Stuggling to Find Myself and Happiness. Advice

This might seem like a crazy idea, but is there any way you could rent a room out? It would bring in a bit of money and if you find someone that you get along well with, it could be a way to have company and maybe even help with the children. Perhaps you could find someone willing to help a bit with the kids in exchange of lower rent? My mom took in a single mom who hit a rough patch and now my mom considers her family.

I would join MOPS. They watch the kids for you and you go attend for free.
It helped me make friends and learn to meet people. Plus, we were cooked for and I loved that. Just getting out of the house and relaxing gave me hope it would get better.
I think my birth teacher should have said "Having a baby will leave you feeling alone, isolated, and exhausted." Of course, maybe she wanted to be positive. I know I felt like something was wrong with me for feeling this way, but then when I got the nerve to speak up everyone goes "Me too!"
When my husband and I were struggling financially like this, it was horrible.
I did give up sodas which was a healthy thing, but I felt very angry almost that I could not even have a coke or eat out and I was a college graduate.
What did I work for all those years?
It got way better when the pressure was off financially. Frankly, he was less grumpy and didn't freak out if I spent too much on food.

Does your husband have student loans/pell grants/ or scholarships to help with expenses? Do you all qualify at all for food stamps? If you were to maybe babysit another child during the day, that could help with expenses. Also, http://www.angelfoodministires.com can help provide you with healthy and inexpensive meals as well. We have used them in the past, since food is one of our biggest expenses.

As for maintaining the home, put away a lot of the toys and keep out some of the pieces that are easier to clean. If you have a storage box or something, just quickly gather up those items and throw them in there. Do you have a library at all you can go to? Most libraries have free storytimes/crafts and such during the day. Do you go to church? If so, network with the moms and maybe join a playgroup, or look for a MOPS group in your area. Take your kids to the park or get to know your neighborhood moms.

We are in a similar boat, but when your husband is done with school and if he finds a better job, it will help. It's a rough road, but it does get easier!

Also, you can try baking brownies or cookies or something for your little sweets... plus, if you have to show your home, the smell of fresh cookies is always wonderful!

I love this video on motherhood, it's only a few minutes long but it is so uplifting!:
http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...

I could have written this 10 years ago. Right down to the "selling a house and trying to keep it clean with toddlers and babies running around" and "husband working full-time and in school" and "no support, no family around, no friends". Seriously, I've been there EXACTLY as you've described. And it was HARD. But it made me stronger and it made me a better mother and wife. It's really tough for you now, but you WILL get through it. Your house WILL eventually sell and your kids WILL grow up and become reasonable, rational human beings. Your husband will get his degree and won't be in school forever. RIGHT NOW is the hardest part. Hang in there because it WILL ease up. You're stronger than you think - take it one day at a time, find joy in the small things (I bet sometimes your 3yr old says something that cracks you up, no? Sometimes your 1yr old looks at you like you're the best thing to EVER happen to her, right?). You love your daughters more than you could have ever thought possible and you love your husband who is a good man and doing what he can for his precious girls. That's all you need to get you through this. And you WILL get through this.

Being a SAHM can be so isolating. I think the internet is sometimes the only thing that keeps me sane!
I was recently in your shoes as we were trying to sell our home. My husband worked out of town and was only home a few nights a week. We showed our home over 100 times in 2 years. I have 3 young children. I felt like all I did was clean and that we could not have a real life. It was such relief when we sold our home.
Looking back, I appreciate life as it is now a lot more due to the difficulties we endured. I know life is hard for you now, but it will get easier. It will get better. In the meantime, come up with some solutions to get yourself over the hump. Talk to your realtor: can you specify a certain day/days that you show your home? I have seen a lot of listings that say "showings on Mondays only". I sure wish I would have looked into doing that. If I could have lived our life and just made sure the house was clean for Mondays, wow, it would have solved so many problems.

Can you invite someone over to your house? How about hosting a book club, or girls' movie night? I know Tremonton is pretty isolated and the weather sure has been crappy, but spring is right around the corner. Are you within walking distance of a park? If so, start striking up conversations with other moms there. Are you involved with church? Even if you are not, you could contact the Relief Society President to see if there are any play groups. Honestly, I got so desperate last year I just started showing up to church events even though we are not church-goers. As long as I showed up with something to contribute to the pot-luck, I didn't feel bad. It was a good way to meet the neighbors! I often see groups of people walking together around here, perhaps you could organize a group of fellow-moms to walk every day for exercise. Print out some flyers and deliver them around your neighborhood, or mention it to any moms you see at the park.
I don't know if you are anything like me- I am totally shy and reclusive, but after being isolated for long enough, I found that I am now willing to put myself out there. Good luck! I am in Utah as well, so if I think of any other ideas I will let you know. I am always looking around for cheap/free things to do as well.
**are your kids in school yet? I find that volunteering is a great way to meet new people. I do a lot of volunteering at my kids' school and even just talking to the teachers for a few minutes helps me feel like I had SOME social contact! Also, check out Bountiful Baskets. You can meet so many people volunteering with them, just show up on Saturday mornings to help distribute produce and break down boxes.

I am sorry you feel so alone and so sad. Is it the money? Is it the lack of time w/ your husband? Family time? Friends? All of the above? Can you find a sitter somewhere (church etc) to watch both kids so you can get out a bit and breathe by yourself or with your Mom or best of all your husband. You need to have something to fill you up emotionally - you sound like you are running on fumes. A little "fun" will go a long way : ). Even if you plan a family picnic for dinner and your husband comes one Sat or Sun... or at a time when he has a break from school - spring, fall or summer breaks? Can you join a playgroup/mom's group - church play group for some interaction and break from the isolation? Just rambling... wishing you the best.

I am really sorry that you are going through this. I feel your pain. I too am a sahm. I haven't worked in almost 2 years. I go on interviews and think everything went well, but there's always something that gets in the way of my actually landing the job. I used to feel sorry for myself and my situation. One day I just looked at myself in the mirror and I said (Out loud)" you are worth it, you are beautiful, your kids need you to stay strong for them" since then, I keep my spirits high. I just think of all of the positive things that I have instead of thinking of the negative all the time. I have to beautiful, healthy children. I am able to provide the basics needs. We're not hungry, we have a roof over our heads and we have eachother. I'm not a very religious person, but I do pray. I feel that there is a reason for everything that happens. Maybe I haven't found a job yet because my son stills not me home with him. I'm saying all of this to say, we have to be happy for the things that we do have. There is always someone out there who is doing worse off then us. So we can't take the small things for granted. Hang in there girl! Although you feel alone right now, your not gonna be this way forever. It will get better in due time. Trust me and keep the faith! :)

I have a 2 and 3 year old. We just listed our house 3 weeks ago so I know what you mean about keeping in a constant state of perfect. Here are some things I do to keep it looking immaculate: 1) Find some time to really deep clean bathrooms and kitchen. This way I am able to keep up with vacuuming, dusting and polishing furniture every other day. 2) We de-cluttered our house a lot. We donated a lot of things to Goodwill or a local mission. We also threw away a lot of stuff that has just been sitting for years. 3) I bought some of those inexpensive storage containers/bins to put items used on a daily basis into to store in cabinets underneath sinks and countertops. This way there is a place out of sight for it at all times. Teach your husband to put it back after each use. 4) With my kids I gate off sections of the house. If we are downstairs I put the gates up so they can't get to other parts of the house and vice versa if we are upstairs. This way they can play and mess up an area while I am cleaning another part. I do put some of their toys away and rotate them out right now to minimize the messes they can make in a matter of seconds! I clean their areas last and try to make games out of it to get their help. Sing Dora's clean up song or separate items into piles by color, shape, etc. for fun. 5)You should be able to tell your realtor to give you at least an hour or 2 heads up before a showing to get everything ready for the showing.

As far as finding things to do, do you attend a local church? Often you can find a women's bible group or MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) group to hang out with. They usually offer childcare and they are usually free or very inexpensive to participate. Look for community centers, schools, parks and rec or a library as well. They will often provide fun activities too. There are a lot of toddler activities you find online to do with your kids too. Just google them. I try to split our day up into blocks of time such as reading time, music time, play time, exercise time, cooking time, etc.
Good luck to you and I hope some of these suggestions help you out!

A.

o my goodness! You need a hug! It sounds like you are doing the best you can in your situation you are currently in. work and school is rough on one person and my husband is in a similar situation right now. I'm sure he is exhausted and little to no help and he is also sad that he can't see you and his girls all the time either.

For you- keeping your sanity on such a tight budget and also trying to sell a house! You are a super-woman!! Do you guys have a library close by? Borrow some new movies to watch (for both you and your girls). I know you said you wer ein a rural community which makes it that much harder... parks, local bookstores with story time...

I like the idea of you going to your mom's (while I know gas is expensive) for a change in scenery. I also love the idea below of going to a church for functions, even if you aren't a church goer (which I am not either!)... they understand!

maybe try finding a book series that you can get into when the girls go to bed instead of watching tv. I know that sometimes being stuck on the couch watching boring dramas and reality tv can sometimes make you feel worse.

what about your in-laws? Have you reached out to them? Any old college friends?

You are in a tough situation and I wish I could be more help. I would fly to UT to give you a hug if I could! Good luck and try to remember that this too will pass and soon your hubby will be done with school, your kids will be in school, and your life will be a little easier!

I completely hear where you are coming from.
Okay can you have a garage sale and sell things you no longer need or use on a weekend to make more money?
-How about selling some things on Craigslist? (Only be careful and not have anyonee come over to your home when you are alone. A lot of times I would meet the prospective buyer at a busy coffeeshop parking lot so I could have my kids w/me or I would leave the item on the doorstep and tell them to leave the money under the mat. Hey if they steal it.....at least I am safe).
-Do you have a Dollar Store in your area? Cheap cookies, chocolate, kid's toys.
- Turn the comeday channel on when you need some laughter to chase the blues away.
- Call a friend to chase the blues away.-
-Know that this too shall pass. Hang in there.
- Rent a movie from The Redbox at grocery stores for $1. It's ok if you don't get to watch it all...have hubby return it for you.
- Ask your friends to occasionally mail you funny jokes or a card. I say mail because it's like getting a present in the mail to get a letter and I know you can't always turn on a compueter (no time.)
- Read the comics. Laughter is always good.
- You might even be able to sell things on etsy.com
- Go to thrift stores to buy something cheap for yourself.
- Borrow magazines from friends for cheap entertainment.
- Subscribe to one cheap magazine.
- Exercise in your home (jump rope, exercise channel, buy one good exercise DVD)
- buy yourself cheap flowers (daisies) once a month or once every two months
- write your friends. they will write you back and it's worth the postage.
- make things w/your kids to save money. art projects etc. things that don't cost money
- put your feet up for 15 mins a day
- treat yourself to something cheap ($5) when you can. Doesn't have to be today.
- Make a dream list...things you'd like to do
- Make a dream place to visit list. You may actually never go but the act of writing is fun-
Hang in there.....things will get better!

There must be some free activities at the library you can take the kids to. You need to make some friends. Take a picnic lunch and plan to go to the library and a park after for lunch. When you meet another Mom ask her to join you and the kids. Check out the lessons at a craft store they offer everything from knitting to cake decorating depending upon the store. Often the cost of the lessons is nominal because they sell the supplies at the store and are hoping you will buy more yarn or fabric from them.
Start a 'graditude journal', every night after the kids go to bed write down the things you are thankful for. Everything from blue skies to a much needed rain, healthy kids, loving hubby to flowers blooming. When we look for things to be grateful for we start to see how lucky we really are.

I completely understand your situation. When my children were little (0-5 years old) I was a sahm with husband working, travelling for business and going to school. Yes, time with him was next to nothing. I know how it is dying for adult conversation and companionship. My MIL was 1 hour away and I did not want her to watch them and my mom was half way across the US.
I now an on a bunch of local forums for my business that has a lot of moms on it that organize play-dates and free events for themselves and their children. I so wish these were around when my kids were little. I know you mentioned you are in a rural area...there has to be some other little kids there. Is there a bookstore around? A lot of times they do story times for kids...a great time to meet other moms. I also wish I would have started my business when my kids were little for anything other than meeting new people and having a personal purpose. Contact me if you want...I completely know what you are talking about. Think out of the box....Best wishes.

your kids are at a tough age for mom, both of them. so even if you did have relief (which you don't) you'd probably still feel the same. i sympathize with everything you have written here. first 4 years of my twins lives were so difficult on me. i thought i'd never be happy again. not just their age, but medical issues, husband being gone all the time, no friends, no family. i thought i was not going to make it. but honestly things got easier with each year. i hit the library as often as we could take it. i did arts and crafts. filled out a small pool in our yard and let kids play while i read a book, anything mindless. i also went through selling homes (3 in 5 years) and had to show the home to people. clean, take care of kids, show the home only to find out no offer was coming in from all those showings. i really have no advice except try to free things as much as you can. give yourself a break as much as you can. let the house get unclean from time to time. reject a showing when you don't feel up to it. don't try to be super mom, just be a mom, and accept that you're tired and lonely.i hope things get better for you soon. it will, just hang in there.

All I could encourage you to do is keep focus on what you want to do or have to get done. Sometimes when we are stuck in the everyday routine, we lose hope and feel like everything around us is crashing, then one thing mounts on top of each other and it becomes overwhelming.

Take a trip to your mother for a day or so with the kids for a change of scenery.

Be a friend to someone new in the grocery store and visit or talk with them sometimes

Make lunch for your husband and take a drive to his workplace or at a park and have lunch together

Remind yourself why you are where you are, set a goal and keep your eye on that. When we see an "end", we won't get so burdened by the journey to get there.

Select a specific room for your kids to play and enforce that they only play there so that when someone comes to view the house, the toys are not all over the place and you can quickly get that one room cleaned.

Instead of taking a walk for the exercise, try creating a game to play with your active age kids and dance to music with them, jump around etc. Walking is nice but it can be boring too, especially if you don't have much to do in your area.

We are not in your situation and can see more clearly, but hopefully you get other good suggestions to uplift your spirit.

No offense but with finances so tough why is he in school? Who's paying for it??? How much longer does he need to be in school. How many classes is he taking at one time? If I were in your shoes I would be very unhappy as well. I do feel that there is an imbalance here. I see that you definitely need a break. You have not been able to get a way to re-energize yourself. I would look at getting connected to a Mom's playgroup and see if you can get a babysitter you trust. To save money look at sharing duties with another couple where you watch their kids and vice versa for a date night with your hubby or a girls night for you for a few hours...

There is medical depression (helped with meds) and situational depression (something needs to change). Your situation certainly warrants feeling depressed! You are in a tough spot but it sounds temporary. It also sounds like you are doing alot of things right: going for walks, finding small pleasure like a candybar or TV show. So what else can you change to help your situation?

Regarding your house for sale, buyers tend to focus on the living room, kitchen and master bedroom and bathroom. Can you focus on keeping those areas of your house sparkling and play in the kids bedroom(s) so the clutter is contained and you have fewer areas to clean? People understand these are kids areas and can overlook the mess.

Getting some time off, and making new friends would be a good idea, too. I used to belong to a babysitting coop that started with just 4 or 5 families in our neighborhood. It became popular and we had to cap it at 12 families. We printed our own "money", took turns watching eachothers kids, had parties and park days together. I loved getting to know the other moms. It was a great support system, the kids loved playing together and I rarely had to pay for babysitting but got out once a week by myself. In a rural area like yours, you may have to drive further to meet other mom's but it's worth the effort. We moms need eachother.

Is there a mothers day out program in your community? You could get a part time job and take the girls with you. Or you could nanny for someone in thier home. That way you can bring in money without paying a sitter. Maybe even enough to not have to sell your house! Set the hours you are willing to show - only between 3 and 7 or whatever, so you don't have to be ready in 30 minutes.

It's great that you are so supportive of your husband right now and it will pay off one day. When he gets out of school he will make more money and be home more often. It will all be worth it.

You know.........you can go to school too. There is a lot of money out there for moms that want to go to school. You could get free money to go to school and help with daycare. You deserve to be happy. Staying home and trying not to drop a crumb on the floor is very h*** o* you and the girls. It's ok to go do something for yourself.

Wow, I had this EXACT same scenario a few years back. I was absolutely miserable, I cried a ton in private. My mom at the time also had health issues, and lived several states away. To be honest with you, I felt no other choice but to turn to my Savior. I prayed desperately and told God exactly what I needed to have happen as well as asked God to please take a burden off of me so I can regain control of my home life. It was almost like God was just waiting for me to tell him exactly what I needed to have happen because it was amazing how within 8 days my home sold, we found a new place a couple days later and I was able to relax once again. It's difficult knowing your husband is trying his damndest to make sure you have a great future but these are all trials that we have to learn to get through. I came out of my situation knowing God gave me that trial to make me realize he exists whether I want to admit it or not and to make me a stronger mother, wife, friend etc... These times will pass, it just really sucks, really, really bad right now. I'll say a prayer for you tonight, you'll get through this, just take a deep breathe and ask God what you need to do next to get through this storm. Want a tip I used when I had showings and my kids stuff was everywhere? I kept black plastic bags handy so when I had short notice, I through every last thing in my path in the bags and put them in the garage. All the dirty dishes, I through those in a garbage can w/a lid. I then had to sort through them, but it was a quick way to get out of the house fast for the showing:)

I know finding time to read with little ones around is a near impossibility but I could not encourage you enough to read The Mission of Motherhood by Sally Clarkson. AMAZING!

http://amzn.to/hl7sYv

Even if it is just a paragraph here and there for the next however many weeks, months or years, you will be SO encouraged in being a mommy and all the joys & hardships we face each day. It is a read, re-read & re-read again! Can also be found at your local library if you don't want to spend the $$.

Just for Fun: www.mom.salary.com. Count yourself & precious time with your little ones a luxury & time you will treasure forever & never be able to do over again. In my world anything that costs 6 figures is a luxury item and I am (we are as mothers) the most precious luxury item our family could ever be given. Hang in there mama!