Stepdaughter Sleeping Problems at Mom's House

I agree that dad should be the one to mention it, if nothing else mention that the brother should wear a pull-up at night. I say that because if little brother is scared and comfortable sleeping with sister then it isn't that big of a deal, I mean he is scared big sister should understand that. There is also nothing wrong with siblings sharing rooms, even if the only reason is so mom can have a computer room. I can see whoever that big sister is tired of waking up in puddle, can't say as I blame her, so maybe broach it form a different angle and see where that gets you.

I have learned the hard way that advice from the non parent on how to parent goes over really badly. If you feel strongly about saying something, then have your husband broach the subject and stay out of it. A nice compromise would be that the 4 year old wear a pullup at night so the 8 year old doesnt get peed on. That is gross and her mom should be made aware of it, but like I said, either daughter needs to say something or Dad. Good luck!

I grew up in a large home with plenty of bedrooms... but my parents wanted and believed that sharing a bedroom would encourage us to built a closer relationship and it did. When there was a problem we would talk I knew who my sister liked etc. My siblings are still all quite close. I believe strongly that it is nothing to worry about..let their household be theirs. I worry more about the closeness of siblings kept apart and encouraged to close their door when there is a problem.

I think that either you or your stepdaughter need to bring this up. I'm sure that she doesn't want to, and it's not wrong to help a child through her problems, but she also needs to learn how to deal with her own problems. And coming from a child instead of the stepmom is going to be way more effective. She needs to find a way to tell her that she is a big sister, not a mother, and she shouldn't have to deal with her brother's sleeping problems. And she could also suggest pull-ups for her brother. She can tell her that she shouldn't have to be peed on every night. It's not fair!
Maybe you could role play with her and help her find the courage to stand up for herself.
If she needs some help, having her dad there with her, to step in if she needs him, might help. But I would stay out of it. It's an awkward predicament, that's for sure, but if you're not on good terms with the mom, she'll see you as interfering and bossy. No mom wants another mom telling them what to do.
Or maybe you or your husband could bring it up. Just tell the mom, "Your daughter mentioned a problem she's been having. She says her brother wakes her up in the night, and even wets her bed. She's tired and thinks it's gross. I thought you should know," and just leave it at that. That way, you're bringing the problem to her attention, but not telling her how to handle it, and not even telling her that she needs to do something about it. It puts the ball in her court, and should open a discussion between this mom and her daughter. At least, you'd think it would.
Good luck!

Honestly, you should probably stay out of it and let the mom handle her house as she sees fit and just handle the problems that you are having at your house. Good luck and they are only young for a little while and the problems will eventually go away.

I would let your husband approach the subject. It is about he and her learning to communicate effectively when it comes to them being a team in parenting. You doing it may send off some resentment, even though your intentions are great!
I would have the daughter come into the discussion if it is going to be civil too. Second I would work on the potty training of the 4 year old and nip that in the bud now for everyone's sake. Night time accidents happen, but if he isn't potty trained during the day that is another issue for a 4 year old. Even doing night time pullups will help him along and why aren't they being used if he isn't potty trained yet?
It is great you have a good relationship with her, kudos to you for that.
Children should be able to be comfortable and sleep well when visiting either parent. If approaching it that with your husband discussing alternative ways to resolve the problem.
It is great her brother has here there for comfort, but if they are mostly with their mom, it isn't okay to have a "computer room" and there has to be a resolution. Even suggesting from your husband that the daughter spend more time at your house since she needs her space and own room!
It isn't easy, nor will it be an easy subject to approach. I dislike my ex imensly, however when it comes to my children, I have always and will always be civil in any given discussion about our children. The kids should come first, past resentments need to stay there in the past. Good luck.

Like the other experienced stepmoms here, I echo the advice about not talking to the mom directly. If you don't have a good relationship now, it's not going to improve by talking to her about this - she will resent your interference, and possibly take it out on your stepduaghter.

However, I agree that either your husband should bring this up, or encourage and support your stepdaughter in talking to her mom.

I don't think it's inappropriate to have a 7 and 4 year old share a room, even if they are mixed genders. In another few years it will probably be best for them to have their own room.

Hi! First of all, it is nice to hear from the other side of the "parental sharing". I have to share my daughter with her dad, and we are not on the best of terms either. Your best bet is to just BE NICE. You may want your hubby to handle this one. You saying anything to her may just cause more hostility. Have the approach be one of "do you mind if we discuss a few things" or ask about how SHE thinks her daughter is doing at HER house, listen, wait and give some imput on what is going on at your house. Let her know this is coming from the daughter, and you need to be sure it is on the up and up. I am not saying she is lying, but kids have such a different point of view than the parents, and if us parents don't communicate with each other, than all goes down the drain. It does sound like it is time for her to have her own room, but try to be sensitive to her mother's reasons and not judge her. Even if you don't agree with them. Sometimes we all jump to conclusions with out knowing everything. You don't have to like what she does, and you don't have to agree with her decisions, but you should try to work this out for the little one's sake. Good for you for wanting to work it out! I am just rambling my thoughts, but I have been dealing with this so called "stuff" for almost 10 years, and the only way it gets easier is to put aside our own thoughts and just be as civil as you can. Even if she is not, or won't be. Be prepared with the idea that she may get insulted, angry, or whatever. You can't control that. But as long as you know right up front that may be the reaction, you and your hubby can be calm and just go from there. And remember those will be her feelings, and she has the right to feel any way she wants. You have the power to choose how you will respond. Don't feed on her anger. Empower yourself first, and go from there! Trust me, it will work. And stick to what is at hand. Don't go off on other things that make all of you upset. If she tries, just calmy repeat what you are concerned about a second time. If she loves her little girl, she will listen. Hopefully. Good luck to you!!!!!!!!!!
LisaT

I hope I don't sound rude, but since its not your kid, its not your place to say anything. Not that her not being yours means you don't care... Your husband will need to handle this one though, and maybe your husband can be there when your daughter talks about it with her mom for support. It does seem inappropriate (and gross! having someone who wets the bed sleep with you? Hasn't mom ever head of pull-ups?). I hope it goes well.

I would have her dad say something. I had to make changes for my son and step son once and put my foot down. It wasn't fun at first but the plan worked and the kids got their room back the way it was- eventually.
Maybe he can figure out a way to help the mom make it work for their daughter somehow with some suggestions in a friendly way... It is up to us adults to make it better for the kids in the divorce world.

This is an issue for your husband to deal with. The woman will hit the roof if she hears from you on this.

Also, there's nothing wrong with kids sharing bedrooms (Wow, have we come so far in America that kids don't share bedrooms anymore?!) My kids share bedrooms because (a) they'll develop more closeness and (b) it's fun and (c) it's one of the many strategies we implement to keep them from being spoiled adults who come home to live with mommy and daddy.

The mom already knows that the boy climbs up and wets the bed. If she knew how to solve the problem, she would have already solved it. Perhaps she and your husband can be kind to each other and brainstorm. If not, have him practice being super-nice to her for about a year, and he will be better able to deal with her. I have had divorced friends who have achieved this through the superhuman effort of just one of them.

As far as addressing what's going on to her mom, best that be done by your husband...however! You can help your stepdaughter know that it's okay to be honest with her mother (even when fearful) about what's going on with her. My 2 oldest children have been afraid to approach teachers in the past for the same reason (don't want them to get mad). I've let them know that people get angry...that's just life. I've let them know they are more valuable than even their own fear or someone else's possible anger...they are worth asking for help or being honest with their feelings. Sometimes the best they can do is write a note and that's fine. What you can do in your role in her life is help guide her growth into a confident child.

I definitely would suggest you stay out of the situation. She is not going to appreciate the advice and will continue to do what she feels is best. I have been in a similar situation, and you will just create more of a problem. I think that you should just encourage your step daughter to talk to her mom about it. Either that, or if it is really affecting her school performance, maybe the teacher can broach the subject of sleep. Believe me if you bring it up, you will not get a good response!

i think you should encourage your stepdaughter to be open with her mom and not afraid to tell her her problems. there could be many solutions to this problem, but unless her mom knows about it, she can't do anything to help.

Hi,Having step-kids, from two ex's, the best way is let the father handle it, you stay out of it. After an epsode with hair with my first sd I learned a valuable lesson. My second sd was 13 when we got married and I made sure ex talked to her mom. I can't stand her mom and I hope she knows it and remembers it too.
That's why you let dad handle it and if he won't you still have to stay out of it unless you know the teacher at school mention it or at least talk to the girl herself maybe she can do the trick and not get on the bad side of mom.
GOOD LUCK!!

Either have your husband or stepdaughter talk to her. If you guys have a strained relationship, she's not going to listen to anything you say, and would probably go out of her way to NOT do anything if you talk to her. It would best coming from your stepdaughter, but if someone does get involved if that doesn't work, it should be your husband becoming involved to support her request, and only after it's been denied.

I think you need to let Dad handle this one. Since you are not on good terms with Mom, you are probably seen as a threat in her eyes. If your husband can't handle it, he can always call Child Protective Services if he believes his daughter is not being cared for properly while in her Mom's home. This is why it is not good to marry a divorced man with kids. You really have no control over what happens in the other parent's home.

Hi M.

My advice is to stay out of this situation -- believe me, if you want even bigger problems, just go to the mom and see what happens! It will not help anyone. If you really are concerned, maybe your husband should say something. Since he is the dad it is much more appropriate for him to speak to his ex. I know a thing or two about moms/stepmoms and their conflicts. You're much better off staying out of it, and so are the kids. Good luck

say nothing. Pick your battles and this doesn't seem worth it. I always had to share a bedroom with siblings and we are still close. I am sure our fighting drove my parents nuts but we are all functioning adults that learned a lot about getting along with people.

Your husband needs to handle the issue, not you. Bring it up to him and tell him he needs to talk to her. It is his ex wife. It will sound snarky coming from you, no matter how polite you are.

Hi M.,
As an experienced step mom myself( step son is 20, been married to his dad since he was 8) my absolute best advice for you is stay out of it. I know how hard this is, it sounds like you love your step daughter and care for her well being. But establishing this now will just make it easier for everybody, you just have abslutly no say or control over what happens in that house and trying to get involved will just cause more tension between you, your husband and her. Just love your step daughter and always take the high road when it comes to mom, trust me on this one. I adore my step son and we have a close relationship and ultimately he will follow mine and my husbands example of how to be an adult. It pays in the long run. Good luck to you!

M.
It is so hard sometimes to be a step parent. Good for you for advocating for your step daughter. First of all I believe there are laws in the state of Colorado for children of different sexes sharing bedrooms. I know if you are attempting to rent an apartment in colorado you will not be allowed to rent a two bedroom if you have children of opposite sexes. My sister and I were not allowed to share a bedroom in an apt complex when we moved to Colorado because we were 10 yrs apart(granted this was years ago) and I have had friends run into the same problem recently. That may be an option for you if you site a law it is not you being the wicked woman who married the ex. haha Also, I think you should just approach mom with your concerns and if she reacts negatively you might have to point out to her that she should be grateful that her daughter is being cared for by someone who cares about her when she is not with mom. I have had to deal with this with my ex and he finally has come around to the fact that my husband now is a great father to his son when he is with us. I know this is so hard and I wish the best of luck with this.

It's definitely something dad needs to discuss, but my question is why is the 4 year old not in pull-ups if he's wetting the bed -- obviously he's not ready to go without (I know mine isn't). But yes, I'd ask your husband to approach his ex-wife to deal with the concerns.

Hi M.,
I would write a letter, brief and to the point, possibly have your husband write it if it would be better received. Point out that your step daughter doesn't want to rock the boat but it is affecting her.

If you don't want to do that perhaps talk to your step daughter and give her some ideas on how to approach her mom about this with out upsetting her, mom or daughter. I know with my stepsons what we found was they told dad one thing and mom the other just trying to keep everybody happy and in the end the kids were the unhappy ones. It is best if the kids learn to talk to their parents one on one with the truth and not worry about one parent being upset with the other. A discussion of this between the two ex's could be good.

Try and have a good relationship with the mom, it is a hard place for everyone but I guarantee the kids are the ones hurt by bad relations between the adults. Been there, done that and look back at how a letter of reconciliation could have helped immensely.

Good luck,
SarahMM

M.,

This is the perfect opportunity for you to start to repair that relationship. Share with mom what you understand is the situation as told by her daughter. LISTEN to the mother's point of view with a completely open mind and heart.
Say whatever your heart gets to say and then let it go.

Realize that this mother's home is just that, HER home.

With my whole heart,
C. TLC (Transition Life Coach).

From one step-mom to another: It doesn't get better--nor does it get solved (unless she wants to solve it). First, I understand that you would like (love) to tell her (the mom) how she should be taking care of the child, but you have to realize that no matter what, that child is hers. Second, you wouldn't want her telling you how to raise your child. I know that sounds harsh, but in my personal experience it is true--especially where your relationship is already strained. All you can do, is make sure that that child is taken care of (the way you want), when she is in your home. My answer my not be what you wanted to hear, but this has been true for me. I have two children (ages 10 yrs & 7 yrs), with my husband. I also have a now 21 yr old step-son (husband's child), who was 8 yrs old when his dad & I first got together. His mother was not/is not "Mother of the Year" by any means, but believe me, there was always something with her "Parenting Skills." (If you want to call them that). There is no easy answer, other than for you to continue doing your best part in raising this child the way you want when she's in your home (as I stated before). I wish you luck with this.

YOU should say nothing... but your husband should!
You don't want to get in the middle and make things worse. Also if your stepdaughter really doesn't want her mom to know she told you and she finds out you did, then she may not come to you in the future.
So I would leave this up to your husband. He should just ask his X about the situation and see if her mom might come up with something all on her own.
Perhaps she didn't even realize it was bothering her daughter... if you guys make it seem like a change is her idea, then you won't be the evil ones :)
Good luck

If the brother is still wetting the bed, the mom should most definitely put on at night time, the big boy pull ups. I have many friends who the boys are unable to control in their sleep, so they wear the big pull-ups at night only. Don't know if the mom works and is unable to train the child. If you are court ordered for the daughter to go to moms, then you need to start seeking legal advice. It can in the long run be detrimental for the daught and hostility can occur from this. Good Luck
Suzanne