Step Parent. - Bloomsburg,PA

I agree 110%. I have 2 step daughters and growing up there was home and Dad's house. Even though they had everything here that they could wish for it still wasn't "home". Even though I (the step Mom) did all the parenting things for school since both bio parents worked, I still was just the step Mom.

Maybe you should also mention that you did edit your previous question after the first answers did not agree with you. In your original post, you did not mention that your stepson WANTED to go home. Just that you didn't want your own kids to get sick and that your husband wasn't available to help enough...
Just saying...

You completely modified your previous question when you didn't get the sympathy you were seeking. People can only respond to what you write and you originally wrote that your husband wanted his son to visit and you did not because you didn't want him to get your other children sick. Your original post did not say the son did not want to be there only that you did not want him there.

I didn't see ANY of THAT point of view in your original post. All any of us can do is give our opinion/advice/impressions based on the facts that are given at the time we read it.

Hi Jaime, I went back and looked too.

My only thing is, why would the poor kid WANT to come when he doesn't feel good? I'd think he'd want to be home with his Mom!

My kids are older. Yes we have 'joint custody' but the kids can make up their own minds whether they feel like going to Dad's when the weekend rolls around. As a general rule they don't want to go. Works out to about one Saturday night a month. They like my exs GF (I do too) but they'd rather be home. Sick or not. But especially when they don't feel good they want to be home. Heck, I want MY mommy when I'm sick!

I have two step sons. Both from different Moms. I have one Son with my husband. My oldest ss was 9 when i met him, my husband has been in and out of his life (his Mom and my husband had a rocky relationship which lead to her not letting him see my husband during a majoity of his childhood). When we met, my husand had always had my younger ss, every weekend, holidays, and summers. My husband and his Mom got along well and communicated well. Night and day literally. When i came along, my older ss was already grown up. I mean at 9 he is already set in his ways. My little ss was 3 so he was still small.

We built a life together, included both boys in absoultely everything we do. My older ss was always with Mom, always prefered Mom, and just came to visit Dads, and come for the fun stuff. I can try with all my might, we can do everything in the world and he will always feel like our house isnt his house. He doesnt stay for more then 1 night at a time, then cries for Mom (he is now 13)

My little ss is the complete opposite. He always feels at home at our house, he says he has two homes. Two everything, he lives with us every weekend, every other holiday and every break from school & summers. So i get where he is more comfortable. We have done everything the same with the two except their Moms relationships are different with my husband and I. So i don't know what it is but i understand you.

My parents are together 33 years, but even at that I still hard time calling my MIL "mom" or FIL "dad" because to me they aren't Mom or Dad so its hard to force it. Neither of my ss's call me Mom because i'm just me. Not Aunt just me and i'm ok with that. As long as they treat my Son like of of them which they always do, i'm ok with that, my home is always open to them and i love them unconditionally as i'm sure you love your ss.

I can see your side and from reading the responses to your earlier question, I think a lot of moms did. There are just always some on here who can't seem to balance their responses at all and just love to blast people. I wish I was as perfect as those moms. But I try to remember that I asked and I did so because I'm struggling with an issue so there is the other side. In your case, maybe there can be some kind of compromise as it doesn't seem to be a clear cut case of you or your husband being wrong. And I don't think a step parent role is ever easy. I'm not one and I try not to comment on things I don't have experience with but maybe you're also just frustrated with that role and all that comes with it. Sometimes when I think that it's not whether my husband or I am right that's the issue vs we both have our points and it's just the situation that's hard, I feel a bit better and can approach it more analytically.

Well, I CAN see you point, however I think you're wrong here. If the issue was really about making the boy more comfortable than the question would have been about LETTING the child skip a visit. Instead, your interested disALLOWing him from visiting which is totally different.

What does the boy's mom say about this?

Seems to me that if she thought he needed to be home with her when he's sick, this argument wouldn't be between you and your husband.

If the boy is comfortable coming over when he's sick, it is your husbands responsibility to be available for that. If your family dynamic is such that your husband doesn't participate in childcare and the responsibility falls to you then address that, but it has nothing to do with your step-son.

Unless your step-son's mother has SOLE custody (in which case these really are just "visits") it doesn't matter how you or the boy view these weekends, this is your husbands time to PARENT his son... and sometimes he's going to be sick.

I assume you don't send your own children away when THEY get sick. How do you deal with your MS then? What ever precautions you take for your biological children's viruses will work just find for your step-child's.

Sorry,
T.

yea your right. home is where the heart is and daddies just cant do what mamas can do when they are sick. mamas are more nurtuing step moms are nurturing but nothing can beat the mama connection. dont let them get to you you understand how kids work and accept it. obviously life isnt that way.

I did not read your previous post or the responses, just responding to this one. I definately get what you are saying about the primary parent's house being home and him just visiting your home; however, it is him home too (even if he "just visits"). At 5, he probably does want his mom. I would think it depends on how sick he is. It makes sense to allow his dad the job of taking care of his sick child just as his mom has to.

I also get that you have health issues that make fighting whatever bug might be going around a bit harder.

If you are suggesting your stepson shouldn't "visit" when he is sick, I have to wonder what you do when your daughter is sick? Does she stay home with you/her mom? Don't you have trouble fighting her sicknesses too? Does she still visit her dad's? If so, why wouldn't you keep her home?

YES! You are right! I am 45 and a child of divorce since basically birth. My home was with my mother. I'd visit my father's home with his new wife and kids. I also had a step-father. He had children that would come to visit our house but their "home" was with their mother and her new husband and kids. I thought that was a universal thought with most divorced families. I think there are some exceptions to the rule but in my personal experiences and experiences with other families over the years... kids have one main home. I think it's important for kids to have that one main home. They can go to the other parent's home, feel comfortable there, have their own room, be as welcomed as the children that live there daily, but they still have one main home. This is pretty typical across the board and I'm surprised at so many who have told you different. Kids need stablility of one home. If some families can make other arrangements work that the child truly is happy with and thrives than more power to them, but it's not the norm.

YOU ARE RIGHT!

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

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My daughter's "home" is with me, where she is the majority of the time. She visits at "daddy's house". I feel that it is important for kids to have a stable, consistent home base, that they can call their own, not "mommy's house" or "daddy's house". I am guessing that some will disagree with me & say those children have 2 homes, but what I see is a child who does not have THEIR home. I think that is good for them to have something they can claim as their own. My daughter likes to point at our house and say "That's MY house!"

From the mom's point of view, when my daughter is sick, I don't want her to go to her dad's. Not because I don't think he will take care of her, but because she WANTS to be at HOME. And luckily, he has allowed her to stay home when she hasn't felt good. Not because he doesn't want to care for a sick kid, but because she wants to be at HOME.

Good luck with your situation!

Hi, J.:

I see your point of view. The question I have is, How are you dealing with your diagnosis of MS?
That has alot of influence on how your respond to those in your home.

Now for the children. Setting boundaries are the most difficult things to do for parents now adays.

Home is anywhere there is love for one another. I feel at home when someone is kind to me and values who I am. It might be their home but I am made to feel welcomed.

Our job in life is to love each other but we have boundaries so we feel like we are respected.
Just wanted to share.
Good luck.
D.

I love that you understand this. It's hard to be a step-parent, but it's hard to be a step-kid too! Good for you for loving him while honoring the reality that he has a primary care-giver other than you.

I did not read your other post but I keep my oldest home when he is sick with a fever, sore throat, vomitting, etc anything I would keep him home from school with. There is another child at his dad's and I don't see the point in spreading germs around.