My fiance has 2 boys with his ex wife and we have been together for 4 years, but we also have a son together, and recently my fiance's oldest son told me that when his father and I get married he wants to call me "mommy", which I don't have a problem with but I wouldn't want him to get confused at home or slip up and call me mommy around his actual mommy bc she may get mad bc when the conversation came up before she started yelling saying that her boys would never call me mommy. Well bc my fiance's 2 boys call me by my first name our son has started calling me by my first name as well even though I AM his mommy lol so I just want to know, would it be ok to let my fiance's boys call me mommy bc I mean it is our house and the decision is really up to the boys anyway...
I have read all of your opinions and I appreciate them very much, but I would like to put out there that I never said I wanted his boys to call me mommy bc I know that I am not their bio mom and I know that hearing them call me mommy would hurt her and I am not trying to do that at all. And yes I do correct my son if he calls me by my first name and we turn it into a little game. I would also be very upset if my fiance and I spilt up and he called someone else mommy bc I am the one that carried him for 9 months and gave birth to him, I would also never let him call another man daddy. I myself grew up with step parents, but my step dad took the role as my dad so I called him daddy and I still do to this day even though I have a small relationship with my bio dad. My nickname has always been MoMo growing up anyway so I have no problem with the boys calling me that, we have never actually talked about that name before bc one of the boys actually came up with the name CaCa a few yrs ago and that is what they sometimes call me. And to answer the question that I have been asked numerous times lol I have been in their lives since they were 3 yrs old and right before the younger of the two turned 1 and now they are about to turn 7 and 5 :) Like I said before I greatly appreciate all of your answers and thank you for commenting. You all have given me some great ideas :)
That is very sweet, but I think it would be confusing if you are all at the same event and this child calls out mommy and the 2 of you do not know who they are talking about.
Also when they speak about mommy to their teachers, friends, other relatives.. they will always have to explain which mommy.
She will always be their mommy, so guide the children to find a different endearing name.
She is their mommy, they can call you something else, like Momma M.?
Think of an alternative.
I call my MIL "mom" but we are all adults.
I wouldn't want my kids calling anyone else mom or mommy, especially when they were little.
look at it like this; if you & your fiance split up and he starts dating someone else, would you be ok with your little guy calling her mommy? I would also take the *real* mommy's feelings into consideration, if she doesn't like it, I would ask her what she would suggest, team work makes for happy homes.
I don't think they should call you mommy. I know that a lot people will disagree with me, but I think it's disrespectful to their mother. Maybe they can call you "Mama M." or something like that. I just know that if my oldest son had contact with his birth father and called his birth father's wife "mom" I would be livid - that's MY NAME and I earned it, kwim? When my SD was younger, she lived with her mom and her mom's husband and called her step-father "daddy" for a while and it really hurt my husband.
Anyway...my SD lives with us and calls me by my first name. For many years, my oldest son called my husband by his first name. The children who we had together were never confused, and they have always called us "Mommy" and "Daddy." My oldest son's birth father has never been in the picture so over the years my son has grown to call him Dad. My SD's mother isn't in the picture now but we still don't have her calling me Mom.
You already know that this would be a problem for their mother so just come up with something else and avoid creating a problem.
I find it interesting that the votes always go down to who is a mom and who is a stepmom. The fact is it will bother me if my kids call my ex's fiance mom. Thing is that is my issue and not that of the kids.
Kids are the innocents in all of this. Let them call you whatever they are comfortable with and don't listen to the moms that are saying kids only have one mom grrrr. Sorry you are insecure but the fact is they do only have one mom and they know it! Wait till they are teens and you find out the full range of names they call their mom! Still won't change how they feel about you!
I would have had a real problem with my kids calling another woman mommy.
Maybe use Ma'M. or something creative like that?
Your own kids will call you by your first name for a bit, my oldest did that at around age 2 or 3 when he heard my friends or my husband call me T.... he called me T.... and it was actually pretty funny. It was a short lived phase tho and we got him back on track.
I guess if you dont care if your child called another woman "mommy" it would be hard for you to see where the dismay could come from. Try to picture it tho...
The decision isn't up to the boys-you need to consider the other parents feelings-how would you feel if your son started calling another lady mommy? You would probably be heartbroken and angry-you and your fiancee need to sit down together and come up with a list of names that you guys like and then let the kids choose.
Don't let the kids make the full decision. If they choose to call you Mommy and their mother gets upset, then they are in the middle. They already have to navigate a world of complicated adult relationships in their family (no matter how much all the grown ups love the kids, there will be tension between the adults that the kids will feel). Don't put that kind of potential pressure on them. The adults should come up with 2 or 3 acceptable options and let the kids choose from them. Any variation of mom or mommy that they already use with their mother should be off limits. The name they use for you should be specific and reasonably unique to help define relationships and keep communication simple and clear when the kids are discussing their family.
Just correct your son.
I've always called me step parents by their names.
I have 4 younger half siblings that never had issues calling my step dad "dad" and not "Charlie". And I have older step siblings that have always called their mom mom and she's my step mom and I call her by her first name.
BTW CaCa is poop.
I adopted my daughter who came to live with me when she was 7. Eventually she wanted to call me Mom but she still had contact with her birth mother. We became Mom M. and Mom Michelle.
To my grandchildren I'm Grandma M. when they're around the other Grandma and when they're with me she becomes Grandma Sue. This has been going on since they were preschoolers. Kids get used to calling us whatever we teach them to call us.
I suggest that your step son could call you Mother, Mama or some other pet name that is more familia than your first name. There are words in a foreign language that mean mommy that you could use. A friends children call their grandparents by the German name for grandma. I don't remember what it is now.
It is in my daughter's divorce decree that their son cannot call his step-father any name sounding like Dad, Daddy, etc. Even Papa is off limits. So he calls his step dad by his first name. His half sister still calls him Papa since she has a birth father she calls Daddy. Because everyone has a different "name" we don't get confused when they talk. The kids have always been able to say the different names.
How old are the boys? If they're preschool I'd be hesitant to have them call me mommy. It's too confusing for the adults, even. But a similar name would be OK.
I understand wanting your birth son to call you Mommy. It sounds so sweet to hear it. I also understand not wanting to upset their other mommy but sometimes we just need to go with whatever happens. If they spontaneously call you mommy I'd let it go, not giving them permission or telling them not to. I would first try to give myself another name that might be more acceptable to their birth mother. Then they have choices. But only if they're school age. Preschoolers need to have different names for each mom so that they as well as the adults are not confused/hurt.
Your son will stop calling you by your name, he is just young and copying the others.
My step children always call me by my first name, they already have a mom. I also have always called my step mother by her first name, I would have never called her mom.
I am glad you have a good relationship with your future step children. It is important to always treat everyone as a part of the family. I have read too many times about step moms that can’t stand their step children and only complain about not wanting them to be a part of the family.
bottom line is i know you want whats best for those kids, it's obvious you have a great relationships which is wonderful!! So I would be careful not to put the kids in the middle of this... if you know their mom will be upset by them calling you mommy, even if you think it's unfair, that's putting them in an unnecessary stressful situation :( And broken families are stressful enough, even on the most well-adjusted kids. My stepdaughter has always called me "JoJo" since she was 2... if she called me "mommy" i'd just say, "that's not my name silly!" and she would laugh and go back to calling me JoJo. She knows I am one of her parents and a title/name won't change that.
I knew her mom would be upset so i didn't even want to do that to my stepdaughter, it wasn't worth it... and I've seen it on the other side, my stepdaughter calls her stepdad "daddy" and it's always broken my husband's heart (but he's been the mature one and not made a scene in front of his daughter) :(
Now she's 13, and my 2 year olds have called me JoJo a few times because they've heard her say it... i just have the same response to them... i get goofy & say "that's not my name silly" and they laugh and quickly adjust back to mommy... they learn the differences... they've also called my husband Jay because they've heard me call him that and we do the same, just laugh and say "nooo, that's Daddy!".
If their mom wasn't in the picture or didn't care i would say go for it, but I'd hate to put the children in the position where their mom is upset with them for an avoidable reason.
Hope that helps a bit... i know how stressful it can all be!!
I think this is a GREAT conversation for all of you to have together. I understand the boys' mom being a little hesitant to allow someone else to be called mommy, but I think it's awesome that you have such a great relationship with the kids.
My partner and I are foster parents, and the kids who live with us are usually pretty young, and naturally just gravitate to the "mommy" name. We really try hard not to step on birth mom's toes, so if she is known as mommy, we become Mama and Mimi. My four year old adopted daughter still calls me Mimi and I love it!
I had a friend who called her stepmom "ma'ams" instead of mom. It was close and cute and even as an adult it still stuck!
You have the opportunity to have a very fun and unique name for them to call you. :) Have the kids work on it together. Then that way if your son ever calls you that, too, you won't mind as much....it's a SPECIAL nickname. Just like the nicknames we give our kiddos are done with extra love.
We call one set of grandparents Nonnie and Nonno (Italian). One set Grammie and Papa, and my dad is Grandpa (first name). And a Great Grandma is Gigi (really GG, but made cute). It makes it super easy for the girls to talk about the grandparents, and fun to have special names for them.
my daughter has 2 half sisters at her dads house, and they call their step mom mommy and my daughter calls her step mom by her first name. your kids won't be confused. i've heard my ex & his wife tell their daughter - that is jaidens mommy. they get it. you just have to tell them.
My DD has much older sibs and she knows my "real name" and calls me Mommy or Momma. The steps refer to me as her mommy. She tried the first name thing a time or two and I simply said that to HER I am Mommy.
Personally, if the boys are really young and they choose to call you Mommy or Mommy First Name, then I'd let them. It is their choice. If she gets upset then deal with it when that happens. I wouldn't borrow trouble til I see it.
Now, I'm not going to lie and say that if my DD had a stepmom and called her Mommy it wouldn't sting. But it doesn't negate who I am in her life.
FYI, my stepson calls his friend's mom "Mom" to the point where we had to get him to clarify if he meant N's mom or his own mom. I will never be "Mom". I always have been/will be First Name. That stung, but I had to get over it. It actually says more about how he knows his already volatile mother would blow a gasket if he called me Mom.
Now all that said, if the "mom" wears off, then just remind your little one that you are Mommy and that the other boys need to call you something with respect. I'd rather be first name than "that woman" or something nastier.
we gave our boys the choice of what they wanted to call my husband and their step mom.
Their step mom said no.. she is ( her first name).
They chose after that ( with the step mom) that they would just call each step parent by their first name. In the end it was their choice ( I think with a little help to sway one way from their step mom) what to call them. But I always tell them that no matter what they call them they have to respect everyone the same... they don't have step parents.. they have 4 parents.
Our kids once in a while will call us by our first name and we just look at them and say what is our name, silly? Then they go back to mom and dad. Or if we don't react to them calling us our first names and still respond to them they do go back to mom and dad.
Lots of children call their parents by the first names because that is how we are referred to by others! Let the kids call you whatever they like. When they get older, they'll sort it out. If she's "mommy" maybe you could be "mama".
As I have stated in previous posts... my father called both his father and stepfather "dad" because they BOTH functioned in that role... loving, caring supportive men who shared the responsibility of raising him!
I agree with the posters who suggested Mama M.. You could also make up something entirely different (Mimi, Momo, Mon). I think it's great that you have a strong relationship with your stepsons and that they love you enough to want to call you mommy. But I do think it would be very hurtful to their actual mom, which it sounds like she has already made very clear.
There is a boy who recently joined my son's playgroup. I only ever see him with his stepmom (she's the one who joined the group, since she lives in my neighborhood and also has a biological son), and I've only met his real mom once. However, he alternates weeks with the parents, so he does spend 50% of his time with mom and 50% with stepmom. Anyway, whichever one he is with, he calls them mom and refers to the other by her first name. I find it very awkward. The stepmom talked to the mom about it and the mom SAID she was ok with it, but the mom has admitted to other friends that it kind of upsets her and hurts her feelings.
Anyway, my point is, I think it's great that they love you and you love them, and they want to call you mom, but I don't think it's a good idea. Have them come up with another special name for you but let them save mom/mommy for their birth mom.
I know this is a little different but I still think it's a good idea. My friend has her daughter call her Grandmas, Grandma sweetie pie and Grandma Honey. I think it's so cute and then there's no confusion as to which Grandma they are talking about. You could do something like that with your step son. You could be Momma sweetie pie and his Mom could be Momma Honey.
No your wrong. These boys have one mommy and your stepmom. They will figure it out as life goes on but they should call you by your first name. My two oldest children knew from the start I am mommy and no one else can be called Mommy. Step parents have a hard role and they are to be respected. Children should also be respected too. Do not confuse them by having them call you mommy also. I think a knickname would be a great idea, something special because you are special.
Let them decide. If she gets angry it will only make HER look bad when they point out it was by CHOICE. I always called my stepdad Dad. And even though he and my mom are not married anymore, I still think of him as my dad. My husband didn't get a stepparent into he was an adult, and he calls her by her first name. It's all a matter of choice. Young children often wish to use the title Mom and Dad because that is what makes sense to them. I wouldn't worry about anyone getting confused.
There is nothing wrong with your son calling you by your first name. My daughter did that after hearing our families use our first name. We decided that it was important for her to knows our real names, so I just let her know that that was my real name but that Mommy was the special name that only she could use (or only siblings can). She still calls us by our first names, but it is rare and usually to get a response. If that is the only reason you want to have your stepson call you mommy, it really isn't necessary. I think it is ok, but I would worry about how it might strain the relationship with his mother.
you need to do what works best for your family, in your home & thru life. :)
I applaud the closeness the boys have with you.
(sigh) I'm the one who has my stepmom & her family under the heading: Evil Stepmom, Evil Stepsister, & Evil Stepbrother. :) She joined the family when I was in my mid-30s, & earned the title of "Evil" after my Dad died a few years ago. Soooo, when I read a post like this....I love it! Thanks!
Do you have nieces or nephews? what if they called you Aunt M. in front of your son and he called you Aunt M.? Would it make sense for everyone to call you Mommy in front of your son to prevent him from saying M.? As you can see your reason is flawed.
You wrote that you want them to call you mommy and they want to call you mommy and they call the shots in your home. But think if your son called their real mom 'mommy' because his brothers call her that. How would you feel about that?
For our kid's step grandma they call her "Grandma ______ (her first name)". For their non-step Grandma they say "Grandma". I like that. I think a child directly calling someone just their first name is disrespectful. We gotta have an "Aunt" or "Uncle", etc in front... and if it is a person not in the family, we say Ms. Miss or Mr. and preferably the last name, but so many adults go by "miss _____ (their first name)" so, whatever:) So, Step Mom? "M. M." would be it in my family:) OH- and just the first letter works, too! "M. M"