Sux to Be a Step Mom Sometimes!

Updated on September 17, 2010
S.G. asks from Tecumseh, OK
9 answers

Ok so this is just a "get it off your chest" post. but sometimes i HATE being a step mom. I've shown my two step daughter's that i'm not afraid to make them hate me to get them to respect their dad at our house (used to be BAD-and has worked to get them to straighten up). and i've also learned and watched what i HATE my daughter's step mom does that i don't think is any of her buisness and do my best to practice staying out of what is not my buisness with my step daughter's like their walefare and decisions that their mom and dad make for visitation, even if i dont agree with it, or it interefere's with what i wanted. And even though i know i really can't let them see this, and really can't do anything about but i HATE that they can call my daughter sister, my mom mimi (as my daughter does) and everyone else in the family like gma and gpa like the rest of us but they wont call me mom. My daughter is going on 8 they are 13 and 14...big difference. every approach i make that treats them like they are my daughter unless it's fun time or rewarding they tell me "you're not my mom" which has been handeled...i've told them maybe not YOURS but i AM mom of THIS house and i will be treated as such, etc..

yeah i've messed up with them but it's been patched.

the whole reason i'm venting right now is because i'm taking my daughter to a ballet (which she's never been to before-wants to be in dance but is not) and even though my step daughter's are getting their one on one time with me at a girls night out at THEIR church that they go to with THEIR mom. the oldest is mad at me because i didn't buy her a ticket to the ballet instead just my daughter and i and plan to spend most of the weekend that weekend away from home just her and i.

i really don't want to go to the girls night out with them at THEIR church but i figured better take advantage of the oppourtuntiy while it's there EVEN if their mom shows up...would be awekward but i'll do it. i did tell my husband that i felt that way, but we both agreed if i want the offer to keep coming and the relationship to keep getting better; i better do it.

my husband and i have been married almost 2 years, together almost 4 and since he and i got together my daughter and i have NEVER had a FULL day AND night just her and i like we used to do when i was single (obviously)

i constantly make reward promises to ALL 3, like graduate hs validictorian and that's how i'll buy you a car, or to a d and f student who wants a cell phone, get me a's and b's and i'll get you one, she did and so did i, etc. but when i DON'T include them on the smallest thing...................i do try to love them as my own; such a fine line on THIN paper being a step mom

ps i was a child of divorce, didn't have my dad or step mom growing up, but i know how it is to feel the "your not my...." attitude, so everything i HATED growing up, i do my best to not do to my step daughters. like my husband does not let me enforce punishment but will himself. and i will not give them permission for ANYTHING. this is because like most step kids, if the step parent punish's that makes the bond weaken if not break...and keeps the kids from "trying to come between us" and i don't do something to them he doesn't like and cause problems

needless to say i love my step kids but HATE being a step parent and can't wait til they both graduate hs and we can quit dealing with the bs of adolescents AND a hard to work with ex (only 5 years with one and 4 with the other)

thanks for listening, comments are still cool :)

denise, yes i understand about girls night out at a church vs a ballet weekend....but honestly i still don't see why the one is so upset; it's the FIRST time she was not included (the other is a tom boy so doesn't really care) and yet at the girls night out at church i asked if Kryste' could come, they said no...........just don't get it.

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So What Happened?

my husband talked to his daughter about her issue with the whole ballet thing and reminded her how often i've focused on her and not my daughter and settled her down. I reassured her that i do want the alone time that she asks for, but i have to balance out things. i talked to my mom last night who is a step mom and she reminded me to think about things that she tried and my step dad did that i absolutely HATED and still do to this day (like both pressing me to call him dad, etc). So i do try everytime i'm around them and let go of the things i know i can't control and shouldn't force them to do.

also because i LOVE my step mom and recently started refering to her as mom and last 3 years called her on mother's day and told her on july 4th that she didnt' have to refer to me as my dad's daughter but could refer to me as THEIR daughter....i'm 27 and they've been married 15 years so it made me realize how long it actually takes to get to that point if ever (though i'll never be there with my step dad).

thanks for all your input!

More Answers

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D.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

I'm sure it is hard being a step mom.
I loved my stepfather more than my own father but I didn't call him "dad." What's in a name?
Honestly, I can see why the other girls are upset about being left out. I don't think you can compare a girl's night at their church with a ballet weekend and expect them to feel like they have been treated equally.
I know you are frustrated that you & your daughter haven't had a night alone since you were single but you're not single and this guy came with a few attachments. Deal. You signed up for this, remember?

2 moms found this helpful

L.M.

answers from Dover on

I understand your perspective but I don't think kids should call their step-parents mom or dad unless it is what THEY want. My husband and I have been together since my son was 3 and he does not call him dad. Not because he can't but because he chose not to (asked if he could, told he could if he wanted, said he would after the wedding but then never did). He will sometimes refer to him as dad when talking to his friends because most of them don't know his bio dad. He has never called his step-mom mom to my knowledge. My point is I wouldn't stress over that.

You do have a tough job. Hang in there.

2 moms found this helpful

K.E.

answers from Spokane on

If you want your step children to love you and treat you with respect, then the only option you have is to love them. Just like they are your biological children. Even if they are rude and disrespectful. This is probably the hardest thing to do, and as a step parent who has overcome this obstacle, I can say that it is possible.

I love love love my step daughter, and normally, I don't even refer to her as my step daughter, I am only doing it now because this is the subject matter. She is my daughter, and I am her mom, and when she's here, I treat her as mine.

It was not easy in the beginning. To be honest, I didn't even want her around. I felt absolutely threatened by her, and I spent a lot of time sabotaging the relationship between her and my husband, which I deeply regret now, but am thankful that she was too little to remember.

I just made a decision one day that I would not allow the division in our family anymore, and that I was going to love her. It was not easy, but it was so worth it! She is such a precious girl, and I'm so glad that I made the decision that I did. You are the adult in this situation, and things are not going to change, until you change. I know that is probably not what you want to hear, but it is the truth. I wish you the best. It will most certainly be h*** o* you, but if you truly want it, you'll have it.

K.

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N.B.

answers from Toledo on

Well, I've been a stepparent for 30 years, and my best advice is to get together with your husband, set house rules and punishments, and then stick to them. You are treating them like stepchildren, so that's all they'll ever be. Stop worrying about them not calling you "mom". If you treat them like your own, they'll start behaving like it. You should absolutely punish them---don't you punish yours? If you and dad are in agreement about what punishment should be, you can hand it out and know he'll back you up. The secret is to be a united front, whether dealing with your own or your spouse's children. Don' let them see any cracks between you--- they can't play one against the other if you both have the same answers.
PS. Just saw your additional remark and one thing stood out---you asked them if Kryste could come to the church thing? Maybe you're trying too hard to be a friend to these girls, instead of parenting them. I know it's hard to develop that mentality, but you agreed to be a parent when you married, so don't hold yourself back. Let yourself be a parent.

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K.U.

answers from Detroit on

I am a stepmom too and I love my stepsons dearly, but yeah, sometimes it really bites. They are now 16 and 17, and I've been a part of their lives the past 10 years. Their dad and I got married 6 years ago and now have a 3 year old girl of our own. Their parents separated when they were 4 and 5 so I had nothing to do with that. The boys are wonderful and their mom has been great for the most part, but it had not been a bed of roses either. I have found myself get irritated simply because she handles things way different sometimes than I would. She's not been as strict with them as maybe I would have been but I've learned that how they are disciplined by her and their dad isn't really any of my business and I'm better off just butting out. Like when they got caught last year smoking pot and Mom decided to ground them for a month, but then it ended up only being 2 weeks. Now the oldest one is a senior in high school and talks like he wants to go to college but has not taken any of the necessary steps (like taking the SAT, getting applications together, etc.). This worries me, but again, it's up to his parents to deal with him, not me. Anytime I've tried to get more involved, beyond just being "fun and games" stepmom, I've gotten an earful from their mom about how I am not their mom and it's not my place to discipline them and she will handle it. It does not help that often they would go to their mom with complaints about me and she would get all upset before hearing my side of the story or considering that maybe I did have a valid point, despite not being a mother myself at that time. I've learned to pick and choose my battles and when one of them gets out of line, I just tell their dad about it and let him handle it.

I think it's probably harder to be a stepmom to girls rather than boys. I think sometimes you just do the best you can, make the decisions you make, and realize that not everyone is going to happy about it. I would let their mom and dad handle the discipline and if they want to pick fights with you, just let them know that you will not tolerate any disrespect and you refuse to argue with them. If they have an issue, they can take it up with their dad, and hopefully he will back you up.

p.s. I would not get hung up on them calling you Mom. They have a Mom, they should be able to call you what they feel comfortable calling you. My stepsons have always just called me by my first name, same as many of our close adult friends.

p.s.s. I just read your "so what happened" entry, and saw that you are 27. And your oldest stepdaughter is 13. Which is only a 14 year difference. Maybe that could be a reason she's having trouble accepting you?

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J.K.

answers from Phoenix on

It's hard being the step child too. =) They are immature. Try to let it go, if you can. Venting is a great stress reliever so I understand you needing to get things off your chest. Hang in there and know that this too shall pass. Hopefully, you'll be best friends when they're older. It seems to me that if you can just let immature and temper tantrum stuff slide and only address the real important issues, be cheerful and loving (and stern when need be) then they'll grow to appreciate the part you have in the family. I hope that's encouraging to you!! Hang in there!! You're a great mom to them all!

1 mom found this helpful
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D.F.

answers from Boston on

Let get one thing out of the way. It does not stop when they graduate High School. You have college, weddings, babies and the rest of your life you will be involved. I am the mom and I work things out with the step mom all the time. Its just so easy to get along. You might have a difficult mom to deal with and that stinks.

I do have one question for you. Your words......."but when i DON'T include them on the smallest thing...................i do try to love them as my own;"

Why wouldn't you include them in the weekend?? Do you have them every weekend? I would do this when it not your weekend so they do not feel excluded. My kids extended family does this also. I have seen how hurt my children were when this has happened. This is what makes them feel like outsiders.

You have a hard job. I wish you luck!

W.E.

answers from Los Angeles on

I have recently become a 'blended family' and found it unbearably hard. My step-child is now starting to punish his Dad by refusing to come over unless he gets 1 on 1 time only with his Dad and he refuses to join the family. He also says being a our house is so boring he'll only come if he has a friend to stay.

He's an only child, so there are complications there too, trouble sharing, self-centered etc. If what you wrote is what I have to look froward to, I wish someone had told me before!! I guess we work through it and be patient.

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C.W.

answers from Santa Barbara on

Do you think your step daughters are clueless to the fact that you hate being a step mom to them??? You are counting down the time until they graduate.....guess what, he will still be their dad! You married a man with two children and he has emotional and financial committments to them. Hopefully he doesn't hate being a step father to your daughter. Wow, sounds like a sad situation for the kids.

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