Suggestions on How to Manage Anger,pls.

Updated on September 17, 2010
M.T. asks from Los Angeles, CA
24 answers

My temperature easily rises and when I am angry sometimes I can't control it. Like what Happen yesterday I got angry and whatever my hand can grab I don't even know I already threw it to the person.. I don't like this kind of personality it is so deadly and very harmful, I tried to count from 1 to 10 to try to subside my rising anger but it is totally unhelpful... Pls give me very good techniques pls. I appreciate ur help so much

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thanks guys for all your answers, appreciate it so much.

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answers from Las Vegas on

I googled anger management and self control and this is the first free thing that came up:

Google it and start reading. You will slowly begin to learn some of these methods.

Best wishes and good for you for realizing this and taking the first step.

2 moms found this helpful

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answers from Atlanta on

I feel for you. Most people don't have much empathy for others that have a hard time with anger issues. Anger is a very dangerous thing because it's like salt, you only need a little now and then. It can be used to get things accomplished at times. But mostly, if it is not controlled, it will eat you alive and anybody in it's path. With time it can become a monster called rage. At this time for you, I'd suggest doing what ever it takes to take yourself out of any given situation that might begin to get out of your control. Be very aware of yourself, your thoughts, your feelings before your temperature rises and simply take yourself from the situation. Taking a walk outdoors can do wonders and as well, it actually helps to improve the brain. Anger dulls the brain and the sensitivity. You sound like you're the type of person with a easily angered temperment and if this is true for you, you may want to seriously investigate anger management and or classes or a support group. I say this because anger is one of those things that grows and grows if not controlled. It's a very difficult thing to deal with. And I'd say there's a very good chance you had a parent that had anger type temperment and learned this. But we're all born with different types of temperments and they work for us or against us, but usually it's a little of both. To know yourself is a big thing and it sounds like you're working on knowing and recognizing your own personality. A lot of people with anger problems feel that they are not being heard from others and this feeling of being ignored is hurtful and then the hurt slowly becomes anger which builds up and then shoots off like a volcano in a particularly given situation. This is often unconscious and that's why the anger is a sudden burst out of control, it has you, you don't have it. Most anger (if not all) is rooted in deep hurt and woundedness and often a deep sense of rejection. The anger is a symtom not a cause. I not only suggest regular long open fresh air walks and possibe anger group/class but also this idea: meditate for 10 minutes a day on the opposite of anger, which would be what to you? I'd say the opposite is calm or peace. When (if) you do this, pick a time that is best for you, perhaps getting up 10 minutes earlier or maybe in the afternoon, what ever time you pick choose a time you can stick with and make it the same time every day. And simply take some deep cleansing breathes and sit relaxed yet upright and fully attentive to your intention at hand which is calmness and peace. Whenever your attention is drawn away by a thought or a noise or something, simply and calmly draw your attention back to the thoughts of calmness. When emotions rise up in you, let them rise and then let them go. (You may want to see them as rising and lifting off your shoulders or head and going into Light above you or into the universe and then forget about them) You are in control. But don't force anything. You may want to put an image in your mind that helps, like a still, quiet pond and telling yourself that you are entering your peaceful quiet pool of clear, cooling water. You may want to find a meditaion music CD that helps with this process. And this is a process. You Can Work On It. You have to have the goal of redirecting your mind, reprograming your mind and emotions. You didn't just wake up angry one day, it took time. This too will take time, but is well worth it. Afterall you said it is deadly, don't let it be. Choose to live free. ~~Sending the best to you and prayers for wholeness

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Provo on

First, you are SO not alone. I can't tell you how many times I've lost my cool and regretted it moments later. So, by way of advice, I say start small and reward yourself, even if it's not real: I give myself GMPs (good mom points) when I do good. It's nice to wake up Monday morning and say "I'm not gonna blow up this week" but start smaller: I'm not gonna lose it this morning, no matter what happens I'm gonna find humor and remind myself that life is too short to get worked up about small life stuff." So when the kids aren't getting ready for school fast enough and they're about to be late, make a plan: give yourself an "out": roll your eyes, and take a deep breath. Life is too short. And if you make it through the morning--10 gmps. Give yourself a bonus if the last thing you said to your kids was "I love you." Double bonus if you complimented the spouse before they left for work. You get the idea.
So to recap: 1)one moment at a time 2)pat yourself on the back. Don't get discouraged: It took years to build bad habits and they say it takes 17 days to start new habits. You can handle this. Life is tough. You can be who you want to be.
Are you encouraged yet?
You are She-ra Princess of Power Incarnate: own it.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

Hi Mama,

First, you need to give yourself permission to walk away and take a breath. I have found after working with children for 16+ years, to stay even tempered, I would walk away and sit for a few minutes.

Also remember to take deep breaths, making your belly inflate like a balloon.

I also recommend to the parents I coach to write calming phases or hints to manage anger and place them around the house. When you are angry, you are unable to think, so having hints/cues around will help you think things through better.

If the things you learn here does not work, please seek help ASAP. Not only are you stressed but you are teaching your children how to manager anger inappropriately.

R. Magby

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

Before you respond, you need to leave the room and calm down... put yourself in timeout. There is a true story of a couple who got into an argument and someone threw a little toy out of anger. Well, that toy hit their baby in the head and it caused permanent brain damage. Things happen,so it's good you want to get this under control before something major happens.

Here are some great tips in the above link. One I can think of also, is to have more compassion and understanding for another person. When you learn to appreciate certain things, you look at life in a different perspective, so you aren't just managing an anger explosion, but managing the way you view things as well.

If you need anger management classes, by all means take them.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Las Vegas on

Sometimes you have to leave the room, regroup, and after you have had a chance to cool down and think things out, re-enter the situation and try to resolve the issue. When you start to feel your temperature gauge go up -- before it hits full throttle -- seriously, just leave the room and be all alone until you can cool down and think a little more clearly. I think you are probably familiar with all of your triggers by now that you can tell when one of them had just been tripped so you should be able to declare your self-imposed time out when you need to.

Also, what I have been teaching my son, who has issues with low frustration tolerance and anxiety, that when you start feeling yourself getting upset, take a long deep breath in for the count of 10, hold the breath for a count of 10, and then exhale slowly exhale for the count of 10. Repeat until you feel like you are sufficiently calmed down. I swear this deep slow breathing works. It regulates your blood pressure and helps slow down your heart beat which plays into the high amount of aggitation you feel when something has happened to upset you.

Also, find a counselor that you can talk to about this. We all carry junk for our childhood and young adulthood that sometimes needs to be brought to light, talked about and then released in a healthier, saner way. The supression of these old hurts can lead to a lot of anger. I'm not sure if that's the case with you but it's okay if it is. And sometimes we need to work with a professional to learn anger management coping skills. All of these things are perfectly normal and perfectly alright as long as you actively seek out the supports you need to help you move your life in a new directions. It sounds like this is what you want I wish you all the best on your healing transformation.


5 moms found this helpful


answers from Austin on

1. Get enough sleep the night before...or go take a nap if need be.
2. Make sure you are eating enough...healthily.
3. Take a step back and realize that anger and fear are related...what are you afraid of? (used to get so mad when we couldn't make it out the door to make it anywhere on time...I had so many fears of being judged for being late...and yes this happened and yes I was judged...but it wasn't worth yelling at my babies, so I stopped scheduling so much stuff...and if we did have something, I would make that the focus of my day, even if we didn't get much else done. I changed my attitude and realized I was going to be judged no matter whether I was late or not...I'd still work on getting there on time, but not at the expense of my children.) Anger also indicates that you see something that needs to be changed...another time to step back and look for how you can change the situation to make it better (if you blow you top in anger it won't usually get better, but if you use the anger to make needed changes you can make it better (like in the late issue I described).)
3. Pray! Christians believe that the Holy Spirit can work self control in your life (this is something I'm really thankful for!) and I also means that we can talk to God about situations that we are in even while they are happening...something to think about.

You are not alone in this struggle...and I think that hormones sometimes also make us crazy. I have friends that swear by natural types of remedies for balance...maybe checking with an herbalist or doctor who's open to homeopathy.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

It sounds like counseling would be really helpful. If this sounds too expensive, check out what programs are offered through your county health services. You can often get counseling at very low cost or for free, depending on your household income. There might also be parenting classes available that could teach you how to reduce or eliminate some kinds of mom/kid stress.

The support from a caring and trained person could help you a lot.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Columbus on

If you know that you cannot control these impulses, and you have judged your situation to be "deadly and very harmful" then you are beyond self help from a bunch of Moms. Please call a psychiatrist who can help you figure out why this is happening, and can make the proper referals for therapy so that you get exactly the help that you need as soon as possible instead of giving something else a stab in the dark and hoping that it will be the answer.

If you feel like you are in a crisis situation, or ever do, call for help. Personally, if you live with a two year old (who can anger anyone sometimes) and you do not have physical control over yourself to the point where you throw things and either don't remember it or are in that kind of fog, you probably need help righ away. You will feel better once you know what is going on and have taken steps to help yourself.


2 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

Go to a therapist or counselor-- get into an anger management class that will teach you techniques on how to control your anger and stop it before it escalates. Best wishes!


2 moms found this helpful


answers from Detroit on

Hey, I just answered your other question! You must be having a rough day - hope it gets better.

Anyway, it doesn't happen often to me but still there are times where I just need to leave the room for a little bit. That's how I deal with it. Maybe if you need to get the anger out, you can take it out on your pillow (with the door closed)? And it sounds childish, but the occasional slammed door helps. If it's the kids causing the problem, I have been known to turn on the tv and lock myself in the bathroom with a book for a minute or two.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from San Diego on

Yes, you are NOT alone!!!

I was/have been experiencing a lot of rage, after the birth of my daughter (my son is adopted so no hormonal imbalance, became pregnant when he was 14mo) for me I could tell it was most likely hormone related. (In addition to many things in life that were extremely stressful) I went to my OBGYN and in my case he dianogsed PMDD - premenstrual dysphoric disorder. Like others, I suggest going to a Dr. or Phychristrist. Even if your body/mind is in balance it's a good place to start!! My OB and I talked about the different options from Yaz (Birth Control - to help regulate my cycle therefore balancing my moods) to anti-depressants like Lexapro. Also, over the counter solutions like a Mood Enhancer 5-HTP.

I also knew I needed help on how to deal with my very energetic, strong-willed, defiant son as he was mirroring my rage in addition to simply having a strong personality. As a California resident you have access to many free programs:

First 5 of California -
Children's Care Connection (aka C3) -
LA might have something called the Exceptional Family Resource Center
This is an 800 # for them but it might just be for San Diego County but they at least they might have a # for your area. 1-800-281-8252

In my case, I went through C3 who then referred me to a Home Start program. My son and I did Parent Child Interactive Therapy where a behavioral specialist came to my home to work with us (all for Free) It made a huge difference in how I relate and discipline my son (and daughter) And our home is much more peaceful now!!!!

There are so many free resources out there for you and your daughter I hope you can utilize them.The hard part is just finding out that they are out there! Hopefully, with the 2 sites above and a Dr. can be a starting point!!!

Wishing you many peaceful moments, good luck!!!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from San Diego on

This could be a very dangerous thing, and you need to do something about it before something horrible happens that you can never take back. Speak to a doctor. As a start, maybe you can get some medication prescribed. You can also get a referral to an anger management class. Don't drink alcohol. Tell your family when you are having an angry moment that you are going into the bedroom, or going for a walk and you need to be alone. I would also recommend getting your blood pressure checked. I wasn't having anger management problems, but I was majorly stressing and getting overwelmed by everything. I found out that I had extremely high blood pressure. I am now controlling my blood pressure with diet and medication, and all of a sudden I find I don't stress out over every little thing. Please talk to someone right away. Don't let your anger ruin your life in little ways every day, or by something major and horrible that could possibly happen.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

First off if you think this is a BIG problem you may want to seek professional help.

That being said, I beleive that some people express emotions physically. This means there is a build up of energy and it needs to be expressed. When this happend you need to do something physical to get it out. BUt you need to direct it away from those you don;t want to hurt. Do jumping jacks, run to the corner as fast as you can, jump rope. Basically replace the behavior. It is like the counting thing but it lets out your wound up energy better. Do the physical activity for as long as it takes for you to calm down. The more you do it the shorter you will get over it.

NOw you also need to identify your triggers. What sets you off? Why does it do that. Work backwards from that to **try** to eliminate your triggers.
And once again get pro help if you think you need it. If you try to work with someone to prevent it it will be much better than if you do something you regret and have to work to get to where you were before.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

I appreciate you being willing to open up here publicly and ask for help - that's a huge step! Remember that anger is a secondary emotion - which usually comes from hurt, disappointment and frustration. I am guessing there is a lot of undealt with emotions bottled up inside - which is why you easily explode.

I agree with some of the other ladies - it's important to get help from a good counselor - who can help dig out the junk that is setting you up for overreactions to life, and move on to a healthier way of dealing with things.

I don't know your family situation ( married/singl/withkids/without, etc) but remember those explosions can hurt and scare those around you. I grew up with a dad who sounds a lot like you. One moment life is calm ( at least to a kid), the next there' yelling and things flying all around. It is very deadly emotionally - and you don't ever want it to go any further!

Some practicals:
1) the second you feel any anger at all coming on - separate yourself from those around you, excuse yourself and go into the bedroom, bathroom, etc.

2) Take 10 SLOW, deep breaths

3) Write down - what is causing you to be angry? Is that the real source or is there something else that has been bugging you? Keep pushing to identify the real trigger - vs what was just going on in the kitchen.

4) Write down what a rational person's response would be to that - is it even a big deal? Do you have something else you need to talk to someone about later?

5) Take 10 more SLOW , deep breaths.

6) Pray!!! Read through the Psalms. God can help you with this. Pray through all the angry feeling to get to the root of what is deep in your heart.

7) Call a friend who can talk you through this and who is helping hold you accountable to acceptable behavior.

The key thing is you can't just 'sort of' deal with this. This is going to take aggressive, humble seeking of help and accountability to work through this and help your heart to heal.

Good luck!!T.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Fort Smith on

Well my cousin had this problem he went to therapy for it but
One thing to ask why are you getting angry is it at a person are
You able to walk away from them if so do so tell yourself I'm leaving now go for a walk redirect your self take your self out of the situation

1 mom found this helpful


answers from San Diego on

Hello, You might want to think about getting counseling. It is never a bad thing to ask for help. You have already taken the first step by asking on this forum. In the mean time, when my husband (who passed away in March) would make me angry, I would go into the bathroom and cry or say mean things that I didn't want to say to him and then when I returned to the room he was in, I didn't say anything harmful. Eventually, I would tell him how he made me feel at the time. We rarely had an argument in the 43 years we were together. One time when he wasn't there I got very angry and broke a cup. I then looked at it and told myself that was very stupid, because now I had to clean it up. I never did that again.
Good luck with your situation.
K. K.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

Avoid caffeine. Exercise. Put your kid in the stroller and take long, long walks. Take yoga classes if you can. Forgive yourself. Start over. Try again.


answers from Los Angeles on

Also, taking deep breaths in and out of your nose has a physically calming effect. Taking a walk helps put things in perspective, especially if you are feeling confrontational towards someone. You don't want to lash out in front of your kids, either. They will learn to express anger the same way. Remember, it is a choice that you can make. It is hard work at first but it gets easier. Just picture yourself outside of your body looking at you when you go into a rage. Do you look scary?ugly?threatening?low class? Do you want people to see you like that? Whenever I see people on tv acting that way I automatically classify them as uneducated and low class, even if they aren't. Makes a big difference.



answers from Los Angeles on

My biggest help in calming down my self was helping my son. If your children are following your behavior it is important now to change for them, so that they don't follow in the same difficult path.
I looked at my mom and realized that I didn't want to be 60 and still angry about everything. I didn't want to be 30 and still angry about everything. I didn't want my son to be 6 and still angry about everything.

I had to model for him, how he should handle it. I still usually have that "moment" of "@#!*:?" before I can calm myself down. I have picked "swear words" that aren't really swearing so that when my son repeats them I'm ok with that. I allow myself to shout A word and then I have to step away and figure out whether or not being mad is the best solution. Sometimes it is...when the kids punched holes in the brand new trampoline...Most of the time it's in the living room, water spilled in the kitchen, homework not done, etc.

If you really aren't able to control it on your own, please find a counselor. Worse than you being mad and unhappy through your life is to pass a lifetime of that on to your children.
Good Luck



answers from Los Angeles on

Read whatever you can by Pema Chodron.




answers from Los Angeles on

Buy in Whole Foods or any other well-stocked health store, homeopathic remedy Sepia 30C. Take 3 pellets every morning on empty stomach for 1 week.
Good Luck


answers from Modesto on

You are aware that you have this problem and that is the beginning of the cure. The second you feel the anger trigger you must act immediately to redirect your impulses and do something else.... walk away, breathe, think of something else, pick up something ANYTHING to read to get your mind going in another direction, the anger urge will diminish and by that time you can rationally tolerate the situation that pissed you off.


answers from San Francisco on

Be consious of your anger.Try to take control of it,when you feel the initial well up coming,where it is still inside,just before it explodes out to the person,STOP.Say to yourself do I really want this to burst out now and try to calm yourself,deep breaths or walking away from the situation for a minute usually helps.
Anger is from inner emotions not being expressed.So maybe try to be honest with yourself to find the source of your anger and work on this.Usually the anger being expressed at the time has nothing to do with the real reason why you are angry.
Best of luck
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