Stepchild and Attitude Change

it hard be a stepmom to kids I'm stepmom of 20 yr old it is hard , I can tell you if you talk to her she would love that do you get along with her, you can do things together that the fun thing , done she get along with her mom is she bad went she get back for there,I will tell you something go for home to home can't not be go with them but that life my ex-is not in my kids life he walk out and never came back he go married that was it he blame my son for broken my older daught leg was kids be kids I hope this help you out
I am working mom of 4 kids i love all my kids very much

Five year olds often get it into their heads that if they're friends with that person, that means they can't be friends with this person.

If the ex is indicating that loving you is not 'okay' with her, she'll exacerbate that sense, maybe not intentionally, but happily.

You could talk about all the people you love... and all the people who love her... and all the people you can love at once... and all your friends who you love... and how some of those people don't get along or love each other, but that you can still love them all...

Little kids (and many adults) don't really 'get' that concept, so it may need to be repeated. Over and over and over and over...

N.,

Can you get her into a support group for children dealing with divorce and new step parents? Continue to be supportive of her. It may take years, but she will realize WHO has been a real parent for her. If her mother is saying bad things, inappropriate things, then she will figure out that you are supportive of her and love her...

Good luck...Blessings,
N.

I too had this same problem with my children. When they went for a visit with dad and his new wife they came back angry, misunderstood and scared. I tried to talk with the step-mom who had 5 children of her own and it was like beating my head against a brick wall. Of course the step-mom had soo many issues of her own. As hard as it was I did try and never say anything negative about her (believe me it was hard with this women). This would happen every time they went for a visit.. It would take me two three weeks to get the children back to normal as could be and then another visit! It was indeed a reoccuring cycle that hurt no one but the children. The only thing I could do was assure my children that I loved them and that some times people are angry with themselves for things in their life and they take it out on other people. Just keep assuring them that mom and dad loves them even though they can not live together and get along anymore, for whatever reason,it is nothing they have done to cause this. This women sounds to have some issues of her own! Children seem to blame themselves for break ups. (If I had been a better kid, did better in school, minded better ect. ect.) they would still be together. Children also feel that they can fix it, and mom and dad will get back together or get along. When indeed it is the adults who should be working on this. There is no easy answer to your problem. Just have patients, kindness and understanding and eventually hopefully this young girl will learn this behavior. As she grows she will hopefully experience that you give her your kindness and understanding and she will not end up angry like her mother. Most importatnt (Do Not take it personally) when she comes back and treats you this way. You sound like a good women and she will eventually understand this as she grows. Children seem to feel the goodness one person radiates but with divorces it seems they are afraid of the loss of one parent or both so they do what the one parent wants so not to lose them. I can only pray that this women realizes and CARES about the toxic way she is using her child for her own problems. Like I said there is no easy answer, other than be the kind, caring and understanding person and hopefully this child will grow and see this and copy your ways. Good luck and God Bless.

I have two children who are step-children to my husband of almost 2 years. They are 8 and 10, and still adjusting to their step-dad. They don't have any contact with their real-dad, but they still have attitude issues. My son (10) has been diagnosed with ADHD and clinical depression, which doesn't help his attitude at all. However, we do have him in counseling and I hope to get family counseling for the rest of us. My only advice is counseling may help and it may not. If the mother is causing trouble, the only option may be patience and lots of love (I'm not very patient myself, so I kind of understand how you feel). One time a mother told me that her second husband and daughter didn't get along, because of the real dad being in the picture. But when the daughter turned 18 she didn't want her real dad at the party, because he hadn't been there for her when she needed him. The mother commented that when the real dad showed up, the daughter wanted nothing to do with him. I know 18 seems like a long time to wait for attitude to change, and that's why I suggested counseling. Divorce and remarriages are h*** o* all kids and it may be that she feels like you don't love her as much as your other 2 (I hope you don't get upset with me for saying this, because I'm sure you love her as if she were your own daughter), and therefore ignores you when she comes home. I know that my kids idolize their real dad who they don't know and often tell my husband they hate him, when he corrects them. It's been a tough two years, and sometimes I wish their were easier answers. I wish you well with whatever happens and hope that your little step-daughter learns to love you as much as you love her. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

J. G.

I have to say hang in there. Just remember you own words and don't put her in the middle. Which it sounds like you are not the one doing that. Maybe schedule some one on one time with her every time she comes home from her mothers. Maybe do something fun that she likes to do. I did not see it this way but I was lucky to have a great step mom. We did not get along at first it took a few years but now I feel like I have two mothers. I love my step mom very much. She is great to me. We do things together all the time. She is a wonderful grandma to my new son. She still spoils my family (me the most until my son was born) Don't get me wrong I love my mother and she is wonderful too but I have a great relationship with my step mom. Just remember it takes time. Hopefully you can have a good outcome. GOOD LUCK!!!!

N., this sounds like "parental alienation". That is when in a divorce, one parent turns a child against another parent by constantly giving the child messages that the other parent is "bad". This includes step-parents.
It is so common, they call it "parental alienation syndrome" or PAS for short. There are some good books out there on PAS. DO a google search. The worst part is that the child is in a no win situation. Her mother is spewing inappropriate anger toward you through her own daughter. She is violating her daughter,s emotional boundaries. A child at this age, has almost no choice but to align with her parent when she is with her. When she comes home, she "decompresses" and out comes all the anger her mother pumped in. We went through this with my son. It is VERY difficult. Get some help and support and some information on PAS.

Love and understanding, you answered the question. Transitions for little ones are hard even under the best of circumstances, When she is angry that mom can't take her, let her know you understand that she is angry and that you are sorry that things didn't work out like she had hoped, but also remind her that it wasn't your fault, that her mom had an engagement that she couldn't break and that her reaction to you isn't OK, this will have to be reminded of often and I hope you aren't taking it personally. SHe is also most likely having conflicting emotions, she loves you and her mom and isn't sure what her role is. I have 2 "step" children but thier mom has nothing to do with them and rarely pays her child support, but no matter what I always remind them that she gave them life, I am mom unquestionably, but without her I wouldn't have them. No matter what the "mom" does just support your little girl, always remind how special she is and that thier is nothing she could ever do that would change your love for her. There really isn't a quick solution, just many years of love.

I have been divorced for 12 years and my son was 5 when I remarried, and at that point is when my son had a hard time with the transition also. When he would come home from his dad's, he would act mad at me, and there were times he would tell me things his dad would say about me that were bad, alot of them were lies to make me sound like the bad person in the situation. It went on for a few days, then he got over it, but it always came back again when he went to his dads again. I would give him some space in those days, but gave him lots of hugs and kisses and less words. My son is now 14 and it still happens occasionally, but over the past years, it has gotten less and less. And I had tried telling my ex and his wife, to stop talking bad about me and my new husband. I had tried my best not to bad mouth them, but when they lied about things, I told my son the truth, and he seemed confused as to why his dad would lie to him. I don't know if this ever gets better, but I told my son, he almost has two lives, my house and his dads are completely opposite, and we have different rules etc. I think he understands that, but gets confused as to whether he should choose sides or not. You just have to tell your step-daughter the good things about having two families, and that she gets double the love! And have a talk with the ex, and tell her that she needs to zip the lip about anything bad about you guys and you will do the same. It will pay off in the long run, and its all about the child and making sure she grows up well! Good luck.

I am also in your situation and have been for years. My first husband had children and my current husband had children before we married. All the children have gone through this. My children from my first marriage go through this with their step father. Granted the other parent shouldn't be involving the children in the issues but the best interests of the child aren't what every parent strives for unfortunately.

This is hard to say also because I am living it with my 13 year old step son but more from my 8 year old step daughter. This is your role. It doesn't matter how long you have been with the child but more on the child. All you can do is be you and be consistent. Be consistent in your rules, discipline and mostly your love. You need to be a duck and let the negative comments roll off your back, this is hard to do. Just keep the house the same consistent that it always is and she will turn a corner and start to realize that it doesn't matter what mom says because she knows what is true.

My children get left at home or dropped off early by their father because he got a better offer. They aren't dumb they can see through whatever excuse he gives them. They give us attitude for a while but we just love on them. We tell them that we are thankful for the extra time with them and validate their feelings.

We have also used counselling through the harder parts for our childen starting about 5-8 years of age. At whatever point they go to school and figure out that not all families are like theirs. This starts attitude and questions also.

My parents divorced over 20 years ago. My mom went on and rarely discusses my father - I appreciate that in her. My father is still hashing out everything for me and I'd rather not be around him to get to hear it. I also now think that my step parents are great and rely on them near as much as I do my mother.

I wish you all the best.

Wow N. my heart goes out to you! The toughest job out there is to be a stepparent. Here is something someone once told me and I found it to be true. For however old that child is (5 in this case) it will take that child that many years to accept you as a stepparent. The other really biggie is the support you recieve from in this case from your husband. Do you have his FULL support in everything you do with this child. Discipline is the biggie. If there is any descretion or difference in her and the other children it makes it harder. My husband told me at one point when we were first married not to make him choose between me or his children because it would be his children everytime. Boy did they know it! And treated me accordingly. When he changed that statement and I was above the children it made all the difference in the world! But he has to TRUST you completly with his child. Then you have to support each other and be consistent above all things! Every chance you get tell her that you love her! Always and no matter what! It will make a difference. She will see the difference in you and her mother and it will take time but it will change. She will see it. Good Luck.

The best thing you can do for your step daughter is to have a peaceful relationship with her dad AND her mom. You need to do all you can do make peace with your husband's ex. Ask her to meet with you and talk. It is going to be weird and really hard, but this will make your child's life so much happier. You won't have to deal with the bad talk and the gossiping about you. It IS possible to get along with your spouse's ex but everyone must want it to happen. Good Luck :)