Hi ladies. I am hoping someone might have a little advice for me. I am a stepmother to an amazing 11-year-old boy since he was 16 months old. For the first 6 years or so we got to have him every weekend and had a great bond. Then his mother moved with him out of state. We moved also to keep our two boys and us closer to him. Unfortunately, he still lives 4 hours away and we only get to see him for spring break, summer vacation, and Christmas time unless we prearrange a weekend a month or so in advance with his mom, which we try to do once every two months if we can save the money.
The problem that I'm having is, our bond seems to be withering away. We seem to argue a lot. He seems to egg me on in situations in order to upset me and I have no patience with his smart mouth. I am trying to chalk it up to puberty that he's developing an attitude and the distance between the two families. Every time we see him he is different somehow. Any suggestions or advice?
Thank you all for your suggestions and advice. Time will tell how it all goes. I do figure it is just him growing up. He is trying to exert his "alpha maleness" and I am trying to figure it out. His dad wants everything to be peaches and cream when he visits, but I am not going to allow him to be lazy and disrespectful to me just because he's not here all the time. Hubby is also afraid that if he goes back to his Mom and tells her that he and I argue all the time, then she will put a stop to the visits. (When they first separated she refused to allow him to see his son for almost 4 months and he's afraid she'd do it again.)
CH...my husband and I have given the oldest 2 laptop computers (the first one "got broken" somehow) set up with Skype and all the cute little attachments needed to use it correctly, his favorite computer games, and all the home addresses, phone numbers, and email addresses of all his family members on his dad's and my side. None of us hear from him and his mother refuses to hook it up to the internet for him. She will only allow him to use it for a gaming system. And we have only seen him once on their home computer and she was sitting right there when he called us. She won't allow him privacy to speak with us. We have also set up a Myspace account and Facebook account and an email account. The only time he ever gets to update them or answer any emails is when we get him for our visits. She makes it very difficult to contact him. But, you are correct. Skype is an amazing way to see family outside of your area. I use it all the time.
He probably feels the same way. His mother has a huge influence on him also. Be his friend and ask him what he likes and be a part of what he likes and he will open up to you. It is not easy for children at times either. You change and he will also.
Good luck.
N. Marie
There are two things going on here;
A. He is in the tweens. Most moms that have kids at that age (including me) wish they could ship their kid away to a remote island for a few years. =) It is normal. Think of a baby bird stretching their wings, learning independence. He is learning to speak his mind and testing the "rules" of life and his parents. Unfortunately his not mature enough to put all he thinks into words other than something obnoxious. Set firm rules for bedtimes, chores, etc. And remind him that this is how it is in your home and there are consequences to certain behavior. He will adjust. Especially if he has a "Disney mom" this can be difficult but in the long run he will thank you for it. Be firm, be loving and take DEEP breaths. =)
B. You are the stepmom. Since you have been in his life for so long he sees you as "a mom" along with his bio mom BUT you will always be number #2 and that can be incredibly confusing. He feels loyalty to "mom" and yet loves you. If he pushes you it is to see whether you will go away. Be firm, be loving and understand that he loves you, even if he doesn't act like it.
C. He is a boy. Boys tend to distance themselves from their moms when they reach teenage years, that is natural. Encourage your husband to do "manly" things with him to keep the bond strong.
Don't worry, this too shall pass. =)
Hi Momma-
I could be way off, but your stepson, seeing you as mommy first, may feel that you have "let" him get so far away, and his reaction is anger towards you. He may also miss his dad and because he doesn't get to see him that much, may be angry at you for being the stepmom because now he can't spend time with his parents all of the time. Really, it is not your fault in any way, and his emotions are hitting a changing point with puberty as well.
I reccommend you tell him how much you love him, how much his dad loves him, how much his bio mom loves him and do a little pushing back of your own in love. It takes a long time for kids to come around in certain situations. Just don't let the bond break- make a point of calling him, inviting him places, etc. Expect of him, when he is at your home, to be involved in ALL family activities, and maybe plan family game nights for when he is there. Board games are not a thing of the past. Pictionary, catch phrase, etc. These are really fun and really easy games. Cranium is good, too. Anyway, just envelop him with all the family love and appreciation as your son (step son) that you can imagine.
Good luck momma
-E.
Regarding the internet---we don't allow our kids (close to your stepson's age) to use the internet unsupervised...as a safety thing. So His mom may not being trying to limit contact, she just may just be protective that way.
I am a stepmom of 3 boys, by the way. What you have described is sad. I think all you can do is tell him that you miss him and miss the way things used to be, and that it hurts you when he tries to pick fights with you or acts like he doesn't care about you, because you love him just as much as you ever did.
Mom, he is just going threw puberty. I have a 16yr old stepson and he does the same thing here with us and we get him every other week. He is testing you to see what he can get away with and find his place in the family. Keep up with what you are doing as in rules of the house, discipline, and if it gets too much for you get his father to have a talk with him. Believe me, dont give up. It might get worse for a few more years, but soon he will find his way and calm down. When he gets older he will thankyou for being there for him during this tough time in his life.
I think you already know the answer - he's growing up. I don't think the distance between families has anything to do with it. they're almost like 2 year olds - pushing the pencil to see how far they can go. You need to be firm now and no matter how little you see him, you need to institute some discipline so he won't think that coming to your house is a free for all. Some kids think that because they don't see dad all that often, no discipline will be imposed for bad behavior. He needs to know that if the situation warrants it, he can spend his entire visit on restriction. It would be a shame, but it's his decision.
I wonder if Skype (not sure of splg?) would be good for the family. You could see and talk to each other on a regular basis this way.
Have you tried recorded letters or facebook,web cam. Your just a short surprise visit that his mom knows about ahead of time! Like for lunch,or shopping and maybe a movie out as a family! Yes I know it is a four hour drive each way! Family first! Make it an adventure once a month! or every two or even three be creative! Resentment causes bitterness, then depression...only one life to live! Soon he can take bus by himself! Maybe you could meet him half way! Anyway happy parenting...remember these are the easy years! It gets harder! From a well seasoned parent! Enjoy your day! Ps even an old fashioned letter is is a good start! My daughter had a pay as you go cell phone at that age! He lives in another country! It worked well! Good luck...........
Boys will go thru many phases. Is there any other form of communication with him? Maybe online websites, emails etc. Its a transition when you move place to place. As they get older they start to change. I deal with my own and they do get mouthy. Give him time to adjust being so far away. My oldest sis is 4 hours away also, we do talk on the phone, chat on f-b or send eachother emails. Its good to have communication, as long as they don't feel pressured. Many know adjusting to back and forth between families does take a toll on a person.
Its the same with custody battles with visitations. Things will work out. When he gets older he may come stay with you, it depends on him. Good luck. G.
