My dd has a girl at school who keeps accusing her of stealing from the snack cart in the cafeteria. My dd has an account which I put money in and the cafeteria charges the account when she gets something from the snack cart. The accusing girl doesn't see money change hands so she automatically assumes my dd "stole" the food. This girl always brings her lunch so probably doesn't have an account. My dd told her she had an account and the accusing girl even told the cafeteria lady who also told her my dd had an account but she won't believe either one of them.
Today, I was volunteering at the school and the accusing girl said to me "Some parents think their kids are nice, but they aren't".
I just said "Oh", and went on my way (I think she was talking about my dd, but I figured I should let it go).
Any suggestions?
The accusing girl's parents are from another culture and country and can be a little difficult, just from observation. When the other mother volunteers she yells a lot at the kids, more than other mothers for sure. I have been on good terms with the mother in the past who lives in our neighborhood
Any suggestions on how to handle? Just let it go? Hopefully blow over during the holiday break?
Just to clarify, the snack cart is somewhat new, and parents had to sign a form that says kids can use their lunch money account. So the accounts aren't new, but the snack cart is new.
Anyway, I didn't mean to imply that the other mother yells because she's from another culture, but I will say that other cultures are certainly more strict - especially in schools. The accusing girl has been much more vocal about a number of things lately unrelated to my dd and not in a very positive way which I have observed when I volunteer. This makes me think she is learning some of this communication from her mother which is one reason I'd rather avoid bringing it up with her. Both girls are 9 and they are actually in different classes, but eat lunch at the same time and my dd says she always ends up sitting by her because they have a mutual friend.
After reading the responses, I think I will wait till after holiday break, maybe the other girl is under some kind of stress and possibly jealous of my dd since she spends more time with their mutual friend. Either way, I think the accusing girl is disrespectful of adults and if it continues, I probably will bring it up with her teacher.
But keep the responses coming, good feedback.
Perhaps the snack cart lady can have a word with the child's mother, asking her to help them - have the cart lady let the mom know that her daughter has told on another child for stealing because she doesn't understand how a lunch account works.
Maybe by asking the mom to "help" instead of confronting, the mom can explain it in a way the daughter will understand.
If they think stealing is bad, I wonder what their opinion is on bearing false witness.
Accusing someone of stealing might be excused once (anyone can be mistaken), but repeated accusations when it's been explained that no stealing is happening is lying.
You get down to the girl's eye level and say stright to her face "My daughter is NOT stealing. If you say that again we will have to have a talk with the principal. And it is REALLY not nice to accuse people wrongly."
If this doesn't work you should talk to the mom. You can't afford to be afraid of her at your DDs expense. Also do not be afraid to talk to the administration. It sounds like this girl is a bit of a bully and you should nip it in the bud.
I have no problem calling out know-it-all children. Here's how I'd handle it.
Her: "Some parents think their kids are nice, but they aren't."
Me: "Some children think that they know more than parents, but they don't. You need to worry about your own behavior instead of judging others. If you call my daughter a thief one more time, I'm going to have a talk with the principal and your mother. Do you understand me?"
ETA: Rhonda, my JAW DROPPED when I read your post. And then I reported you. The USA was built by immigrants. Your nasty attitude towards people from other countries, and the insinuation that THEY are theives simply because they weren't born here is despicable.
Sure the girl is annoying.
So what.
Just ignore her.
EVERYONE TOLD the girl, your girl, has a lunch account.
The girl chooses not to believe her and even told you that your daughter is not nice.
The other thing you CAN do is tell the Teacher. Because, ALL of my kids' Teachers have, when things like this happens, TALKS to their ENTIRE classroom to "correct" certain bad behaviors and rudeness and gossip and inappropriateness.
I would speak to the teacher. Let her explain to the girl, and if necessary, to the girl's parents that she is misunderstanding and that she is accusing another child of something that she's not doing, which is not nice. I couldn't find their ages in your post, but clearly the girl does not understand the concept of having a lunch account since the cafeteria worker tried explaining. I'd let the teacher know. She can even have a discussion with the class, without singling anyone out, saying that she's aware that there is some confusion among the kids about kids "taking" snacks in the cafeteria. She can explain about the lunch accounts, that these kids' parents sent in money for them so the snacks are already paid for, and that they don't need to give the money when they buy. But since you say that you are on good terms with the mom, I would mention it to her. Do it nicely but let her know that her child is accusing yours and does not understand that your daughter's money is in an account. Honestly if the girl doesn't even take the word of the woman who works in the cafeteria, I feel like that is disrespectful. Tell the teacher. The girl needs and explanation of how other kids pay for their lunch and snacks, and really she owes your kid an apology. However, this situation is in no way connected with the other mother yelling at the children, and her yelling at the children is really not something that should be connected with the difference in culture.
Your daughter is clearly not stealing and the cafeteria staff is aware of that. I would just let it go as this is not gonna go any further than this childs mouth since the accusations are unfounded.
I wouldn't ignore because ignoring shows weakness to bullies (this girl may not be a bully but it's still good practice to be assertive not passive with kids like this so she'll buzz off). Your daughter did great by telling the girl about her account. She now needs to add "So please stop saying that." She also needs to tell the teacher if it continues. I would also tell the girl's mom, "Hi, Sally, help me out here, your daughter doesn't understand the lunch credit system so she keeps saying my daughter is stealing. Please explain it to her." Keep your tone friendly and firm. See how it goes with holiday break, but I would confront everyone including teacher, the mom and the girl herself.
I would say if she can't ignore her say something to the teacher and have the teacher talk to the girl so she will stop it. Different culture or not being told that over and over again is annoying and rude. And what is someone hears her and doesn't realize what the situation is and makes things even more awkward for your child. Don't worry about the other lady. She may have even been talking about the other girl. You don't know
First, this girl has been told by an adult that your daughter isn't stealing. The next time she makes that accusation, someone needs to take her to the principal for a discussion about behavior in school. This needs to be addressed by the school.
If this kid says something like that to you again, I would answer "you are correct, some kids aren't very nice at all" and stare right at her.
Teach your daughter to ignore her.
As long as your daughter is doing nothing wrong she's not going to get in any trouble (remind her of that) and the girl will soon get bored with her fake tattling and move on to something else.
Of course if the girl continues to harass her then go ahead and let the teacher know what's going on, so she can alert the lunch staff.
Let it go. This is a kid talking about something she knows nothing about. What do you care what some school girl thinks? As long as she is not encouraging the other students to call your daughter a thief, let it go.
I'd ask her what she meant by that. If she was implying that your daughter wasn't nice in general, she's entitled to that opinion, but if she was thinking that because she thinks your daughter steals, then she needs to be reminded that she's been told several times that's not the case. If you have a problem with the mother's behavior in the cafeteria, then speak to the staff about it. Tell your daughter that she can tell the girl to talk to the staff again but that she isn't stealing and the kid needs to drop it or SHE is the not nice one.
The other thing is WHO is she saying this to? Is she telling all the other kids and now other kids think your DD is a thief or is it just that SHE doesn't like your DD? If she's spreading rumors, then maybe they all need a reminder about being a gossip and how accounts work.
There will usually be people throughout one's life who think they "know it all." I would let it be and tell my daughter to ignore her. The ones who need to know, know the truth.
Since you're on good terms with the mom, the next time you talk to her I would say something like "Hey, did you know that you can set up an account for the snack cart in the cafeteria? I set one up for <my daughter>, and I didn't know if you knew about it. Maybe <your daughter> would like it if you set something up like that. She's talked to <my daughter> about it when <my daughter> is getting a snack.
Sorry if that's confusing. But essentially, you're letting her know that her daughter is saying something, without saying that she's been accusatory.
Ignoring is not a sign of weakness. Giving in and arguing and feeling as if you have to explain yourself, giving authority to the other person doing the accusing is showing weakness.
At this point, especially since the girl is making snide remarks to adults about what she believes is happening, I would tell the teacher and have the teacher handle it.
But I have to say... I admire this young lady for so doggedly standing up against what she believes is chronic theft. She was brave enough to tell the so-called thief's mother, albeit obnoxiously and vaguely, and I respect the girl's values and willingness to want others to do the right thing. Loudly. She's not just turning a blind eye.
hmm. i think the "right" thing to do, in a perfect world, is to ignore it.
however.
your daughter is understandably upset at someone accusing her of something falsely. kids can have a hard time with something like this when they feel bullied/intimidated/out of control. honestly, i would give her some control of the situation to empower her.
i would tell her, next time little girl starts up, just tell her, "everyone knows i'm NOT STEALING jessica - and LYING is wrong."
At 9 years old, I would probably tell my daughter to remind her she has already told her she has a prepaid account so mind her own business. From that point on, I would just tell my daughter to just tell her to mind her own business and walk away. That's what I would do if it were my daughter.
i dont care if the kids family is from mars, she is RUDE! and you have my permission to tell her so to her FACE..i am sorry but"the obama excuse" of saying"gee, they are from a different culture, so it would be racist to say such behavior is RUDE"..doesnt cut it with me. where i am from, you know, the planet earth, children dont around claiming other kids stole something simply because they didnt see any money changing hands, you need to talk to the principal and possible the superintendent about this girl accusing your child of stealing because chances are good, this brat is telling absolutely everyone she can that your child is a THIEF, and sooner or later, someone is going to believe them, no matter what they see for themselves otherwise..and the accusing brat will be sitting smugly by, while your child gets accused of things they never did. i am from"a different culture" then alot of my neighbors, but, do they go around accusing me of theft?no. so,they dont do it to me, i am not going to do it to them, its called "mutual cultural respect"
K. h.
I think you missed a golden opportunity to explain this YET AGAIN to the child. She may not even understand the concept of "an account". You could have told her that you pay money to the school BEFORE she gets the food from the snack cart. Tell her that the lunch lady takes the price of the item she buys away from the money you already paid. When she gets enough of the snacks that there is no more money there, you put more money onto the account. That you pay the money FIRST, and she gets the snacks second. There is no way for her to be stealing the snacks because you already paid for it.
Since you didn't get a chance to do this, you have got to get this kid's teacher to explain it to her and that she is not allowed to accuse people of stealing when the school personnel have already told her that what she is doing is okay.
Until this gal understands what is going on, this isn't going away. You have to take care of this.
Dawn
The way I look at it, you have two options:
1- Teach your daughter how to let it go and forget it. The cafeteria lady knows the truth, so the accusation is dead in the water.
2- Since you are on good terms with the mom, why don't you nicely (non-confrontational) let her know that her daughter doesn't need to worry about whether or not your daughter pays for snacks, as she has money in the account. You can also say something along the lines of, "It's so nice your daughter is concerned about how the school handles snacks".. (?) Something of that sort.
Hi, Sally:
Yes, this is a "sticky" situation.
The child is jealous of your DD.
Yes, the Mother and child needs to be confronted.
How to do it?
Ask the Mother and child to meet with you and your child. Tell her what is happening and how you want to address it.
When you meet, state what the issues are, then ask the child these
questions:
1) What happened?
2) What were you thinking of at the time?
3) What have you thought about since?
4) Who has been affected by what you have done? In what way?
5) What do you think you need to do to make things right?
Then ask your daughter these questions:
1) What did you think when you realized what had happened?
2) What impact has this incident had on you and others?
3) What has been the hardest thing for you?
4) What do you think needs to happen to make things right?
Hope this helps.
Good luck.
D.
