Supporting the Kids

Sorry to say but I am one of those parents who really hates all of those event's. Well not all, but most of them. Honestly unless they were big ones, I didn't go, I don't feel the need to be at every game, at every performance, at every anything.

My husband rarely goes because of work, it just never fits into his schedule, but does take time off for the big things.

It's honestly never been a problem for my kids, as someone said, you have parents who go to everything and parents who don't. If you keep making this a big deal the kids are going to pick up on it. Stop and for them it will be normal that mom goes to everything and dad doesn't. It won't be an issue for them unless you make it an issue.

It's possible he just doesn't get the same joy out of it that you do.

Kids today seem to have too many important concerts, meets, games etc. When I was a kid parents usually just came to watch the play off games, or the final performance etc. Why not pick the most important of each of these events and have him arrange to be there? That is what I do for my husband. It makes it more special if he comes only to the truly important events.

Do the kids ask him to attend? Unfortunately at this point, they've probably given up on seeing him at their events. But maybe if the kids asked him he would realize that it's important to them, not just to you.

There are those who attend and those who don't. I think that those who don't miss out on so much!
My husband has never missed a thing that my children have done - not a concert, a picnic, nothing.
I'm sure it's a pain getting out of work to do these things, but he has always said that we have them for such a short time - he wants them to know that what they do is important to him. He has looked at their awful artwork at the art show and told them how proud he was of them. He has sat through many a dance recital and enjoyed seeing his children participate.
When people ask him if time flies, he tells them, "No. It doesn't. If you participate in their activities, show up for their performances, and help with homework, it seems like time slows down. I enjoy my children. I enjoy my time with my children. I enjoy seeing them with their friends. By getting to know the kids and their friends, I have a better handle on their lives."
Our children will both be college students this fall.
Pretty soon they will be living their lives and we won't be as involved.
Enjoy them while you have them.
Life is too short.
LBC

Every parent, even in the same family, has a different style and different priorities. If he doesn't want to go to meets and concerts, making him will just make him resentful. BUT, he should be doing something to interact in his children's lives. That could be helping them practice each day, or Saturday mornings fishing, or any other activity that gives him a connection to them. Those moments can be just as fulfilling as watching the game.

Sounds like the song, "Cat in the Cradle". Later when the dad has time the kid does not.

You can't force someone to do something. But they later in life realize what they screwed up when the children have left and do their own thing and they then feel the loss. I have witnessed this from experience of my hubby and his children. They have their own lives and dad is trying to "fit" in.

It's a thing of what you give is what you get when your children have grown and moved on in their adult lives.

Enjoy the activities and the pictures and the personal memories in your mind.

the other S.

PS Life is too short to sweat all the small stuff.

Edit: A child will make comments about the lack of dad being at his events later in life and he will have a very sad tone to his voice. He will accept that dad wasn't there but it sure would have felt great if dad had had attended a bit more often.

it's great when parents are so involved they can have their kids in a lot of events and attend them all. but i think it's unrealistic to expect all parents to have both the time and the interest to do them all.
i'm not much on sports, but spent almost 2 decades at baseball and basketball practices and events. my dh and i both worked a LOT, but one of us was at every one.
the operative word is ONE of us. we couldn't both make them all schedule-wise, and every now and then one of us would need a break.
making your husband participate will never, ever, make him do it voluntarily. and it sounds as if you are already verging on pushing him right out of attending, simply because you are turning it into a guilt-trip.
i think you should wait until you're very calm and balanced, tell him in simple terms (no accusations!) how you feel, and then let it go. if he's not interested, he's not. it doesn't necessarily mean he's not interested in his kids.
khairete
S.

Your husband sounds a little like my husband. And it's better to come to some compromise with him than to have your children experience the bickering between their parents over THEM. Family harmony is the BIG deal in which everybody wins.

Make a pact that you will notify your husband, in writing if necessary, about the BIG things that he really needs to go to. You'll let the little events go as far as he's concerned, although you will put the dates on the calendar, and you won't nag him about them. On his part, he will accept the big-thing notifications without the eye rolls and the big sighs.

You might also suggest that, if he doesn't go to Junior's game, that he be sure to ask Junior about the game afterwards, and to listen to Junior talk about it. Many parents who don't attend their children's activities show their love and interest by their questions.

My dad did not attend my events growing up. Maybe he attended a couple total. My parents were divorced though so it was a bit different. But he DID attend all my step sisters' events and he did not live far from me so he could have attended more of my events. I will always remember this. Yes, I hold a bit of a grudge but it extends to a lot more than just events. It hurt me although I brushed it off as a kid. Now I acknowledge how hurt I was. What if your kids tell him how much they would like him to come? What if you have one more serious talk with him about how important this is to them.

Please re-read LadyBug's reply. It sounds like she and I are married to the same guy.

I also am not as willing as others to let your husband off the hook and say "it's just the way he is." Too bad if it is. He can at least PRETEND to have an interest in his children's activities. They will remember his absences, believe me. I do not think you can expect him to be at every event or game -- not realistic - but he should want to be at some, especially a final choral concert or a signficant sports game, etc. He put the burden on you to tell him that concert was significant -- so from now on I'd be crystal clear that "This is the playoff game so it is important, and unrepeatable, so please be there" and "This is the final choral concert of the year and it is a huge event so you need to come--is that clear?"

Has your oldest child ever told him, "Dad, I really would like you to attend Event X and here is the flyer with the date and time"? You don't want to make a child responsible for a parent's behavior, ever, but if he just tunes you out when you try to tell him he needs to do these things -- he might actually listen if his child says, "This is important to me."

I do not think you are wrong to believe he should try to do at least some of the kids' activities. In fact, I would sit him down and talk (without the kids around and when he does NOT have any other things he "needs" to be doing) and say that he now will be responsible for taking a kid(s) to soccer every weekend, or every other weekend. He needs to be the principal parent for some activity - you have two kids and you should not be the sole person handling all their activities. If he does the eye roll, call him out: "You just rolled your eyes, and to me that says volumes. Your own children seem to bore you, frankly. You may not love soccer but neither do I. We don't go to these things because we love soccer but because our children will get the message that we care about their interests even if they are not our own personal interests."

Sorry, but dads like your husband make me angry -- and it sounds like you're angry too. Be sure you don't get wound up and angry (or tearful) when you talk to him because it sounds like he'd see that as emotional blackmail. But he is missing his kids' childhoods. Some men still have the "I'm the breadwinner and that's my job, so this other stuff is just insignificant" attitude. And yes, the kids will get used to assuming that mom is there for activities and dad just is not, and they'll get over it; they may not be hurt. But they will remember it, and possibly repeat it when they're adults.

My husband goes to our daughter's ballet performances, her orchestra and chorus performances, etc. No matter what the activity was he would go because SHE put work into it - if it's work in a sport or art in which he's not personally interested, that would not matter to him; he would go because she put effort into something, period. Can your husband get the idea that he should be there because of their effort, no matter what the event?

I really hope he wakes up soon. i know you must feel lonely when you're the only parent there for the kids at events, especially concerts or big games. Does he do other things with the kids that make him feel he has his own "kid time" so doesn't need to be at events and games?

Then you need to tell him next time this is really important to your children for him to be there. It does not matter if he's interested in gymnastics it's his child and she wants him there. I am amazed at how few parents are really at the gymnastic meets when my son competes. My husband almost had to miss one but he did everything he possibly could to make it and he did. Granded he is a lot different that a lot of men and the kids come first. If this contiues to be an issue you might try to get him to go to couciling so you can both talk about this and other things with a nutral party. Good luck!!!

This is the guy you married.

I would not expect him to change, and I would stop nagging him.

Someday he may regret not realizing how quickly these years go. And then again he may not. Perhaps he is of an anxious nature and it's all he can do to do his job well, and he needs down-time to decompress.

I would just let him know when events are happening and then let it go. It's not your job to make those choices for him. And I wouldn't act upset in front of the kids either. At some point they will have to accept their dad for who he is too - and I'm sure he has good qualities.

Good luck.

Is your house full of "really important activities" all of the time?
Are you VERY involved at the school?
Honestly, there is ALWAYS something going in at school. Some parents live there. (That's fine, their choice, their lives). I can imagine their husbands being completely clueless as to "What" is a big deal, because to them--everything is.
Maybe he feels REALLY disconnected and has NO clue what's going on when and what's a big deal.
I'm not saying this as a criticism to a high level if involvement, just what I personally have seen.

Want to know how many of my softball games my parents came to? (I played from 4th-12th grades) ONE.

Want to know how many volleyball games they came to? (Played from 4th-11th grade) ONE.

Choral concerts? My mom always came; my dad sometimes came

My parents would never have been able to make it to most things--they had 5 kids, we had very different interests, and they worked in a different city than most of our activities occurred, and with rush hour traffic they'd not really be able to make it in time anyways.

Want to know how much it mattered to me? Very little. There are other ways to show you love your children than to go to all the activities going on.

Here's the thing. Take this a step further. Tell the kids to tell him they'd like him to come and why. He won't learn from you. He might take what they say and integrate it into his way of thinking.

The kids will sway him or they won't. You need to stop trying to teach him it's important to the kids, let them tell him.

It's NOT your job to tell him every single time. You've already had the dang discussion. He doesn't get to start over every time and make the excuse "You didn't tell me it was important" as his regular "go to".

Why don't you play the song "The Cat's in the Cradle" for him about 50 times. Not in a passive aggressive way - in an AGGRESSIVE way. Forget hinting. Tell him that his children are the most important creations of his entire life. They'll be gone soon and there will be NO more functions to attend. He can sit at home in a few short years with NOTHING to go to but work. He can darn well make the time, and at LEAST put together a tentative schedule, without the eyerolling.

While some dads go to everything willingly and with enthusiasm not all of them do.
I truly believe women are more hard wired than men to be totally involved and invested in pretty much everything their kids are doing.
I feel terrible if I have to miss ANYTHING my kids are participating in, but my husband could pretty much take it or leave it.
And because the kids know this is how we both are, they just accept it. There are no hurt feelings. They know I will almost always be there and they know dad will be there for the bigger, more important stuff, like a school play, or a championship game or meet.
Many of life's disappointments are a result of unrealistic expectations. Accept that your husband is who he is, and only ask or insist that he come to the major events/performances. Let the rest of it go and you will both be happier!

I would find a way to compromise and meet in the middle. So he can't go to every event, and some of that is because of work, and you've accepted that. You can also accept that for whatever reason, these things just don't appeal to him. But he can also realize that it is important to YOU and sometimes we have to just suck it up and deal because it makes our spouse happy. Let him know that you won't nag him about it, but you would appreciate it if he could have a little bit of a better attitude, no eye rolling please. at least for your sake, and agree to go once in a while. Prioritize what events are the most important and let him know. If the kids get unhappy about him not being there, you can let him know that, but don't let it be because the kids are picking up on your negative feelings. He will be the one who will have to live with the regret of not seeing his kids do these things while he has the chance. Remember too that we tend to repeat the patterns we grew up with - it's what we consider normal - and maybe he didn't have parents or a family that could make it to every single thing, or didn't make it a priority.

Our daughter is 5, in Kindergarten, and fortunately DH is really good about going to things like dance recitals and school concerts that she is participating in. Any classes or practices that I can't take her to because of work, he's on it. If it means he has to bug out of work early, so be it. I think some of it is because his first wife divorced him when their boys were that age and he ended up missing out on a lot, so now he knows he has a second chance. However, I had to convince him to go to her school's Daddy-Daughter Dance that is taking place this Friday. He just didn't see the point, thought it was something that could wait until she was older, and basically said it didn't appeal to him at all. Thing is, DD already knows about it, the other girls are talking about it, they are all going, etc. So of course she fully expects her daddy to take her and be with her there too. And that is basically what I told him - it isn't about him, it's about her, and does he want his little girl to be heartbroken because they are not there and everyone else is? A little bit of a guilt trip, I admit, but he's going. He gets it - sometimes you just have to suck it up and deal, and it's not the end of the world. It's 2 hours out of his life but it's everything to her.

Like someone else said too, if being there for events is not his thing, he should find other ways to bond with them and let them know that who they are, what they do, and spending time with them is important to him.

You know, my husband is sort of the same way. Unless I tell him the boys want him there, he doesn't go. So, I tell him - every time. I don't care if he thinks about it on his own. I just want him there, so I'll do what it takes so my kids have the support.

Here's the deal: You can't determine what should be important to him based on what's important to you. It's important to you because of how you grew up. What if he were griping and forcing you and the kids to stay home, because he was raised not valuing these types of activities? That would be just as wrong. If you want a coming together of the minds, you have to be open to his mind, as well. Here's how that looks: BEFORE you get married and have children, you share your childhood experience and ask what he thinks of that and ask about his. You have a discussion about what you two would like to do and expect to do with your own children. That will give you an idea of the guy you're dealing with. Yeah, things get real once the kids are here, but at least you have something to start with. At this point, instead of just trying to force it on him, I think that you should ask him what his thoughts are on this stuff. Instead of trying to force him to see your point of view, tell him about it from the children's perspective, what they get from it, WHY you think that it's important for them. Think and talk about the goal/lesson in what you're doing and let him determine how he wants to/can best achieve that same goal with the kids. You just can't MAKE somebody have your same feelings about something. It doesn't mean that he loves them any less. It just means that he is an individual and not a clone of you.

One of my favorite TV ads is a PSA. The one where the kid keeps asking Dad to read him a story and Dad never has time. Then, at bed time, the kid asks again, and Dad tells him to ask Mom. No big deal, right? The kid just wants a story...doesn't matter who reads it. Kid asks Mom if Dad can read a story. Dad gets the message. It's not about the story. Some people have to carried to the trough. It can be frustrating when our partners don't get it, but it might help if you will focus on the long-term purpose of the activity and allow some flexibility with how the needs are met.

ETA: I love the part in LabyBug's response where her husband says that time does not fly because he siezes every moment. People look at me crazy when I say that. Months before my son's birthdays (1 and 2), people would say, "Oh, he's almost --," and I would say, "No, he's -- months. He'll be -- when he gets there." I never wonder, "Where has the time gone?" when it comes to him, because I live in and cherish every moment.

I used to ask (according to him, "demand" by expecting him to go) him to go to all our functions but eventually I gave up. Yes, I gave up on him. I figured, if it was important to him he'd go, if he doesn't want to go then he misses out on being with family. His choice. I much preferred him to stay home than to be angry all the while we were out anyway. At that point, no one had fun.

Over time I eventually just never asked him to do anything. Went to my parents alone and he was happy that he won the battle. Until he wasn't. Ten years later his biggest peeve was that I don't want him to go with me and I always planned to go alone with the kids. Say what? The times he wanted to go he asked and I happily included him but it's true, I didn't bother asking him in the first place. So now with the divorce he goes to the events when he can because he finally realized how old our kids are and how he has missed out. But the sad thing with him is that I think it had more to do with showing me up and taking back control of the kids. It's the wrong reason to go.

I really don't have advice for you because I don't know (I am getting a divorce afterall so I must not have done things right). Advice telling you to let him be who HE is sounds forgiving. But a nagging sense in me tells me family is family and like children forced to go out with family: your teenager will fight it but you do it and when they grow older they will appreciate the time spent as family. When your husband grows old, will he despise you for all the time you guilt him into seeing the kids? Seeing daddy at events is a real treat for my kids. I never made a big deal about it to the kids because I didn't want them to ever be disappointed when he doesn't show, it's just cherry on top when he does. I don't feel bad when they are super happy to see him over me. Why? Because I'm there all the time and there is nothing wrong with that role. I want to tell you NOT to do what I did and let him be "him". It tore us apart. Obviously pick your battles. What events are super important? Forcing him to go all the time for every little thing (I've seen parents do this) is "you" winning the battle, him never going is "him" winning the battle. Neither is good for the marriage.

I agree with you. He should WANT to be there and when he can he should be. I think you should have that conversation with him (again if necessary). Remind him that as a parent, you don't go because you like the sport or activity itself but because you love your child (and maybe also the activity). You go to support the child, show them you love them and are proud of their efforts. Remind him that your daughter (like all kids) want their parents and even other family members there to support them so you plan to go to everything you can and would like for him to be there too but understand that he may not be able to make it to every minute of every game/activity. Ask him if that can be the plan...you both go to everything you can but are undersanding when he has to occasionally miss because he HAS to work. Agree to remind him when it is a bigger deal that he really shouldn't miss (like playoff games, special performances, etc.).

It shouldn't be your responsibility to tell him 'it's a big deal" but it can be your responsibility to 1. remind him of the activity (who reminds us mom's?) and 2. let him know when something IS a big deal (out of the ordinary) so he can prioritize.

Men (in general) don't get this and it's been a bone of contention in my marriage as well.

Next time he wants to know if something is important, why don't you have him ask the child who is involved? Then he can determine if it's important enough to THEM for him to go. You might also want to ask him if it will be important when he is old that his children make time to visit him.

I would start giving him the schedule, and putting it on a family calendar. Tell him anything in red or anything you specify to him is to be considered a Big Deal. If you use gmail, for example, you can even make an event and invite him so it pops up. Tell him that these events are always important to your DD and that she needs HER DAD to support her. I never had interest in wrestling or football, but I had interest in *SS*. It's about his child, not the event. This is her job, she's worked hard, and she wants him to see it. Trust me, it matters. I will never forget the one time we were late and missed SD's part of the band concert she was very angry. Why? Because she could count on us. Stuff like that builds for kids. They know who has their back, and who doesn't.

I honestly think this is the way my SS will be as a dad, though. He got to pick and choose what functions he attended for anybody else (though he appreciated that we were there for HIM) and now it's manifest as an adult where he's not at funerals, weddings, anniversaries, birthdays...not unless it is of specific interest to him. And that's very sad. My DD has already learned that big bro is unreliable.

And that's sad to me on another level b/c DH had a less than involved dad and to this day it affects his relationship with his father. Did your DH have an uninvolved father?

So I think you do need to have a heart to heart and ask him what's up with his behavior when you do tell him it's important and how do you and he get past the initial reluctance?

You might want to watch Hook as a family. And see if DH "gets it".

ok honestly it sounds like you guys always have something going on. doing something every week or every other week kind of wears on a person. I don't think everyone needs to be at every game / gymnastics meet. Now art show or choir concert , that's different, there aren't a ton of those every year. Games though there are a lot of those every season.