Strangers Complimenting One Child

I only read the first 2 reponses and I agree totaly with Dana J. Her advise seems very sound. And Liz M. is right on the money as to how I feel you should handle it. Thank them and- like she said add in that you're lucky to have two beauiful, wonderful, etc children.

I also have two girls and as one began puberty and became a quite beautiful teen, strangers and friends would comment on how beautiful she was and often in front of my younger daughter. My response was always, "thank you, yes, I am so lucky to have two beautiful girls". I didn't put emphasis on the word "two", b/c I didn't want it to seem like I was correcting them. Usually they would then say something nice that incorporated both girls, some more artfully than others! L.

This happened to us during one period of our lives and no matter how I explained it to my incredibley smart older child, it just hurt. Finally I asked her if socks were cute... what about baby socks. From then on we referred to her little sister as baby socks, they are only cute because of the size! It helped so much. It made us both laugh...It also helped that she knew that it made her very unemotional grandma furious. Grandma insisted on that the entire world was stupid if they didnt' see how gorgeous the older one was. Of course then we would laugh and say, stupid person likes baby socks. Not that nice but it made me furious when people did this and it hurt my first born so much.

Hi L.
I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, it would definitely be great IF when someone paid a compliment, they did it to both the kids, after all, you love them both equally and dearly. Another part of me says, well, it's not a stranger's responsibility to ensure someone else has self-esteem nor is it that person's responsibility to instill that into your child. What matters most is you NOT dwell on it and allow your daughter to see that it makes you feel uncomfortable, by your being uncomfortable about it, it does send a message to her that one, you recognize she was not complimented and by virtue of that, compliments or NOT from strangers matter and two, I don't necessarily think it's a good idea to call a stranger who didn't compliment one of your kids rude. On the one hand sounds like you are trying to teach your kids that compliments don't matter, but on the other , apparently they do, since you called the stranger rude..
I would just blow it off.. What happens at home is what counts and as long as you are loving your kids and praising them, your daughter should be just fine. Also, it's a good life lesson.. life isn't fair.. there are those families who have one kid who is good at sports and another that isn't.. One who gets As and another child doesn't. To some, your younger child might be prettier, but rather than trying to change a stranger's behavior, consider the source.. Think about your childhood, did what a stranger say matter more than what your mom, dad or guardian thought... probably not.

My friend actually sent me your post cause I complain about it all the time. People will seriously gush for 3 to 5 minutes over my daughter...to the point I get creeped out. I just say she gets her good looks from her big brother. Then it sort of "wakes them up" to the fact that they are alienating one of them.
I COMPLETELY disagree with the person who implied that is doesn't bother her other child cause they give her attention at home. It hurts everyone's feelings when things like that happen (if it happen to me it would hurt my feelings)...my son never says anything either but you can always tell he feels left out. I wish I had great advice but I don't. It one of those things that sucks (for lack of a better word) but I hope that I can parent in way that makes my son stronger for it.
Best of luck!

The world is not fair, we all know that. Self esteem begins at home. Teaching kids, early, that outward beauty is only skin deep is one of the hardest lessons we have to teach as parents.
Teaching your older daughter that she should be just as proud as you are when her sister gets a compliment would be the way to go. After all she is the big sister and is partially responsible for the way her sister acts and looks because she's helping train her up.
I agree that you shouldnt make a big deal of it so that the oldest daughter doesn't feel left out. Best response in public when the younger is complimented is to just wrap your arm around your older one and respond "Why thank you, I'm blessed to have TWO beautiful daughters." And just leave it at that.

"Thank you. BOTH of my daughters are beautiful to me!"

(I also like the baby socks analogy)

my girls are almost the same age, and my older daughter is very sensitive as well. when we are out and people begin to gush over the younger girl (oh my goodness, look at how cute she is) i respond with "yes, just like her sissy. i am so lucky to have 2 beautiful girls." or something to that effect. the older girl then does get some attention and people often then notice that she has some incredible features that the younger one doesn't. and yes, we have had the talk about people paying attention to the little kids more than the big kids and that it can be frustrating and can hurt our feelings. if that happens it is ok to tell me and get a hug and a reminder that i think she is beautiful.
S.

The answer? "OH YES! BOTH my daughters are beautiful! And you should see my Anna (older daughter) dance (draw, sing, tell a joke,etc.)!" Give them BOTH a big hug and beam at the person. Your daughter wants to be included, so include her. Hopefully it will spur the other adult into a kind comment but it will also show your daughter how proud you are of HER.

I experience that as well. I have a ten year old son, a three year old daughter, a 19 month old daughter, and a 2 month old son. So it happens often. And when some one compliments one child and doesnt seem as though they are going to compliment the other, I do. For instance some one will say oh the baby is so cute how old, and I will say oh he is two months, and this is my 3 year old cutie and my handsome big boy etc, depending on which of the kids that I have with me. However I will always find a way to bring them in the conversation & compliment them. The kids love it and the other person most always goes along with it. It takes all of three minutes and none of the kids get left out or experience hurt feelings.

Dear L.,
Fortunately my kids are 10 years apart, a girl and a boy. It didn't bother my daughter when people commented on what a doll baby my son was because she thought he was the cutest baby in the world. And she was fully aware that for the first 10 years of her life she was the one always getting complimented....she was the only kid. My daughter was a beautiful child and if someone complimented her on what a pretty outfit she had on, I never would have thought of saying "my son is wearing a nice outfit too."
I taught my kids that EVERYBODY IS BEAUTIFUL in their own way. Remarks from a stranger just making small talk should not affect what we know to be true about ourselves.
I think we have to be careful trying to make everything so fair and equal sometimes. Our children are individual and different human beings. That in itself makes us special. Those are things hopefully, we can learn from our parents. My confidence was completely self-taught. I have a sister 3 years younger than me. I wasn't allowed one single compliment, I wasn't allowed to earn anything or be given anything that my little sister couldn't have as well. If I earned something at school because of my good grades, my mom would give my sister exactly the same thing. If I was invited to a birthday party, my mom thought it wasn't fair that my little sister couldn't go. If I got to go on a school field trip, my mom would volunteer to chaperone and take my little sister out of school because it wouldn't be fair for me to get to do something my sister didn't. My sister got presents on my birthday because it wouldn't be fair if she didn't. (I didn't get presents on my sister's birthday). And, if someone gave me a jewelry box, my mom would go out and buy my sister one. I had to wait until I was 10 to get my ears pierced. 10 long years I waited and it was there, it was my birthday present and I got to go to a real jewelry store and pick out my earrings. My mom let my sister get her ears done the same day because it wouldn't have been fair to her. My sister wasn't even 7 yet. I got perfect grades, I was sent to a special school for gifted children, my manners were impeccable, and God forbid if someone told my mom what a nice young lady I was and didn't include my sister.
I got a trophy one time. I knew my mom wasn't proud of me. I knew all she thought was that it wasn't fair my sister didn't get one. I took all the change out of my piggy bank and rode my bike up to a trophy shop and bought my sister one myself. They engraved it for me and it said, "To the best little sister I know."
It was so engrained in me that I couldn't have, win, earn or deserve anything if my sister couldn't have it too.
Strangers didn't do that to me. My mother did.
Growing up in this world isn't easy and we have to find our own places in it. When your oldest daughter is at school and someone compliments someone else's shoes, will she automatically assume it means her shoes are ugly if they don't compliment her too? Unless they are out and out calling her ugly to her face, it doesn't matter what other people think and it should never be a compliment competition between sisters.
I was pretty young when I was introduced to Shakespeare at school and it was like a blessing from above really.
"To Thine Own Self Be True."
Build your oldest daughter up and don't worry so much about making things "fair". It could backfire.

Best wishes!

At the moment when this is happening, the idea of simply making a remark such as "yes, we are so blessed with two beautiful daughters." will bring attention to the older one. You can work on the idea that beauty isn't the most important thing with them at other times. The main thing at the moment of the comments is to be sure both girls are recognized by you. It really doesn't matter what that much what the strangers think, as long as your oldest knows you are not being partial.

Hi L.,

This is very common, I think at least. It is common in my boys. This is my experience--

I have 2 step son's they both have different Mothers so they look very different. My husband is Vietnamese and Irish. The older one Nate is more tanned and darker & dark eyes his mother is Mexican/Native American. My younger step son Anthony (that we have partial custody) is Italian & Mexican from his Mom. I have a little boy Ryan and I’m Mexican and Puerto Rican. I'm sure I will go through this with my Son as well. Both my step son's are cute but Anthony is gorgeous. He has Asian shaped green eyes and I think his personality is what does it for people. He has sooooo much Charisma and people just gush over him. Random people will stop us and tell me my son should model (they think he is biologically mine :), they buy him things and he gets A LOT of attention. People will take him up on stage at events and be gets behind scenes..

The down fall... Anthony KNOWS he gets extra attention. He is constantly throwing it in Nathaniel's face about people gushing over him. He always wants to be in the spot light and when he isn't he just isn't happy. When my Son- Ryan was born people gushed over him and Anthony had a hard time. Ryan is equally gorgeous and when Anthony tries to say he is better I simply point out the great aspects of each boy (& I don’t mean just looks wise) and how they are special. I want him to know I think he is special as well HOWEVER its not ok to put someone down to make ourselves feel good. So when someone stops to gush over Ryan and don’t pay any attention to Anthony I just say, ‘yes Ryan is beautiful he looks just like his older brother Anthony”. Or when they say what cute dimples my baby has (which Anthony doesn’t have) I will say, “Ryan has a great smile he got it from his Daddy & Anthony got his pretty green eyes!” Then Anthony always feels included. Unfortunately our world has helped make Anthony very into looks and that’s something we are working on! But it does happen and there is a way to make your Daughter know she is just as special! Good luck ;)

Hi L.,
I was your older daughter my whole life and still continue to be. I am not a sensative person so it didn't effect me that way. What it did do was cause me to rely on my personality. I am not ugly or anything but we are just different. My Moms response was always, "yes, both my daughters are beautiful." This would usually get a "Oh yes they are" type response.
In highschool I contstantly heard "hook me up whith your sister." "your sister is so hot." I can not disagree with them and as I got older I came into my own hotness. I am sure your oldest will too. I think my moms comment subtely included me and made me feel good. I think the strangers don't realize how that can effect a child but when they see your oldest will think she is equally as beautiful. After all they do come from the same genes.

I have not had your experience at all, but I could imagine saying something to the stranger like "thank you - when she grows up to be her age (referring to older daughter) I bet she'll be just as beautiful as her big sister - and hopefully as kind" (or artistic - or whatever - to show that looks aren't the only thing to be complimented on.

Good luck.

People can be so insensitive! If you don't think it will hurt the little one's feelings, you might want to say to the stranger "Yeah, she's a beauty, but here's the brains of the operation," as you gesture proudly toward your older daughter. Otherwise, I think you have handled it about as well as it can be handled.

I think telling her that it's because little kids are cuter is a good idea.

Meanwhile, the things YOU tell her are the most important. If you always tell her she's beautiful (this could mean her personality and spirit), that's what she will take with her. Even if she's not the most beautiful girl in the world, I'm sure to you she is, so you will be telling her the truth.

Hi L.,

There were at least 2 other posters that indicated that it was not the responsibility of the complimentor to include all the children involved. I agree with this. You should not feel that both your children should always get the same things. They are not the same people. And, if your daughter wants to be noticed more, maybe you could teach her how to be more extraverted/outgoing.

When one of my daughters is complimented, and not the other, the other one steps out and smiles as if to say, do not forget me too. Now, we do not have this problem often because they are both beautiful in different ways. So, if one daughter gets it this time, the other one will get it the next time.

I do not want my children to grow up thinking that everything should always be equal and fair. It is not fair to them to trick them into believing that. They are coming to realize that they have to work for what they want, including compliments.

I also have a son, and he is the youngest. He is cute but he is rarely complimented for his dashing good looks. Instead, he works to be praised for his physical and academic abilities. (He sees how it works, and he is only 5).

Training children to have self esteem through defeat and failure will give them a stronger sense of self and success.

Your daughter should be proud of who she is, and so shoud you.

D.

How I wish I had the perfect solution for you because I was that child with the perfect sister. I am the younger sibling, but my sister was beautiful and a straight-A student. Top it off, as I got older all the guys I had a crush on had a crush on her. Even my father would call her his beautiful daughter and I was referred to as the ugly duckling because he says that I LATER bloomed into a swan. I can't tell you how much it hurt to always hear how beautiful she was and to just be ignored. To this day I still see myself as unattractive. I don't know what the solution is. I have a beautiful daughter and was so happy when my second child was a son, just so my second child wouldn't have to go through what I went through.

Hopefully your daughter will not have the pain I had because you see what she is experiencing and are wanting to help her. I think finding something she is good at and supporting her in that would make a difference. It might give her enough self esteem that she won't have that need to be complimented by others. I always had very low self esteem, and I think having something that was unique to me that I could be praised for would have made a world of difference. Good luck!

My daughter is beautiful, and everywhere we go people stop and compliment us on her, and then they look at the baby and are like "He's cute." I know that he is cute because when we take him out without Reese we get complimented a lot, but Reese just takes the cake. Try taking them out separately, and then maybe the older one will get complimented. Or, when someone compliments the younger daughter just say "Yes, both of my girls are beautiful."

I have 2 sons and my younger son has hazel eyes and has a light complexion and my other son has a dark complexion and dark brown eyes.People would always compliment my younger son how adorable he is and I would always shower them both with love and compliments about each individual strength. continue to dote on your daughter in ur private time and compliment her strengths and her beauty.

You've gotten a lot of great advice, but I just wanted to add that I think this is also one of those "sibling order" things. I have a son and two younger daughters. My son and his friends are a lot nicer to the youngest one, while they find the older one more "annoying." My older daughter has made comments like "oh everyone thinks Olivia is a perfect princess." The youngest child is always the "baby" and hopefully your older daughter, though she is sensitive, can build up enough self esteem so these comments don't bother her too much in the future.

I think it is that people gush over the younger ones. When my oldest was a baby, strangers would gush, she has blond curly hair and big blue eyes...she still does, but her little sister will still be fawned over a bit more. I agree with the poster who said it is more important how they are treated in the home- completly true! If it is appropriate, I might say something along the lines of how she has a fantastic big sister, but I say that all the time at home too!!