Stranger Anxiety Questions for 5 Month Old

A.,

Just a few questions to ask yourself. Do you usually go to someone elses house that is a friend or daycare provider? How often does she go to someone else's house? She may associate someone else's surroundings as not her own and that may be what is upsetting her or she is asscociating a strangers house with seperation anxiety. Babys experience that at about this age, sometimes. They are so much smarter than we thinkt they are. They are born with their own little personalities and she is brighter than you might think.... She may associate the new surroundings with your leaving. I hope that makes sense... Try leaving a blanket that she uses at home to cover her with or wrap her in that she can smell...Babies start with basic needs and responses. If I cry, they attend to me, whether its to change my diaper, to feed me, to lay me down, to coddle me....I count on these people and now I'm in a strange surrounding that doesn't smell the same, doesn't look the same. Also, watch for other things. How many daycare providers have you used? They can associate the strangers house with their needs not coming first, like they do at home...... they pick up on these things... Every baby goes through seperation anxiety and it's part of growing, but make sure she is not being left with someone who is not attending to her basic needs....I'm not assuming that she is at all and I'm a working momma too, so I know how hard it can be to find just the right daycare provider. Do remember that she has to share her day with many other little ones and she is not coming first in a daycare setting and that is half of it.. Try and leave her at the daycare provider without a whole lot of coddling and she will get used to this much quicker, than if you hang around trying to make her feel better. It sounds cruel, but it works. It takes a week or so....I'm sorry A., I know leaving your baby with a daycare provider can be very upsetting at times. If this continues, even after you have stopped hugging on her and coddling her during her anxiety moment, I would drop in on this daycare provider when she doesn't expect it, you as well as your husband... It wouldn't hurt... Just suggestions....Good luck... J.

Perhaps you culd have the new potential daycare provider come into your home a few times until your baby girl is used to her, then try going to her house. It may be the combination of new enviroment and new people all at once that is so frightening to her. If your sitter can visit at your home until your daughter feels like she is more of a friend, and is comfortable with her. You might need to pay the sitter for her time when she comes to your house but an investment that may turn out to be a good one.
Good luck in whatever you try that works! C.

My Daughter had this too, she always seemed to be a very good judge of character. I know it sounds funny but either she was picking up on something I was feeling or she was just creeped out by the same people. We never really went to other people's homes as I was a stay at home Mom until just last month and she will be 4 at the end of August. However, I always hated people coming up to us in the store telling me how cute she was, and they always did no matter where we went. She went through that somewhere close to that age and up to about a year old. At a year old they start to understand a little more, and you have developed a bond of trust with your child. I hate to say don't trust the sitter because your child didn't like them, but she will be with this person a lot of the day, I searched for a daycare/preschool for a whole year before finding one that my Daughter liked, and then we had to switch because she hated it after a month, the kids we being mean and she refused to go. She is at the YMCA now and loves it, I know some of them have infant programs, I honestly just can't trust just one person to watch my child, unless it is my Mom, and that isn't an option except on the weekend occasionally for some alone time with my Husband. Hope yo find someone, I know asking other people you know is a good way to find someone, I just don't live near any of my friends. I asked the Parents as Teachers lady for a sheet of preschools in the area, she was able to tell me which ones she had heard good things about and which ones she had heard weren't so great. If you aren't involved with Parents as Teachers I highly recommend it, the Teachers come to your home and tell you if you child is where they should be developmentally, I know stranger anxiety was in a few of the sheets they gave me, I just don't remember for what age group. www.parentsasteachers.org great program they come about once a month to your home ages birth to was 3 now it is 4 or 5, not sure, but they also have lots of activities every month at their center. Good luck hope I've helped at least a little.
M.

IF your daughter doesn't do that everytime you go into a stranger's house....then take heed. God has a way of warning us through our children....they sense things that we can't because they're soooooo pure. Keep looking & searching, the right one will come along. Good luck & God Bless!

A. -

My son also had stranger anxiety and still struggles with it to a certain extent and he is 9! The best you can do is be of comfort to her but allow her to work through it a bit on her own too...I know she is only 5 months old so that doesn't apply to the here and now...but definitely as she ages. My son is *very* attached to me and to my husband quite a bit. If I had to go through it again I would have tried to help him with coping strategies as it has made things a lot harder for him being so attached to us.
As for now, be of comfort to her but allow her to have others hold her and she will bond with them too. I am sure it is something she will work through...some babies just tend to have that be a phase even. It wasn't that way for us but I know that it is for some. My friend went through it with her baby. If you have parents as teachers in your area they can give you great suggestions too! We leaned on ours a lot with our son and his shyness/stranger anxiety!
I am currently a nanny for my sister in my home and have also cared for other little ones...we don't take it personal when they cry like that. Just make sure she isn't being held 24/7 at home as that will make her transition to daycare a little harder.
Just give her extra cuddles...she will get through it! :)

A.,
I don't know how long she has been attending her current daycare. But it occurrs to me that at her age it hasn't been long at all. One thing you mentioned about your search for childcare is that you want her to have only one or two regular caregivers. It suddenly dawned on me that your daughters stranger exiety is being exasperated by the fact that she hasn't had a stable feeling yet in her daytme environment. It makes sense that she would feel comfortable with strangers in her home because that's the one stable place she's had in her life with "her" stable people which are mom and dad.

It also occurs to me that you may be very fearful yourself about this situation. Children are a lot like dogs are in that they feel your energy. If you are fearful she will feel worse in her own anxiety. I don't know how to tell you to feel better about the situation. But I agree with the other poster that you need to relax and let others hold her and I feel you just need to bite the bullet and choose a stable place for your daughter to be and keep her there. Obviously, in your situation a nanny would be your daughters best bet IF you could afford it and IF you could find a very experienced one with a long term committment. But personally, I think that opens a pandoras box in terms of how hard it is to find someone you can trust, someone that wouldn't miss too much work and someone that really knows what they are doing.

Anyway, you will only feel a little better when you are sure your daughter is in good hands. So concentrate on finding the right person, get those references, actually call on them and make a choice. In a couple of weaks the new caregivers won't be strangers anymore.

References can be a funny thing. In 21 years I can't even count on one hand how many people have called any of them I gave out. Many people ask for the references but few take the time to call them. You need to find a way to help yourself feel better. Maybe you can do a background check on someone or ask them to take a drug test.

Suzi