Struggling to Fit in and Getting Depressed and Unmotivated

Updated on September 01, 2011
J.F. asks from Bloomington, IN
24 answers

We made the big move back to our home state a month ago. We love the house and location. My husband loves his shorter commute and more time with us. We love being closer to our families (1-2 hours away). We have seen some member of our family each weekend we've been back. My oldest started preschool 2 days a week last week. She seems to like it.

My issue is that I'm wilting away in the emotional department (I wish the physical dept.) I found a scrapbooking store that I've gone 2 times now and that has gone ok with meeting people, but I also know I won't be able to afford to keep going that often. The moms group I found seems big and involved, but the dates and times have been a little ackward and I admit I feel nervous about just showing up not knowing a soul. I've made a connection at the elementary school that has a scheduled play group twice a week. We went yesterday and plan to go tomorrow, but honestly the moms were very clichy and ignored me (openly).

I am a social creature and need a friend base. I left fantastic friends and am starting to regret the move. I know it takes time to establish these connections. I am trying to be out there and not needy. No one likes that person. Do you have any other ideas on how to meet people and to give us something to do? I plan to get a part time job soon (I used to tutor, but would like to work with adults doing something new). I can't get a job for another 2 months because I have a hysterectomy scheduled in 2 weeks and will need time to recover fully. I also should note that we are not church go-ers.

It is killing me that I am watching the clock for when my husband comes home. I need something to fill my days other than hanging out at the house all day. Thanks for reading my long-winded whiney complaint/question.

1 mom found this helpful

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So What Happened?

The library only has VERY limited story times that you have to register for. We plan to go to all of them. The connection I made with the school could pan out. I told her I was up for anything they needed at the elementary school and the preschool (which is part of the district). She invited me to a meeting coming up in a week.

I am looking for things for an almost 4 year old girl and a 16 month old girl to do with me during the days as well as something social for me to do evenings or weekends. My husband is very supportive of this, I just have to find it and it not cost a lot of money. we only have his salary until I can get a job in a couple of months. THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT! I really needed it today. :)

Featured Answers


answers from Austin on

What helped me with the mom's club was to have my husband tell the guys he works with about it. The guys told their wives who wanted to get out of the house and meet new people. So then when I went to the meetings I was not the only new person there.

2 moms found this helpful

More Answers


answers from St. Louis on

Go to a Panera with your laptop, get a latte and watch people. Highly entertaining.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Phoenix on

Well, it sounds like you're doing all the "right things". But as adults it is so hard to make firends and then to make your schedules work is SO hard. None of my friends have kids so what I do on my spare time is different than they're interested to do. And I know how the clichy thing feels. When my oldest went to Kindergatren I thought that I'd make at least one friend from the moms of her class but they all seemed to already know each other and didn't have room for one more even in the before school chatter... I guess I don't have any advise but just want to offer my support and let you know that I know how you feel. Too bad we didn't live closer to one another.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Spokane on

It's like dating again. You just have to keep trying to engage people, and eventually a few will turn into friends.

Keep doing things that interest you and you'll meet like-minded people. Good luck.....I know it's tough - I'm still learning too :o)

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Syracuse on

You're doing all the right things...just give it time.

I can remember back when we first moved, I went to a few playgroups and felt the same thing at first...that it was clichy and that they weren't interested in making new friends, I kept going and ended up becoming very friendly with some of the other moms. I think they just get busy talking to one another but don't mean to exclude someone. I try to remember that now whenever I meet someone new at a playgroup/mom's group.

I'm sure soon enough you'll be making plenty of friends!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Raleigh on

How about checking out There are a ton of interests on there, and perfect way to meet people that are interested in the same things you are. I have a couple of friends that went to some of the scheduled meet ups, and they met some really great people and had a blast. In fact, my SIL went ziplining through one of these meetup groups and had a wonderful time.
Hang in there... change is hard...
Take care.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

My advice is to keep trying with the Moms Group. It takes time to make friends, so just keep showing up! Keep going to the playgroup, too, even if the moms don't seem welcoming. Sometimes people that appear "cliquey" are just socially awkward or shy, so they wait for someone else (or you) to break the ice.

Remember to ASK QUESTIONS and then just listen! People love to talk about themselves and their kids. Ideas: did you take a summer vacation? How did you & your husband meet? Did you grow up around here? How did you choose a preschool for your child?

Also, when my son started preschool, I left notes for some other parents w/my contact info asking if they'd be interested in getting the kids together for a playdate.

Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Bloomington on

It is really hard! The libraries in the area have really good programs and really that is a pretty good way to meet people and there are always easy conversation starters...your child is so cute, how old? Do you have any others? Etc. Also ask them if they know of any really good parks etc. Even if you know where all the really good parks are already, it is a conversation starter and kind of an ice breaker.

I also live in Bloomington area - just west of it anyway. My daughter is older, 4th grade, but if you ever want to talk feel free to message me.

I am trying to think of friends of mine with younger kids but all the kids are my daughter's age. Either way, feel free to message me anytime - we can chit chat and maybe have lunch one day. :o)

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Sacramento on

Hi J.,
I had to look at your profile to make sure you weren't a friend of mine in disguise. :) She also moved to Bloomington (last winter), and she seemed to be going through a lot of the things you are. They also moved to be closer to family and for a great career opportunity for her husband. I don't know anything about Bloomington, but I know she was trying to get her girls (3 1/2 and 2) invloved in activities like gymnastics and Music Together. I remember her saying that it was a lot like dating again, like another mom mentioned. Are there other families with young K. in the neighborhood? I know it's taken some time, but it sounds like my friend is finally starting to adjust to her new home and make some connections. I don't know how big Bloomington is--maybe you'll run into her someday :)

1 mom found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

are you looking for activities you can do with or without your kids? Public libraries often have activities and story times for young children. If you're looking for something you can do when you *don't* have your kids with you, how about volunteering at your child's preschool or at the elementary school you mentioned? IME volunteering is a great pick-me-up because you get that satisfying feeling of knowing you've done something good for someone else, and volunteering at the school or preschool has the added advantage of helping you get to know the staff/faculty and other involved parents there.
Also, if you take your kids out to the local library and playground on a regular basis, you might start getting to know other moms who do the same, and that can be a good starting point of connection
Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Albuquerque on

Introduce yourself to the parents at the preschool... you have something in common and many of the moms probably stay at home (since the school is only a few days a week). Preschool parents is where I found the majority of my friends when we moved to our new town too.

And hang in there - it does take time and it's so frustrating! We moved to this town in Feb 2009 and I didn't make a single good friend until my girls started preschool in May 2010. It was a long year. Then from May - October I had social contacts, but not any real good friends. Suddenly in October I started making friends (maybe it took six months for us to really get to know each other?) and now I have to turn play dates and dinner parties down. The same will happen to you!!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from New York on

You sound very nice and normal so I bet the playgroup will warm up to you. It's possible they don't see each other that often and wanted to catch up with each other vs take time to talk to the new person. And since you have a child old enough to actually play with other kids, I'd try to be patient until he/she makes a little friend and then you can hopefully talk 1:1 to that mom, invite them over for a playdate etc. Does the library have story hours? And Bloomington is a big town, do they have a New Neighbors type group? Not aimed at moms w/ young children necessarily but lots of towns have some kind of new people group you could try.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Cleveland on

Too bad we don't live closer, we could help each other!
I moved to Akron, from Chicago a lil over 2 years ago.
i left family, long time friends etc.
Here in Ohio..I have My b/f, my kids and my b/fs sister.
I'm a stay at home mom, but I am working on getting a job some how.
I've tried mommy groups in my area, and so far I Do NOT fit in.
I'm 25 and have 2 kids, Most moms i run into are about 10years older than me.
I'm not into church either.
I was extra brave and went to a mommy group at a park. I spent the whole time chasing after my son. so no chance to talk to any moms.
I feel weird out here. And I do the same thing with my b/f coming home. Today he is working the late shift, so I'm all bummed that I don't get to see him till 7pm. It feels so lame to be like that.
Advice..? um keep trying? That is kinda what I keep telling myself.
Go for walks? Do you have a hobby, like reading, scrapbooking, etc??

1 mom found this helpful


answers from New York on

- Library Story Hour is great- have met a few women there.
- Volunteer at the preschool or elementary school; get involved with the PTA
- Garden Club, Junior League, etc. There are all womens' organizations that welcome new members
- Play dates! If your children ask to have someone over, invite them and include mom to stay for coffee/tea. This will give you some 1:1 time with her rather than you being the new one trying to enter an establised group.
- Call your library about a book club (ours has one that meets monthly)

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

You poor thing. This is hard. But remind yourself it's only been a month.

Right now get some good books and videos. You have that hysterectomy coming up. Try to look at it as a chance to rest.

Don't just drop and pick your daughter up at school if that's what you've been doing. Stand around outside and try to strike up conversations with other Mom's. Volunteer at the school. It's the quickest way to meet other women. Help the teacher, room-mom, etc... Don't be intimidated by other women. Be yourself and you will find women like you!

Are you a political type? Join the League of Women Voters or campaign for someone. Offer to start a bookclub for your daughter. Call the other mom's to see who would be interested. Accepted helpers.

Hang in there. It will get better if you persevere.

I see babysitters may be a problem. Some things can be done in the evening. During the day with the kiddos...... find the closest mall and see if they have a play area. It's FREE and other mom's come. Especially when the weather gets bad. Go to the park as much as you can. Walk in your neighborhood and meet your neighbors.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Columbus on

When I moved to Columbus, I found a great group through a website called "meet up". The web site is of groups with different interests in you area that you can join. I went to that 1st meeting in a public place thinking that if I didn't liked it, I just didn't have to go back and it turned out great; its been 4 years and I found great friends with similar interests and in my case, with kids almost the same age as mine, and I don't regret taking that chance. Good luck to you, I know it takes time but don't discourage, one month is too soon to do that.



answers from Columbus on

Depending on where you live a lot of malls have mall walks an hour before they open. Our mall does and several SAHMs attend and then of course they network in the play area before returning to their day. Also there are scrapbooking groups all over the place that have crops and are a great place to meet people. Good luck!



answers from Cleveland on

Usually They say if u exercise you feel better about things. Endorphins. Why not join a club or your local rec center?



answers from Indianapolis on

Hi J.,
Since you like in a college town go on IU's website and look for part-time work. You will find them under hourly positions. IU is a beautiful campus when you are feeling lonely go there and walk around. There is lots to see. Good luck and I hope you will find a friend soon. Everyone needs a friend.



answers from Cincinnati on

I feel your pain! I have lived in 3 different states in 10 years due to my husband's job and have had to leave great friends behind each time. I will be completely honest in telling you that going to Jazzercise is what has saved me each time. It's a great workout and I'm sure there is a location in your area. People are so friendly there and you get to work out! I know you are having a hysterectomy soon, but maybe something to consider after that. Good luck and I hope things get better! :-)



answers from Cleveland on

I understand how you feel. My life was filled with activities surrounded by my children and then I became an empty nester. Wow! what a shock to my system. My social interactions changed drastically and I felt lonely, unattached, depressed, and just horrible.

I purchased a male betta fish (just one) and put him in a nice sized flower vase and now he sits in the middle of my kitchen table, so when I walk into the house I see him. I need life in my house again and not just mine.

I am also caring for my son's puppy and it's nice to see her when I come home from work in the evenings. As for the social interaction, I joined a fitness class for that purpose. The ladies are positive and the excercise is helping me to feel better about myself and I am losing some weight, but my main reason for going is to have some type of social outlet in my life that involves other people. I also take the puppy on walks and that helps also.

Wishing you comfort and peace on your new beginnings :-)



answers from Tulsa on

Scrapbooking is EXPENSIVE.

I would join MOPS, even if you don't want to. They get together at parks and playplaces outside of the meetings. I would also eat then go to McDonalds to play. You can buy one drink and let them play on the playground.



answers from Columbus on

I did the same thing when my oldest was 2 years old. I met great friends through mothers groups - MOPS (mother of preschoolers) and FEMALE
Formerly employed mothers at the leading edge and kids activities - Music, movement & me (similiar to Kindermusic) and through volunteering at the schools once my kids entered kindergarten. MOPS usually starts up in the fall, so look for a group. They usually meet at a chuch, but the group is open to everyone and you don't have to be a church member. I have also made friends going to scrapbooking crop - through creative memory consultants so its not a store. Good Luck!


answers from La Crosse on

I understand where your coming from... only I gave up on trying to find friends. I have lived in this town for 10 years... yup 10 years!! I thought that maybe I would have found someone in any one of my kids classes and clicked with the parents. Nope, with the older kids Im the youngest mom and I think too much of age gap... with my younger ones, Im the oldest mom... go figure! We go out to clubs but still no friendship. I have alot of acquaintances but people I actually call friends.. no. I have literally 2 people I could call right now and say hey want to do something. People seem to very closed off on wanting to meet new people. It seems to me like people have thier friends and thier families and lives already and don't want to make room for someone new... no matter how nice they are! Hopefully you find some! It gets kinda lonely...

( sorry I hope this doesn't depress you more! Its just how I feel and what I have noticed... )

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