn't sure how well I would be able to contain my emotions while my kids were saying their goodbyes and my kids really do take a lot of their emotional cues from me a lot of the time.

I don't know if I made the right decision on this issue but what I chose to do was explain to the children afterward that Jock Meister had to go to kitty hevan where kittys weren't sick anymore and could run and play and be happy once again. Both of my kids seemed to be able to accept the news rather well and every once in a while they will ask about Jock Meister or share a memory of him with me, which I value very much.

I'm sure that whatever decision you end up making will the the perfect right one for you and your family.

Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way.

I'm so sorry you are going through this now. I remember the deaths of all my pets growing up, and it was very sad sometimes, but very important to understand this process. I think your son is old enough to understand death, and to be told that your beloved dog went to the vet to see if he/she could get better, but his/her body stopped working. For what it's worth, we always found some closure in burying our pets in a special location in our backyard (I know, sounds weird, but actually, some very beautiful flowers still grow there now!). I work with preschoolers, and they ask questions about death, and they understand what happens when a pet or a family member has passed on. It's good to be honest, but in a gentle way. Best wishes.