Stillbirth Due to Placenta Abruption, Need Grieving Assistance

Updated on April 09, 2007
T.L. asks from South Saint Paul, MN
25 answers

My husband and I were expecting our second child on April
4th of this year. We have a two year old son as well. I was 37 weeks pregnant when I had our first son Dylan, so naturally my husband and I were preparing for an early delivery with this baby (obviously just preparing, as only God knows when a baby will enter this world). We had our diaper bag, hospital bag and our son's car seat in our car, ready to go, just in case. On Saturday March 3rd 2007, we went in for an emergency check up due to reduced movements from our baby, only to be told they could not find a heartbeat. I was expecting to be told I was a paranoid mother and sent home. Instead we had to decide when we would like to be induced, so we went home, by this time our families had been informed and there were lots of people waiting for us when we arrived. We discussed options, but it still felt unreal. I went into labor naturally that evening, which I am now glad, because I know I would add induction to the long list of 'guilt and should have's and could have's and wished I would have's', that could've saved my sweet baby. I was dialated to a 5 by the time we reached the hospital and by the time they were ready to give me an epidural (about 20 minutes after we had arrived) I was already 10 Cm's so I labored for 40 minutes and gave birth to our beautiful son at 35.5 weeks pregnant, with no pain medications (which I am now thankful for, so that I will always remember the day I brought him into the world) he weighed 4 lbs 11.5 oz. We nameed our Angel Taylor Jeffrey Gerald, from that time on, we've had to plan and attend our baby's funeral, and instead of struggling to fit him perfectly into our lives, we're struggling how to go about our lives without him in it. I am now on my planned three week maternity leave, and I am doing okay (which is a severe over statment), but I am in need of a parent, especially a mother to talk to, who has experienced the same thing. I am a licensed childcare provider and have planned to re-open the last Monday of this month and part of me dreads the idea of continuing to a do business knowing that my son was supposed to be a part of it. I am so confused, saddened, angered, and just lost without my son Taylor. I have many, many blessings in my life to be thankful for, but I had wanted my second son in so many ways to complete our family, and the possibility of having another child seems so far from reality it's not even funny. I can't quite explain my feelings. I am so torn up inside with grief that I am afraid I will not be able to carry on without my sweet, tiny baby.

If anyone else has experienced this adn would be willing and able to lend an ear, advice or to just shed some light in my direction in order to help me understand this grief. I am about to turn 23 on April 2nd, and I can't imagine celebrating anything from here on out that had been planned prior to the loss of our baby. It hurts to see an infant car seat. I feel like a basket case for wanting to cry in public. Life has taken such a terrible turn in the wrong direction and I just don't know how to cope with a loss of this magnitude. I've had my share of hurdles in my life, and have always been able to cope and come out on top. But I don't know how to get through this. I truly do not.

Thanks for listening to me, taking the time to read this, and allowing me to vent.

For those who do not know what Placenta Abruption is, it is when your Placenta Prematurely detatches from your uteran wall, thus cutting off the supply of nutrients and oxygen, it is typically detected due to severe abdominal cramping or pain and bleeding, but my placenta was located on the back of my uteran wall, they are typically located on the front. Being 35.5 weeks pregnant, and after being told that the baby was on my spine and that I would probably experience back labor, I associated the back pain that I had experienced with early labor symptoms, as the baby had began to push down. I bled, but due to the location of my placenta the baby held it in and I had no other indications anything was wrong. It happened so abruptly (which is what it is called abruption) that I am told there was nothing I could've done, but that is not how I feel. I constantly wonder if I over worked, was it the laundry baskets, carrying the daycare children, my own child? Did I not take the time I needed? Something I said? Did? I was offered help with my job, but never took it? I feel like my stupid pride and work ethic caused this.

Savannah,
Mommy to Dylan James Douglas, 2 yrs old
Mommy to Taylor Jeffrey Gerald, became and Angel on March 3rd 2007

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S.P.

answers from Milwaukee on

Savannah...I don't really have any advice to give you. I just want you to know you and your family are in my prayers. I can't even begin to imagine what a horrible experience this has been for you. Try not to blame yourself...you couldn't have done anything to prevent it!! Thinking of you!!!

Sandy

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K.K.

answers from Minneapolis on

First of all I am so sorry it really breaks my heart to read your story. I have a friend that last year had a still born. She has since then have joined a suppport group. E-mail me and I will get you the information if you want.
Take care,
K.
[email protected]____.com

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B.

answers from Minneapolis on

Dear Savannah:
We lost our first baby five years ago and it still hurts--she was born prematurely and only lived a couple of hours. What helped us was a goup of parents who met twice a month--no one else quite understood what it was like, but they did. It was led by a really caring nurse--Annette Klein. COntact info below is from the Childrens' Hospital newsletter (I am pretty sure it is open to all):
http://xpedio02.childrensmn.org/stellent/groups/public/@x...

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Group

"For those who have experienced a perinatal loss. Meets the 2nd and 4th Monday of each month on the St. Paul campus. To register call Annette Klein, ###-###-####."

I am so sorry for your loss. Be easy on yourself.
best,
B.

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J.B.

answers from Minneapolis on

Savannah,
I am so sorry for your lose. How difficult to be planning and celebrating the upcoming birth of your precious child, to then in another moment be planning for your child's funeral. It doesn't seem possible. On Jan 24, 2002, my son, Cole Wishart, came silently into the world at 32 1/2 weeks. We had been told at 18 1/2 weeks that he had a syndrome called Edward's or trisomy 18 and he would not live. I could not believe what they were telling me. How could this precious life growing inside of me just die? We kept hope, but after three days of no movement, I had to face the fact he was probably gone, which was confirmed by the silent ultrasound. I was induced and he was born that following day. There are many things that were said to me, some helpful, some really not. I was lost and thought I would never be found. I love children, but how could I care for another now that he was gone. I felt like I was a failure. I was his mom. I was suppose to make him better. I was suppose to know what to do. How could I go on without him? I was so fraustrated because so many people were like, you need to move on. How do I move on when a piece of me is missing? When I feel like my heart has been torn apart? How could they make my son's life not really exist? I had felt him. I had loved him. I had wanted him. He was my baby.

He turned 5 in heaven this Jan 19 days after his baby brother turned 2. You can never get over something like this, but you can keep going. You can come to the realization that what is best for the angel you lost is to enjoy life. Enjoy all those little ones that are there for you to care for. Through that I believe he will feel your love. He knows. He knows it all mom. And he knows that you will be with him one day again. When people say they are so sorry when they hear I lost a son, I say yes, I miss him and didn't want him to go, but if I can't care for him, who better else. And I will just wait my turn, but I will see him again.
I have a lot of my thoughts and feelings that I wrote out soon after he was born and if you would like me to share them, just e-mail me. My thoughts are with you and your family and I am sending a big hug your way. You will get through this mom, it just may take some time. It does get easier if you allow it to.
J.
[email protected]____.com

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J.N.

answers from Minneapolis on

Hi Savannah,
I just wanted to say that your letter touched me and I cried tears remembering when I had lost one of my twins at 4 months invitro. I was so sad and reading your letter reminded me of that. I think it's something you don't get over or forget amd that's hard but one day you'll stop thinking about it and then you'll read a letter like this one from someone and you will have these sad feelings again. I think it's OK, because that meant that you loved them.

I went on to have 2 more boys and now I have 4 and I love them all. Keep going and be the best mom you can be to your son. I think your son is lucky to have a mom so loving.

Cheer up OK, and remember every tear as a celebration and remembrance of your lost baby.

J. N

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S.L.

answers from Rochester on

Savannah,
My name is S.. I want you to know that God is with Taylor right now and my 1 month old daughter. And as i start to write this the tears start to flow. You see 9 years ago,I lost my 1 month old daughter.My firstborn. I just wanted to crumple up and die. We were told that 1/2 way through the preg that she had Juenes Syndrom a type os dwarfism where there really is very little lungs and could be sever abnormalties. We were crushed the doctor said we should really consider a abortion. I have never even agreed with abortion so it was out of the question. So he told us she whould be still born. I had a normal pregnancy because i was doing the breathing for her. Then the doctor said that he was going to induce me. So we went in and when she came out and she started crying.My husband and i didnt know what to do. She also had no abnormalties except for her lungs. WEll she was on oxagen and we took her home after 2weeks. She died 2 weeks later, One the day she would have been born. Your pain is never going to go away completly and you are going to have bad days alot of bad days but eventually the bad days will get better and the pain will lessen. But never hold your tears in, That is the worse thing you can do. I know have a healthy 6 year old daughter and a 21 month old son. But it took all i had to decide to have kids again and please give yourself and your family alot of greiving time. If you need to talk and cry just let me know and i can be there. S.

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P.K.

answers from Minneapolis on

Oh my...I cried when I read your request. I'm so sorry for your loss. I too lost a baby, but early on as a result of an ectopic pregnancy. We terminated the pregnancy and it hurts me to think about it, even 2 years later. I can't even imagine what you're going through. I think about people who lose their children and wonder how they make it. You will be ok and I admire your strength. I think you're doing the right thing by seeking others that have had this happen. They will understand better than anyone and they will help you cope and understand your feelings. If nothing else, they will show you that there is hope...they went through it and they are ok...you will be too. I found some people just made me feel guilty and angry, not on purpose, but they would ask me things like, "Why couldn't they save it?", "Why did this happen?", "What's an ectopic Pregnancy?". Even though they were trying to be comforting, it wasn't. I just hated to re-hash everything, since it seemed like I was re-explaining myself over and over and over again. I got so sick of talking about it with people who obviously had no clue what I was going through...and when it came to those people, I just wanted to sit in a dark room and cry by myself rather than talk to them. The people that helped me most were people that had the same thing happen to them. I pray that you find someone that can help you get through this.

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M.T.

answers from Eau Claire on

I have a freind on myspace that losed a baby 5months ago and my sister lose 5 babys and they let balloons go and lite a candle. Here is a list that was put on this site that I go to.

* Have someone who is a friend or family member stay at the house at least for the first couple of weeks (maybe on a rotation basis).

* If there are other children, help take care of them, take them out with you for a few hours, etc.

* If there are pets, take them for walks, take care of feeding them, etc.

* Cook meals or bring prepared meals by the house. Bring extra meals so they can be frozen for later consumption.

* Clean the house, mow the lawn, etc.

* Offer to go grocery shopping.

* Grief will make you lose your appetite so make sure that mom is eating as much as she can.

* Help draft up an email to family and friends to announce the loss of the baby.

* Help her pick out birth/death announcement cards to send out to close family and friends.

* Help her write out the obituary.

* Keep track of those who send flowers and gifts.

* Offer to buy thank you cards and help her write them out.

* Help her pick out an urn or burial plot.

* Help her pick out music for the funeral.

* If the parents wish to write a letter to their child, offer to read it for them at the funeral.

* Help her take down the nursery (don't pressure her to do this immediately, just when she's ready).

* Help her pick out a special jewelry item (ie, necklace) to memorialize her baby.

* If applicable, help her file for Short Term disability at her work (This benefit guarantees that you will not lose your job while you recover from the birth of your child and covers a portion of your salary. Coverage usually begins after 1 year of service and pays 60% of an individual's weekly wages up to a maximum benefit payment of $7,500 per month. Six weeks is the standard number of weeks that you can take for a pregnancy but you may be able to take additional time off if you use vacation time).

* Help her obtain the hospital records (for future pregnancies). Note that if the baby lived for any amount of time, you may be required to show a birth and/or death certificate. Check with the hospital for their requirements.

* If the child lived for any amount of time, help her obtain the death certificate and Social Security card. Death certificates can be obtained at the vital records office in the county where the baby died.

* Assist with filing for life insurance (if the parents had a policy and the baby lived for any amount of time). You will need a copy of the death certificate.

* Help arrange for hotel accomodations for family and friends coming out of town.

* Offer to pick up family and friends from the airport.

* Help her unsubscribe to baby-related magazines, mail, or phone calls that she may receive by writing to:

Mailing Preference Service
PO Box 9008
Farmingdale, NY 11735

For telephone solicitation removal:

Mailing Preference Service- Phone Preference
PO Box 9014
Farmingdale, NY 11735

* Accompany her to the post-op OB/GYN appointments for support (she may wish to wait in the car until the doctor is ready to see her since seeing pregnant women or infants can be upsetting).

* Offer to refill any prescriptions for her at the pharmacy.

* Help her keep track of when she has taken her medications and make sure that she is taking them.

* Help her find a grief counselor in her area if she thinks that she needs one.

* Help her find an online support group if she thinks that she needs one.

* Help the couple make sure that their financial obligations (ie, mortgage, utilities, etc.) are still being met.

* Don't forget to also offer support to the father (they are usually forgotten since everyone focuses on the mother.)

Hope this helps a little bit.

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A.C.

answers from Minneapolis on

WOW, I've not cried this hard lately. I am so sorry about your loss. My mother had a baby girl who died of sids at 1 month old. She said it's the worst thing to have to outlive your tiny baby. All I can say is take it one day at a time. Dylan needs you to remain strong for him. If you want to talk e-mail me when ever. I may not be much help, but I'm a good listener. I wish you the best, good luck and God Bless you. :(

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P.

answers from Minneapolis on

Savannah-

First let me say I am so very sorry for your loss! My heart aches for you.

I have had 4 early miscarriages but I can't imagine the pain of getting that far in a pregnancy and then losing the baby. I am enclosing websites to two possible support sources for you. I hope they help at least a little.

http://www.missinggrace.com/UpcomingEvents.html

http://xpedio02.childrensmn.org/stellent/groups/public/@x...

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T.O.

answers from Minneapolis on

I am soooo sorry 4 Ur loss! I had lost my lil girl when I was 6-Months pregnant & my doctor at the time, had it was nothing I could have done. It was something that sometimes happens & we don't understand why it happens. It tore me up on the inside & I prtended that I wasn't a basket case about my loss BUT I was & till this day, I am STILL thinking about h ow she would have look & acted & grew up to be or would she had my grandkids when she got older & ready. This April she would have been 15 Years Old this April 12th. But I will always keep her in my heart forever so I will pray that it gets easier for your family & GOD heals your wounded heart & keep your son love in your heart forever. My prayers go out to you & your family at this time of you all loss.

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S.D.

answers from Minneapolis on

Savannah,
I was is tears reading your story, it is too familiar. We have lost 3 babies, 1 due to miscarriage, 2 born prematurely - 1 was born early due to placenta previa. We also have 3 living children - 17 yo, 5 1/2 yo, 3 1/2 yo - all born early. I am also a daycare provider, so I can understand how hard it is opening up your home to other people's kids again - with out your baby. Know that everything you are feeling/thinking is normal and that things will get better. Please email me if you want to chat.
S.
[email protected]____.com

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J.O.

answers from Minneapolis on

Sweetheart, I am so sorry. Words cannot express how truly sorry I am.

On September 12th, 2004 I lost a baby too. It was the saddest day of my life. I was just about 20 weeks, but I had to go through the whole labor part too. My son was only 10 months old than, so I was still getting used to him. It was awful. I still cry about it to this day, and it's almost been three years. I can only imagine what it must be like for you, losing your precious Taylor so close to the time he was to be home with you.

There are so many things people told me that just didn't help. "You can try again" "There must have been something wrong" "It's for the best" "You can always have another." I hated those people for telling me those things. I was very angry for a very long time. Slowly I began to realize that they were just trying to comfort me, but it didn't work. Like you, I questioned everything I had done during the pregnancy... and it's really true that there is nothing that could have been done to prevent it.

Losing my baby crushed me. I was so upset and I couldn't really put my finger on why I was so upset. It was really rough on my husband too. He had a loss, and he had no idea how to comfort me, or take care of me in my time of need. It got so bad that we split up. We were apart for about a year, when we both decided to get counseling. It was than that we realized that it was because of our mutual loss that neither one of us could deal with. I'm still working through my issues surrounding the loss of my baby. I know that I will never get over it. I just had another baby almost 8 weeks ago, and every day I wonder what it would be like if we had our angel with us.

Take your time. Read all you can. There are some really good loss support groups. And, remember, you didn't do anything wrong. Your sons love you very much! Take time to heal. Be patient with yourself. Whatever it is that you are feeling, remember that your feelings are OK. It took me a long time to learn that!

Hugs to you. If you need to vent, please feel free. I'm a good listener, and I know it helps.

~J.

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M.S.

answers from St. Cloud on

I am so sorry! I have not experinced this, but it sounds like there is alot of good advice already for you. I hope this helps. I am also a daycare provider and i believe the families would understand if you wanted to close for longer than your intended leave.
Take care of yourself and your family. I would suggest counseling.

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B.H.

answers from Minneapolis on

I am so sorry to hear your loss.

Medical mysteries are so hard to deal with. The why me why us? I had 5 miscarriages before I concieved my daughter. And I'm young. I went in for a early ultrasound around 10 weeks or so because I had so many miscarriages in the past and they could not find my daughter's heart beat. I was told to go home and wait to miscarry. When I didn't miscarry I started to freak out and was a nervous wreck went in two weeks later to a whole new doctor where they found my daughter's heart beat. The new doctor thought I was nuts, he kept saying who said you were to miscarry? I was like I went to 2 obgyn's who both couldn't find a heartbeat. I have no idea what really happened it's a strange story. I was in shock I was still pregnant and ended up having a pregnancy from hell but now I just concentrate on my ONE child. I thank God everyday for my daughter. I will probaly never have more children and I keep telling myself not to dwell on miscarriages (although it's hard) and I'm just thankful that I was given a a change to be a mother. I may not be a mother to multiple children and have my dreams and wishes of having many kids come true but I am a mother to atleast one. What I'm trying to say I know this so so so hard for you but try and concentrate and put your energy into your little boy that is here now. Your angel baby is in a better place full of peace and harmony. God Bless You and your family !

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K.R.

answers from Minneapolis on

Savannah, I am so sorry to hear about what you've been through. There is nothing worse than to lose a child, even one who hadn't yet been born when you lost him. Don't ever feel like you ought to be over it by now or like your grief is more than it should be. There are organizations devoted to helping parents cope with this kind of loss, and I suggest you find one. Talk about your little angel, and don't let anyone tell you to move on faster than you're ready to. Someday things will look better, but it will happen in time. My heart goes out to you and your family, and I hope you can heal and someday be happy again.

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N.B.

answers from Minneapolis on

I just want to say that I am very sorry for your loss. My mother went through the same thing. I personally have not, but I watched what she went through and I know it's not easy. You seem to be very strong. I wish you the best of luck.

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L.N.

answers from Sheboygan on

Savannah,

I don't have any advise for you. I just wanted to let you and your family know I am so sorry for your loss and that you are all in my prayers. I went to my church and lit a candle for your little angel Taylor Jeffrey.

L.

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J.

answers from Minneapolis on

We had a guest speaker that came to speak to our MOPS group and she is the founder of Missing Grace. The website address is www.missinggrace.com

I hope this helps. I am so sorry for your loss.

-J.

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B.L.

answers from Minneapolis on

I belong to a mothering support forum (www.momsovermiles.net) that has many people that have gone through many situations.

If your interested I can also ask some of the girls for other resources.

I've too been through few losses but early on. I can only imagine your heart break!

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G.S.

answers from Minneapolis on

Savannah,

I am very sorry to hear about your loss. I know there's not anything anyone can do or say to make this easier. I have also lost a baby I was 27 weeks pregant. But mine was do to thining of the cord and a small blood clot got stuck were the thining was. It took them 4 or 5 days in the hospital to induce me. It was horible. That was 10 years ago. I was only 17 at the time and it totally turned my life up side down. But I finished high school, went to college and now have two beautiful health daughters and a son that is my angel. I was a nervious wreck while I was pregant with my daughters but everything turned out great. I still have a hard time talking to people about my loss but I love to look at the pictures I took on day he bacame an angel. If there is anything I can help get threw this hard time let me know. my e-mail is [email protected]____.com.

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C.M.

answers from Janesville-Beloit on

I don't have much to offer as far as adivce, but I just finished a book called "90 minutes in heaven" by Don Piper. It's a enlightening story about his journey to heaven and back. I am so sorry for your loss and I can't imagine the pain you are going through. I wish you all the best in your struggle.

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J.R.

answers from Minneapolis on

I'm so sorry about your loss. I wish I had more advice for you. A couple of years ago I suffered a miscarriage and found a lot of support through the ivillage messageboards. I know it sounds strange but when you go on there you are 'talking' with lots of other Moms that are going through what you are going through - right now. You can share feelings and stories and ways to remember and celebrate your child. It was wonderful for me to realize mostly that I wasn't alone and that I would get through it with time. Here are a couple of links to one about stillbirth and one about moving on after stillbirth. On the right side of these screens there should be dropdown lists for more boards if need be.

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-ppstillborn
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-ppresolution

Best Wishes,
J.

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S.B.

answers from Wausau on

I am so very sorry for your loss. I know that nothing I say or do at this point will help with the pain that you and your entire family are feeling. Please know that if you need me I am here for you and you can contact me directly.

I would like to point you to the National Share Network They specialize in pregnancy and infant loss. This is a support group that I really think helps families at a time like this.
They can be reached at http://nationalshareoffice.com/ or Phone: 1 (800) 821-6819 or ###-###-####
Fax: ###-###-####
Email: [email protected]____.com

Blessings To you
S. Blevons - CD (DONA), CLD (CAPPA)
Fond Du Lac Co. WI.
www.lhdoula-service.com.



~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The beauty of my body is not measured by the size of the clothes it can fit into, but by the stories that it tells. I have a belly and hips that say, "We grew a child in here," and breasts that say, "We nourished life." My hands, with bitten nails and a writer's callus, say, "We create amazing things."
-Sarah, from I am Beautiful: A Celebration of Women in Their Own Words
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

L.G.

answers from La Crosse on

Hi Savannah, my heart aches for you as you grieve the loss of your precious Taylor. My baby girl was stillborn at 37 weeks, it will be 18 years ago next week. I remember feeling all the things you described. The road to healing can be long, so give yourself lots of grace right now. I am back on that road again right now, having lost my father, an uncle, an aunt and a nephew, all in the past 6 weeks. I am more than willing to talk with you and help in any way I can. Feel free to message me at any time. You will be in my prayers.

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