Surrogacy - Lomita,CA

I hope that TurtleDove never has this situation come up in her life so that she can "eat" her words.

Not all women who become surrogates are destitute. The womem that do this do so of their own free will. They want to make a difference in the life(ves) of someone who has a medical issue and cannot conceive. Women throughout time have helped other women and some have had children and have given them away becuase they could not feed or care for them but someone they knew would long before adoption was legal. I don't want to get on my soapbox.

Back to the question. Be a good friend to your friend let her talk and you listen. Adoption is not a bad thing. My first child was adopted because we (hubby and I) wanted to know what the requirements were to become adoptive parents and had a child within six months. It was meant to be. We jsut barely made teh two year married requirement and they gave him to us to raise and he was six weeks old. Today that child will be 39 in September. Our bio daughter is 35.

Have your friend with the state children's agency. She maybe pleasantly surprised.

My best wishes and good thoughts for her and you.

The other S.

PS My hat is off to all of the women who have and will continue to bring forth life this way.

i'm so sorry i don't have any practical advice for you, just want to make a quick response to turtledove. i know there are some real concerns about destitute women who are forced to rent out their uteri, and it's natural to be upset about that. but it's not always the case.
of course people are not always aware of the implications. that's true of most things, including pregnancy, abortion, marriage, becoming a stay-at-home mother, buying a house or trying out a new job. that doesn't mean that leaps should never be taken.
i have a friend who has been a surrogate 5 times after having her own 2 children. she does it because she loves it. she's healthy, nurturing and feels that giving couples (gay in her case) the opportunity to be great parents too is her way of making a difference in the world. so while it is important not to exploit, it's also a bit arrogant to assume that one always knows another woman's motivations and to decide on their behalf.
khairete
S.

I was a little dismayed at Turtledoves answer, and to see that she was the only response!. Your friend is in a sad situation and is trying to find a socially-acceptable way to find a solution. Scathing remarks are not what are needed right now.
I would say that I know a friend who has been a surrogate before, but I live in Maryland, which is a bit further away :) To give you perhaps a different perspective on the 'Turtledove' answer: When I talked to my friend about her previous surrogacy she said that being a surrogate is easily for her because she does not really 'bond' with her babies until they are a 2-3 months old (she has one daughter who is 6). Her labors are easy, as are her pregnancies, and the child that she carried and 'gave up' was for a friend who is now dead from the health issues that prevented her from having a pregnancy. She still sees the family from time and time, and felt incredibly blessed that she was able to give such a beautiful gift to her friend and her friend's husband.
Yes, many women that do it are on the fiscally low end of things (hence the reason many military moms do it) but financially strapped does not mean ignorant of the choices that you make. Many go into it knowing full well what it entails, and I have known more than one who felt honored to give someone this gift that they could not provide for themselves (I've even known a surrogate who said it never felt like hers from the first, and her adopted daughter did!) I know that I never could, hence the reason I would never choose to do it, but there are many people that can. We should not all be painted with the same brush.
I WILL say that perhaps your friend should try some other avenues first - perhaps less expensive ones - before deciding on this as the solution to their problem.
God bless.

TurtleDove's answer was ill informed and uneducated. Surrogacy has its place when done properly like anything else in this world. With everything I have read, that amount about right if it includes everything. I can certainly understand wanting to add to ones family. I am lucky, getting pregnant was not difficult. I wish your friends peace with whatever decision they make.

If I needed the money, I'd be a surrogate. I don't really feel much attachment at all to the baby when I'm pregnant. It takes a couple of weeks even after the baby is born for me to really bond! If I was pregnant with another couple's child, I am confident I would not be sad when the baby was born and I had to give him/her away. I think I'd feel like I gave a tremendous gift and likely, the money I received would also be a tremendous gift to my family. So with that said, we have a friend who used a surrogate in India with much success... I don't know many details as it's not a close friend but while some people may think it's exploitation, many people don't. This woman received more money than she could have made likely in a few years of very hard, full-time work and the child she "gave up" is not hers. I'm sure she knew that going into to it and our friend in no way held her hostage to enter this agreement to begin with. So it may be worth checking out... I believe the cost was $5k or $10k.

E., I don't have an answer for you. Just to keep doing what you are doing, being a friend to your neighbor. She could also check and google some christian adoption agencies and see if they have better fees than some other ones that are really expensive.

@Turtledove: Your response was unnecessary! I was always taught "If you have nothing nice to say to someone, then don't say anything at all"
Really, you didn't have to answer her like that! Even if you are not in agreement with the issue; please think before you answer people, you don't know how they are feeling or the depth of what they are going through. What they put in writing is only a part of what they truly feel. If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all.

Wow to TurtleDove's response. I have thought of being s surrogate. I am nothing wealthy but I am not destitute either. But I know several women who had a hard time concieving and I know how much happiness my own children have brought to me, and would be blessed to bring that kind of happiness to another couple. Unfortunatly I can not think of way this would not be expensive for your friends. Remember that they will not just be paying for medical fees but fees to the surrogate as well. How much does that startup fee entail?

I know people who adopted older children or adopted from overseas to adopt younger children/babies. My aunt lost a baby who was returned to his birthfamily after being placed with them, so it's a real concern. They adopted a child from an orphanage in Korea later.

I think that surrogacy, just like adoption, has its place and it takes a very special woman to truly be able to be a surrogate. If I were in your friend's boat, I'd do a lot of research on the process, the complications, and the legalities, and I'd try to find a surrogate that's been down that road before, not just someone who thinks "I could probably do it."

As far as what you can do for her, just be a listening ear. She's been through a lot with infertility and it can be wearing. She may want to seek counseling. My sister had a hard time conceiving and counseling helped her.

E., we went through Coastal Conceptions in Newport Beach (now Coastal Surrogacy), and we had an amazing experience. We did not use them for surrogacy, but rather for an egg donor, but we LOVED Julia. She was professional, compassionate, and really did her best to guide in us our decisions including even guiding us away from a donor when she was concerned that our choice might not work out. I should also add that surrogacy will be expensive no matter where you go. Not only are you paying the woman for the inconvenience of using her body for 9+ months, but also for medical care, childcare (many surrogates have children of their own), etc. Julia's website does a great job of explaining the expense. Here is a link to their website: http://www.coastalsurrogacy.com/
I should also add that most of the employees that you will be working with have been surrogates, which adds a nice sense of understanding for the parents.

Fostering into adoption can be tough, though I know several families who have done it successfully. There is always the option of adoption through an agency, there are thousands of children desperate for homes. It can be expensive too, but that surrogacy price sounds very costly. My little brother is adopted and it was a great option for us. Surrogacy is not their only option, also there have been a few surrogate mothers win back the babies they deliver. There is always going to be some risks with it, just like fostering.

I think one possible avenue to consider for you dear friend is to advertise on your own and remove the middle man.

I have a beautiful, blonde, green eyed daughter who has literally been approached on campus by couples asking if she would consider surrogacy.

Couples do advertise in local college and university publications.

If they hired their own attorney, they might be able to accomplish this for a fraction of the cost.

And what about you being a surrogate?