Strong Willed Child

My son was very difficult when he was young. Largely it was because he has a very inflexible personality. Someone recommended this book to me: The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children. It has a lot of good ideas. Also, even if she doesn't agree with medication, I think she should have him evaluated by a child psychiatrist. There might be ADD/ADHD or even an mild autism/aspergers issue. I know parents don't want to hear that, but it makes difficult parenting issues easier if you understand the causes. We eventually found out my son has aspergers, which made us sad, but also reduced the contention since we had a better understanding of the problem.

"children of this generation have very strong wills and spirits, which I believe is to help them be strong in the face of enticements all around them, and a cultural level of acceptance for things that used to be taboo."

I love this quote. I can't remeber where I read it but I think of it often when dealing with my strong willed child.

Hi V.,
I am sorry to hear you had negative responses, well here is mine. I have a very intense and strong willed daughter. she is 6 now and we have worked out a method that works for us. It takes a bit of consistency, practice and finding out what is important to the child. Say for instance we were at a friends and she started throwing a tantrum.(I hate feet stomping)I would scoop her up and head for home, When we got home I put her on her bed, I wouldn't talk to here until I was going out of her room and I said that she needed to stay there until I calmed down because I was upset with her behavior in front of my friend. It wasn't really that I was upset but I knew she needed time to calm down herself and having me as a reason gave her a time out and time to calm down and think about the whole situation.
For me the biggest difuser of her behavior was not to react emotionally. If I didn't show an emotional response it took the heat right out of her. Sometimes when she is upset with someone else and she is being intense I just go up and give her a hug and tell her I'm sorry she's having such a tough time. I also had a son who threw tantrums and what worked best for him was to completely ignore him. One day he was in the hallway pounding the floor with his fists and kicking his feet and screaming away and I just stepped over him, went in my room and closed the door. With out an audience he quickly quit the tantrum and came to the door, knocked softly and asked me "Don't you care about me mom" I responded that of course I do but his behavior made it hard to get close to him.
I wish your friend luck. It is hard to deal with a volitale child and sometimes does take the joy of being a mom right out of the job. Let her know her best weapon is to stay calm. If she needs to...give herself a time out. and that she's not alone and as in all things this too shall pass.

Hi V. - it's interesting because what I think you are describing is a tantrum even moreso than a strong-willed child but I havent experienced his other behaviors. My 3yo has had only a handful of tantrums and he is most definitely and without a doubt strong-willed. My 7yr old had tantrums all the time and was actually a very compliant kid. Just food for thought.

Dr. James Dobson's book the "Strong Willed Child" is one of the best out there on the subject. Jim Fay's "Love and Logic" is good too.

The fertile ground of a tantrum is over-stimulation, fatigue and hunger. Frustration is the seed. I think my older son had tantrums more because I wasnt as good at listening and watching for body cues and stimuli. I also wasnt as good at letting him make some of his own age-appropriate choices. Strong-willed kids like to feel like they are in control of their destiny, so giving them reasonable choices helps them to feel that way. It's also good to have a very thick skin and a pair of earplugs. There are a lot of other great strategies in those books that will help your friend and you too. You may be able to head off some of the problems with the terrible 3s that are coming soon. : )

~~~Check diet deeply.
~~~Check for chemicals in the home; try moving to nontoxic cleaners. I suggest Shaklee's Get Clean line (Oprah loves them...hehe...nothing like name dropping) www.shaklee.net/anbwr or she can go through the trouble (not really that bad) of making her own.
~~~Check sleeping habits
~~~Check for low blood sugar. Many moody children aren't having steady diets that keep their blood sugar level so the spikes and valleys create behavior issues--they just don't feel good and let you know by being emotional and irritiable
~~~Check Mommy/Daddy behavior. Many times strong willed children have strong willed parents. Also, we see that many times we are pulling on a door with the label PUSH. The fix is easy once we recognize the issue. For example, a child doesn't feel understood and becomes angry and acts out, parent scolds and punishes for bad behavior which in turn increases the outburst because it confirms the child's feeling; however, if Mom/Dad recognizes the child's discomfort and offers a hug, "Honey, I love You", and "What's going on" or "What causing you to act like this..." or "This isn't like you, what's happening..." the child can be defused and readily comforted, put back into control, AND both parent and child feel bonded.
~~~Check for medical reasons such as Asperger's
( www.aspergers.com )or other sensory/change disorders
~~~Check for actual schedules. Some children need tons and tons and tons of structure, especially at 3 and 4. Routine is very, very important. BUT have flexibility, too.
~~~Check sensitivity levels. Some children pick up on the slightest facial cues or body language. If they sense disproval or any type of negativity they begin to panic and FREAK out.
~~~Get the book "Always and Ally: Never an Adversary" by Muriel J Donaldson ( www.alwaysanally.com ) An easy and quick read.
~~~MORE, MORE, MORE hugging, smiling, and encouragement.
~~~Before bed do a daily reveiw of ONLY GOOD things the child has done (the last thing they hear at night should be positive, those are the things they think about as they sleep and as they begin to wake the next morning)
~~~Begin each day with SMALL goals for the child to acheive that can be put into the nightly review as successes and praise (We have older children that we've moved to weekly goals and reviews with as well--we include ourselves becuase we, too, have things to work on and it give the children a feeling of inclusion rather than division and adversity with us)
~~~Model good behavior. If Mommy yells a lot, child WILL yell a lot, too. Instead, when Mommy gets upset, tell child that Mommy is going to time out on her bed to calm down...each and every time declare this and then when child is upset, Mommy PLEASANTLY "helps" child to the bed to gain control on child's bed just like Mommy does. (If you want to use time out with the child, it works a lot better if it's interactive: Mommy/Daddy stays in the room with child to ensure child isn't playing and to MODEL "in control behavior" unless Mommy/Daddy are not capable of that. (we've all had those moments)
~~~Commit to leaving any place at any time for out of control behavior (yes, it is frustrating if you're at a place you like to be, BUT this will encourage others to continue inviting you and your child over because they'll know you take care of it immediately)
~~~Check to make sure child isn't being over stimulated. (Loud obnoxious TV blaring at him/her from morning til night, bright lights, extreme heat/cold in the house, lots of sugars and salts, chemicals in cleaners and perfumes mingling together, yelling and screaming in the house by others, lots of rough play--though that is very, very good for children in doses, etc...)
~~~Ensure FRESH veggies everyday not including potatoes...have cut up carrots to snack on, celery sticks, zuccini wedges, squash wedges, rolled up lettuce leaves, etc... place them on the table with a small amount of ranch or any type of dressing you have and leave it there. Tell child that is what there is to snack on. Child probably won't want it BUT leave it there! at some point the child will go for it becuase it is the ONLY thing allowed! As child becomes used to the idea of veggies, slowing begin thinning down the dressing to reduce fat content with water and/or milk. An increase of friuts and vegetables (especially vegetables) has been found to decrease symptoms of ADD/ADHD.
~~~Ensure hydration. Leave a cup of water on the table and tell child whenever s/he is thirsty there's a cup of water on the table. If child complains, simply tell child it's the only thing available and that you're sure s/he'll figure it out. Dehydration causes all kinds of system upsets in the body which is prime for fostering misbehavior and thinking.
~~~Remember modeling. Showing works better than telling. Do as I DO works far more significantly and peacefully that the hypocritical "do as I say, not as I do" adage. Example, Example, Example!!!
~~~Ensure Mommy/Daddy SAYS "I LOVE YOU" at LEAST 12 times each and every single day
~~~SUBMIT to motherhood. When I spend more time focus on ME and what I WANT in a day, I find I'm more sensitive and irritable toward my children. I find I think they're demanding and frustrating when in actuality they are not, I'm just being self centered and a wee bit selfish. So...have her check that, too. When the day is about serving the child (don't get hysterical) things move more smoothly and they get tired of you quickly. I find I have MORE time to myself and I'm able to do what I want more when I do put my children before myself--the way we all SAY we do but really don't. :o)
~~~Think things through to the end. If Mommy knows there's a long night ahead, bring things that comfort the child. Try not to have child out passed bedtime, but if there's a MUST, do what it takes to sooth the distractions, the discomfort, and the extra stimulation. If Mommy's going out into public, for say, a doctor appointment, or some other place that takes time; bring toys and snacks with something to drink to help entertain and focus the child's mind and energy. Play I-spy or things like that. ENGAGE the child so s/he isn't left to his/her own devices to curb the boredom that overwhelms them in these situations.

Sometimes we stick our children in situations they cannot win in and then get really mad at them when they fail to perform the way we want them to. It really isn't nice or loving, but we do it all the time. If we could use a little respectful foresight we'd alleviate the majority of our children's behavor issues AND save ourselves the public embarrassments we find ourselves in. Everyone around will appreciate the efforts made in advance. There will still be outbursts, there will still be embarrassments, there will still be will power struggles. BUT at least if mommy/daddy know WHY and HOW they come about, there's so much comfort, and a lot less stress involved with it. Also, once all these things have been checked and understood, there's a lot more freedom to appreciate and value the child for who and what the child is rather than what we THINK the child should be or might be.

Hope these help, they have helped here.

I'm sorry that you have had some bad experience, its hurtful when you are looking for help and find only criticism. People have a tendency to read between the lines and not know the whole story so they jump to conclusions. ( Had a question like that happen to me and now I refuse to write in real questions, only things about products.)

As for your friend how receptive is she for help. She may be at a point where she is feeling so bad about hating being a mom and helpless about the behavior that she may respond to suggestions badly, so you will have to be careful on how you approach with suggestions. I think I remember reading that the little boy is 3 and looking older. Is he an only child too? I have a very temperamental strong willed only child that is tall for her age. It makes people expect more of a child when they look older and its easy to forget that they are still going through what their age group is. The best advise is to not give power to the tantrums. Walk away if he screams and throws himself on the floor ( of course it needs to be in a safe environment) Or he needs to be put in his room until he can settle down. Consistency is a must and no second chances. It is instant consequence to negative actions. No pleading, no backing down. Your will has to be stronger, calmer and in control. We would talk after she calmed down about actions so she knew we weren't punishing just because, but why she was in trouble. We also made a point to point out all the positive things she does in a day. We started a chart recently that lists a few things she has to do and Good is a category, so at the very least if its a bad day I am reminded that she had to do one good thing to succeed in earning a sticker. I had a friend tell me once that we used a lot of love and logic techniques and she loved the book so perhaps suggesting the book Love and Logic to your friend might help.
Does he have any speech delays, that could be an issue if he is having a hard time communicating. If that is the case perhaps he needs to be evaluated by a doctor. Also if he is an only child, things will be rougher. Schooling helps. I had a counselor suggest getting her active in team sports and other groups.
We also took note of the signs my daughter was getting frustrated and took steps to help my daughter calm down before she was out of control. We would sit down and count to 5 or 10 and take a few deep breaths. I found if I could be silly and make her laugh about something she was getting frustrated over helped too. Just recently I had to remove everything from her room and had her earn back everything, so everyday is still a challenge and its an ongoing battle of wills, but underneath it all they are good kids that just need a little more help with making the right choices. I hope this isnt too long and there might be something different to suggest. Reassure your friend that she is doing the best she can, our kids have their own personality from the get go so we can only try to guide them. Good luck to you and your friend.

My son is very strong willed child, and if he dont get his way, its the end of the world. What I do when he starts screaming is send him to his room until he can stop, came out and talk like a big boy. It works really good most of the time, we have our days where it dont. But there is my idea if it hasnt already been tried.

It is Bible based if that is okay for her but we have Dr. James Dobson's book the "The Strong Willed Child". It is supposed to be one of the best on the subject. We just got it a week ago to help with our 3 year old so I can't say how its helped yet, but we're hopeful. I think in the long run the strong willed personality will be great once the disobedience is in check. I think you have to be more consistent and much more firm with this personality.....so its understandable that your friend has a hard time (we do too). You think you are doing everything you can and still your child ignores you.....its tiring. Tell her to hang in there and hopefully this book could help!

i find it helpful to talk with my son at a calm time. part of his fits are connected to him having a difficult time letting go of things. so if i sit down with him at a calm time in the day and ask him if he is sad/mad/frustrated with something lately, just putting those feelings into words does a lot for him. then i help him understand/cope with the thing he's unhappy about or we come up with a plan to help him handle it better the next time. it's not foolproof, but it helps us because he can carry on a bad mood for so long.

My oldest (8) is a strong willed child (SWC). I had a horrible time with her. It's SO hard to deal with a SWC, especially if you yourself are strong willed! But, my Mom has been here for me, cheering me on.

I got a book by Cynthia Tobias called "You Can't Make Me (but I can be persuaded)". She is a Christian author and, I believe counselor. Now, I HATE self help books, as they seem to talk down to you. But, this is more like she's in the room talking with you.

She says SWCs should not be allowed to get away with being bad (ie disobedience) but should be given options. They need to feel as if they are at least partly in control.

I will suggest very much that your friend check out the book. I haven't finished it - I read some and then need time to mull over what I've read. But what I've read so far has really helped me with my SWC and our relationship is MUCH better because of it. I've gone from not liking her to enjoying being with her.

If you have questions, let me know. I'll try to answer them as best as I can. I know how frustrating a SWC can be. Let me know if you or she have questions, k?

I personally believe that most children are being born with strong wills. I think that they have to be to make it in this crazy world. I have a son that is very strong willed. I was a strong willed child and am a strong willed adult. We have had many days where we but heads all day long, so I feel your friends pain. And, yeah, most days I dont enjoy being a mom for most of the time, but there are moments...when my children come up and lay next to me on the couch and hug me that I feel like the other stuff is worth it, so tell your friend to look for the small moments of joy and concentrate on them. As for the discipline, I can tell you only what has worked some for me. My son throws terrible temper tantrums when he doesnt get his way, or at least he did. I had to learn to deal with it this way: Take a deep breath (or a couple), and when you are calmer, say in a quiet voice so that they have to quiet down to listen that this behavior is not allowed but that if he wants to continue it he can go to his room and shut his door. Then if he CHOOSES (because the behavior is very much a choice and an attention getter) to continue I calmly put him in his room and shut the door. Now being calm is much easier said than done and there were many times I lost my temper too. When I put him in his room, I told him that he was welcome to come back out when he was done acting that way. His response usually was to kick and scream, kick his door and try to force his way back out. But I stood there holding his door shut, sometimes for half an hour or more. But when he finally realized that he wasnt going to get anywhere with that behavior he would stop, calm down, and I would let him out, hug him, let him know that I love him no matter what, and we talk about more appropriate behavior. It took several times doing this but his temper tantrums have all but stopped. He is learning to use his words and control his temper. On the other hand, if he just wont calm down, I tip him into a cold shower, clothes and all until he calms down. That worked sometimes too. Now I just say would you like a cold shower and he changes his behavior. I hope this helps. I am not a child rearing expert, and I am sure that others will not like my ideas. But it worked for me, so I am not worried about others. Tell your friend to keep her chin up, that she is not the only one struggling, and that it will get better. Focus on the good things, and dont feel bad if she NEEDS to make time for herself. I am a much better mom when I meet my own needs as well as the needs of my children! Good luck!

I have two strong willed children - daughter who is 1 and son who is 4. The key to getting good behavior out of them is consistency. I notice that when I slack off on enforcing things that they get worse because they think they can get away with things. For your friend, she might want to back off on the rules to just a few crucial things, then write down what those are and what the consequences are for breaking them. Then communicate with her son what those are (at a time when he's being good). I did something like this with my son a while ago and it really helped. I told him "I haven't been as good a mom as I want to be. So I wrote down the rules we have to follow and what happens when we don't so that we will both know how to behave." Then I went over the rules with him. Your friend could use drawings to represent the rules so he'd have something to look at. Having only a few things (to start with) made it easier for me to be consistent. And when you are consistent, they know what to expect.
Also, my son was in preschool this past year and I would talk with his teachers every month or so to see especially what they thought he needed to work on (and get their suggestions for how to work on it). They are a great resource because they will be interacting with him on a regular basis and with years of experience they can offer good insights.
Strong willed children need strong willed and loving parents to help them learn how to behave in the world. Raising them is one of the hardest things I've done, but when they behave and are good it is worth the effort it takes. Good luck to your friend.

Well, I guess one of the first questions would be how old is her son? The second thing I would say is that doing nothing but screaming when angry is not just being strong willed. That's an indicator of something more. Whether some stronger parenting or something else with the child, it would take a lot more information to determine. I am a therapist that works with kids and I see this quite a bit. It can be numerous different things causing the problem. I would suggest she find a good child's therapist to do an evaluation.

It may sound cliche but the experts are right. I fought against for years on the advice of ignoring a childs negative behavior(I was raised old school) -as long as the child isnt hurting themselves or others. Catch them being good and comment on how well everyone likes it or how grownup they are. When they are screaming ,quietly remove them and get down on their level and tell them its not nice to do that(or whatever) and they will have to be in timeout until they can behave(this is a repetitive process).Dont argue with them and dont get in a conversation with them. Be consistent always.Children are the smartest beings ever.Take time out for yourself as long as the child is in a safe place if needed. Patience and consistency are the key factors. I have an autistic child that this works with. I also now use this on my teen children who went through many rough battles using other discipline and we still have our moments,but, it has greatly improved their behavior and our relationship.Im not saying the first time you do this it will magically make evverything better.It takes time for you and your child to adjust to something new. Everytime you do it, it will get easier. i wish you the best.

Hi V.,

First, sorry about your last experience with Mamasource. Being strong willed can be a blessing or a curse. This poor mom sounds exasperated. My favorite child-rearing book is Kids are Worth It by Barbara Coloroso. While it does not directly deal with strong wills per se, the advice is sound. Sometimes things get worse before they get better -- he's smart enough to know he's being disciplined/thwarted, whatever. Tell her to hang in there. At this point, she needs consequences that are relevant to him. She needs to get going so the preschool can work with her and so he's not labeled. I love this book! Maybe, if you can afford to, you could give her a nice gift basket with this book some wonderful bath stuff so she can relax and read.

Hope this helps!
L.

I have a strong willed child. She is headed to being 8 and doing a lot better in the past year or two. Somewhere they learn to have gotten their way with fits, so if she stands firm and never waivers on the consquences that will help.

I can say that strong willed kids thrive on structure, routine and predictablity. Have her set up a routine, the same meal times, same bed times, keeping them busy and rewarding positive behavior.
When he is calm to have her talk to him about his behavior and address a better way to handle it next time.

Give him choices on things that are non issues, like what clothes to wear, help brushing his own teeth, picking a healthy snack so he feels he has control.

Put up a chart, I am a HUGE advocate for them especially boys. I watch boys here and visuals help them a bunch.
If he likes a specific activity have him earn it, if he likes a certain toy and has been wanting it, have him earn it. So when she can see him about to be on the verge she can show him the chart and ask if he wants a frown or smiley that day.
Seeing his progress himself daily on a chart helps a great deal.

A smiley for doing things nicely, very matter of fact when he pitches a fit, a frown. The best thing you can do when they are pitching huge fits, seperate them away from everyone and do not feed into giving him attention during these times. When he has calmed down reward him with a hug and kisses and thank yous for calming down, then go back to what happened and talk about it, reminding him he has control over his day.

Going into preschool will be an adjustment, but 98% of all kids act totally different for their parents then they do teachers. It will give him a sense of structure and routine as well as teach him to be around peers and work with a group setting. It will probably be a good thing.

I can say for my daughter being super consistent, no waivering, no empty threats (say what you mean and mean what you say), no matter where you are have the same consequences. My daughter has been put out in time out in stores, schools you name it. She has consequences no matter where we are. For strong willed kids time outs are useless unless for a calming down period for the fits. It is more productive to find what truly matters, whether it be time off bedtime, no TV, no movies, favorite toy taken away. For my daughter every infraction is 10 minutes off of bedtime (substantial infractions), it works for her as being up later then her little brother is a big thing for her. It will NOT happen overnight I have quickly learned. When she is complying with the rules I remind myself to stop and thank her and really play up how much I appreciate her being on her best behavior.

Structure, good sleep, healthy eating habits are crucial.

It took me two years to reel my daughter back in and get her to realize she makes or breaks her own days. I don't make her misbehave and she has control only over herself. That there will be consequences for breaking the rules. The charts worked wonders for my son that went through the terrible threes! :)

Remind her it will pass. It isn't so much strong will as age too, learning to express feelings of frustration and obtaining the logic to process better ways to handle it. If he is an only child and preschool age that can have a lot more to do with it then personality. Boys go through a big bump in behavior from 2 1/2 to 4 and then it does start leveling out and they learn to communicate more effectively.
Good luck to her and just tell her if it gets bad she is entitled to take the time out, walk away and breathe!!!!!!!!!

Strong-willed children love attention. That is the main reason that they go into such outbursts. This is a very hard subject since I don't have face to face contact, but I have watched Nanny 911 when she was dealing with this and she gives the children a time-out far away from everyone. The parents have a really hard time listening to the child scream but after the child has calmed down she can work with the positive reinforcement. Gradually she teaches the child to channel all the anger and frustration is a more positive way. Kids love hands on things. She sometimes lets them put stickers on a board. I think in this case it would probably be better to praise the positive. Maybe she could give him a certain activity to do when he gets angry. My son used to get so angry when he was younger that he would scream and hold his breath and pass out. I would just ignore it and he didn't get the attention that he wanted and so it didn't last for long. The preschool activities will help also. We get strong willed children on the bus and at the first of the year they are a handful and by the end they have calmed down.

I read your first question but I forget how old the son is. Maybe he's having too much life for him to handle. Does he still nap? Maybe even a quiet time (my neighbor does that-her son has to lay down & have quiet time "because Mommy needs to rest"-emphasis on Mom, not him) if he doesn't like to nap.
There was another mom that suggested testing for Aspergers/autism-I remember reading somewhere that boys are more likely to have it than girls. It would either rule out both or give them something to work with-if it's either, they can read up on it & find coping strategies.
We've got 3 books from Scholastic that deal w/anger-I got them when my son was in preschool & they were easy to read with him. We talked about the books & how the girl in one book was soo very angry but she didn't hurt anybody, she just stayed away from everyone until she was calm again (she ran & ran & ran & climbed a tree-I don't suggest those for a little kid though lol).
If he's physical, maybe a kid-sized punching bag (or those vinyl punching bags for kids-they were always clowns when I was little-with the sand in the bottom for weight so it bounces back up).
Since he's a screamer, what about going out & getting a fat throw pillow in bright colors just for him? It can be his screaming pillow. He can scream all he wants into the pillow, or whack it if need be, until he's calm again.
We have a step. The bottom step is our "time out" step & when the boys need to, they have to sit on the step. If they're too out-of-control for the step, they have to sit on their bed til they're calm. They decide when they're able to get up. If they come downstairs whining or yelling, they go back up to calm down again.
It sounds like he's really frustrated rather than angry. The neighbor boy is 3 & the youngest by far of the brothers (12, 10, 3). He can't hang w/his older brothers in a lot of things & can't go out of the yard, can't manipulate small toys like they can... he gets very frustrated & can't get the words out. It's actually very funny (only on the inside do I laugh because it's very serious to him) to hear him tell his mom "Mine bery fustated" She's trying to help him learn the difference between frustration (can't do it, don't want to do it) & anger. She breathes with him-big breath in through the nose, out through the mouth. Sometimes it takes him several breaths just to vocalize his problem.
If money doesn't prohibit it, I would suggest a few therapist visits. Parents will learn coping strategies they haven't thought of & Lil Man will learn that it's okay to be mad or frustrated but not okay to freak out each time about it. Our son has a LD & gets very frustrated by it. Therapy-we played the "feelings game" a lot there-showed him that he needs to find different ways to deal with his anger & frustration.
I'm going to use the one that one mom suggested-you go sit in your room because I'm angry & need time to calm down. Thanks!
Good luck to your friend. If all else fails, have her leave him w/a stronger-willed adult so she can take a break now & then. A movie, a bath, a few chapters in a book... sounds like she needs some Mommy time!