Stepmom

Hi. I have a slightly different situation in that my DH and his ex share equal custody of their 12 year old son. He lives with us for 1 week and then with her for 1 week. She only lives 1 mile away. It is interesting in that, since I am the mom at my own house,, I end up doing the primary parenting of my step-son the weeks he lives with us. It certainly can be very challenging.

I have been the mother to my step-daughter for 10 yrs, she's 14y/o now. Her mother yo-yo'd in and out for years. We haven't seen her in @ 7yrs, until a month ago. We(my daughter and I ) saw her in Walmart. She darted a dirty look at me and ignored our daughter. I have always welcomed this woman into our lives, she has another daughter from a diff father only 15mos older than our daughter. I always though that it was important for the girls to stay connected they also went to the same school for 4 yrs, mom didn't acknowledge her, not even when she won the holloween parade (2yrs in a row), well mom just couldn't keep things civil. We invited her to all birthday parties, play dates, lunch, picinics even girlscout outings.Mom gave her up at birth, (mom was 16yrs, had her first at 14)my husband raised her. Mom has been given visitation rights 3 times by the courts, she never sticks to it.

I am a step-mom of a twelve year old girl. It's been one of the most challanging things I've had to do. Her birthmother and I have a completely different set of morals and rules (or lack there of) for our households. The best thing in dealing with the birth mother, is don't. I leave that up to her dad. I communicate with my step-daughter, but I really have no obligation to communicate with mom. Like you said, it's especially painful to see the girls hurt by their mom. It infuriates me! I just continue to reinforce that I am there for her any time that mom isn't. My step-daughter's mom is a drug user and alcoholic, with a mouth worse than a sailor. So, beleive me she hurts her often. Unfortunately, the courts won't do anything with out proof. Hang in there. When they are grown, they will see who was there when they needed them and who acted like a real mom should.

I have two step-children as well.. Their mom only has visitation and thats when you can talk them into actually going because half the time they want nothing to do with it.. I been through it all custody battles...child support wars..you name it I have seen the worst sides of having kids in a divorce situation.....

being a step-parent is the hardest. You put in all the effort and love and time and, yes, money. and still have no real rights to call the child yours, no matter how much you love them. I struggle with this constantly. Up until a few months ago, we had my husband's two youngest boys from a previous marriage at least 60% of the time, sometimes more. Technically, they live with their mom, but they were always with us if she ever felt like just dropping them off and coming back whenever she was done her business days later. I took care of these kids every time they were home sick from school. I took care of a the 4 year old for the weeks after he came home from the hospital after having an appendectomy, and I cared for his brother during the days he was in the hospital. I cannot imagine not wanting to be with your child at a time that frightening and painful. We contribute to their material needs by buying them clothes and school supplies, and feeding them when they are with us. When their mother complained about the cost of daycare during the summer(previously they would stay with us during the summer), we offered to take them to the same place that the rest of our kids were going which cost less than half of what she was paying, but she refused. We don't have the money to pay her child support. We used to, but over the past two years, through a series of unimaginable events, our financial situation has deteriorated to the point of where our house is in foreclosure(although hopefully the methods we are purseuing will prevent this from continuing), and even with both of us working full-time and my husband doing extra work on the side, we can't afford to get out of debt at this time. So this is the time she decides to take him to to court for child support. She makes more money than him, though not much, at this point, and she just bought a house in Cherry Hill, with more bedrooms than a woman with two kids needs. I don't begrudge a person living their dream of owning the house that they want, but if you can't afford it, don't buy it. We had to buy a house with 4 bedrooms because we have 5 going on 6 kids, and we wanted her children, also our children to have a place of their own. My biggest issue is that my husband doesn't seem to see why I want to be there in court. The thought of not being able to see these kids more than every other weekend is heartbreaking to me. Our two older boys are devastated, the 14 year old can't even concentrate in school, he's away at a boarding school that he recieved a grant for, and every email he sends is about his brothers and how he wishes he could see them before he can never see them again. She had no problem dumping these kids on us at every whim before this summer, then all of the sudden, there were days when she wouldn't let my husband pick them up, he'd show up at her house at a previously agreed upon time, and she wouldn't let him in. Compounding all of this is the fact that she now has a steady girlfriend living with her in her house, and any time that the girlfriend is there, we're not allowed to come to the door. This means that we have no idea what this woman is like, and our kids are living with her! I love these boys like my own, all of them. I have children of my own, with my husband, and I can honestly say that I love these boys like they are my own. But I have no right to them, even my husband can't understand how much I love them and why I want to be in that courtroom, why I can't just leave it up to him to make sure that they don't get taken away from us. They beg us every weekend to stay, and they know when they come back to the house how long it has been since they've seen us and they cry over having to leave again. Anytime they ask to stay longer, I just tell them I would love for them to stay, but they have to go to school. Then they say "did my mommy say no?" And I just repeat, "you have to go to school" I don't want to get into that blame game, but I do blame her. She never had a problem until she met this new girlfriend, and bought this house, and we give these kids everything that we can. They get just as much as the kids who live with us do, and that is no exaggeration. If it doesn't seem like enough to her, it's b/c none of our kids get a terrible lot of things, we can't afford it. These boys have everything that they need, and we have offered time and again ways to make the financial burden less upon their mother, but she doesn't want that, she just wants the money.

My daugher doesn't actually have a stepmom or step dad, but my sister does, sort of. My mom and dad divorced when I was 10,leaving me and my sister( we're 4 years apart). A few years later, she re- married and the had my other sister. She is now 10, but her dad and my mom also divorced when she was very young b/c he had violent tendencies. For a while they had visitation at the SPCC because it was supervised. If that wasn't bad enough, now they think that he is getting better, and he is now able to take her out without supervision. I may not have step kids, but I know what it's like to worry that they may not be treated right, or that something could happen. She might be my half sister, but she feels like a regular sister, and I worry about her just as much. You're not alone.

HELLO I'M ALSO A STEP MOM TO A 10 YEAR OLD BOY. I LOVE HIM WITH ALL MY HEART. I'M ALSO HAVING A HARD TIME DEALING WITH MOM AND THE HURTFUL THINGS SHE IS DOING TO MY STEP SON i JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW WOMEN CAN TREAT THERE KIDS THR WAT THEY DO WHEN CUSTODY ISSUES COME AROUND.

I have a step kid, but he only comes every other weekend...some times are good and others are awful. I don't always like the way he treats my husband, but someone in the same situation once told me to stay out of their issues....of course he is only there every other weekend, but as long as he is respecting my son and my house, all is okay with me...

Hello T.!
I just joined this group today, and am so happy to see other step-moms around!
I just got married in June to a wonderful man with 2 wonderful children. They live with us full time, and Mom only sees them about once every two weeks for about a day..sometimes not at all. This kills the children (especially the 11 yr old girl)
they have joint custody, but the kids have been living with my husband full time for the past 6 years. He really just doesn't want to fight a custody battle, so he is dealing with her coming in and out of their lives.
It sounds like we have a lot in common! I hope to chat with you soon!

Hi, I'm only recently reading through postings on the site and thought I'd respond to your question. I have been full-time parenting my step-son for just over 3 years and in his life for almost 5 years. He's going to be 7 at the end of February. We're currently in a custody battle with his psychotic "egg donor" - she actually wrote in September that she wanted to terminate paying child support b/c she intended to "terminate her parental rights with no visitation" - now she's suing us for full custody. She's had 5 live-in boyfriends and moved at least 7 times in the last 5 years. Not to mention at least 5 times in the mental ward and psychiatric hospital. But she thinks she can win and it's costing us an arm & leg in attorney fees. I hate her so much I could just scream!!

Anyway, I've seen and heard just about everything from this woman. I've seen the look on my SS's face when she blows him off for the weekend (my favorite is when she is "too sick" to get him b/c she has PMS - gimme a break!!!). Nutcase times infinity barely begins to describe this despicable human being and the way she treats my SS.

Yahoo message boards has a group called Stepmoms in Need - it's not a bad group at all! I'm going to go check out the secondwivescafe.com right now.

Hello,
I have a wonderful 2 and a half year old stepson. I've been in his life since he was 4 months old, basically for a little over two years, and he pretty much sees me as mom. He is obviously too young to really know what is going on, but he does know that he doesn't have a "typical" family, just simply from the fact that he doesn't live with mommy and all of his friends do. The "mommy" word was very challenging a few months ago, and he's just beginning to understand who's who. Though I wish I could be in his head to know what he really understands and thinks. It would make things so much easier. I would love to talk. I am fairly new to the area and don't have many friends yet. There is quite a bit that daddy doesn't understand about my position as stepmom, and my position in the "triangle." That is always very frustrating for me.

Hi T.,
I as well have a "step daughter". She is 7. Her mom had visitation 2 weekends a month.
I also have 4 children. My older 2 live with their dad, and I have my youngest son living with me. I also have a 4 month old with my boyfriend.
If you still are looking to talk, I do have a Yahoo e-mail, it is ____@____.com free to write either here or to my Yahoo.
Look forward to chatting,
Analise

Hi! My fiance has a child from a previous relationship, but I definitely would not consider myself a stepmom! Anyway, at first I was having such a hard time with the situation that I joined secondwivescafe.com
It is a site for second wives and stepmoms and is just great! There are tons of women on that site that know exactly what you are going through.

First of all being a step mom is a hard position to be in but yet rewarding at the same time. I am a mother of a 9 month old and a step mother of a 4 year old. I think that it is very important to keep a very good relationship with your stepchildren while not trying to take the place of their real mother either............I find being a friend is much more important than anything else....and of course letting them know that you love them. I also try and keep everything fair. I do not want her to think that I favor my child over her...My husband and I try very hard to treat them equally.
God bless you!